The following post was drafted in 2014. A lot has happened since then.
Are you surprised?
Yeah, me neither.
Maybe I'll find the focus to catch you up on the last 5 years. In the meantime, this will have to suffice as I am exhausted from trying to recall email addresses and passwords associated with this blog.
***
I have no idea where the past year has gone.
They say time flies when you are having fun. But I wouldn't exactly call the last 12 months... FUN. It's been a challenging adventure for sure, and shows no signs of letting up.
Let's play catch up...
Cinderella is now 17 and a senior in high school. She was hospitalized a third time over the Christmas holiday, at her request... vis a vis a note which I found on my desk one Friday morning after she had already left for school:
I immediately texted her at school. She was ok. She was grateful and relieved to know that she had been heard and I had her back...as I always have. We would talk more when she came home after school.
I called the National Suicide Hotline.
I called her therapist.
I called Prince Charming.
All agreed she was not in any immediate danger. The note was her way of opening a dialogue. And talk, we did. I asked all the usual questions: How long have you felt this way? What triggered it? What have you been doing to cope? Did it come up in your weekly sessions with your therapist?
She felt she needed to go back into the hospital. Spending the weekend with Prince Charming was important so she could go shopping for gifts for her family. It was a week before Christmas. She knew she would spend it in the hospital so she wanted to make sure her gifts would be under our trees.
Her hospital stay was an absolute CLUSTERFUCK of mismanagement by an inexperienced social worker who was put in charge of her case. In the interest of brevity I'll spare you the details other than to say there were MANY phone calls between myself, Prince Charming, the social worker and Director of the hospital to thwart an early discharge the day AFTER Christmas. There may have been some yelling involved. And a letter. And numerous apologies from Administrative staff assuring us that while there were no do-overs for Cinderella, steps would be taken to ensure this doesn't happen again to another family.
Cinderella spent two weeks in the hospital, and another two weeks in a day program in an effort to solidify the skills she had learned and give her greater chances for a success re-entry back into normal life. In the months following, she has stumbled a bit. And recovered. And stumbled a bit more. But I am happy to report amidst the minor setbacks she has successfully ended a toxic relationship, attended an event for accepted students to one of her chosen colleges and registered for classes/inquired about housing/researched financial aid all on her own (well, ok that involved some gentle pushing on my part) and has maintained an 80+ average in ALL of her classes.
Yes, I am proud.
(And yes, I still sleep with all of the OTC drugs, razors and knives in my bedroom.)
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Friday, September 27, 2019
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Cutting to the Chase (Part III)
(Continued from Part II)
What is it about the mention of the police that sends you into a panic?
What did the police want? Were they going to arrest her? Lock Cinderella away for her own good?
SIL needed to know where Cinderella's therapy appointment was. The name of LCSW, her phone number, office location.
(How they did not know this is beyond me. She's only been LIVING WITH THEM since January!)
I ask to speak with the officer and provide him with all of the details need to track Cinderella down.
Then I call my friend, LCSW and then Prince Charming to fill them in.
What is she fucking stupid???
PrinceCharming's reaction is less about Cinderella's behavior and more about his own insecurities over how to parent from a distance while still recovering from Traumatic Brain Injury.
It doesn't not surprise me.
She's just looking for attention!
Yes. Yes she is. Of course she is.
I remind him of a night not that long ago when I received a suicidal text from him.
"Would you have liked it if I told you to knock it off and stop looking for attention?"
He got my point. In his silence I knew he was recalling my empathetic ear that night. How I talked him in from the proverbial ledge and helped him see things a little clearer.
Cinderella needed that same kind of empathy and guidance now.
We knew she was ok.
She was doing what teens do best...complaining in an over-the-top melodramatic fashion to a friend.
Only this time her complaints triggered a domino effect that she could not have anticipated.
Out of concern, her friend reported her "threat" to a school guidance counselor, who in turn notified the school Psychologist who then contacted the local police.
Once again, valid or not, this is the reality we were given, and it was met with the only response that made sense.
LCSW contacted the state troopers as soon as Cinderella arrived for her appointment to assure them she was safe and sound, in one piece, and very much ALIVE.
Prince Charming hopped a train that night to head back up to his parents' house so he and Cinderella could figure out next steps.
Two days later, Cinderella was admitted into a psychiatric hospital.
Safe within the walls of this sanctuary, she would undergo intensive group and private therapies for two weeks. She would finally get that psych evaluation LCSW asked for two months prior and was prescribed Zoloft to ease her anxiety.
Her visitors were restricted. Based on her initial intake interviews, the hospital staff determined that her mother was 70% to blame for Cinderella's emotional stress, and that it would be in her best interest to not have any contact with Maleficent while undergoing treatment. Her father, myself and her grandparents were the only people allowed to call or visit.
The night before she was admitted and for close to a week following, PrinceCharming tried contacting Maleficent to let her know what was happening with their daughter. True to form, Maleficent refused to answer or return Prince Charming's calls. Instead, opting to call Cinderella's school daily to see if she was in attendance.
Ultimately, at my urging, PrinceCharming left the details of Cinderella's hospitalization in a voicemail.
I mean, why would he want to force a phone conversation with her anyway?
That weekend, Prince Charming and I visited Cinderella.
Together we let her know she has a support system in us. That we loved her and were proud of her bravery.
By the time she was discharged, Cinderella was stronger. She had begun to learn valuable tools on how to stand up to her mother and those around her.
She learned that her feelings matter. That she has a voice and it deserves to be heard.
She learned radical acceptance - that she can't change the behaviors of those around her, but that she can change her reactions to them.
A lesson that I learned along my own personal journey as her WickedStepmom.
Unlike me, she was learning these lessons much sooner.
And somewhere along the lines, in finding her voice, she's expressed her wishes to live with me once again.
Though, not to Maleficent...who is planning to try and get custody of her (yet again).
What is it about the mention of the police that sends you into a panic?
What did the police want? Were they going to arrest her? Lock Cinderella away for her own good?
SIL needed to know where Cinderella's therapy appointment was. The name of LCSW, her phone number, office location.
(How they did not know this is beyond me. She's only been LIVING WITH THEM since January!)
I ask to speak with the officer and provide him with all of the details need to track Cinderella down.
Then I call my friend, LCSW and then Prince Charming to fill them in.
What is she fucking stupid???
PrinceCharming's reaction is less about Cinderella's behavior and more about his own insecurities over how to parent from a distance while still recovering from Traumatic Brain Injury.
It doesn't not surprise me.
She's just looking for attention!
Yes. Yes she is. Of course she is.
I remind him of a night not that long ago when I received a suicidal text from him.
"Would you have liked it if I told you to knock it off and stop looking for attention?"
He got my point. In his silence I knew he was recalling my empathetic ear that night. How I talked him in from the proverbial ledge and helped him see things a little clearer.
Cinderella needed that same kind of empathy and guidance now.
We knew she was ok.
She was doing what teens do best...complaining in an over-the-top melodramatic fashion to a friend.
Only this time her complaints triggered a domino effect that she could not have anticipated.
Out of concern, her friend reported her "threat" to a school guidance counselor, who in turn notified the school Psychologist who then contacted the local police.
Once again, valid or not, this is the reality we were given, and it was met with the only response that made sense.
LCSW contacted the state troopers as soon as Cinderella arrived for her appointment to assure them she was safe and sound, in one piece, and very much ALIVE.
Prince Charming hopped a train that night to head back up to his parents' house so he and Cinderella could figure out next steps.
Two days later, Cinderella was admitted into a psychiatric hospital.
Safe within the walls of this sanctuary, she would undergo intensive group and private therapies for two weeks. She would finally get that psych evaluation LCSW asked for two months prior and was prescribed Zoloft to ease her anxiety.
Her visitors were restricted. Based on her initial intake interviews, the hospital staff determined that her mother was 70% to blame for Cinderella's emotional stress, and that it would be in her best interest to not have any contact with Maleficent while undergoing treatment. Her father, myself and her grandparents were the only people allowed to call or visit.
The night before she was admitted and for close to a week following, PrinceCharming tried contacting Maleficent to let her know what was happening with their daughter. True to form, Maleficent refused to answer or return Prince Charming's calls. Instead, opting to call Cinderella's school daily to see if she was in attendance.
Ultimately, at my urging, PrinceCharming left the details of Cinderella's hospitalization in a voicemail.
I mean, why would he want to force a phone conversation with her anyway?
That weekend, Prince Charming and I visited Cinderella.
Together we let her know she has a support system in us. That we loved her and were proud of her bravery.
By the time she was discharged, Cinderella was stronger. She had begun to learn valuable tools on how to stand up to her mother and those around her.
She learned that her feelings matter. That she has a voice and it deserves to be heard.
She learned radical acceptance - that she can't change the behaviors of those around her, but that she can change her reactions to them.
A lesson that I learned along my own personal journey as her WickedStepmom.
Unlike me, she was learning these lessons much sooner.
And somewhere along the lines, in finding her voice, she's expressed her wishes to live with me once again.
Though, not to Maleficent...who is planning to try and get custody of her (yet again).
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Cutting to the Chase (Part II)
(Continued from Part I)
The revelation of Cinderella's cutting behaviors was shocking to say the least.
At first I didn't want to believe it.
"Are you sure? I've never seen any evidence of it...how can this be?"
I was a SAHM for fuck's sake! How did I not see this?????
PrinceCharming's reaction was similar.
She's just looking for attention.
Maybe.
Maybe not.
Nevertheless it was out in the open now. To whatever extent she was doing it, she was now talking about it openly and asking for help.
This was the reality we were presented with, so this is what we had to respond to.
LCSW was reluctant to take her on as a client because she didn't have many "cutters" in her practice, but made an exception in our case.
Cinderella promised to commit herself to the therapy process and not to hurt herself.
PrinceCharming promised to get to her in for a Psych eval so she could be put on some meds to lessen her anxiety.
For two months, I dutifully took Cinderella to every appointment. She liked LCSW. She opened up to her and spoke honestly about her worries, her feelings towards her Mom and her experiences while living there, her grandparents... how she feels like a burden.
Unwanted & Unloved.
Daddy didn't want me.
Mommy couldn't handle me.
Now Grandma and Grandpa make me feel like a burden.
I don't know if it was because I was now aware that she was cutting, or because now that she admitted it she wasn't trying so hard to hide it from us, but Cinderella's scars and scabs suddenly became blatently obvious.
Red, angry lines across her forearms. Deep scabs on her knees and her thighs began appearing in greater numbers.
It was like her inner pain began to take on a life of its own and was forcefully trying to claw and scratch itself OUT from within the deep recesses of her psyche.
Her unhappiness was bubbling up to the surface. Feelings that she had been stuffing for so many years were being acknowledged, exposed and dealt with.
It overwhelmed her.
Then... I got the phone call.
Wicked, it's SIL...is Cinderella with you?
"No. But she's on her way to her therapy appointment."
My mother was having surgery that day, so I was unable to drive Cinderella to her weekly therapy appointment that week. I asked a friend to take care of it for me.
SIL's voice is high-pitched and panicky.
Something was wrong.
Then, she tells me...
Well it's really important that I know where she is. Cinderella told a friend at school today that she wanted to kill herself. The state troopers are here looking for her.
It had been about an hour since my friend texted that he was on his way to pick Cinderella up.
An hour since I had any confirmation that this day would be like any other normal therapy day.
The revelation of Cinderella's cutting behaviors was shocking to say the least.
At first I didn't want to believe it.
"Are you sure? I've never seen any evidence of it...how can this be?"
I was a SAHM for fuck's sake! How did I not see this?????
PrinceCharming's reaction was similar.
She's just looking for attention.
Maybe.
Maybe not.
Nevertheless it was out in the open now. To whatever extent she was doing it, she was now talking about it openly and asking for help.
This was the reality we were presented with, so this is what we had to respond to.
LCSW was reluctant to take her on as a client because she didn't have many "cutters" in her practice, but made an exception in our case.
Cinderella promised to commit herself to the therapy process and not to hurt herself.
PrinceCharming promised to get to her in for a Psych eval so she could be put on some meds to lessen her anxiety.
For two months, I dutifully took Cinderella to every appointment. She liked LCSW. She opened up to her and spoke honestly about her worries, her feelings towards her Mom and her experiences while living there, her grandparents... how she feels like a burden.
Unwanted & Unloved.
Daddy didn't want me.
Mommy couldn't handle me.
Now Grandma and Grandpa make me feel like a burden.
I don't know if it was because I was now aware that she was cutting, or because now that she admitted it she wasn't trying so hard to hide it from us, but Cinderella's scars and scabs suddenly became blatently obvious.
Red, angry lines across her forearms. Deep scabs on her knees and her thighs began appearing in greater numbers.
It was like her inner pain began to take on a life of its own and was forcefully trying to claw and scratch itself OUT from within the deep recesses of her psyche.
Her unhappiness was bubbling up to the surface. Feelings that she had been stuffing for so many years were being acknowledged, exposed and dealt with.
It overwhelmed her.
Then... I got the phone call.
Wicked, it's SIL...is Cinderella with you?
"No. But she's on her way to her therapy appointment."
My mother was having surgery that day, so I was unable to drive Cinderella to her weekly therapy appointment that week. I asked a friend to take care of it for me.
SIL's voice is high-pitched and panicky.
Something was wrong.
Then, she tells me...
Well it's really important that I know where she is. Cinderella told a friend at school today that she wanted to kill herself. The state troopers are here looking for her.
It had been about an hour since my friend texted that he was on his way to pick Cinderella up.
An hour since I had any confirmation that this day would be like any other normal therapy day.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Cutting to the Chase
With Cinderella now living closer to home with my ex-inlaws (UN-laws, as the case may be), I'm better able to lend my support when needed.
And believe me, it's needed.
(After all these are the same people who raised Prince Charming and his siblings...and none of them escaped unscathed.)
My first priority was getting Cinderella back into therapy.
She had been seeing a lovely girl for over a year prior to her exile to Maleficent's. It helped.
But for oneexcuse reason or another, Cinderella's mother had not found a therapist to continue therapy while she was living with her and Diablo.
As soon as Cinderella was relocated back into our Kingdom, I broached the subject to Prince Charming with a sense of urgency.
After her recent disclosures of what she had to emotionally endure while living with Maleficent, and hearing her fears about turning our just like Mom, coupled with Prince Charming's accident, injuries AND our non-yet-final divorce... oh boy....
Prince Charming and I agreed it was needed, and after giving him ample time to take care of it himself I volunteered to make the calls.
Cinderella's prior therapist was about to go on maternity leave, so we chose option #2.
My co-worker, mentor and friend - LCSW. The same therapist that helped me navigate these past two years and reclaim my life and power.
Cinderella was comforted to know that LCSW was familiar with most of our fairytale and she was relieved to not have to re-tell her entire Tale of Woe to a stranger, and that she had many 15 year old clients.
It was instant *like*.
LCSW was cool (she texts her teen clients), older (like a mother) and most of all - alternative and holistic. She's quite in tuned with the 6th Sensory stuff that my kids all seem to be pre-disposed to.
With Prince Charming's approval I make the necessary arrangements, set up her first appointment and agree to handle the weekly transportation.
Twenty minutes in to her first appointment, LCSW emerges from her office, leaving Cinderella inside for a moment.
She audibly exhales. Rolls her eyes. And makes a pretend motion as if she wants to choke me.
Umm...
Wicked, this child needs to be hospitalized AND medicated. Do you know she's been cutting herself since 6th grade?
(to be continued...)
And believe me, it's needed.
(After all these are the same people who raised Prince Charming and his siblings...and none of them escaped unscathed.)
My first priority was getting Cinderella back into therapy.
She had been seeing a lovely girl for over a year prior to her exile to Maleficent's. It helped.
But for one
As soon as Cinderella was relocated back into our Kingdom, I broached the subject to Prince Charming with a sense of urgency.
After her recent disclosures of what she had to emotionally endure while living with Maleficent, and hearing her fears about turning our just like Mom, coupled with Prince Charming's accident, injuries AND our non-yet-final divorce... oh boy....
Prince Charming and I agreed it was needed, and after giving him ample time to take care of it himself I volunteered to make the calls.
Cinderella's prior therapist was about to go on maternity leave, so we chose option #2.
My co-worker, mentor and friend - LCSW. The same therapist that helped me navigate these past two years and reclaim my life and power.
Cinderella was comforted to know that LCSW was familiar with most of our fairytale and she was relieved to not have to re-tell her entire Tale of Woe to a stranger, and that she had many 15 year old clients.
It was instant *like*.
LCSW was cool (she texts her teen clients), older (like a mother) and most of all - alternative and holistic. She's quite in tuned with the 6th Sensory stuff that my kids all seem to be pre-disposed to.
With Prince Charming's approval I make the necessary arrangements, set up her first appointment and agree to handle the weekly transportation.
Twenty minutes in to her first appointment, LCSW emerges from her office, leaving Cinderella inside for a moment.
She audibly exhales. Rolls her eyes. And makes a pretend motion as if she wants to choke me.
Umm...
Wicked, this child needs to be hospitalized AND medicated. Do you know she's been cutting herself since 6th grade?
(to be continued...)
Thursday, May 17, 2012
To Hell and Back Again
Throughout
late 2010 and early 2011, Prince Charming had been battling depression
and anxiety.
He became incapable of caring for anyone...especially himself.
(Being unemployed for close to 8months, to a man who based his entire identity on his ability to support his family and be an Internet Superstar, served as a crushing blow to his fragile ego.)
He struggled emotionally. I struggled financially.
Despite it all, our relationship improved and we were able to make co-parent decisions easily and without conflict.
We agreed that it'd be best if I assumed full custody of Hansel and Gretel in Spring 2011.
Cinderella spent many sleepovers at her Aunt's and Grandparent's both of whom lived within her school district and were able to lend some support while PrinceCharming struggled.
When summer came, PrinceCharming asked Cinderella to spend it with her mother so he could focus on getting better. She agreed to give it a try.
Cinderella was now close to an hour North of me.
PrinceCharming landed a job, at an internet startup.
He then retreated into the city. Close to an hour south of me.
Summer came and went, and Cinderella was then enrolled in High School and asked to stay with Maleficent for her Sophomore year.
PrinceCharming decided that moving Cinderella into the city with him would not be good as she would be left alone most of the time with him working those crazy startup hours.
The adjustment was difficult on everyone...especially our three children who were not only separated from their Dad, but now also each other.
Maleficent's "custody" of Cinderella lasted all of four months.
It was four months too long.
During her exile, Cinderella endured isolation in the form of denied visits to my home, was subjected to regular bouts of Maleficent's verbal diarrhea on the state of her victimization at the hands of PrinceCharming, and was repeatedly forced to choose between her parents only to be called a traitor when she showed her disdain for living with Maleficent and Diablo.
(Oh and toss in a little blackmail too, as in "if you choose to live with your father. we'll tell your baby brothers that you abandoned them and will make sure you never see them again.")
After his (near fatal) accident, it would be two weeks before Cinderella was allowed to visit PrinceCharming in the hospital.
When she was allowed to visit my home, Cinderella started asking questions about what really happened between her mother and father.
"What did Mom do to cause her to lose custody of me?" Was it bad? It must be bad because a judge doesn't just take custody from a parent without good reason. Was I in danger of being hurt? Is she schizophrenic or something?"
Oh boy.
I answered without answering. Left it up to her to decide.
"Babe, you're old enough to see and understand for yourself. You know what you've witnessed and experienced."
It wasn't my place to tell her the details.
But she already knows.
And she is afraid of suffering the same fate as her mother.
Worried that she, too, will at some point be diagnosed with a similar behavioral disorder.
"Mom lives in her own world, that is not based on reality," she tells me.
Wow. It's like she has her own copy of the DSM IV-R hidden in her back pocket!
When we could get a visit, Cinderella's weekends with us were always bittersweet.
My house was once again filled with the cacophony of giggles and screeches of hyperactive kids, happy to have their missing Musketeer back with them.
The dinner table became a hub of cross-talk as we each competed to get Cinderella's attention and bring her up to date on what happened since the last time we saw her.
Inevitably it would end in tears as Hansel and Gretel sobbed when she had to leave, while Cinderella silently stressed over returning to her mother's.
Her bliss at being reunited with us was always so short lived.
The drive back was particularly difficult for both of us because of the specific instructions that I would NOT drop Cinderella off in front of Maleficent's home. Rather, she was to be brought to a gas station around the corner.
You see, apparently... Maleficent's road was PRIVATE and I was not allowed on it. Must be nice to have that kind of POWER, no?
Talk about being treated like the red-headed stepchild! And you people call me Wicked. Pfft!
Ridiculous.
I know.
But I deferred to Cinderella who was so fearful of her mother's tirades that I did not want to do anything to make her stay there any worse.
So I acquiesced for my stepdaughter's sake.
This wasn't about me, it was about her sanity and me wanting to spare her from as much grief as I could.
Cinderella was rescued from her prison tower on January 1st of this year.
It was on the heels of her acting out, as only teens can do to get attention - drinking herself into oblivion with some friends from her self-described "ghetto school" just to make herself numb.
"I wanted to not feel," she told me.
PrinceCharming arranged for a holiday visit to get her away from the toxic environment at her mother's. He asked if Cinderella could spend New Year's weekend with me, since she wasn't allowed to spend Christmas with her Family of Choice.
With us, she could get some sense of normalcy, see Hansel and Gretel and be in a happy family environment.
It was during her weekend stay with me for New Year's that ultimately resulted in PrinceCharming realizing he had made a terrible mistake in sending Cinderella to live with her mother.
We learned of how deeply she was being traumatized on a daily basis.
That short visit ultimately turned into a two weeks respite at my home while PrinceCharming made arrangements to have her transferred to live with my ex-inlaws.
At least there, she would have more involvement with Hansel, Gretel and me.
At least there, PrinceCharming would be allowed to act like a father, inasmuch as he is able.
As least there, we can ALL keep a close eye on this troubled girl and help to regulate her erratic emotions.
And so began another adjustment for her.
And one that hasn't been very easy...
He became incapable of caring for anyone...especially himself.
(Being unemployed for close to 8months, to a man who based his entire identity on his ability to support his family and be an Internet Superstar, served as a crushing blow to his fragile ego.)
He struggled emotionally. I struggled financially.
Despite it all, our relationship improved and we were able to make co-parent decisions easily and without conflict.
We agreed that it'd be best if I assumed full custody of Hansel and Gretel in Spring 2011.
Cinderella spent many sleepovers at her Aunt's and Grandparent's both of whom lived within her school district and were able to lend some support while PrinceCharming struggled.
When summer came, PrinceCharming asked Cinderella to spend it with her mother so he could focus on getting better. She agreed to give it a try.
Cinderella was now close to an hour North of me.
PrinceCharming landed a job, at an internet startup.
He then retreated into the city. Close to an hour south of me.
Summer came and went, and Cinderella was then enrolled in High School and asked to stay with Maleficent for her Sophomore year.
PrinceCharming decided that moving Cinderella into the city with him would not be good as she would be left alone most of the time with him working those crazy startup hours.
The adjustment was difficult on everyone...especially our three children who were not only separated from their Dad, but now also each other.
Maleficent's "custody" of Cinderella lasted all of four months.
It was four months too long.
During her exile, Cinderella endured isolation in the form of denied visits to my home, was subjected to regular bouts of Maleficent's verbal diarrhea on the state of her victimization at the hands of PrinceCharming, and was repeatedly forced to choose between her parents only to be called a traitor when she showed her disdain for living with Maleficent and Diablo.
(Oh and toss in a little blackmail too, as in "if you choose to live with your father. we'll tell your baby brothers that you abandoned them and will make sure you never see them again.")
After his (near fatal) accident, it would be two weeks before Cinderella was allowed to visit PrinceCharming in the hospital.
When she was allowed to visit my home, Cinderella started asking questions about what really happened between her mother and father.
"What did Mom do to cause her to lose custody of me?" Was it bad? It must be bad because a judge doesn't just take custody from a parent without good reason. Was I in danger of being hurt? Is she schizophrenic or something?"
Oh boy.
I answered without answering. Left it up to her to decide.
"Babe, you're old enough to see and understand for yourself. You know what you've witnessed and experienced."
It wasn't my place to tell her the details.
But she already knows.
And she is afraid of suffering the same fate as her mother.
Worried that she, too, will at some point be diagnosed with a similar behavioral disorder.
"Mom lives in her own world, that is not based on reality," she tells me.
Wow. It's like she has her own copy of the DSM IV-R hidden in her back pocket!
When we could get a visit, Cinderella's weekends with us were always bittersweet.
My house was once again filled with the cacophony of giggles and screeches of hyperactive kids, happy to have their missing Musketeer back with them.
The dinner table became a hub of cross-talk as we each competed to get Cinderella's attention and bring her up to date on what happened since the last time we saw her.
Inevitably it would end in tears as Hansel and Gretel sobbed when she had to leave, while Cinderella silently stressed over returning to her mother's.
Her bliss at being reunited with us was always so short lived.
The drive back was particularly difficult for both of us because of the specific instructions that I would NOT drop Cinderella off in front of Maleficent's home. Rather, she was to be brought to a gas station around the corner.
You see, apparently... Maleficent's road was PRIVATE and I was not allowed on it. Must be nice to have that kind of POWER, no?
Talk about being treated like the red-headed stepchild! And you people call me Wicked. Pfft!
Ridiculous.
I know.
But I deferred to Cinderella who was so fearful of her mother's tirades that I did not want to do anything to make her stay there any worse.
So I acquiesced for my stepdaughter's sake.
This wasn't about me, it was about her sanity and me wanting to spare her from as much grief as I could.
Cinderella was rescued from her prison tower on January 1st of this year.
It was on the heels of her acting out, as only teens can do to get attention - drinking herself into oblivion with some friends from her self-described "ghetto school" just to make herself numb.
"I wanted to not feel," she told me.
PrinceCharming arranged for a holiday visit to get her away from the toxic environment at her mother's. He asked if Cinderella could spend New Year's weekend with me, since she wasn't allowed to spend Christmas with her Family of Choice.
With us, she could get some sense of normalcy, see Hansel and Gretel and be in a happy family environment.
It was during her weekend stay with me for New Year's that ultimately resulted in PrinceCharming realizing he had made a terrible mistake in sending Cinderella to live with her mother.
We learned of how deeply she was being traumatized on a daily basis.
That short visit ultimately turned into a two weeks respite at my home while PrinceCharming made arrangements to have her transferred to live with my ex-inlaws.
At least there, she would have more involvement with Hansel, Gretel and me.
At least there, PrinceCharming would be allowed to act like a father, inasmuch as he is able.
As least there, we can ALL keep a close eye on this troubled girl and help to regulate her erratic emotions.
And so began another adjustment for her.
And one that hasn't been very easy...
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Hell Has Frozen Over
Cinderella is living with her BioMom.
After years of battling for - and WINNING - custody of Cinderella, PrinceCharming has relinquished physical custody to Maleficent.
Working start-up hours in NYC, while battling one's own emotional demons, is not conducive to raising a teen (who has her own emotional demons).
He says she understands his decision and is working on making the most of it.
I'm sure Cinderella is happy to be seeing more of her Mom, and her new baby brothers as well. (Maleficent has three other children ages two and under).
It's a double-edged sword and it sucks.
Living with her Dad, she missed seeing her siblings (with Maleficent).
Living with her BioMom, she misses her siblings (with her Dad and me).
This poor kid.
(This post was drafted 3 days before Prince Charming's accident. So many events have taken place since then resulting in another change of custody that now has her living with my ex-inlaws. So much to catch up on, Internetz!)
After years of battling for - and WINNING - custody of Cinderella, PrinceCharming has relinquished physical custody to Maleficent.
Working start-up hours in NYC, while battling one's own emotional demons, is not conducive to raising a teen (who has her own emotional demons).
He says she understands his decision and is working on making the most of it.
I'm sure Cinderella is happy to be seeing more of her Mom, and her new baby brothers as well. (Maleficent has three other children ages two and under).
It's a double-edged sword and it sucks.
Living with her Dad, she missed seeing her siblings (with Maleficent).
Living with her BioMom, she misses her siblings (with her Dad and me).
This poor kid.
(This post was drafted 3 days before Prince Charming's accident. So many events have taken place since then resulting in another change of custody that now has her living with my ex-inlaws. So much to catch up on, Internetz!)
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Oh, hi
Writing has been on my mind.
But time has not been on my side these past four months.
First things first, PrinceCharming is recovering from his injuries. (Thank you for your posts, comments and well-wishes.) He has a long road ahead of him of cognitive rehabilitation - 5-7 years according to the "experts" - but he's on his way. Physically, he is almost back to normal, but mentally he struggles with memory loss, inability to multi-task and confusion. Still, he's made enough progress to start earning a living again, albeit on a part-time basis.
He can't drive for at least 5 years, which means he's been relying on others to drive him around when he visits. His move to NYC back in the summer has turned out to be a blessing in disguise for it affords him some independence.
The kids aren't able to see him as much as they want, since he's not able to watch them, so we've been stealing moments when he is in the area.
They're adjusting but we're all secretly waiting for the time when PrinceCharming is well enough for them to spend the weekend with him again.
On the positive side, our relationship has gotten even stronger throughout all of this and for that I am oh so very grateful. While I miss having a co-parent, and wish I didn't have to go through the daily parenting struggles on my own, I am relieved for the lack of additional drama that having an EX sometimes brings.
Speaking of EX's...
The ex-BF has become a boarder/live-in nanny. It's like I'm living my own Who's The Boss Series, but in reverse!
He's been a huge help to me in so many ways - taking care of the day-to-day goings on in the house, while I get on with the task of earning a living and supporting myself and my kids (child support has taken a huge drop, obviously, due to the circumstances at hand).
We've had our challenges - boundaries have to be redrawn as we navigate through this relationship adjustment, but all-in-all it's been a VERY good thing.
Even more, the kids have a loving male figure around, someone who has stepped in during their Dad's absence.
And in regards to EX's of the other variety...
Maleficent may have lost Cinderella for good.
Following PrinceCharming's move to NYC last summer, Cinderella was asked if she could stay with her mother for a while... so he could, work stuff out.
Well, that didn't go very well and, really, we can't say we are surprised.
The reasons WHY are irrelevant and serve no purpose to rehash here. I will simply say that Maleficent made choices that resulted in PrinceCharming being given full custody of Cinderella six years ago, and her choices after being asked have her daughter stay with her resulted in a emergency change to the living arrangements in New Year's Day.
Cinderella stayed with me for 2 weeks while her Dad worked out the details of moving her OUT of her mother's house and transferring her to a NEW school. She is now happily settled in to her grandparents' home (my EX-in laws) and attending the same high school as her Dad and Aunts once did.
We are thrilled as she is now 10minutes from us and so we will be seeing more of one another.
My 2012 began with the blissful sounds of all three of my children in my home - the laughter, the thundering foot steps as they ran from room to room, was a pure joy. My big girl has grown into such a delightful young woman. Her poise and grace throughout all of the struggles with her mother, this recent one notwithstanding, caused me to beam with pride whenever I think or speak of her.
I am glad that I could be there for her during this latest ordeal, and tickled that PrinceCharming asked me for help. I loved coming home to her, and sitting around the dinner table together, and going to the movies and ...
In spite everything, we have all been blessed with unusual happiness these past few months.
And that, my dears, is the stuff Fairytales are made of.
But time has not been on my side these past four months.
First things first, PrinceCharming is recovering from his injuries. (Thank you for your posts, comments and well-wishes.) He has a long road ahead of him of cognitive rehabilitation - 5-7 years according to the "experts" - but he's on his way. Physically, he is almost back to normal, but mentally he struggles with memory loss, inability to multi-task and confusion. Still, he's made enough progress to start earning a living again, albeit on a part-time basis.
He can't drive for at least 5 years, which means he's been relying on others to drive him around when he visits. His move to NYC back in the summer has turned out to be a blessing in disguise for it affords him some independence.
The kids aren't able to see him as much as they want, since he's not able to watch them, so we've been stealing moments when he is in the area.
They're adjusting but we're all secretly waiting for the time when PrinceCharming is well enough for them to spend the weekend with him again.
On the positive side, our relationship has gotten even stronger throughout all of this and for that I am oh so very grateful. While I miss having a co-parent, and wish I didn't have to go through the daily parenting struggles on my own, I am relieved for the lack of additional drama that having an EX sometimes brings.
Speaking of EX's...
The ex-BF has become a boarder/live-in nanny. It's like I'm living my own Who's The Boss Series, but in reverse!
He's been a huge help to me in so many ways - taking care of the day-to-day goings on in the house, while I get on with the task of earning a living and supporting myself and my kids (child support has taken a huge drop, obviously, due to the circumstances at hand).
We've had our challenges - boundaries have to be redrawn as we navigate through this relationship adjustment, but all-in-all it's been a VERY good thing.
Even more, the kids have a loving male figure around, someone who has stepped in during their Dad's absence.
And in regards to EX's of the other variety...
Maleficent may have lost Cinderella for good.
Following PrinceCharming's move to NYC last summer, Cinderella was asked if she could stay with her mother for a while... so he could, work stuff out.
Well, that didn't go very well and, really, we can't say we are surprised.
The reasons WHY are irrelevant and serve no purpose to rehash here. I will simply say that Maleficent made choices that resulted in PrinceCharming being given full custody of Cinderella six years ago, and her choices after being asked have her daughter stay with her resulted in a emergency change to the living arrangements in New Year's Day.
Cinderella stayed with me for 2 weeks while her Dad worked out the details of moving her OUT of her mother's house and transferring her to a NEW school. She is now happily settled in to her grandparents' home (my EX-in laws) and attending the same high school as her Dad and Aunts once did.
We are thrilled as she is now 10minutes from us and so we will be seeing more of one another.
My 2012 began with the blissful sounds of all three of my children in my home - the laughter, the thundering foot steps as they ran from room to room, was a pure joy. My big girl has grown into such a delightful young woman. Her poise and grace throughout all of the struggles with her mother, this recent one notwithstanding, caused me to beam with pride whenever I think or speak of her.
I am glad that I could be there for her during this latest ordeal, and tickled that PrinceCharming asked me for help. I loved coming home to her, and sitting around the dinner table together, and going to the movies and ...
In spite everything, we have all been blessed with unusual happiness these past few months.
And that, my dears, is the stuff Fairytales are made of.
Monday, October 24, 2011
How I Spent 9/11
The day after the last post on this blog, I was sitting in front of the TV like so many other Americans watching the 9/11 Memorial coverage at Ground Zero.
Like I do every year, I listened as the bells were rung to commemorate when each plane hit and as each tower fell.
I listened to the reading off of the names and cried when they reached the name of the loved one I'd lost ten years ago.
I honored those lost and those left behind by lighting two pillar candles in remembrance.
I turned off the TV and went about my morning with plans to take the kids to a local 9/11 Memorial which was close to a park.
I wanted to honor the day by going out and living the life I am so blessed to have.
It was 11am when my phone rang.
The caller ID said it was PrinceCharming. The voice on the other end, however, couldn't have been farther from his.
It was his sister. She was calling to tell me that my (not yet) ex-husband had been in a head on collision early that morning and was in the Trauma ICU at a local hospital.
He's going to be ok but he wanted me to call to tell you.
Sorry, but the letters "I-C-U" and "O-K" don't go together in my Dictionary.
I hung up the phone in a daze as my 9 and 5 year olds played blissfully unaware of the new 9/11 tragedy that may or may not be playing out in our lives.
My mind went blank.
What was I to do? What do I tell the kids?? What am I supposed to say??? How am I supposed to feel????
I was alone.
And in new territory.
I hadn't spoken with my SIL in close to two years and doubted I would get very many answers from her any time soon.
Knowing she suffers the same passive-agressive tendencies as her brother, I called in reinforcements and notified every one of PrinceCharming's and my mutual friends. I needed to know the truth of what had happened to my childrens' father and I needed to know it N-O-W.
As I struggled to remain calm in front of our kids, I texted and snuck phone calls to relay what little information I had.
We're on our way and will call you from the hospital.
Our friends descended upon Trauma ICU en masse and over the course of the next several weeks proved invaluable to my sanity.
For the two days following I was with my (not yet) ex-husband at his bedside while our kids were at school, needing to see for myself the extent of his injuries and whether or not he truly would be OK.
He was intubated, yet conscious.
He couldn't speak but his body language communicated VOLUMES that only I could understand. I relayed instructions to those who were taking charge of his care (a job that once belonged to me), so they could do their best to make sure he was comfortable.
I held PrinceCharming's hand and reassured him the kids were ok and would be ok.
I looked into his eyes and he squeezed my hand in acknowledgement and thanks.
(Of course, I was referring to Hansel and Gretel whom I had control over what and how the information would be disseminated. Cinderella, OTOH, was at my SILs house when the accident occurred and was told moments before her BioMom came to pick her up. This was not what PrinceCharming wanted.)
(Cinderella had started the school year at her mother's, not by choice, but due to PrinceCharming's struggles with his depression and trying to balance a new job at an internet start-up. She has been allowed to see her father TWICE in the past six weeks, despite many attempts by me to make this situation right. This past weekend I succeeded, with his help, and was able to bring all of our kids to him for a visit.)
These past six weeks have consisted of MRIs, CT Scans, X-Rays, ER visits and long stints in two hospitals.
My (not yet) ex-husband is lucky to be alive.
He's been up against numerous broken and shattered bones paired with traumatic brain injury resulting in memory loss.
Compound all of that with post-traumatic stress no doubt added to his pre-existing anxiety and depression.
The lines of reality and perceived reality as a result of this emotional dysregulation are blurry at best.
I'm in unfamiliar yet all-too-familiar territory at the same time.
Once primary care-giver now bystander.
I'm faced with the challenge of knowing his flair for melodrama, penchant for providing minimum information for maximum impact and isolationism, while being empathetic to his situation and the indisputable injuries he has suffered.
Having to step back without walking away is difficult.
Prince Charmng has a long road of rehabilitation ahead of him.
It seems, I do too.
Like I do every year, I listened as the bells were rung to commemorate when each plane hit and as each tower fell.
I listened to the reading off of the names and cried when they reached the name of the loved one I'd lost ten years ago.I honored those lost and those left behind by lighting two pillar candles in remembrance.
I turned off the TV and went about my morning with plans to take the kids to a local 9/11 Memorial which was close to a park.
I wanted to honor the day by going out and living the life I am so blessed to have.
It was 11am when my phone rang.
The caller ID said it was PrinceCharming. The voice on the other end, however, couldn't have been farther from his.
It was his sister. She was calling to tell me that my (not yet) ex-husband had been in a head on collision early that morning and was in the Trauma ICU at a local hospital.
He's going to be ok but he wanted me to call to tell you.
Sorry, but the letters "I-C-U" and "O-K" don't go together in my Dictionary.
I hung up the phone in a daze as my 9 and 5 year olds played blissfully unaware of the new 9/11 tragedy that may or may not be playing out in our lives.
My mind went blank.
What was I to do? What do I tell the kids?? What am I supposed to say??? How am I supposed to feel????
I was alone.
And in new territory.
I hadn't spoken with my SIL in close to two years and doubted I would get very many answers from her any time soon.
Knowing she suffers the same passive-agressive tendencies as her brother, I called in reinforcements and notified every one of PrinceCharming's and my mutual friends. I needed to know the truth of what had happened to my childrens' father and I needed to know it N-O-W.
As I struggled to remain calm in front of our kids, I texted and snuck phone calls to relay what little information I had.
We're on our way and will call you from the hospital.
Our friends descended upon Trauma ICU en masse and over the course of the next several weeks proved invaluable to my sanity.
For the two days following I was with my (not yet) ex-husband at his bedside while our kids were at school, needing to see for myself the extent of his injuries and whether or not he truly would be OK.
He was intubated, yet conscious.
He couldn't speak but his body language communicated VOLUMES that only I could understand. I relayed instructions to those who were taking charge of his care (a job that once belonged to me), so they could do their best to make sure he was comfortable.
I held PrinceCharming's hand and reassured him the kids were ok and would be ok.
I looked into his eyes and he squeezed my hand in acknowledgement and thanks.
(Of course, I was referring to Hansel and Gretel whom I had control over what and how the information would be disseminated. Cinderella, OTOH, was at my SILs house when the accident occurred and was told moments before her BioMom came to pick her up. This was not what PrinceCharming wanted.)
(Cinderella had started the school year at her mother's, not by choice, but due to PrinceCharming's struggles with his depression and trying to balance a new job at an internet start-up. She has been allowed to see her father TWICE in the past six weeks, despite many attempts by me to make this situation right. This past weekend I succeeded, with his help, and was able to bring all of our kids to him for a visit.)
These past six weeks have consisted of MRIs, CT Scans, X-Rays, ER visits and long stints in two hospitals.
My (not yet) ex-husband is lucky to be alive.
He's been up against numerous broken and shattered bones paired with traumatic brain injury resulting in memory loss.
Compound all of that with post-traumatic stress no doubt added to his pre-existing anxiety and depression.
The lines of reality and perceived reality as a result of this emotional dysregulation are blurry at best.
I'm in unfamiliar yet all-too-familiar territory at the same time.
Once primary care-giver now bystander.
I'm faced with the challenge of knowing his flair for melodrama, penchant for providing minimum information for maximum impact and isolationism, while being empathetic to his situation and the indisputable injuries he has suffered.
Having to step back without walking away is difficult.
Prince Charmng has a long road of rehabilitation ahead of him.
It seems, I do too.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
What I Did On My Summer Vacation
The end of August, I took the kids on a week-long vacation with my Dad and Stepmom. This was a trip I NEVER thought would happen, for a variety of reasons, the least of which came down to (lack of) money.
But opportunity knocked. Just at the point in my summer when I was about to surrender and accept that there would be NO vacation - rather a STAYcation - my Dad offered the kids and I an all-expense-paid trip to a destination of my choice. The only caveat was that it had to be a place within driving distance so all I needed to worry about, was gas and tolls. Thanks, Dad!
I chose Colonial Williamsburg. A place my Dad had taken me years ago, which held so many happy memories for me, I wanted my kids to have those same memories with their Grandfather. This would be their first vacation with Grandpop, and it was especially important to make this trip knowing he and my Stepmom are moving from NJ to Arizona in just two-weeks time.
With the location chosen, our time-share was booked! A spacious three-bedroom condo from Wyndham Vacation Resorts with all the bells and whistles.
Tickets were purchased! Passes to Colonial Willamsburg, Busch Gardens and WaterCountry USA.
My coin jar was cashed in to pay for gas and tolls. My car inspected and given a once over.
All ready!
Queue: PANIC!
Eight hour drive. Two kids. Thirteen year old car. No working radio. No DVD player.
HOLY CRAP.
What am I doing? How am I going to keep them entertained for so long??How am I going to handle them by myself in an amusement park?? What if the car breaks down???
In that moment of panic and weakness, I asked the ex-boyfriend to come along. Not because I wanted him to, but because I thought I needed him to.
I was being faced with another inner conflict between the Me that is growing vs. the Me that wants to stay stuck in the past. At that moment, I lacked the confidence in my ability to handle the driving, the kids, the rides and whatever else came along. Self-doubt crept in once again.
And... as I was asking my ex-boyfriend to join us, every cell in my body was crying out NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I spent the weeks leading up to my vacation worrying and fretting over the potential consequences to this decision. Ambivalence mixed with dread over what was supposed to be a fun trip with my children.
See, the ex-boyfriend and I have been on-again/off-again many times over the past two years. Each time we'd break up for the same reasons (mainly my desire to be independent and single) only to get back together for the same reasons (mainly my co-dependence and fear).
But this break-up felt different to me and I worried he would get the wrong impression, develop unrealistic expectations based on how things always went before, and that my vacation would be ruined if things didn't go as he hoped.
(I know I've created this sceanrio by my lack on conviction in the past. By my own indecisiveness and not trusting myself enough to step fully into my independence. I kept standing in my own way of personal growth, and asking him to come along was another shining example of that.)
He promised me there were no strings attached, that he understood my feelings had truly changed and that we would have a nice trip.
I trusted in that (though I had my doubts), and decided to go.
True to his nature, the ex-BF helped prepare for the trip by cleaning and packing my car, changing the oil and driving it to be inspected while I was at work. He mowed my lawn before we left. He did all of the driving to VA. He helped take care of the kids by going on all the crazy rollercoasters Hansel wanted to go on and indulging Gretel's every request to be carried, coddled and cuddled. He greeted my with a cup of coffee every morning when I woke up, cooked breakfast one morning for all six of us, helped with our laundry while there, ran errands and overall looked after everyone's emotional well-being.
Wow. Right?
The entire week I watched and realized how abundant my life is. How blessed I am to be surrounded by such generosity - from my Dad who made this vacation possible to my ex-boyfriend who wanted to do nothing more than take care of me and the kids.
I watched as this sweet man doted on us and wondered - why isn't it enough?
The days before my trip, my boss told me how good she thought he was for me. My therapist/friend asked if maybe he wasn't the one afterall. But then I realized that my boss is the same woman who, herself, is stuck in a co-dependent relationship. And who thinks my ex-husband should be made to pay for everything (child support + child care + camp + vacations + medical)because "what happens when you don't have the money to help pay for them?" Yeah, her opinion is a little clouded. And my therapist/friend is doing her job; asking me all the right questions to prompt me to do my own soul searching to make sure I know what I want.
That's precisely what I did. And for whatever reason, all of that is not enough. And as much as I tried to convince myself during our vacation and for the week after that he stayed at my house; making the effort to see, appreciate (and want) what I could have in him, I did not feel the desire to reconcile. Not this time.
Instead, my attention and desires are being pulled in another direction.
This time, I'm getting out of my own way, and taking that next step.
But opportunity knocked. Just at the point in my summer when I was about to surrender and accept that there would be NO vacation - rather a STAYcation - my Dad offered the kids and I an all-expense-paid trip to a destination of my choice. The only caveat was that it had to be a place within driving distance so all I needed to worry about, was gas and tolls. Thanks, Dad!
I chose Colonial Williamsburg. A place my Dad had taken me years ago, which held so many happy memories for me, I wanted my kids to have those same memories with their Grandfather. This would be their first vacation with Grandpop, and it was especially important to make this trip knowing he and my Stepmom are moving from NJ to Arizona in just two-weeks time.
With the location chosen, our time-share was booked! A spacious three-bedroom condo from Wyndham Vacation Resorts with all the bells and whistles.
Tickets were purchased! Passes to Colonial Willamsburg, Busch Gardens and WaterCountry USA.
My coin jar was cashed in to pay for gas and tolls. My car inspected and given a once over.
All ready!
Queue: PANIC!
Eight hour drive. Two kids. Thirteen year old car. No working radio. No DVD player.
HOLY CRAP.
What am I doing? How am I going to keep them entertained for so long??How am I going to handle them by myself in an amusement park?? What if the car breaks down???
In that moment of panic and weakness, I asked the ex-boyfriend to come along. Not because I wanted him to, but because I thought I needed him to.
I was being faced with another inner conflict between the Me that is growing vs. the Me that wants to stay stuck in the past. At that moment, I lacked the confidence in my ability to handle the driving, the kids, the rides and whatever else came along. Self-doubt crept in once again.
And... as I was asking my ex-boyfriend to join us, every cell in my body was crying out NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I spent the weeks leading up to my vacation worrying and fretting over the potential consequences to this decision. Ambivalence mixed with dread over what was supposed to be a fun trip with my children.
See, the ex-boyfriend and I have been on-again/off-again many times over the past two years. Each time we'd break up for the same reasons (mainly my desire to be independent and single) only to get back together for the same reasons (mainly my co-dependence and fear).
But this break-up felt different to me and I worried he would get the wrong impression, develop unrealistic expectations based on how things always went before, and that my vacation would be ruined if things didn't go as he hoped.
(I know I've created this sceanrio by my lack on conviction in the past. By my own indecisiveness and not trusting myself enough to step fully into my independence. I kept standing in my own way of personal growth, and asking him to come along was another shining example of that.)
He promised me there were no strings attached, that he understood my feelings had truly changed and that we would have a nice trip.
I trusted in that (though I had my doubts), and decided to go.
True to his nature, the ex-BF helped prepare for the trip by cleaning and packing my car, changing the oil and driving it to be inspected while I was at work. He mowed my lawn before we left. He did all of the driving to VA. He helped take care of the kids by going on all the crazy rollercoasters Hansel wanted to go on and indulging Gretel's every request to be carried, coddled and cuddled. He greeted my with a cup of coffee every morning when I woke up, cooked breakfast one morning for all six of us, helped with our laundry while there, ran errands and overall looked after everyone's emotional well-being.
Wow. Right?
The entire week I watched and realized how abundant my life is. How blessed I am to be surrounded by such generosity - from my Dad who made this vacation possible to my ex-boyfriend who wanted to do nothing more than take care of me and the kids.
I watched as this sweet man doted on us and wondered - why isn't it enough?
The days before my trip, my boss told me how good she thought he was for me. My therapist/friend asked if maybe he wasn't the one afterall. But then I realized that my boss is the same woman who, herself, is stuck in a co-dependent relationship. And who thinks my ex-husband should be made to pay for everything (child support + child care + camp + vacations + medical)because "what happens when you don't have the money to help pay for them?" Yeah, her opinion is a little clouded. And my therapist/friend is doing her job; asking me all the right questions to prompt me to do my own soul searching to make sure I know what I want.
That's precisely what I did. And for whatever reason, all of that is not enough. And as much as I tried to convince myself during our vacation and for the week after that he stayed at my house; making the effort to see, appreciate (and want) what I could have in him, I did not feel the desire to reconcile. Not this time.
Instead, my attention and desires are being pulled in another direction.
This time, I'm getting out of my own way, and taking that next step.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Clarity
These past two weeks have brought with them amazing clarity as to where my life has been, and where it's going.
This past Saturday, my family vacation trip with the kids and ex-BF officially came to an end. After two weeks (which was supposed to be one week but was unexpectedly extended for a week thanks to Hurricane Irene and my lack of babysitting resources), I dropped off the kids with their Dad, returned my ex-BF/vacation companion- turned-houseguest home, then spent the day ALONE...reflecting and recharging. I responded to the powerful call of nature and chose to go to a local lake preserve in search of a rumored waterfall. I have never been there, even though I spent half of my time for nearly a year just 10 minutes from it.
First I stopped in a local hippie town, did a little shopping in a tie-dye boutique, and picked up an appropo lunch (falafel sandwich). I plugged my desitination into my GPS and as I followed the windy mountain road, I found one entrance to the preserve was closed due to hurricane. The other was FULL.
I then realized I had no cash for parking nor was I dressed for hiking (croc sandals do not count as adequate hiking shoes!).
I adapted my plan and pulled onto a scenic overlook, climbed over the guard rail and sat meditating on one of three rocks, looking out over rural farms of the Hudson Valley, NY ... surrounded by grasshoppers, butterflies and three hawks who continuously circled overhead.
~ Grasshoppers=good luck and abundance.
~ Butterflies symbolize transformation.
~ Three is the number of creation.
~ Hawks are messengers, bringing clarity and healing.
I was reminded that day that the future I have been working so hard to create is becoming a reality with each passing day, with each step, every risk and every decision.
It may sometimes be hazy (as was my view from the mountainside that day), but I know its there.
My life (and myself) has gone through termendous tranformation over these past 2 years.
I'm no longer where I was, I may not where I'm going...but I am on my way.
(Oh yeah, and I will be returning to that lake preserve to find that waterfall!)
This past Saturday, my family vacation trip with the kids and ex-BF officially came to an end. After two weeks (which was supposed to be one week but was unexpectedly extended for a week thanks to Hurricane Irene and my lack of babysitting resources), I dropped off the kids with their Dad, returned my ex-BF/vacation companion- turned-houseguest home, then spent the day ALONE...reflecting and recharging. I responded to the powerful call of nature and chose to go to a local lake preserve in search of a rumored waterfall. I have never been there, even though I spent half of my time for nearly a year just 10 minutes from it.
First I stopped in a local hippie town, did a little shopping in a tie-dye boutique, and picked up an appropo lunch (falafel sandwich). I plugged my desitination into my GPS and as I followed the windy mountain road, I found one entrance to the preserve was closed due to hurricane. The other was FULL.
I then realized I had no cash for parking nor was I dressed for hiking (croc sandals do not count as adequate hiking shoes!).
I adapted my plan and pulled onto a scenic overlook, climbed over the guard rail and sat meditating on one of three rocks, looking out over rural farms of the Hudson Valley, NY ... surrounded by grasshoppers, butterflies and three hawks who continuously circled overhead.
~ Grasshoppers=good luck and abundance.
~ Butterflies symbolize transformation.
~ Three is the number of creation.
~ Hawks are messengers, bringing clarity and healing.
I was reminded that day that the future I have been working so hard to create is becoming a reality with each passing day, with each step, every risk and every decision.
It may sometimes be hazy (as was my view from the mountainside that day), but I know its there.
I'm no longer where I was, I may not where I'm going...but I am on my way.
(Oh yeah, and I will be returning to that lake preserve to find that waterfall!)
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
On Birthdays and Breakups (Part II)
Prince Charming, Cinderella and Hansel all have July birthdays.
Last week, my ex-husband and ex-stepdaughter came to my house to celebrate Hansel's 9th birthday.
This past weekend it was Hansel and Gretel's turn to visit their Dad's to celebrate his and Cinderella's birthdays.
But before that, presents needed to be purchased and cards were made.
I know the subject of birthdays is a hot topic amongst divorced and stepparents.
Admittedly, my own opinions on this subject have changed over the years. In the early days of this blog, when I allowed myself to be bitter and angry over situations I had no control over, I had a total FUCK YOU attitude and played the tit-for-tat game with Maleficent. If *she* didn't take Cinderella to get a gift for her Dad, then *I'm* not taking Cinderella to get a gift for her.
Later, as I stepped into the role of acceptance and rose above the pettiness - I let go of the things I couldn't control and focused on what was right for my stepdaughter, I found greater peace within and so did Cinderella.
If a present needed to be bought, I took her. If her Mom didn't help her pick out a gift for her Dad's birthday or Christmas, I took her shopping for one.
Likewise, I took Cinderella to pick up gifts for her mother because it didn't matter how *I* felt about Maleficent.
It wasn't about *me.* It was about my stepdaughter.
What right did I have to deny her the pleasure of showing her love for either parent? What would it prove by refusing to take her shopping? Who would I be hurting most?
I try to live by the mantra: Love your kids more than you hate your ex.
This applies to ALL ex's... your spouse's ex too.
In keeping with this mantra, both Hansel and Gretel were taken out this past week/weekend to pick out birthday presents for their Dad and their sister. And they were excitedly dropped off to celebrate with them on Sunday.
Though, in all honesty, it wasn't that difficult of a task.
I'm thankful I don't have the kind of relationship with my ex that *he's* had with his ex. Where celebrating birthdays, or simple acts of compassion, are forced.
I know my kids are happy about that too - for it creates a safe environment where they can express and show their love for their Dad.
Yesterday was Prince Charming's actual birthday. I made sure my kids called to wish their Dad a happy birthday, and when they handed me the phone, they heard me wish him the same.
Last week, my ex-husband and ex-stepdaughter came to my house to celebrate Hansel's 9th birthday.
This past weekend it was Hansel and Gretel's turn to visit their Dad's to celebrate his and Cinderella's birthdays.
But before that, presents needed to be purchased and cards were made.
I know the subject of birthdays is a hot topic amongst divorced and stepparents.
Admittedly, my own opinions on this subject have changed over the years. In the early days of this blog, when I allowed myself to be bitter and angry over situations I had no control over, I had a total FUCK YOU attitude and played the tit-for-tat game with Maleficent. If *she* didn't take Cinderella to get a gift for her Dad, then *I'm* not taking Cinderella to get a gift for her.
Later, as I stepped into the role of acceptance and rose above the pettiness - I let go of the things I couldn't control and focused on what was right for my stepdaughter, I found greater peace within and so did Cinderella.
If a present needed to be bought, I took her. If her Mom didn't help her pick out a gift for her Dad's birthday or Christmas, I took her shopping for one.
Likewise, I took Cinderella to pick up gifts for her mother because it didn't matter how *I* felt about Maleficent.
It wasn't about *me.* It was about my stepdaughter.
What right did I have to deny her the pleasure of showing her love for either parent? What would it prove by refusing to take her shopping? Who would I be hurting most?
I try to live by the mantra: Love your kids more than you hate your ex.
This applies to ALL ex's... your spouse's ex too.
In keeping with this mantra, both Hansel and Gretel were taken out this past week/weekend to pick out birthday presents for their Dad and their sister. And they were excitedly dropped off to celebrate with them on Sunday.
Though, in all honesty, it wasn't that difficult of a task.
I'm thankful I don't have the kind of relationship with my ex that *he's* had with his ex. Where celebrating birthdays, or simple acts of compassion, are forced.
I know my kids are happy about that too - for it creates a safe environment where they can express and show their love for their Dad.
Yesterday was Prince Charming's actual birthday. I made sure my kids called to wish their Dad a happy birthday, and when they handed me the phone, they heard me wish him the same.
Monday, July 25, 2011
The Root of All Evil
I'm quickly running out of money.
Despite moving into a new house that's cheaper in rent (and utilities) and increasing my hours at work, I'm facing the reality that I will most likely be able to cover my rent for one more month after which my savings will be totally depleted.
I'm feeling a little panicky.
My car is overdue for inspection. And an oil change. And there's a rattle in my muffler which was *just* replaced by the ex-BF.
My MacBook Pro which is what I use for WORK so I can get PAID has bit the dust and needs to be taken to the Apple Store if I have any hope of remaining a productive asset to my clients. Estimates are it will cost +/-$400 to repair.
I'm writing this post on an archaic PC - for which I am grateful because at least I can do *some* work.
No health insurance. No child support. Bills. And an upcoming vacation booked and committed.
This is one of those times when all that I have learned over the last year gets put to the test.
I've been running through them all for the past week:
In the meantime, I'm accepting applications for a Sugar Daddy... ya know, just in case.
Despite moving into a new house that's cheaper in rent (and utilities) and increasing my hours at work, I'm facing the reality that I will most likely be able to cover my rent for one more month after which my savings will be totally depleted.
I'm feeling a little panicky.
My car is overdue for inspection. And an oil change. And there's a rattle in my muffler which was *just* replaced by the ex-BF.
My MacBook Pro which is what I use for WORK so I can get PAID has bit the dust and needs to be taken to the Apple Store if I have any hope of remaining a productive asset to my clients. Estimates are it will cost +/-$400 to repair.
I'm writing this post on an archaic PC - for which I am grateful because at least I can do *some* work.
No health insurance. No child support. Bills. And an upcoming vacation booked and committed.
This is one of those times when all that I have learned over the last year gets put to the test.
I've been running through them all for the past week:
- Have trust and faith
- Focus on the haves instead of the have-nots
- Breathe
- Stay in the moment
- Energy follows intention
- Like attracts like
- Law of Attraction
In the meantime, I'm accepting applications for a Sugar Daddy... ya know, just in case.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
On Birthdays and Breakups
"I don't know why [he] wouldn't want to be my Mom's boyfriend anymore because I think she's the most beautiful woman in the whole world."
Honest words spoken by my now 9 year old to his therapist, over my recent breakup with my (rebound) boyfriend.
Aside from the whole "AWWWW!" factor to his statement, it was also a glaring reminder that a follow-up conversation was needed to set some issues STRAIGHT over the how's and why's of my newly single status.
I forget that simply telling kids something ONCE, doesn't guarantee they hear me or they GET IT.
I mean, how many times do I have to tell them to brush your teeth/wash your hands/clean your room/get to bed/stop licking your brother!!! before they actually LISTEN??
D'uh.
(And if you leave a comment saying that YOUR kids listen the first time you ask them to do something, I will SOOOOOOO delete you!)
*ahem*
Anyway...
My son expressed sadness over this recent loss of another man in his life. And Hansel blamed himself for this breakup. It's no wonder, really, considering the last time he had seen the ex-boyfriend, we were disagreeing over his opinions on my LACK of disciplinary tactics and HIS lack of respect for me as THE parent.
Relationship over. Respect reclaimed.
Despite one of the first things I said to the kids regarding the break-up was that YOU DID NOT DO ANYTHING TO CAUSE THIS, Hansel blamed himself. And admitted to feeling sad about it.
So Hansel was told again - and again that HE wasn't to BLAME. That brownups break up for grownup reasons and not because of other people.
My son then admitted to being a little mad at the ex-boyfriend assuming that HE broke up with ME.
I set him straight on that one too. The ex-boyfriend didn't break up with Mommy. It was Mommy's choice, and it had nothing to do with Hansel or his sister, or any arguments they may have overheard. So he didn't need to be mad at him.
Hansel was then again reminded that the ex-boyfriend was still their friend and they would still see him.
"Oh really? Then I want him at my birthday party."
(And once again the lesson of doing what's right for the kids is tested, as it so often is when one is going through a divorce or breakup. GAH!)
And... so, there in the parking lot of my kid's therapist's office, I put my own personal feelings aside and texted the ex-boyfriend to extend the invitation from my son.
And this past Saturday, my 9 year old lived and experienced the lessons *I* have learned about divorce.
He, the son of a girl whose parents divorced at a similar age and whose Mom, Dad and Stepmom came together regularly for her own birthday and other celebrations, caught a glimpse into what divorce DOESN'T HAVE TO BE.
This year, Hansel's 9th birthday was spent surrounded by the people who meant the most to him, because we are all able to put aside our personal feelings for the sake of one child's happiness. Some of those people included PrinceCharming, Cinderella, my ex-boyfriend, my Dad, my Mom (Dad's wife #1), my Stepmom #1 (Dad's 2nd wife, now divorced) and my Stepmom #2 (Dad's current wife). All of us smiled together, tossed water balloons, helped assemble gifts and stood shoulder-to-shoulder to watch this uniquely intuitive and sensitive child blow out the candles on his homemade icecream cake.
No, my dears. Mine ain't your average fairytale.
Honest words spoken by my now 9 year old to his therapist, over my recent breakup with my (rebound) boyfriend.
Aside from the whole "AWWWW!" factor to his statement, it was also a glaring reminder that a follow-up conversation was needed to set some issues STRAIGHT over the how's and why's of my newly single status.
I forget that simply telling kids something ONCE, doesn't guarantee they hear me or they GET IT.
I mean, how many times do I have to tell them to brush your teeth/wash your hands/clean your room/get to bed/stop licking your brother!!! before they actually LISTEN??
D'uh.
(And if you leave a comment saying that YOUR kids listen the first time you ask them to do something, I will SOOOOOOO delete you!)
*ahem*
Anyway...
My son expressed sadness over this recent loss of another man in his life. And Hansel blamed himself for this breakup. It's no wonder, really, considering the last time he had seen the ex-boyfriend, we were disagreeing over his opinions on my LACK of disciplinary tactics and HIS lack of respect for me as THE parent.
Relationship over. Respect reclaimed.
Despite one of the first things I said to the kids regarding the break-up was that YOU DID NOT DO ANYTHING TO CAUSE THIS, Hansel blamed himself. And admitted to feeling sad about it.
So Hansel was told again - and again that HE wasn't to BLAME. That brownups break up for grownup reasons and not because of other people.
My son then admitted to being a little mad at the ex-boyfriend assuming that HE broke up with ME.
I set him straight on that one too. The ex-boyfriend didn't break up with Mommy. It was Mommy's choice, and it had nothing to do with Hansel or his sister, or any arguments they may have overheard. So he didn't need to be mad at him.
Hansel was then again reminded that the ex-boyfriend was still their friend and they would still see him.
"Oh really? Then I want him at my birthday party."
(And once again the lesson of doing what's right for the kids is tested, as it so often is when one is going through a divorce or breakup. GAH!)
And... so, there in the parking lot of my kid's therapist's office, I put my own personal feelings aside and texted the ex-boyfriend to extend the invitation from my son.
And this past Saturday, my 9 year old lived and experienced the lessons *I* have learned about divorce.
He, the son of a girl whose parents divorced at a similar age and whose Mom, Dad and Stepmom came together regularly for her own birthday and other celebrations, caught a glimpse into what divorce DOESN'T HAVE TO BE.
This year, Hansel's 9th birthday was spent surrounded by the people who meant the most to him, because we are all able to put aside our personal feelings for the sake of one child's happiness. Some of those people included PrinceCharming, Cinderella, my ex-boyfriend, my Dad, my Mom (Dad's wife #1), my Stepmom #1 (Dad's 2nd wife, now divorced) and my Stepmom #2 (Dad's current wife). All of us smiled together, tossed water balloons, helped assemble gifts and stood shoulder-to-shoulder to watch this uniquely intuitive and sensitive child blow out the candles on his homemade icecream cake.
No, my dears. Mine ain't your average fairytale.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
A Matter of Time
The kids are going to see their Dad today.
Technically, this weekend is my custodial weekend with them.
But the lines of custody and visitation are blurred in our home lately.
And I'm ok with that.
For ten years we were controlled by a strict custodial schedule with Cinderella, which did little to foster a positive relationship between her and her mother. Instead it served as a constant reminder of the bitter court battles, arguments and disparaging remarks out of which the custody "agreement" was born... and mostly, a convenient excuse to perpetuate it all. For. Ten. Years.
There was NO give and take. Every second was accounted for, planned out months in advance with no allowance for last minute changes or negotiations.
No compromises.
No swapping of days or weekends.
Period.
But today, the kids asked to see their Dad. And, so ... they are going to see him.
His time vs. my time?
Who gives a rat's ass.
They're OUR kids.
So it's OUR time to do with as we choose. They want to see him, and it's not about me.
Period.
Technically, this weekend is my custodial weekend with them.
But the lines of custody and visitation are blurred in our home lately.
And I'm ok with that.
For ten years we were controlled by a strict custodial schedule with Cinderella, which did little to foster a positive relationship between her and her mother. Instead it served as a constant reminder of the bitter court battles, arguments and disparaging remarks out of which the custody "agreement" was born... and mostly, a convenient excuse to perpetuate it all. For. Ten. Years.
There was NO give and take. Every second was accounted for, planned out months in advance with no allowance for last minute changes or negotiations.
No compromises.
No swapping of days or weekends.
Period.
But today, the kids asked to see their Dad. And, so ... they are going to see him.
His time vs. my time?
Who gives a rat's ass.
They're OUR kids.
So it's OUR time to do with as we choose. They want to see him, and it's not about me.
Period.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Doing Everything I Can
"Keep and eye out for Cinderella and tell the kids that I love them!"
This is the text that I received 10pm Sunday night.
Since taking the kids on full time since May, they've seen their Dad only a handful of times. And have not slept over his house for months.
He's being treated for anxiety and depression; checked himself into a local behavioral treatment center TWICE and is working to find the right combination of therapy (group vs. individual) and medication. All while taking steps to get closure on certain events (like his toxic relationship with Maleficent, our divorce and issues with his mother and sister) and look for a job so he can keep his house, get medical coverage to PAY for his therapy and drugs and help support his kids.
That's a tough reality to face, even for the healthiest of individuals.
He's up. He's down.
The day before, I awoke at 7am to a text asking if I was awake.
He sent it at 6:30am.
His meds weren't working he said, so he was cycling through some kind of emotions that he did not share, because I mostly didn't pursue. I didn't push for more info. Didn't engage him or pull him in or put myself into the role of caretaker.
I told him I understood and then went about my day.
Then I get THE text the following night. 36 hours after he first reached out to me:
"Keep and eye out for Cinderella and tell the kids that I love them!"
"It's hard not to read into that text," a friend noted.Yes. Yes it is.
"You put too much trust in a habitual liar. You're the only one who believes him," says the (recently) ex(ed) BF.
(I actually laughed at his accusation against Prince Charming, when considering his own 20+ year history of adultery and current attempts at manipulating the immigration system. A certain saying about a pot and a kettle comes to mind. But... I digress.)
Maybe I believe Prince Charming. Maybe I don't care enough to NOT to believe him.
I mean, my energy is better spent on making sure my kids and I are taken care of and supported, than expending it on trying to figure out if I'm being told the truth or not.
His truth isn't my concern. My truth is.
My truth is that I have two children who need love and support. I can give that to them. So that's what I'm going to do.
And, for arguments' sake - what if Prince Charming ISN'T lying?
Quite frankly, I don't want the responsibility of NOT doing something. I'm sorry but anyone who receives a text with even the slighest hint of a suicidal threat is OBLIGATED to do something - whether you believe it or not.
Which is precisely what I did.
I texted him back and when he didn't immediately respond I called every goddamn number he had until he finally picked up. I advised him to call someone - his therapist, his doctor, a hotline. Threatened to call 9-1-1- if I have to. Made him promise me he would call someone and then check in with me because he was stronger than this and giving up was not an option.
Yes, I chose to believe there was some truth behind that text.
I did it for my kids. So that, in the most horrible of potential endings to this chapter of my fairytale, I can honestly say to my kids that Mommy did everything she could do.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Stability Amongst the Chaos
Lots of shifts are afoot in the castle.
Custody changes. Moving to a new castle. Finding my independence. Financial juggling resulting from the aforementioned happenings.
All for the better, but difficult nontheless. My conviction is being tested constantly.
I'm just taking it day by day - and sometimes breath by breath.
But in the words of the infamous Charlie Sheen, I'm "WINNING!"
Prince Charming and I had our conversation with the kids about the custody changes. We decided he needed to come to my house, a place of comfort for them. We told them we both loved them, and that we decided together that it would be in their best interest to not have to switch between our two homes mid-week. We reassured them they would still see Dad on his weekends, and one day mid-week (if possible). Made sure they didn't think I was trying to take them away from their Dad, or that Dad was mad at anyone (this was an especially important point to make to Hansel, due to the dinner/food struggles he encounters at Dad's).
I did most of the talking. PC wasn't fully present. He tried, but even the kids noticed something wasn't right with him.
"Dad, you look tired," was Hansel's observation.
We used that as an opportunity to elude to the fact that PC hadn't been feeling well. Likening it to the kids' recent battles with cold/flu viruses.
"Daddy's not been feeling well, so he's been resting and taking care of himself for a change."
We (I) used this as an opportunity to explain that the mid-week visits with him had yet to be worked out to give Daddy a chance to rest and get better.
They seemed to take the news fine. Appreciative of the fact that they wouldn't have to remember to bring their backpacks/homework/library books/jackets back and forth between two homes. And that their would be consistent rules to follow (at least during the week).
Most importantly, they were happy to know that they would still see Daddy.
I've had many follow-up conversations with them to make sure they continue to be ok.
They've had one visitation weekend with Prince Charming since we told them. This weekend will be their second.
Last night Hansel told me he's happy with the new schedule.
I'll admit that I miss the downtime, but I'm lucky and thankful that I have my shit together and can afford to provide a stable and loving home for them in the midst of their father's own chaotic shifts.
I'm worried for Cinderella, who has to live with it full-time.
She and I have had minimal contact since they moved out last year. When I saw her last week, she seemed ... I don't know... not as joyous and bubbly.
I fear, she's taking on the responsibility of caring for her Dad, and for her brother and sister when they visited two weekends ago. I'm almost certain she has been given little by way of explanation as to what's been going on with him.
I've been wanting to reach out and offer some of my time with her - to talk, hang out - I think that time has come. She might be in need of a little stability right about now too.
Custody changes. Moving to a new castle. Finding my independence. Financial juggling resulting from the aforementioned happenings.
All for the better, but difficult nontheless. My conviction is being tested constantly.
I'm just taking it day by day - and sometimes breath by breath.
But in the words of the infamous Charlie Sheen, I'm "WINNING!"
Prince Charming and I had our conversation with the kids about the custody changes. We decided he needed to come to my house, a place of comfort for them. We told them we both loved them, and that we decided together that it would be in their best interest to not have to switch between our two homes mid-week. We reassured them they would still see Dad on his weekends, and one day mid-week (if possible). Made sure they didn't think I was trying to take them away from their Dad, or that Dad was mad at anyone (this was an especially important point to make to Hansel, due to the dinner/food struggles he encounters at Dad's).
I did most of the talking. PC wasn't fully present. He tried, but even the kids noticed something wasn't right with him.
"Dad, you look tired," was Hansel's observation.
We used that as an opportunity to elude to the fact that PC hadn't been feeling well. Likening it to the kids' recent battles with cold/flu viruses.
"Daddy's not been feeling well, so he's been resting and taking care of himself for a change."
We (I) used this as an opportunity to explain that the mid-week visits with him had yet to be worked out to give Daddy a chance to rest and get better.
They seemed to take the news fine. Appreciative of the fact that they wouldn't have to remember to bring their backpacks/homework/library books/jackets back and forth between two homes. And that their would be consistent rules to follow (at least during the week).
Most importantly, they were happy to know that they would still see Daddy.
I've had many follow-up conversations with them to make sure they continue to be ok.
They've had one visitation weekend with Prince Charming since we told them. This weekend will be their second.
Last night Hansel told me he's happy with the new schedule.
I'll admit that I miss the downtime, but I'm lucky and thankful that I have my shit together and can afford to provide a stable and loving home for them in the midst of their father's own chaotic shifts.
I'm worried for Cinderella, who has to live with it full-time.
She and I have had minimal contact since they moved out last year. When I saw her last week, she seemed ... I don't know... not as joyous and bubbly.
I fear, she's taking on the responsibility of caring for her Dad, and for her brother and sister when they visited two weekends ago. I'm almost certain she has been given little by way of explanation as to what's been going on with him.
I've been wanting to reach out and offer some of my time with her - to talk, hang out - I think that time has come. She might be in need of a little stability right about now too.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Home is...
... where you hang your tire swing.
We're moving. In the midst of custody changes and emotional breakdowns, financial struggles and living paycheck to paycheck - a light at the end of the tunnel has appeared.
A gorgeous home, larger than the one I have rented for the past 6 years and CHEAPER.
Same school district. Closer to Hansel & Gretel's closest buds.
It's perfect in every way.
Judging by the joy on my kids' faces when we go visit the new place, I think they agree with me.
We're moving. In the midst of custody changes and emotional breakdowns, financial struggles and living paycheck to paycheck - a light at the end of the tunnel has appeared.
A gorgeous home, larger than the one I have rented for the past 6 years and CHEAPER.
Same school district. Closer to Hansel & Gretel's closest buds.
It's perfect in every way.
Judging by the joy on my kids' faces when we go visit the new place, I think they agree with me.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Depression Hurts
After two days of radio silence, PrinceCharming calls to tell me he is home.
Home after spending two days in an in-patient psych unit at our local medical center.
After receiving the cryptic texts from him two nights before, I did my own research into the facility.
It's hard core. They don't accept just anyone, and they certainly do not let you check yourself in without good reason.
Good reason, I learn, is defined as I-am-going-to-hurt-myself-if-you-don't-let-me-in.
I make phone calls to the facility to make sure he arrived. They can't tell me. Of course they can't.
There is nothing I can do. This situation is beyond my control, and I realize I must stop trying to control it.
All I can do is focus on that which I can control. My own life. And my kids.
Not knowing how long he will be in, I prepare. His custodial weekend is in four days.
When we spoke, Prince Charming seemed to think he would be out in time to take the kids.
But I decide that even if he is released in time, it's in the kids' best interest that they stay with me.
He will need time to sort things out.
I arrange for weekend child care, as I am scheduled to work.
I silently wish him love and light and go about the business of living my life. Severing the emotional ties that still linger, letting go of the need to be involved and care-take him.
This is his life's path now. Not mine.
I know what depression sounds like. I know what depression looks like.
It hurts. Not just you, but those around you.
It runs in my family. And those long-term readers of my blog may remember my own experience with it years ago.
He needs to figure it out. Needs to learn how to take care of himself for once.
When he did check in with me the morning he was released, PrinceCharming sounded hopeless. Despondent.
He didn't argue when I suggested the kids stay with me for the weekend.
"K," was his only response.
He hasn't seen them in two weeks.
Hansel and Gretel haven't asked where Daddy is. I am grateful for that as I don't know what to tell them. I know it need to be addressed.
I just don't know how.
And PC isn't in any frame of mind to figure this out with me.
What would you tell them?
How do I stop his depression from hurting our kids?
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Paradigm Shift
PrinceCharming has never been the one to talk about feelings. Or share the deepest part of himself with anyone.
He was raised by an mother who was emotionally absent and a father who was physically absent (he worked the night shifts at the Post Office).
This was his upbringing. These were his role models.
And this was, in part, one of the reasons our marriage failed.
(His parents are lovely people, BTW. And there is nothing that they won't do for you. They're always there to lend a hand, babysit for their grand kids or in general help out. They just do so, on a superficial level. This was probably their upbringing as well... and so, the cycle of life continues with their family clan.)
So when the otherwise secretive Prince reaches out, one tends to listen.
"I've been having some challenges."
I find myself back in the familiar role of deciphering his cryptic statements, searching for the hidden meaning, reading between the lines so I can understand what he struggles to tell me.
His texts and phone calls these past week have been riddled with them.
What is apparent is that he's struggling with single-parenthood. Having never had to juggle kids and a career before, he's being faced with the fact that he lacks the basic tools necessary for survival. Reality is hitting him square in the face and he can't hide from it any longer.
After several phone calls, and inquiries into what exactly is going on, decisions have been made, based on what's in the kids' best interest.
Digging my heels in and refusing to take custody for lack of child support is NOT who I am. And was NEVER part of the equation, even if it might have seemed that way to others.
I'm assuming full custody effective immediately so he can work on his "challenges" and be the best Dad he can be. For this week, the kids will be told that Dad has some more job interviews and so they will stay with me again on what are Dad's days (they've been with me on his days for the past three weeks now).
"This is so hard for me to admit, especially since I fought so hard for custody of Cinderella."
The difference, I point out to him, is that he wasn't doing it alone back then. He had me to stay at home and be the parent. Parenthood is hard enough. Single-parenthood is even harder.
"I also need to do something for me. I've been pushing it off for a long time and I don't think I can avoid doing it any longer."
Again, I struggle to read between the lines. Fish for some more details, trying to pull information out of him. He dances around the words, but I know what depression sounds like.
Then I get the texts last night:
HIM: I'm going to be out for a bit. I'll let you know when I get back.
ME: Out?
HIM: Out.
HIM: No phones out.
HIM: I'll be back in touch soon.
I pushed for details, no longer being comfortable with the need for secrecy. No longer willing to accept less than the truth. What if something happens with the kids? What if something happens to him? I should at least know WHERE he will be.
I pushed harder. He gave me no more than one or two word answers. I managed to get him to say where he was going before the texts stopped.
I'm trying to learn from the past, but not get sucked back into the place of mistrust.
It's difficult though, to trust someone with whom I put so much blind faith in for so many years only to have the rug pulled out from under me.
I'm hoping I will hear from him soon. Hoping he is where he says he is.
This weekend is his custodial weekend.
For now, all I can do is wait.
He was raised by an mother who was emotionally absent and a father who was physically absent (he worked the night shifts at the Post Office).
This was his upbringing. These were his role models.
And this was, in part, one of the reasons our marriage failed.
(His parents are lovely people, BTW. And there is nothing that they won't do for you. They're always there to lend a hand, babysit for their grand kids or in general help out. They just do so, on a superficial level. This was probably their upbringing as well... and so, the cycle of life continues with their family clan.)
So when the otherwise secretive Prince reaches out, one tends to listen.
"I've been having some challenges."
I find myself back in the familiar role of deciphering his cryptic statements, searching for the hidden meaning, reading between the lines so I can understand what he struggles to tell me.
His texts and phone calls these past week have been riddled with them.
What is apparent is that he's struggling with single-parenthood. Having never had to juggle kids and a career before, he's being faced with the fact that he lacks the basic tools necessary for survival. Reality is hitting him square in the face and he can't hide from it any longer.
After several phone calls, and inquiries into what exactly is going on, decisions have been made, based on what's in the kids' best interest.
Digging my heels in and refusing to take custody for lack of child support is NOT who I am. And was NEVER part of the equation, even if it might have seemed that way to others.
I'm assuming full custody effective immediately so he can work on his "challenges" and be the best Dad he can be. For this week, the kids will be told that Dad has some more job interviews and so they will stay with me again on what are Dad's days (they've been with me on his days for the past three weeks now).
"This is so hard for me to admit, especially since I fought so hard for custody of Cinderella."
The difference, I point out to him, is that he wasn't doing it alone back then. He had me to stay at home and be the parent. Parenthood is hard enough. Single-parenthood is even harder.
"I also need to do something for me. I've been pushing it off for a long time and I don't think I can avoid doing it any longer."
Again, I struggle to read between the lines. Fish for some more details, trying to pull information out of him. He dances around the words, but I know what depression sounds like.
Then I get the texts last night:
HIM: I'm going to be out for a bit. I'll let you know when I get back.
ME: Out?
HIM: Out.
HIM: No phones out.
HIM: I'll be back in touch soon.
I pushed for details, no longer being comfortable with the need for secrecy. No longer willing to accept less than the truth. What if something happens with the kids? What if something happens to him? I should at least know WHERE he will be.
I pushed harder. He gave me no more than one or two word answers. I managed to get him to say where he was going before the texts stopped.
I'm trying to learn from the past, but not get sucked back into the place of mistrust.
It's difficult though, to trust someone with whom I put so much blind faith in for so many years only to have the rug pulled out from under me.
I'm hoping I will hear from him soon. Hoping he is where he says he is.
This weekend is his custodial weekend.
For now, all I can do is wait.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
[Insert Snarky Title Here]
HIM [via text]: What is the plan for the kids going forward?
ME: I have no idea you are asking.
HIM: At this juncture, I don't think that I will be able to get / hold a job while trying to manage the kids during the week.
***
(Background Reminder: We currently have joint/shared custody. The kids spend Mon-Wed AM at my house; Wed PM-Fri at his house. We alternate weekends. I work when they are at their Dad's and/or when The Magic Mirror can watch them for me. PrinceCharming has them in FREE afterschool care when they are with him Wed-Fri so he can, in theory, work.)
Discuss.
ME: I have no idea you are asking.
HIM: At this juncture, I don't think that I will be able to get / hold a job while trying to manage the kids during the week.
***
(Background Reminder: We currently have joint/shared custody. The kids spend Mon-Wed AM at my house; Wed PM-Fri at his house. We alternate weekends. I work when they are at their Dad's and/or when The Magic Mirror can watch them for me. PrinceCharming has them in FREE afterschool care when they are with him Wed-Fri so he can, in theory, work.)
Discuss.
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