Monday, July 28, 2008

12th Birthday: By Herself

For the first time in 9 years, I did not bake her birthday cake.

She wanted red velvet cupcakes. And she wanted to make them all by herself.

(And BOY did they ever taste like it.)

I'm so not old enough to have a teenager in the house.

Send help.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Make a Wish: 6th Birthday

I wish my baby boy would stop growing up.

He wanted a Jurassic Park birthday cake.

There is so much frosting piled on the two angel food cakes used to make the volcano. My teeth hurt just by looking at this photo.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Thank You for Smoking

There is nothing worse than a reformed smoker.
I admit it. I do.
I can't stand to be within 5 miles of the nastiness.
I can smell it on your clothes, on MY clothes after I've been in your house, on your breath, even your fingers if you get too close to me.
And yes I *do* judge you.
I stand upon my soap box and lecture for hours on end the evils of your way.
Your teeth are yellow. You have premature wrinkles. You do not look cool or attractive AT ALL.
Why would you want to do that to yourself? To your family?
(On the inside.)
(Except for my husband who is bad at hiding it and despite being caught and confronted years ago still refuses to officially admit his weakness to me. *Him* I will scream at OUT LOUD.)

I have recently found myself feeling the same judgment when I read some other stepmom blogs.
(No... not *your* blog silly. Someone else's blog.)
I see these Moms going through the same power struggles as I did, getting upset over the same trivial stuff and wonder WHY OH WHY! are they allowing themselves to sink down to that level?!
The whining. The justifications as to why they are BETTER than their stepkids' BioMom. The blaming of BioMom for ALL of their troubles.
I bring out my soap box again and yell at my computer screen OMG, GET OVER IT ALREADY!

And then I remember...

While I hope it is much less in frequency than it used to be, I do the same thing.
Fuck this blog was nothing but one giant BITCHFEST in the beginning.
It was is my place to vent. Safely. Without judgement.
And it's the reason I have been able to find my way and figure out how to cope with my situation with Maleficent.
I don't know if I have it figured out for good, but I've got it FOR NOW.
I eventually reached a point when I was tired of being angry all the time. Tired of laying the blame on a person whose actions I could not control.
This blog is how I was able to reach the conclusion that I cannot control Maleficent.
But I CAN control my reaction to her.
Where I became committed to making this work (l'est I become committed!)
Where I made the first steps to reach out to her.
To establish communication. Try to allow her to get to know me.
And where I stood up for myself while validating her role as Cinderella's mother.
I know I was able to do this through the support and understanding of other Stepmoms.
Those who have "been there, done that" and those who are struggling to find there way.
They You all knew that I needed to vent. That I did not need a judgmental lecture.
You listened and offered your gentle support and advice. You let me know I was not alone and that my feelings were normal and that I was doing a good job (even if I didn't think so).

So, thanks for the refreshing reminder of what it was like for me and of how far I've come.
You will get there too, one day.
You *will* get there TOO.
Be it by reaching out, detaching, or some other method that I have yet to discover.

Anyone have a light?

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

An Unexpected Haiku

Leaking incision,

Inspection past seven months,

Starts our vacation.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

A Step Away

Diablo is driving.
I remember the last time I spoke to Maleficent car-side I had ignored him. It wasn't intentional. I was so focused on having a pleasant conversation with Maleficent that I forgot he was even there.
Still I felt bad for my rudeness later on.
I decided that I wasn't going to do that again today.
I would be polite. Say hello or acknowledge him in some way.
He ... apparently had other plans.
Throughout my entire conversation with Maleficent he avoids eye contact.
He is looking down. Fidgeting.
"We have the DVD of Cinderella's play for you. We can give it to you later if you want."
Oh that's great. Thank you so much for copying it for me.
(Maleficent missed the play due to emergency surgery that day.)
I glance over at Diablo. He is sitting in the driver's seat looking down at his feet. At his lap. Out the window.
I try to include him in the conversation when I make the offer to drop Cinderella off at her place after summer camp.
"I have to pick up Hansel anyway and I know sometimes Diablo has your car. So it's really no trouble."
Yeah, his schedule is sometimes a bit crazy.
Maleficent glances over at Diablo but he neither makes eye contact nor offers her any acknowledgement.
He appears to be seething in anger.
He curls his lips and wipes the sides of mouth like some angry thug trying to control his temper but is teetering dangerously close to opening a can of whoop-ass on someone.
I fear that someone might be me.
Prince Charming has witnessed first-hand what *type* of guy Diablo is.
He's the kind of guy who tries to use physical intimidation when he feels threatened. Or if he suspects a loved one is being threatened.
He is the antithesis of Prince Charming using his "boxer" title to show-off and bully.
The chest-bumping finger-pointing-in-your-face kind of guy.
I have never liked that trait.
I like it even less knowing that my stepdaughter is in such close proximity to it and knowing that this guy is one step away from being her Stepfather.