The kids are going to see their Dad today.
Technically, this weekend is my custodial weekend with them.
But the lines of custody and visitation are blurred in our home lately.
And I'm ok with that.
For ten years we were controlled by a strict custodial schedule with Cinderella, which did little to foster a positive relationship between her and her mother. Instead it served as a constant reminder of the bitter court battles, arguments and disparaging remarks out of which the custody "agreement" was born... and mostly, a convenient excuse to perpetuate it all. For. Ten. Years.
There was NO give and take. Every second was accounted for, planned out months in advance with no allowance for last minute changes or negotiations.
No compromises.
No swapping of days or weekends.
Period.
But today, the kids asked to see their Dad. And, so ... they are going to see him.
His time vs. my time?
Who gives a rat's ass.
They're OUR kids.
So it's OUR time to do with as we choose. They want to see him, and it's not about me.
Period.
Showing posts with label custody and visitation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label custody and visitation. Show all posts
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Not Very Appealing
Cinderella's day in court has come.
And gone.
We are not allowed to ask what she told the judge. We can only hope it was the detailed truths she has been telling us (and her lawyer) for the past year.
Maleficent and her henchman/lawyer wanted to settle out of court. She did not want to engter a "guilty" plea and have it on record.
They offered some kind of compromise and adjustment to the visitation schedule to appease Prince Charming (as she always does).
He is done settling. Settling is what's brought him here in the first place.
He wants an admission of guilt and he wants it on record.
He insisted on a trial. The judge refused saying it was a waste of the court's time.
He is appealing this decision.
In the meantime, the Cinderella's visitation schedule with Maleficent remains unaltered.
I have been asked how I feel about it.
I honestly don't know. All I want is for Maleficent to behave herself once and for all and for Cinderella to be spared any further pain.
The upside, for now, is Maleficent has been behaving herself as she always does when she gets a slap on the wrist.
It never lasts though.
And gone.
We are not allowed to ask what she told the judge. We can only hope it was the detailed truths she has been telling us (and her lawyer) for the past year.
Maleficent and her henchman/lawyer wanted to settle out of court. She did not want to engter a "guilty" plea and have it on record.
They offered some kind of compromise and adjustment to the visitation schedule to appease Prince Charming (as she always does).
He is done settling. Settling is what's brought him here in the first place.
He wants an admission of guilt and he wants it on record.
He insisted on a trial. The judge refused saying it was a waste of the court's time.
He is appealing this decision.
In the meantime, the Cinderella's visitation schedule with Maleficent remains unaltered.
I have been asked how I feel about it.
I honestly don't know. All I want is for Maleficent to behave herself once and for all and for Cinderella to be spared any further pain.
The upside, for now, is Maleficent has been behaving herself as she always does when she gets a slap on the wrist.
It never lasts though.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
At Odds
I am at odds with my struggle to detach from Maleficent.
To remain ambivalent to her presence in our lives.
I am finding it difficult to go about our lives, happily ignorant to her existence.
Night time is when this struggle becomes the hardest.
Cinderella is old enough to remember to call her biomom. IF she WANTS to call her.
(Though she has admitted to sometimes she simply forgets to call.)
Prince Charming is trying to take over the job of being the proverbial string around her finger.
The job I once had assigned myself but which began to feel as if I was FORCING her to carry out the task.
But Prince Charming sometimes forgets to remind Cinderella, as much as Cinderella sometimes forgets to call.
Maleficent called twice last night to talk to my stepdaughter.
Her calls were left for voice mail.
Call #1 occurred while we were eating dinner and I have a very strict rule of NOT interrupting family time for ANY phone calls.
(Cinderella usually asks if it's her biomom calling, but she didn't this time.)
Call #2 came while Cinderella was in the shower.
Last night was supposed to be one of Maleficent's visitation days. The snow storm that blanketed our area canceled that.
Cinderella had thought to call her biomom during the day. She even had the phone in her hand at one point but never dialed the number, instead turning to go back to whatever it was that she was doing at the time.
For the rest of the day and night, she did not think to call her biomom.
All evening I wrestled with breaking my vow to take care of myself and REMINDING Cinderella to make the call.
Or of reminding Prince Charming to remind her.
I felt guilty all night. And then angry for allowing myself to feel so guilty.
I was getting sucked back in and I didn't like it.
For as much as I trying my best at self-preservation, I can't help but feel I am also doing us a great disservice.
Somehow.
To remain ambivalent to her presence in our lives.
I am finding it difficult to go about our lives, happily ignorant to her existence.
Night time is when this struggle becomes the hardest.
Cinderella is old enough to remember to call her biomom. IF she WANTS to call her.
(Though she has admitted to sometimes she simply forgets to call.)
Prince Charming is trying to take over the job of being the proverbial string around her finger.
The job I once had assigned myself but which began to feel as if I was FORCING her to carry out the task.
But Prince Charming sometimes forgets to remind Cinderella, as much as Cinderella sometimes forgets to call.
Maleficent called twice last night to talk to my stepdaughter.
Her calls were left for voice mail.
Call #1 occurred while we were eating dinner and I have a very strict rule of NOT interrupting family time for ANY phone calls.
(Cinderella usually asks if it's her biomom calling, but she didn't this time.)
Call #2 came while Cinderella was in the shower.
Last night was supposed to be one of Maleficent's visitation days. The snow storm that blanketed our area canceled that.
Cinderella had thought to call her biomom during the day. She even had the phone in her hand at one point but never dialed the number, instead turning to go back to whatever it was that she was doing at the time.
For the rest of the day and night, she did not think to call her biomom.
All evening I wrestled with breaking my vow to take care of myself and REMINDING Cinderella to make the call.
Or of reminding Prince Charming to remind her.
I felt guilty all night. And then angry for allowing myself to feel so guilty.
I was getting sucked back in and I didn't like it.
For as much as I trying my best at self-preservation, I can't help but feel I am also doing us a great disservice.
Somehow.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
First Steps Towards Stepping BACK
Last week's dread was yet another waste of my energy.
Visitation pick up time came and went. Maleficent did not come to the house. Did not call.
There was no confrontation.
Nothing.
Prince Charming had taken care of letting her know Cinderella would be at drama rehearsals so was to be picked up at school instead of home.
Of course I had to scold him a bit.
"It would have been nice if you told me that so I didn't spend half of the day worrying."
Of course I also realize that's not his problem.
It's mine.
And I did say that I needed to step back and NOT be involved so he was only abiding by my wishes.
He reassured me by saying Maleficent responded to say she already had the schedule and so she knew where and when to pick up Cinderella during her visitation days.
(Kudos to her for getting the info herself even if it did mean harassing Cindy's drama teacher in email. At least it wasn't ME.)
I spent the rest of the week trying NOT to think about custody, visitation or pending court dates (no, a date has NOT been set and no one has been notified).
I was able to enjoy time with the kids and my family ... for the MOST part.
Old habits die hard. I have spent the last ten years playing this game of chess where I try to anticipate Maleficent's next move and do everything I can to launch preemptive strikes.
It's difficult to change my mind set. But I am trying.
And am having small successes.
For example...
Cinderella's rehearsal schedule has been updated. She came home with a new schedule last Thursday but FORGOT to grab an extra copy for Maleficent.
AND... I did NOT rush to transcribe anything and email it to her, as I have been doing for the last year.
HOORAH! for me!!!!!
When Cinderella came home from her visitation she told me how Maleficent was "up her butt" all weekend about getting HER a new copy of the schedule and not to forget to call her Tuesday (yesterday) to let her know what her schedule was for Wednesday (today).
The poor kid was stressed and a little perturbed at her Mom for hounding her.
AND... I did NOT rush to transcribe anything or try to FIX anything!!!!
I let Cindy talk. I listened, empathized and then we MOVED ON to another subject.
Of course she forgot to grab her Mom a new schedule after yesterday's rehearsal and was stressing about it last night.
Mommy's going to be so mad.
I gave her the same advice I (and my thoughtful readers) have given myself:
"It's not your job to keep your Mother informed of that stuff. She is a grown-up and can take care of herself. She knows that she can call and get that information if she wants."
Yeah but she will never call you. Once she makes up her mind about someone she will NEVER change it no matter what you do or how nice you are.
"Then that's her choice. We can't worry about that. Mom will figure out where you are one way or another. Don't worry about it."
I do not know if Maleficent will come to our home today to pick up Cinderella.
And right now I do not care.
I am not worried.
I will not hide. I will not avoid the phone. I am a grown up and can handle a simple conversation which requires nothing more than a statement of facts:
"Hi. Cinderella is at rehearsals until 5:30. You can pick her up at the school. Thanks. Bye."
I will also BE AT rehearsals tonight (ONLY because my help is needed). So if Maleficent does NOT show up, Cinderella will not be stranded and she will have ME to bring her home.
Maybe between the two of us, we can create enough a support system to keep Maleficent's poison from seeping into our home.
Visitation pick up time came and went. Maleficent did not come to the house. Did not call.
There was no confrontation.
Nothing.
Prince Charming had taken care of letting her know Cinderella would be at drama rehearsals so was to be picked up at school instead of home.
Of course I had to scold him a bit.
"It would have been nice if you told me that so I didn't spend half of the day worrying."
Of course I also realize that's not his problem.
It's mine.
And I did say that I needed to step back and NOT be involved so he was only abiding by my wishes.
He reassured me by saying Maleficent responded to say she already had the schedule and so she knew where and when to pick up Cinderella during her visitation days.
(Kudos to her for getting the info herself even if it did mean harassing Cindy's drama teacher in email. At least it wasn't ME.)
I spent the rest of the week trying NOT to think about custody, visitation or pending court dates (no, a date has NOT been set and no one has been notified).
I was able to enjoy time with the kids and my family ... for the MOST part.
Old habits die hard. I have spent the last ten years playing this game of chess where I try to anticipate Maleficent's next move and do everything I can to launch preemptive strikes.
It's difficult to change my mind set. But I am trying.
And am having small successes.
For example...
Cinderella's rehearsal schedule has been updated. She came home with a new schedule last Thursday but FORGOT to grab an extra copy for Maleficent.
AND... I did NOT rush to transcribe anything and email it to her, as I have been doing for the last year.
HOORAH! for me!!!!!
When Cinderella came home from her visitation she told me how Maleficent was "up her butt" all weekend about getting HER a new copy of the schedule and not to forget to call her Tuesday (yesterday) to let her know what her schedule was for Wednesday (today).
The poor kid was stressed and a little perturbed at her Mom for hounding her.
AND... I did NOT rush to transcribe anything or try to FIX anything!!!!
I let Cindy talk. I listened, empathized and then we MOVED ON to another subject.
Of course she forgot to grab her Mom a new schedule after yesterday's rehearsal and was stressing about it last night.
Mommy's going to be so mad.
I gave her the same advice I (and my thoughtful readers) have given myself:
"It's not your job to keep your Mother informed of that stuff. She is a grown-up and can take care of herself. She knows that she can call and get that information if she wants."
Yeah but she will never call you. Once she makes up her mind about someone she will NEVER change it no matter what you do or how nice you are.
"Then that's her choice. We can't worry about that. Mom will figure out where you are one way or another. Don't worry about it."
I do not know if Maleficent will come to our home today to pick up Cinderella.
And right now I do not care.
I am not worried.
I will not hide. I will not avoid the phone. I am a grown up and can handle a simple conversation which requires nothing more than a statement of facts:
"Hi. Cinderella is at rehearsals until 5:30. You can pick her up at the school. Thanks. Bye."
I will also BE AT rehearsals tonight (ONLY because my help is needed). So if Maleficent does NOT show up, Cinderella will not be stranded and she will have ME to bring her home.
Maybe between the two of us, we can create enough a support system to keep Maleficent's poison from seeping into our home.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Communication Roadblock
Cinderella comes home with a note last night from school.
She has a MANDATORY choral concert next Monday. It counts as a test grade for her class.
Mondays are Maleficent's visitation days, so the onus will be on her to take Cinderella.
With her recent claims of health issues and excuses of not being able to drive her daughter anywhere, we are concerned over Maleficent's ability to come through.
(Maleficent bailed out on bringing Cindy to drama rehearsals last week.)
Prince Charming tries calling Maleficent to give her the courtesy of as much of a heads up as possible.
Diablo answers the phone. He has taken to running interference, going so far as to call the house for Maleficent when she wants to talk to Cinderella and answering the phone whenever Cinderella calls there... just in case.
Diablo refuses to give the phone to Maleficent, instructs Prince Charming to communicate in email and tells him "I pay the phone bill here, so don't call again."
The rest of the call was a blur, but it ended badly. Threats were made, names were called, Diablo hung up.
Prince Charming regrettably allowed Diablo to pull him down to his level.
Diablo is trying to protect his lady love. I get that.
But he has no business putting himself in the middle of a pre-existing court order designed to facilitate ongoing communication between Cinderella's parents.
They have enough trouble on their own, they don't need a macho bully fanning the fires.
She has a MANDATORY choral concert next Monday. It counts as a test grade for her class.
Mondays are Maleficent's visitation days, so the onus will be on her to take Cinderella.
With her recent claims of health issues and excuses of not being able to drive her daughter anywhere, we are concerned over Maleficent's ability to come through.
(Maleficent bailed out on bringing Cindy to drama rehearsals last week.)
Prince Charming tries calling Maleficent to give her the courtesy of as much of a heads up as possible.
Diablo answers the phone. He has taken to running interference, going so far as to call the house for Maleficent when she wants to talk to Cinderella and answering the phone whenever Cinderella calls there... just in case.
Diablo refuses to give the phone to Maleficent, instructs Prince Charming to communicate in email and tells him "I pay the phone bill here, so don't call again."
The rest of the call was a blur, but it ended badly. Threats were made, names were called, Diablo hung up.
Prince Charming regrettably allowed Diablo to pull him down to his level.
Diablo is trying to protect his lady love. I get that.
But he has no business putting himself in the middle of a pre-existing court order designed to facilitate ongoing communication between Cinderella's parents.
They have enough trouble on their own, they don't need a macho bully fanning the fires.
Monday, December 1, 2008
In Which Maleficent Sinks To a New Low
It wasn't too long ago that I had extended a helping hand to Maleficent by driving Cinderella to her house. And that wasn't the first time I helped her out in that department either.
So why where we surprised when Maleficent did not take that into consideration when she recently was LATE dropping Cinderella off at the farm where we volunteer (an activity she does not let Cinderella participate in), leaving me WAITING in the car in the DARK and COLD with Hansel & Gretel and then REFUSED to bring Cindy home when I had to GO HOME TO COOK DINNER.
I called Prince Charming before I left, to let him know what was going on and that I needed to leave.
No problem, I will call Maleficent and ask her to take Cinderella home instead.
That did NOT happen.
Instead, Maleficent called him SCREAMING that HE would now have to come to HER HOUSE if he wanted Cinderella.
Then proceeded to hang up on him and turn OFF her phone.
The hostility and anger she felt from that night was offloaded on Cinderella for the entire time as the child sat waiting to see what would happen. Not knowing if she would be stuck spending the night at her Mom's or if her Dad would come to rescue her.
He did. And she was brought safely home.
It doesn't end there though.
(Does it ever?)
Maleficent's spitefulness reared it's ugly head a week later when Prince Charming asked if Cinderella could be allowed to come to Gretel's third birthday party. A party that was unavoidably taking place during Maleficent's weekend.
(In years past, we have always planned family celebrations for weekends when Cinderella was HOME, but this year we could not.)
(Not that it should matter, for during the sumer Maleficent was in the SAME situation with her parents' 50th Wedding Anniversary that was scheduled for a weekend Cinderella was home with us. Prince Charming was happy to allow Cinderella to go to that party, WITHOUT asking to make up for the time. It was a family celebration, afterall.)
Cinderella asked her Mom if she could come to her sister's party. Maleficent refused.
Prince Charming then asked and was told Maleficent had special plans for Cinderella that day which Cindy was quite excited about.
Oh yes, those must have been tears of JOY we saw on Cinderella's face.
In the end, Cinderella missed out on the only celebration we had for Gretel and seeing her family in exchange for going to a CRAFT STORE with her mother.
And here I thought she couldn't get any lower.
So why where we surprised when Maleficent did not take that into consideration when she recently was LATE dropping Cinderella off at the farm where we volunteer (an activity she does not let Cinderella participate in), leaving me WAITING in the car in the DARK and COLD with Hansel & Gretel and then REFUSED to bring Cindy home when I had to GO HOME TO COOK DINNER.
I called Prince Charming before I left, to let him know what was going on and that I needed to leave.
No problem, I will call Maleficent and ask her to take Cinderella home instead.
That did NOT happen.
Instead, Maleficent called him SCREAMING that HE would now have to come to HER HOUSE if he wanted Cinderella.
Then proceeded to hang up on him and turn OFF her phone.
The hostility and anger she felt from that night was offloaded on Cinderella for the entire time as the child sat waiting to see what would happen. Not knowing if she would be stuck spending the night at her Mom's or if her Dad would come to rescue her.
He did. And she was brought safely home.
It doesn't end there though.
(Does it ever?)
Maleficent's spitefulness reared it's ugly head a week later when Prince Charming asked if Cinderella could be allowed to come to Gretel's third birthday party. A party that was unavoidably taking place during Maleficent's weekend.
(In years past, we have always planned family celebrations for weekends when Cinderella was HOME, but this year we could not.)
(Not that it should matter, for during the sumer Maleficent was in the SAME situation with her parents' 50th Wedding Anniversary that was scheduled for a weekend Cinderella was home with us. Prince Charming was happy to allow Cinderella to go to that party, WITHOUT asking to make up for the time. It was a family celebration, afterall.)
Cinderella asked her Mom if she could come to her sister's party. Maleficent refused.
Prince Charming then asked and was told Maleficent had special plans for Cinderella that day which Cindy was quite excited about.
Oh yes, those must have been tears of JOY we saw on Cinderella's face.
In the end, Cinderella missed out on the only celebration we had for Gretel and seeing her family in exchange for going to a CRAFT STORE with her mother.
And here I thought she couldn't get any lower.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Custody & Visitation: Kids Are People Too
Why does Mommy get all of the holidays?
"Because that's what the court papers say, babe."
Three years ago, when Maleficent lost custody she had written into the visitation stipulation that she be able to spend every school holiday with Cinderella.
Every one. From 11am to 5pm.
Until this year, it never posed that much of a problem. There were a few times when my plans had to be altered to make sure I was home for her pick up/drop off, but that's the way it goes. I made the compromise to adhere to what seemed to be in Cinderella's best interests.
This year, however, things are different.
Cinderella is getting older and finding her voice. She wants to participate in the decisions surrounding her days off.
Like expressing a wish to volunteer at a local farm to come on school holidays to care for their chickens.
Twice a day. Morning and evening.
Cinderella was especially excited to be part of this. (We always fantasize of the day when we own our own home that will be big enough to have chickens and horses and sheep! Oh my!)
There was just one problem. Chickens need to be tucked in at DUSK.
Dusk comes earlier now thanks to Daylight Savings. Right at the time Cinderella comes home from visiting Maleficent.
Not wanting to exclude her from his activity, and not really thinking it would be a problem, Prince Charming contacted Maleficent. We posed a COMPROMISE of allowing Cinderella to CHOOSE to stay home SOME holidays so she didn't miss out on this.
Maleficent outright refused and accused Prince Charming of making these plans to purposely spite her out of time with their daughter.
Step in the Rational One.
Moi.
I contacted Maleficent to smooth things out a bit. Explain it was my doing and that I was unclear as to the actual wording of the court document and misunderstood that holidays were an absolute RIGHT and not an option open to compromise. (A concept that has historically proven lost on her.)
She changed her tune and seemed willing to work with me.
If you want ... can you and I keep in touch on this and then if you need me to bring Cinderella home early so she can go with you, I can do that. It's no problem.
GREAT! Right?
Wrong.
Monday morning, I realize tomorrow is Election Day. A school holiday. We need to be at the farm by 4:30. That's 30 minutes before the time Cinderella is supposed to be home.
I call Maleficent and leave her a voicemail, per our agreement. I asked her if she wanted to drop Cinderella off at home at 4pm (only an HOUR early) or just meet us at the farm at her regular drop off time of 5pm. I know from past experience that she responds better if she feels she has some control over the situation. So I gave her a CHOICE.
Still, I suspected that she would not like either.
And when I received the call from Prince Charming a few hours later I knew from his tone of voice that I was right.
If Maleficent was going to lose an hour with Cinderella because of this activity (which Cinderella WANTED TO DO) then Maleficent wanted to make up that time on another day.
In light of recent events, Cinderella does not want to spend extra time with her Mom. She is beginning to see her for who she really is. And she does not like it one bit.
Prince Charming could not consciously place his daughter into that situation.
Emails were sent. Accusations were flung at us.
Prince Charming and I spent ALL DAY Monday either in email with or talking about this woman.
Such a waste of a day and of our energy.
We put up a good fight on Cinderella's behalf. I apologized to Maleficent in an effort to smooth things over.
In the end, she chose NOT to bring Cinderella home and decided to communicate that THROUGH her daughter. Using her as the messenger to notify us that she had changed her mind from the earlier emails in which she agreed to the request for the early drop off.
We went to the farm without her.
And waited in the dark for her to be dropped off (and she was LATE, too).
Sooner or later Maleficent is going to have to realize that Cinderella is a person too.
That she is not a piece of property and has a RIGHT to CHOOSE what she does with her time. Cinderella sas a right to voice her opinion. And to be HEARD.
That's it not about what Maleficent wants.
Or about what Prince Charming or I want.
It's about Cinderella.
"Because that's what the court papers say, babe."
Three years ago, when Maleficent lost custody she had written into the visitation stipulation that she be able to spend every school holiday with Cinderella.
Every one. From 11am to 5pm.
Until this year, it never posed that much of a problem. There were a few times when my plans had to be altered to make sure I was home for her pick up/drop off, but that's the way it goes. I made the compromise to adhere to what seemed to be in Cinderella's best interests.
This year, however, things are different.
Cinderella is getting older and finding her voice. She wants to participate in the decisions surrounding her days off.
Like expressing a wish to volunteer at a local farm to come on school holidays to care for their chickens.
Twice a day. Morning and evening.
Cinderella was especially excited to be part of this. (We always fantasize of the day when we own our own home that will be big enough to have chickens and horses and sheep! Oh my!)
There was just one problem. Chickens need to be tucked in at DUSK.
Dusk comes earlier now thanks to Daylight Savings. Right at the time Cinderella comes home from visiting Maleficent.
Not wanting to exclude her from his activity, and not really thinking it would be a problem, Prince Charming contacted Maleficent. We posed a COMPROMISE of allowing Cinderella to CHOOSE to stay home SOME holidays so she didn't miss out on this.
Maleficent outright refused and accused Prince Charming of making these plans to purposely spite her out of time with their daughter.
Step in the Rational One.
Moi.
I contacted Maleficent to smooth things out a bit. Explain it was my doing and that I was unclear as to the actual wording of the court document and misunderstood that holidays were an absolute RIGHT and not an option open to compromise. (A concept that has historically proven lost on her.)
She changed her tune and seemed willing to work with me.
If you want ... can you and I keep in touch on this and then if you need me to bring Cinderella home early so she can go with you, I can do that. It's no problem.
GREAT! Right?
Wrong.
Monday morning, I realize tomorrow is Election Day. A school holiday. We need to be at the farm by 4:30. That's 30 minutes before the time Cinderella is supposed to be home.
I call Maleficent and leave her a voicemail, per our agreement. I asked her if she wanted to drop Cinderella off at home at 4pm (only an HOUR early) or just meet us at the farm at her regular drop off time of 5pm. I know from past experience that she responds better if she feels she has some control over the situation. So I gave her a CHOICE.
Still, I suspected that she would not like either.
And when I received the call from Prince Charming a few hours later I knew from his tone of voice that I was right.
If Maleficent was going to lose an hour with Cinderella because of this activity (which Cinderella WANTED TO DO) then Maleficent wanted to make up that time on another day.
In light of recent events, Cinderella does not want to spend extra time with her Mom. She is beginning to see her for who she really is. And she does not like it one bit.
Prince Charming could not consciously place his daughter into that situation.
Emails were sent. Accusations were flung at us.
Prince Charming and I spent ALL DAY Monday either in email with or talking about this woman.
Such a waste of a day and of our energy.
We put up a good fight on Cinderella's behalf. I apologized to Maleficent in an effort to smooth things over.
In the end, she chose NOT to bring Cinderella home and decided to communicate that THROUGH her daughter. Using her as the messenger to notify us that she had changed her mind from the earlier emails in which she agreed to the request for the early drop off.
We went to the farm without her.
And waited in the dark for her to be dropped off (and she was LATE, too).
Sooner or later Maleficent is going to have to realize that Cinderella is a person too.
That she is not a piece of property and has a RIGHT to CHOOSE what she does with her time. Cinderella sas a right to voice her opinion. And to be HEARD.
That's it not about what Maleficent wants.
Or about what Prince Charming or I want.
It's about Cinderella.
Friday, October 17, 2008
What Qualifies As Meaningful Conversation?
"Babe, did you call Mommy yet?"
Suddenly, her shoulders slump. Her face frowns.
She hangs her head down as shewalks shuffles over to the phone. Sulking.
The signs are everywhere.
Moments before, she asked if she could go to bed 30 minutes early and read until her bedtime.
She only does that when she is avoiding something.
Cinderella does NOT want to talk to her Mom tonight and now I was forcing her. And because she has not yet found her voice she could not refuse my suggestion.
Suddenly, her shoulders slump. Her face frowns.
She hangs her head down as she
The signs are everywhere.
Moments before, she asked if she could go to bed 30 minutes early and read until her bedtime.
She only does that when she is avoiding something.
Cinderella does NOT want to talk to her Mom tonight and now I was forcing her. And because she has not yet found her voice she could not refuse my suggestion.
Her conversation is short and characterized by one-word answers to her mother's interrogation about her play rehearsal schedule.
(This week marks the beginning of rehearsals. One of them has cut into Maleficent's visitation for that day. She was quite displeased by this and had bitched to Cinderella the night before over how she hoped all of her rehearsals don't fall on her days. She apparently can talk about nothing else at the moment.)
The custody agreement states that if Cinderella has not had a "meaningful telephone conversation" every night with the other parent, then it's up to Prince Charming or Maleficent to make sure that happens.
The custody agreement states that if Cinderella has not had a "meaningful telephone conversation" every night with the other parent, then it's up to Prince Charming or Maleficent to make sure that happens.
But... what qualifies as meaningful conversation?
I'm pretty sure it dos NOT mean instilling guilt in your child for pursuing an activity that they love.
For being so selfish as to look at it ONLY in terms of how it affects YOU and your time with said child and for making them think that it's THEIR fault that you are so miserable and unhappy.
I'm pretty sure it dos NOT mean instilling guilt in your child for pursuing an activity that they love.
For being so selfish as to look at it ONLY in terms of how it affects YOU and your time with said child and for making them think that it's THEIR fault that you are so miserable and unhappy.
I'll be damned if I'm going to forcibly place Cinderella in that kind of phone call.
She is twelve years old. If she wants to call her mother, she can choose to do so.
If not. Then Maleficent can suckit.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Old Skool Technology
Soccer practice.
Drama Rehearsals.
Volunteering at the local farm to care for their pasture-fed chickens.
PTA Meetings.
Belly dancing.
Birthday parties.
Chairing 1st Grade Activity Night at Hansel's school.
Cinderella's visitation schedule with Maleficent.
My calendar is quickly filling up! HALP!
I don't know how Blackberry and Palm users can keep track of your schedules on such a tiny hand held.
So yesterday, I gave technology the snub, went old skool and purchased a Day Runner!
I might be a former dot com goddess, but I'm still a pen and paper whore.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Custody & Visitation: Transportation "Responsibilities"
I waved as I drove past the house.
Their waves were as much an expression of their gratitude as much as their happiness.
Five minutes later my cell phone rang.
Hi WSM. I wanted to thank you again for driving Cinderella here. I know you are now rushing to make it to your appointment but I really, REALLY appreciate it.
"Oh, it's no problem really."
Well, I am grateful because I know you didn't *have* to do it.
Maleficent was right.
Legally transportation for her visitation days is not my responsibility. Court documents put the onus entirely on her shoulders.
And then there's the "all-of-the-responsibilities-none-of-the-rights" argument that plagues stepparents.
Gah!
Technically I didn't have to drive Cinderella anywhere. But emotionally. Morally, I *had* to.
Ten minutes earlier my 11 year old stepdaughter was in tears after just learning that her mother would not be able to pick her up for one of their twice weekly visits.
I was heading out anyway. So what was the big deal to leave 10 minutes earlier?
Are you sure? I don't want you to have to take the kids out in this [rainy] weather.
"It's no big deal. Hansel and I have a 5:30 chiropractor appointment so we were leaving in a few minutes."
But will that make you late for your appointment? I just feel so terrible, we hate to lose time with each other and I had no idea I would be stuck without a car but my time with her is so preshus already... but are you sure you don't mind? Will the doctor's office take if you you are late?
(Well if you stop ASKING me if I was sure and let me GET OFF THE PHONE DAMMIT I will be able to make my appointment. My moments of compassion and empathy for you are fleeting, woman. Don't make me lose sight of WHO I am doing this for by making it all about you.)
(GAH!)
I was late. But who cares. I called ahead to the chiropractor's office and there was no problem.
Maleficent thanked me profusely on the phone, in her maniacal waves as I drove away and then again when she called me on my cell as I was rushing to our appointment in between reaming Prince Charming a new one for not listening to his voice mail sooner.
But most importantly, Cinderella was happy.
I may not be responsible for the visitation transportation, but I am responsible for her happiness.
In the end, that's all that matters.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Stepmom Vs. BioMom: Yours Vs. Mine (Part II)
I understand the emotions Maleficent is trying to express to me, and from where they come.
I tell her that I can only imagine how difficult it must be to WANT to be there for Cinderella but to be limited physically by her current health problems.
"I know how involved you have always been. It must be killing you to not be able to help out this time."
She is crying. Her emotions are raw.
I don't like seeing anyone cry, least of all because of something that I've done whether the tears are justified in my eyes or not.
But still I am confused. What IS her point? Why is she calling me to tell me this!?? What is she hoping will happen?
I muster up every last bit of energy to ask in the most respectful tone I have,
"What is it that you are looking for from me? It sounds like you aretelling asking me not to volunteer or help out. Is that it?"
Oh, no no, no... not at all! I'm glad you are there to help Cinderella, especially since I can't be. I know you care for her and I am grateful that she has you in her life.
And then she says it:
I guess... maybe... what I am asking is that since you were here for this play that...maybe... for the next one, you let me help out I-N-S-T-E-A-D.
And that's where I needed to stop her. RIGHT THERE.
"Why can't we both help out?," I ask.
Now it's my turn to talk.
My turn to explain that no matter what my personal feelings are towards her, she is and always will be Cinderella's Mommy.
"I have never tried to take your place. I don't want to be her Mommy. You are her Mommy and that's how it should be. I did not offer to volunteer in an attempt to exclude you. My volunteering has NOTHING to do with you, but is about me being there for Cinderella and for her school and for her teacher. Cinderella wanted me to help. SHE asked ME."
I reminded her that for nearly ten years I took a back seat and did NOT volunteer for Cinderella's school events in deference to HER. But that after ten years I felt we could move past that silliness and should ALL be able to be there for Cinderella.
I explained that I had originally ONLY volunteered to design the program because it afforded me the chance to be involved while remaining on the sidelines (a role Stepmoms often take). I did not offer to assist backstage because that had typically been her turf and I did not want to step on any toes.
(Essentially, I gave her first dibs but after it became apparent that she wasn't involved with this production and that they NEEDED more parental involvement, I stepped up and offered my services.)
"Maleficent, no matter what has transpired between us in the past, I'd like to think that we can ALL be there for Cinderella. Our personal feelings for one another have no place in this. Nor do they concern Cinderella."
I tried to reassure her while RESPECTFULLY letting her know I would not be backing down or backing off.
If Cinderella wants me to be there at her school events, I'm going to be there.
Maleficent understood and agreed with me.
(I think an entire fleet of angels must have gotten their wings yesterday to pull that one off!)
She told me she felt better after having spoken with me. She explained that part of her problem was not knowing whether I respected her as Cinderella's mother and that after speaking with me she now knows that I do.
(I DO respect the fact that she is Cinderella's mother, but I do NOT respect her AS a Mother. That's an important difference but one I did not feel needed to be expressed at that moment!)
The entire tone of our phone call was respectful, polite and low key. She did not come at me on the attack. Nor did I lash out in return.
We spoke.
We listened.
A resolution was reached, a barrier broken through.
I tell her that I can only imagine how difficult it must be to WANT to be there for Cinderella but to be limited physically by her current health problems.
"I know how involved you have always been. It must be killing you to not be able to help out this time."
She is crying. Her emotions are raw.
I don't like seeing anyone cry, least of all because of something that I've done whether the tears are justified in my eyes or not.
But still I am confused. What IS her point? Why is she calling me to tell me this!?? What is she hoping will happen?
I muster up every last bit of energy to ask in the most respectful tone I have,
"What is it that you are looking for from me? It sounds like you are
Oh, no no, no... not at all! I'm glad you are there to help Cinderella, especially since I can't be. I know you care for her and I am grateful that she has you in her life.
And then she says it:
I guess... maybe... what I am asking is that since you were here for this play that...maybe... for the next one, you let me help out I-N-S-T-E-A-D.
And that's where I needed to stop her. RIGHT THERE.
"Why can't we both help out?," I ask.
Now it's my turn to talk.
My turn to explain that no matter what my personal feelings are towards her, she is and always will be Cinderella's Mommy.
"I have never tried to take your place. I don't want to be her Mommy. You are her Mommy and that's how it should be. I did not offer to volunteer in an attempt to exclude you. My volunteering has NOTHING to do with you, but is about me being there for Cinderella and for her school and for her teacher. Cinderella wanted me to help. SHE asked ME."
I reminded her that for nearly ten years I took a back seat and did NOT volunteer for Cinderella's school events in deference to HER. But that after ten years I felt we could move past that silliness and should ALL be able to be there for Cinderella.
I explained that I had originally ONLY volunteered to design the program because it afforded me the chance to be involved while remaining on the sidelines (a role Stepmoms often take). I did not offer to assist backstage because that had typically been her turf and I did not want to step on any toes.
(Essentially, I gave her first dibs but after it became apparent that she wasn't involved with this production and that they NEEDED more parental involvement, I stepped up and offered my services.)
"Maleficent, no matter what has transpired between us in the past, I'd like to think that we can ALL be there for Cinderella. Our personal feelings for one another have no place in this. Nor do they concern Cinderella."
I tried to reassure her while RESPECTFULLY letting her know I would not be backing down or backing off.
If Cinderella wants me to be there at her school events, I'm going to be there.
Maleficent understood and agreed with me.
(I think an entire fleet of angels must have gotten their wings yesterday to pull that one off!)
She told me she felt better after having spoken with me. She explained that part of her problem was not knowing whether I respected her as Cinderella's mother and that after speaking with me she now knows that I do.
(I DO respect the fact that she is Cinderella's mother, but I do NOT respect her AS a Mother. That's an important difference but one I did not feel needed to be expressed at that moment!)
The entire tone of our phone call was respectful, polite and low key. She did not come at me on the attack. Nor did I lash out in return.
We spoke.
We listened.
A resolution was reached, a barrier broken through.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Stepmom Vs. Biomom: Yours Vs. Mine
The phone rings.
Private Number.
I normally don't answer blocked calls but it's the week leading into Cinderella's school play and I've found myself volunteering more and more to help out in the last-minute crunch so I answer thinking it might be about the clothes I am supposed to drop off for costumes tonight.
Hi, it's Maleficent. Do you have a minute?
"Sure," I say. I think she is calling to go over Cinderella's transportation to and from the three performances that are taking place between Friday and Saturday nights. This is Maleficent's visitation weekend so the responsibility would fall upon her, but I offered to drive Cinderella to her Mom's after Saturday night's performance since I will most likely be assisting backstage.
She's not calling about transportation.
She wants to talk to me as one Mommy to another.
She's wanted to talk to me for a while now and says that she hopes I don't misunderstand what she is about to say.
She wanted to talk to me directly and not go through Prince Charming. She did not want her intentions or the message to get misconstrued.
She wants me to know that my volunteering in Cinderella's drama club hurts her.
Stings, as she put it.
As one Mommy to another I am sure you can understand how you would feel if someone did that with your kids.
She explains how she had wanted to volunteer because she's ALWAYS been involved in Cinderella's extra-curricular activities from Day One (to the point of excluding her Father and I from any involvement, but that's not really the point. Is it?) But her current health issues have prevented her from being as involved this time around.
She wanted me to know that she did contact Cinderella's Drama teacher but never heard back.
I should have followed up but I didn't. And that's my fault. Still she wanted to let me know that my volunteering and being their for HER daughter hurts HER.
Soon enough you will have Gretel's events to be a part of.
And Hansel's.
But Cinderella is all I have. And to miss out on even one day kills me since I don't get to see her that much as it is.
I am sure you can understand what I mean.
***
So... what happens next?
How would YOU react to such a phone call? What would you say?
Tomorrow, I'll let you know what *I* said.
Private Number.
I normally don't answer blocked calls but it's the week leading into Cinderella's school play and I've found myself volunteering more and more to help out in the last-minute crunch so I answer thinking it might be about the clothes I am supposed to drop off for costumes tonight.
Hi, it's Maleficent. Do you have a minute?
"Sure," I say. I think she is calling to go over Cinderella's transportation to and from the three performances that are taking place between Friday and Saturday nights. This is Maleficent's visitation weekend so the responsibility would fall upon her, but I offered to drive Cinderella to her Mom's after Saturday night's performance since I will most likely be assisting backstage.
She's not calling about transportation.
She wants to talk to me as one Mommy to another.
She's wanted to talk to me for a while now and says that she hopes I don't misunderstand what she is about to say.
She wanted to talk to me directly and not go through Prince Charming. She did not want her intentions or the message to get misconstrued.
She wants me to know that my volunteering in Cinderella's drama club hurts her.
Stings, as she put it.
As one Mommy to another I am sure you can understand how you would feel if someone did that with your kids.
She explains how she had wanted to volunteer because she's ALWAYS been involved in Cinderella's extra-curricular activities from Day One (to the point of excluding her Father and I from any involvement, but that's not really the point. Is it?) But her current health issues have prevented her from being as involved this time around.
She wanted me to know that she did contact Cinderella's Drama teacher but never heard back.
I should have followed up but I didn't. And that's my fault. Still she wanted to let me know that my volunteering and being their for HER daughter hurts HER.
Soon enough you will have Gretel's events to be a part of.
And Hansel's.
But Cinderella is all I have. And to miss out on even one day kills me since I don't get to see her that much as it is.
I am sure you can understand what I mean.
***
So... what happens next?
How would YOU react to such a phone call? What would you say?
Tomorrow, I'll let you know what *I* said.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Custody & Visitation: Time ... and AGAIN.
It's 30 minutes until Cinderella is due home from her visitation with Maleficent.
Predictably, the phone rings. She is going to be late. AGAIN.
Now before you get all hoity-toity accusing me of being petty and how there are worse things that can happen so don't sweat the small stuff and pick your battles kind of schpeil...
I KNOW.
You're right. You're right.
I know you're right.
And yes, part of my anger comes out of my need for control. Order. Structure. Predictability.
But it's also not about that. Not about the 15 minutes here and 10 minutes there.
It's about the lack of respect and consideration.
It's about Maleficent's chronic disregard for anybody else's time other than her own.
The belief that SHE is more worthy and more deserving of time with Cinderella.
I am angry.
Angry at her passive aggressive way of sticking it to Prince Charming by denying him a few extra minutes with Cinderella because after all he "gets to live with her."
Angry that while Cinderella does live with us she does NOT see all that much of Prince Charming so his time with her is precious. And fleeting.
Angry that Cinderella's coming home late disrupts Hansel's bedtime. He misses his Big Sister when she is not at home.
Mommy, where is Cinderella? he asks FIRST THING every morning during her visitation weekends with Maleficent.
By her coming home late he misses seeing her or (as is most often the case) winds up going to sleep later b/c he waits up in his bed for her.
And I'm angry for Cinderella. That in her desire to spite Prince Charming Maleficent is also spiting her own daughter.
Denying Cinderella time with the Family she is away from and has admitted to missing when she visits her mom.
Interrupting her night time routine that prepares her for the next day. Shower, lunch are now rushed.
There is no time for down-time. She's got to go-go-go as soon as she walks in the door and before you know it it's bedtime.
***
I wrote this post months ago, after months of dealing with Maleficent's spiteful behavior. Many emails were sent. And ignored.
Phone calls were made. And not returned.
Finally, the legal guardian decided to get up off her ASS and SEND the long-promised letter reminding Maleficent of the terms of her visitation and that the continued latenesses are being considered as deliberate violations and that she WILL find herself back in court if they continue.
Since then, communication has been slightly better. Maleficent has been more timely when picking up and dropping off.
(She even wished me a Happy Birthday on the phone last week.)
Yes, I'm all-too-familiar with this dance having gone 'round the custody dance floor just a few times with this woman.
I'm trying not to anticipate having our toes stepped on AGAIN.
Predictably, the phone rings. She is going to be late. AGAIN.
Now before you get all hoity-toity accusing me of being petty and how there are worse things that can happen so don't sweat the small stuff and pick your battles kind of schpeil...
I KNOW.
You're right. You're right.
I know you're right.
And yes, part of my anger comes out of my need for control. Order. Structure. Predictability.
But it's also not about that. Not about the 15 minutes here and 10 minutes there.
It's about the lack of respect and consideration.
It's about Maleficent's chronic disregard for anybody else's time other than her own.
The belief that SHE is more worthy and more deserving of time with Cinderella.
I am angry.
Angry at her passive aggressive way of sticking it to Prince Charming by denying him a few extra minutes with Cinderella because after all he "gets to live with her."
Angry that while Cinderella does live with us she does NOT see all that much of Prince Charming so his time with her is precious. And fleeting.
Angry that Cinderella's coming home late disrupts Hansel's bedtime. He misses his Big Sister when she is not at home.
Mommy, where is Cinderella? he asks FIRST THING every morning during her visitation weekends with Maleficent.
By her coming home late he misses seeing her or (as is most often the case) winds up going to sleep later b/c he waits up in his bed for her.
And I'm angry for Cinderella. That in her desire to spite Prince Charming Maleficent is also spiting her own daughter.
Denying Cinderella time with the Family she is away from and has admitted to missing when she visits her mom.
Interrupting her night time routine that prepares her for the next day. Shower, lunch are now rushed.
There is no time for down-time. She's got to go-go-go as soon as she walks in the door and before you know it it's bedtime.
***
I wrote this post months ago, after months of dealing with Maleficent's spiteful behavior. Many emails were sent. And ignored.
Phone calls were made. And not returned.
Finally, the legal guardian decided to get up off her ASS and SEND the long-promised letter reminding Maleficent of the terms of her visitation and that the continued latenesses are being considered as deliberate violations and that she WILL find herself back in court if they continue.
Since then, communication has been slightly better. Maleficent has been more timely when picking up and dropping off.
(She even wished me a Happy Birthday on the phone last week.)
Yes, I'm all-too-familiar with this dance having gone 'round the custody dance floor just a few times with this woman.
I'm trying not to anticipate having our toes stepped on AGAIN.
Friday, January 4, 2008
Tripping Up Along The Holiday Shuffle
Scheduling holiday visits with family was sometimes a major PITA, even though I made it look easy in this post. Remembering where Cinderella would be proved challenging at times.
(Prince Charming and Maleficent used to alternate Christmas Eve/Christmas Day and other holidays every year.)
I tried to keep things straight by writing this stuff down on every calendar we owned but, inevitably, Cinderella would miss out on seeing someone (and vice versa) b/c their schedule just didn't match up with ours.
(And... sometimes b/c the custody/visitation schedule was thrown OFF-schedule b/c someone couldn't accommodate their visitation time and requested a switch in days. *ahem* )
When Prince Charming was granted full custody two years ago, the custody document was adjusted once again in an effort to make it easier for all involved.
Cinderella would now be with us EVERY Christmas Eve.
Maleficent would get her EVERY Christmas Day from 12 Noon until December 28th where Cinderella would be returned home and remain through New Years and until the end of her holiday break (upon which the regular visitations schedule would resume).
Easy right?
Now we KNOW to plan our family get-togethers every Christmas Eve so Cinderella never again has to miss out!, we happily proclaimed then.
And yet, somewhere amidst the baking and decorating and shopping and wrapping we tripped up.
We forgot to plan for Christmas Eve and went right along with scheduling parents, step-parents, extended family visits for Christmas Day.
DUH!
Once again, Cinderella missed out on seeing them.
Once again, they missed out on seeing her.
We suck. I know it. She knows it.
As much as I tried to downplay it, she knows they were here. Her face showed her disappointment.
Disappointment that was short-lived and all-but disappeared once she opened the presents they left for her... but still IT WAS THERE.
Try as we might, holidays may never be "perfect" when stepchildren are involved.
(My parents made it look easy but that could be b/c they didn't come from divorced parents so didn't have the added challenge of scheduling time with their own "steps.")
As Stepparents, we can only do our best to establish traditions and rituals that will hopefully create happy memories for our skids and that will not leave them feeling left-out or that they somehow missed out.
With each new year and with each experience comes a chance to do better.
Next year, Cinderella, we WILL do better.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Custody & Visitation: Act A Fool
For the moment, it was unexplainable.
A complete 360 degree change, much like the characteristic ebb of flow of behavior described by the DSMIII-R.
Suddenly, without warning Maleficent was being communicative.
Contrite.
(Apologizing for returning Cinderella late.)
Agreeable.
(Promising to bring her home on time.)
Generous.
(Offering to give up her visitation day so that Cinderella could spend time with Gretel on her birthday.)
(No we didn't ask & Cinderella didn't express any interest. So we planned a party on the weekend when Cinderella would be home.)
Prince Charming was stunned... and dare I say a showed a bit of hope.
Maybe our last email [in which court was threatened] finally got through to her.
He's been fooled by her before.
Fooled into thinking one day ... this day ... she will change and realize the error of her ways.
As is also characterized by her affliction, Maleficent is impulsive and too quickly reveals her motives for being so congenial.
She wants something.
(It's always about her wanting something. )
And that something is extra time with Cinderella.
Time that would result in her having her for three weekends in a row... right up until Christmas.
Time that would eliminate any chance for us to plan any family activity that would include all five of us.
Time that she claims is a "special family event" and one that Cinderella so desperately wants to attend.
(Cinderella hadn't once mentioned it.)
Maleficent is pushing. Playing the guilt card. Trying to make it seem as though it's about Cinderella. And not her.
Maleficent then has her father, Cinderella's grandfather, send a letter to our home asking Prince Charming for permission. "Hope you and your family have a wonderful Thanksgiving," is his closing.
She finally prompts Cinderella to ask and "play dumb" by pretending she doesn't know what weekend said event falls upon, and then lie about her mother putting her up to asking Prince Charming.
Cinderella misses out on so much already because of family schedules that don't coincide with her visitation with her Mom.
She should not continue to be put in the middle, acting as her mother's messenger and being forced to lie to her father.
Prince Charming has called Maleficent to discuss this request, as well as several other issues of concern (i.e., her declining health that she has referenced as reason for why C is returned late.)
She of course does not answer his calls.
She continues to refuse to acknowledge him, except in email.
Criticizing HIM for not responding TO HER.
As I re-read this I grow even more weary of the entire situation which explains my silence as of late.
I can't help but wonder, aren't you tired of hearing about our petty plight?
I know I'm tired of writing about it.
(And even more tired of LIVING it.)
I'm sure to any reader, the answer seems so simple - let Cinderella go if it means so much and simply suggest a switching of weekends.
But the reality is, it's not that simple.
It never is.
Because the reality is that if Prince Charming reaches for that dangling carrot of hope and gives in to Maleficent's request, he will once again be made a fool.
A complete 360 degree change, much like the characteristic ebb of flow of behavior described by the DSMIII-R.
Suddenly, without warning Maleficent was being communicative.
Contrite.
(Apologizing for returning Cinderella late.)
Agreeable.
(Promising to bring her home on time.)
Generous.
(Offering to give up her visitation day so that Cinderella could spend time with Gretel on her birthday.)
(No we didn't ask & Cinderella didn't express any interest. So we planned a party on the weekend when Cinderella would be home.)
Prince Charming was stunned... and dare I say a showed a bit of hope.
Maybe our last email [in which court was threatened] finally got through to her.
He's been fooled by her before.
Fooled into thinking one day ... this day ... she will change and realize the error of her ways.
As is also characterized by her affliction, Maleficent is impulsive and too quickly reveals her motives for being so congenial.
She wants something.
(It's always about her wanting something. )
And that something is extra time with Cinderella.
Time that would result in her having her for three weekends in a row... right up until Christmas.
Time that would eliminate any chance for us to plan any family activity that would include all five of us.
Time that she claims is a "special family event" and one that Cinderella so desperately wants to attend.
(Cinderella hadn't once mentioned it.)
Maleficent is pushing. Playing the guilt card. Trying to make it seem as though it's about Cinderella. And not her.
Maleficent then has her father, Cinderella's grandfather, send a letter to our home asking Prince Charming for permission. "Hope you and your family have a wonderful Thanksgiving," is his closing.
She finally prompts Cinderella to ask and "play dumb" by pretending she doesn't know what weekend said event falls upon, and then lie about her mother putting her up to asking Prince Charming.
Cinderella misses out on so much already because of family schedules that don't coincide with her visitation with her Mom.
She should not continue to be put in the middle, acting as her mother's messenger and being forced to lie to her father.
Prince Charming has called Maleficent to discuss this request, as well as several other issues of concern (i.e., her declining health that she has referenced as reason for why C is returned late.)
She of course does not answer his calls.
She continues to refuse to acknowledge him, except in email.
Criticizing HIM for not responding TO HER.
As I re-read this I grow even more weary of the entire situation which explains my silence as of late.
I can't help but wonder, aren't you tired of hearing about our petty plight?
I know I'm tired of writing about it.
(And even more tired of LIVING it.)
I'm sure to any reader, the answer seems so simple - let Cinderella go if it means so much and simply suggest a switching of weekends.
But the reality is, it's not that simple.
It never is.
Because the reality is that if Prince Charming reaches for that dangling carrot of hope and gives in to Maleficent's request, he will once again be made a fool.
Friday, November 2, 2007
October, In Reader's Digest Form
*blowing off the layer of dust that has accumulated on my blog*
*cough* *cough*
So, where did I leave off?
Oh, my ankle. It healed up well. Thanks for asking. After two days I was good as new.
Halloween was fantastic. Craftiness ran rampant.
(More pics on Flickr. Ya hafta be a contact to see the kids in costume otherwise you'll have to settle for anonymous random photos.)
I hosted a toddler costume party on Tuesday (8 toddlers and their Moms. I KNOW!), took Gretel to storytime/haunted house event at our local library on Wed and went trick-or-treating with the Pumpkin War neighbors. Cinderella ditched us in favor of going out with her friends. *sigh* We've lost her. ;)
The kids made out like bandits. BUT... I had to throw away ALL of the candy yesterday after eating a suspicious tasting Reese's Peanut Butter Cup! (Tasted like COUGH MEDICINE. WTF?!?!?!?)
And since we pool all the candy into one bucket, there was no way to know where it came from, if it was malicious or not. Raising kids today is scary. And that pisses me off. I had to promise Hansel that we would replace the candy with something safer. He was so sad. And *that* pissed me off more.
Hansel's had three headaches this month. Stayed home from school twice. We're contemplating taking him to a neurologist to rule out anything major and to confirm our suspicions that he's developing migraines.
Prince Charming and I celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary last weekend. Dinner and a movie. No kids. YAY!
Maleficent is up to her antics again (still) and is violating the terms of her visitation every chance she gets. Cinderella's law guardian, the appointed mediator for when such problems occur, has been MIA and very lax in her duties leaving PrinceCharming between a rock and a hard place. Court seems inevitable, but no progress has been made in that department. Where does that leave us? Helpless. Paralyzed. Forced to accept things on Maleficent's terms, waiting at the door for when she decides to come and get Cinderella (she is late every time) and never knowing when she will bring her home (again, late every time). I'm trying not to let it dominate my days, but it's so hard.
And remember when I posted about this? Yeah, well I'm beginning to think it may be more.
*cough* *cough*
So, where did I leave off?
Oh, my ankle. It healed up well. Thanks for asking. After two days I was good as new.
Halloween was fantastic. Craftiness ran rampant.
(More pics on Flickr. Ya hafta be a contact to see the kids in costume otherwise you'll have to settle for anonymous random photos.)
I hosted a toddler costume party on Tuesday (8 toddlers and their Moms. I KNOW!), took Gretel to storytime/haunted house event at our local library on Wed and went trick-or-treating with the Pumpkin War neighbors. Cinderella ditched us in favor of going out with her friends. *sigh* We've lost her. ;)
The kids made out like bandits. BUT... I had to throw away ALL of the candy yesterday after eating a suspicious tasting Reese's Peanut Butter Cup! (Tasted like COUGH MEDICINE. WTF?!?!?!?)
And since we pool all the candy into one bucket, there was no way to know where it came from, if it was malicious or not. Raising kids today is scary. And that pisses me off. I had to promise Hansel that we would replace the candy with something safer. He was so sad. And *that* pissed me off more.
Hansel's had three headaches this month. Stayed home from school twice. We're contemplating taking him to a neurologist to rule out anything major and to confirm our suspicions that he's developing migraines.
Prince Charming and I celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary last weekend. Dinner and a movie. No kids. YAY!
Maleficent is up to her antics again (still) and is violating the terms of her visitation every chance she gets. Cinderella's law guardian, the appointed mediator for when such problems occur, has been MIA and very lax in her duties leaving PrinceCharming between a rock and a hard place. Court seems inevitable, but no progress has been made in that department. Where does that leave us? Helpless. Paralyzed. Forced to accept things on Maleficent's terms, waiting at the door for when she decides to come and get Cinderella (she is late every time) and never knowing when she will bring her home (again, late every time). I'm trying not to let it dominate my days, but it's so hard.
And remember when I posted about this? Yeah, well I'm beginning to think it may be more.
Monday, July 23, 2007
The Early Bird Catches... A Lot.
I'm early.
She is already there (no big surprise there) speaking with the Camp Instructor.
The Instructor upon seeing me immediately leaves her company to greet me at the door.
Hi! Your kids aren't here. Their vans haven't returned yet.
I'm standing in the entryway holding the door open. Gretel is still in the car so I want to stay close.
Over his shoulder I see Her. I try to catch her eye so I can give her a friendly nod of hello but she refuses to make eye contact as the Instructor rambles on about how he took a short cut and of the lack of faith displayed by the other drivers who refused to take his lead and are now stuck in traffic. Harhar.
Maleficent paces the floor. Fidgets. Looks around everywhere but in my direction. The vending machine. The dry erase board. The wall. The floor.
I've seen this body language before. She is anxious. Nervous.
But about what?
About being caught trying to pick up Cinderella early?
Over the Instructor's choice of the phrase "your kids" when he addressed me?
Or is she still experiencing residual hard-feelings from this misunderstanding (which Cinderella said she cleared up).
More parents arrive. I hold the door open to let them in. I'm still trying to break from the Instructor's gab-hold so I can return to Gretel.
Something's caught the Instructor's eye. An unfamiliar face. He watches as this Stranger, who is nervously looking over his shoulder, is clearly feeling out-of-place, proceeds further into the dojang.
Can I help you, sir?
Oh, he's with me. Maleficent lays claim to this Stranger.
I've only seen Him from a distance. And only through her car windows whenever he has accompanied her to pick up Cinderella.
It's her Boxing Coach, turned something more. "Mommy's friend," as Cinderella calls him.
Her newhobby Man.
I shall call him ... Diablo.
Diablo joins Maleficent's side. He gently leads her to the farthest wall opposite the doorway where I am standing. Their backs are to me and the door. They are quietly speaking.
He appears to be comforting her. Their heads are hung close together. His hand strokes her back.
It's not until I return to my car, having broken free from the Instructor, and upon seeing Maleficent and Diablo making a hurried exit to her car, that it occurs to me Diablo was there because of Me.
Did he think Maleficent was in some sort of peril being left in the dojang alone with me?
Did I make her feel trapped by the fact that I was standing in the doorway?
MUWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA!
(Oh, puhlease. She's a grown woman. Say excuse me and walk out the door forfucksake!)
Does my presence cause that much anxiety?
What did He think was happening?
I am both offended and empowered.
Offended that He would think She needed rescuing.
Empowered to think that I actually have that kind of affect on her.
And at the same time... I am bothered that I have given this much thought to it.
She is already there (no big surprise there) speaking with the Camp Instructor.
The Instructor upon seeing me immediately leaves her company to greet me at the door.
Hi! Your kids aren't here. Their vans haven't returned yet.
I'm standing in the entryway holding the door open. Gretel is still in the car so I want to stay close.
Over his shoulder I see Her. I try to catch her eye so I can give her a friendly nod of hello but she refuses to make eye contact as the Instructor rambles on about how he took a short cut and of the lack of faith displayed by the other drivers who refused to take his lead and are now stuck in traffic. Harhar.
Maleficent paces the floor. Fidgets. Looks around everywhere but in my direction. The vending machine. The dry erase board. The wall. The floor.
I've seen this body language before. She is anxious. Nervous.
But about what?
About being caught trying to pick up Cinderella early?
Over the Instructor's choice of the phrase "your kids" when he addressed me?
Or is she still experiencing residual hard-feelings from this misunderstanding (which Cinderella said she cleared up).
More parents arrive. I hold the door open to let them in. I'm still trying to break from the Instructor's gab-hold so I can return to Gretel.
Something's caught the Instructor's eye. An unfamiliar face. He watches as this Stranger, who is nervously looking over his shoulder, is clearly feeling out-of-place, proceeds further into the dojang.
Can I help you, sir?
Oh, he's with me. Maleficent lays claim to this Stranger.
I've only seen Him from a distance. And only through her car windows whenever he has accompanied her to pick up Cinderella.
It's her Boxing Coach, turned something more. "Mommy's friend," as Cinderella calls him.
Her new
I shall call him ... Diablo.
Diablo joins Maleficent's side. He gently leads her to the farthest wall opposite the doorway where I am standing. Their backs are to me and the door. They are quietly speaking.
He appears to be comforting her. Their heads are hung close together. His hand strokes her back.
It's not until I return to my car, having broken free from the Instructor, and upon seeing Maleficent and Diablo making a hurried exit to her car, that it occurs to me Diablo was there because of Me.
Did he think Maleficent was in some sort of peril being left in the dojang alone with me?
Did I make her feel trapped by the fact that I was standing in the doorway?
MUWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA!
(Oh, puhlease. She's a grown woman. Say excuse me and walk out the door forfucksake!)
Does my presence cause that much anxiety?
What did He think was happening?
I am both offended and empowered.
Offended that He would think She needed rescuing.
Empowered to think that I actually have that kind of affect on her.
And at the same time... I am bothered that I have given this much thought to it.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Custody & Visitation: Into the Ether
He wrote:
Maleficent –
Our current method of “communicating” is just not working. Ignoring my phone calls and not responding to my emails or voice mails is not doing either of us, or Cinderella, any good.
We need to talk. Please, let’s not go back to the way things were. Not after we’ve worked so hard over the last year and half to move beyond the past. I will make myself available ... so we can resolve this issue.
- Prince Charming
She responded:
There really hasn't been anything to communicate about but the emails work great. Thanks.
Cinderella then came home from visiting with her Mom and said:
Mommy looked at my throat and said it looks really bad.
Mommy thinks I may have strep.
Mommy said I am immune to amoxicillin.
Mommy said I should tell the doctor that I am immune to amoxicillin.
Mommy said augmentin will keep me from having my tonsils taken out.
Mommy said I might have allergies.
Mommy said I should be tested for allergies.
For someone who has nothing to communicate about, Maleficent sure has a lot to say.
Maleficent –
Our current method of “communicating” is just not working. Ignoring my phone calls and not responding to my emails or voice mails is not doing either of us, or Cinderella, any good.
We need to talk. Please, let’s not go back to the way things were. Not after we’ve worked so hard over the last year and half to move beyond the past. I will make myself available ... so we can resolve this issue.
- Prince Charming
She responded:
There really hasn't been anything to communicate about but the emails work great. Thanks.
Cinderella then came home from visiting with her Mom and said:
Mommy looked at my throat and said it looks really bad.
Mommy thinks I may have strep.
Mommy said I am immune to amoxicillin.
Mommy said I should tell the doctor that I am immune to amoxicillin.
Mommy said augmentin will keep me from having my tonsils taken out.
Mommy said I might have allergies.
Mommy said I should be tested for allergies.
For someone who has nothing to communicate about, Maleficent sure has a lot to say.
Custody & Visitation: Communication Break Down
It's always the same...
Maleficent continues to maintain radio silence.
Citing that Prince Charming's telephone conversations with her are "disruptive in my home and to my health." Dictating that their communications are to now take place via email only.
She refuses to answer or return phone calls. They don't work for Her, she says.
Perhaps it's too much Reality for her fragile Psyche to handle. She can't escape to her distorted view of reality when engaged in an actual conversation with her Daughter's custodian.
She's hiding behind her Role of The Victim. Escaping reality through Active Avoidance. And in so doing stripping Prince Charming of any and all Authority.
She's not answering his emails either.
Maleficent will send an email when she has something to say. When she wants extra time with Cinderella. When she feels the need to remind Prince Charming of an impending deadline to choose summer vacation weeks so she can then pick her vacation time.
ONLY when She has something to say.
Otherwise, Prince Charming's missives get lost in the ether. Questions, unanswered. Concerns, dismissed. Pleas to work things out, ignored.
He's having one-sided conversations.
It's as if He only exists in her World when and IF She allows it.
I'm tempted to yell. To pick up the phone and scream some sense into her. It's frustrating. Stupid. Childish. And mostly a waste of effort and energy.
Maleficent continues to maintain radio silence.
Citing that Prince Charming's telephone conversations with her are "disruptive in my home and to my health." Dictating that their communications are to now take place via email only.
She refuses to answer or return phone calls. They don't work for Her, she says.
Perhaps it's too much Reality for her fragile Psyche to handle. She can't escape to her distorted view of reality when engaged in an actual conversation with her Daughter's custodian.
She's hiding behind her Role of The Victim. Escaping reality through Active Avoidance. And in so doing stripping Prince Charming of any and all Authority.
She's not answering his emails either.
Maleficent will send an email when she has something to say. When she wants extra time with Cinderella. When she feels the need to remind Prince Charming of an impending deadline to choose summer vacation weeks so she can then pick her vacation time.
ONLY when She has something to say.
Otherwise, Prince Charming's missives get lost in the ether. Questions, unanswered. Concerns, dismissed. Pleas to work things out, ignored.
He's having one-sided conversations.
It's as if He only exists in her World when and IF She allows it.
I'm tempted to yell. To pick up the phone and scream some sense into her. It's frustrating. Stupid. Childish. And mostly a waste of effort and energy.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Custody & Visitation: The Downward Spiral
Hindsight is 20/20.
I should have posted something about Mother's Day if for no other reason so that my first post for this week would have been about something positive instead of the tediously-frustrating-never-ending-bullshit-drama involving Maleficent and Prince Charming and the loathsome Custody. And. Visitation. Stipulation. A document that I have read more times than my own wedding vows. A document that I hate.
(The only thing that keeps me sane is knowing that Maleficent hates it more. Neener-neener!)
Prince Charming should have taken a different approach with Maleficent. Taking a consistent stand with the Rules put in place at the courthouse almost a year and a half ago. As Sandra so brilliantly commented:
"Just like a toddler clear limits have to be set. Once she sees over time and with tons of consistency that nothing is going to bend or budge in her favor...then the BS will stop. "
(You hit the nail right on the head with that. Talk about a lightbulb moment for both P.C. and myself!)
Instead, to his credit as much as our detriment, P.C. tried giving Maleficent the benefit of the doubt. Hoping against hope that she was as committed as he was to Keeping the Peace. And making things work. So he gave in to her every request for extra time.
He's realizing he was wrong.
Maleficent continues to disregard court orders.
Continues to ask forgiveness instead of permission.
To make up her own rules, and direspect Cinderella's rights.
P.C. attempted to lay down the law last month but caved.
He's now attempting it again.
His efforts are currently being met with passive-aggressive avoidance and spitefulness.
She's refusing to answer his calls. Dictating now that all communications are to take place in email only.
(I read that little nugget this morning. Before I even had my coffee.)
Maleficent was supposed to pick up Cinderella from her after-school program yesterday.
A day not cited in the original Visitation document but that P.C. has been allowing b/c he is nice like that. It's also a day she is losing come next week when P.C. enforces the schedule as it's been layed out in the Document From Hell.
Pick up usually takes place at our home. Scheduling conflicts prevented me from being home at the designated time and I am finished being accommodating.
Maleficent does not respond well to not getting her own way and was not happy with P.C. telling her when and where she could get Cinderella. Instead of making the most of an extra day with her Daughter, she called Cinderella AT SCHOOL yesterday to tell her she woudn't be coming to pick her up.
Maleficent did not notify Prince Charming or myself of her decision.
Cinderella was effectively abandoned at afterschool program without any means of getting home yesterday.
Luckily, I was there and she found me before I left to come home.
Today is a normal visitation day. Maleficent will be coming later this afternoon to pick up Cinderella at our home. I am trying to disengage from the rage of emotions I am currently feeling in order to ensure a pleasant interaction.
I am dreading what's to come.
And struggling with trying to find a way to preserve some civility with Maleficent.
I should have posted something about Mother's Day if for no other reason so that my first post for this week would have been about something positive instead of the tediously-frustrating-never-ending-bullshit-drama involving Maleficent and Prince Charming and the loathsome Custody. And. Visitation. Stipulation. A document that I have read more times than my own wedding vows. A document that I hate.
(The only thing that keeps me sane is knowing that Maleficent hates it more. Neener-neener!)
Prince Charming should have taken a different approach with Maleficent. Taking a consistent stand with the Rules put in place at the courthouse almost a year and a half ago. As Sandra so brilliantly commented:
"Just like a toddler clear limits have to be set. Once she sees over time and with tons of consistency that nothing is going to bend or budge in her favor...then the BS will stop. "
(You hit the nail right on the head with that. Talk about a lightbulb moment for both P.C. and myself!)
Instead, to his credit as much as our detriment, P.C. tried giving Maleficent the benefit of the doubt. Hoping against hope that she was as committed as he was to Keeping the Peace. And making things work. So he gave in to her every request for extra time.
He's realizing he was wrong.
Maleficent continues to disregard court orders.
Continues to ask forgiveness instead of permission.
To make up her own rules, and direspect Cinderella's rights.
P.C. attempted to lay down the law last month but caved.
He's now attempting it again.
His efforts are currently being met with passive-aggressive avoidance and spitefulness.
She's refusing to answer his calls. Dictating now that all communications are to take place in email only.
(I read that little nugget this morning. Before I even had my coffee.)
Maleficent was supposed to pick up Cinderella from her after-school program yesterday.
A day not cited in the original Visitation document but that P.C. has been allowing b/c he is nice like that. It's also a day she is losing come next week when P.C. enforces the schedule as it's been layed out in the Document From Hell.
Pick up usually takes place at our home. Scheduling conflicts prevented me from being home at the designated time and I am finished being accommodating.
Maleficent does not respond well to not getting her own way and was not happy with P.C. telling her when and where she could get Cinderella. Instead of making the most of an extra day with her Daughter, she called Cinderella AT SCHOOL yesterday to tell her she woudn't be coming to pick her up.
Maleficent did not notify Prince Charming or myself of her decision.
Cinderella was effectively abandoned at afterschool program without any means of getting home yesterday.
Luckily, I was there and she found me before I left to come home.
Today is a normal visitation day. Maleficent will be coming later this afternoon to pick up Cinderella at our home. I am trying to disengage from the rage of emotions I am currently feeling in order to ensure a pleasant interaction.
I am dreading what's to come.
And struggling with trying to find a way to preserve some civility with Maleficent.
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