Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Custody & Visitation: Time ... and AGAIN.

It's 30 minutes until Cinderella is due home from her visitation with Maleficent.
Predictably, the phone rings. She is going to be late. AGAIN.
Now before you get all hoity-toity accusing me of being petty and how there are worse things that can happen so don't sweat the small stuff and pick your battles kind of schpeil...
You're right. You're right.
I know you're right.

And yes, part of my anger comes out of my need for control. Order. Structure. Predictability.
But it's also not about that. Not about the 15 minutes here and 10 minutes there.
It's about the lack of respect and consideration.
It's about Maleficent's chronic disregard for anybody else's time other than her own.
The belief that SHE is more worthy and more deserving of time with Cinderella.
I am angry.
Angry at her passive aggressive way of sticking it to Prince Charming by denying him a few extra minutes with Cinderella because after all he "gets to live with her."
Angry that while Cinderella does live with us she does NOT see all that much of Prince Charming so his time with her is precious. And fleeting.
Angry that Cinderella's coming home late disrupts Hansel's bedtime. He misses his Big Sister when she is not at home.
Mommy, where is Cinderella? he asks FIRST THING every morning during her visitation weekends with Maleficent.
By her coming home late he misses seeing her or (as is most often the case) winds up going to sleep later b/c he waits up in his bed for her.
And I'm angry for Cinderella. That in her desire to spite Prince Charming Maleficent is also spiting her own daughter.
Denying Cinderella time with the Family she is away from and has admitted to missing when she visits her mom.
Interrupting her night time routine that prepares her for the next day. Shower, lunch are now rushed.
There is no time for down-time. She's got to go-go-go as soon as she walks in the door and before you know it it's bedtime.

I wrote this post months ago, after months of dealing with Maleficent's spiteful behavior. Many emails were sent. And ignored.
Phone calls were made. And not returned.
Finally, the legal guardian decided to get up off her ASS and SEND the long-promised letter reminding Maleficent of the terms of her visitation and that the continued latenesses are being considered as deliberate violations and that she WILL find herself back in court if they continue.
Since then, communication has been slightly better. Maleficent has been more timely when picking up and dropping off.
(She even wished me a Happy Birthday on the phone last week.)
Yes, I'm all-too-familiar with this dance having gone 'round the custody dance floor just a few times with this woman.
I'm trying not to anticipate having our toes stepped on AGAIN.


Anonymous said...

I don't find you petty. I understand.

Day said...

Sounds like a page right out of my journal. I know the dance well, but I guess all you can do is enjoy the "not so bad time" before the bad times come back around. Hopefully Cinderella is appreciative of all the patience you have.

yeb said...

my step family is in the beginning stages. i haven't met the biomom yet. i've only just been introduced (after a year of being "friends") as dad's girlfriend. so far, all of the stories i've heard of her mirror this one. "oh, i'll bring her by tomorrow." "when?" "sometime in the afternoon." somewhat in the who??? you're going to what? nevermind that she's the custodian. custodial? the thing with the majority of custody.

it's rude, inconsiderate, and demeaning. it's disrespectful, to the other parent, the child, and themselves. say you'll be there and effing BE there.

we'll see how it goes. it's not petty at all.

ps--my word verificaion is zolfax.... is that the new prescription get make biomoms on track? along with curing restless leg syndrome?

-d said...

Oh I get it! I totally get it!

I HATE when The Ex is late. Hate Hate Hate it! I use to call him 5 minutes after the expected arrival just because I knew he knew that I hate his being late. And I knew he'd never bother to call and let me know WHEN they might come home.

Its so freaking disrespectful. It is the assumption that my time is worthless and his time is all important.

I still HATE it. I've just learned to get over it a lot quicker. (okay maybe I just don't call any more... I'm still not really over it.)

Stephanie said...

I agree. I HATE late, too. It IS disrespectful, of everyone involved except the person being late. It's so frustrating.

mathcutie said...

Ahh, yes. I totally understand the lateness issue. The way we've arranged it [which is only possible because I don't have any little ones] is basically "if you want him then come and get him". So if he's at dad's house and due to be home then I go pick him up and vice-versa.

Anonymous said...

Omg, omg! I am dealing with the EXACT same issue. I am so grateful to have found this blog...Our Maleficent is just as spiteful and will do whatever, even if it will hurt the children, in ATTEMPT to try and make their father angry. But the good and patient will always prevail