There's a Fine Line Between Fairytales and Nightmares...

... and thanks to Maleficent, we are being reminded of that. Again.
What's happening now?
What's happening is that Cinderella's friend narc'd on her after a DARE event at school. Concerned over the fact that C had been "scratching" herself, she sought help in the Guidance Office.
Cinderella was called in and promptly broke down into tears in front of her Guidance Counselor and Social Worker. She told them her tale of woe being a child of divorce.
There is nothing unique about her story.
Parents divorce. And oftentimes they don't handle it well, focusing on their own problems and losses (especially when mental illness plays such a major role).
Kids get caught in the middle. Blame themselves, grieve and try to keep the peace by internalizing EVERYTHING.
Sooner or later all of that stress has to come out.
It's starting to come out now in Cinderella and an observant friend took note.
She scratched her arm in frustration. It's no big deal now, but we know it could turn into something worse.
It's been three years since the Maleficent lost custody.
Three years since PrinceCharing was advised by the law guardian to violate the shit out of her when she crossed the line (which we ALL knew she would do).
And she has. Yet instead of adding fuel to her bipolar-fanned fires, we looked the other way and offered compromises.
Well, Cinderella's well-being is now compromised.
The Law Guardian has been called.
Maleficent has NOT been called. Yet.
We are trying to buy Cinderella a little bit of calm before the shit-storm. If her Mom gets tipped off, it will only spell doom for her and this kid has been through enough.
In the meantime, we're looking for a therapist for Cinderella all-the-while reassuring her that we will do our best to make things better and protect her from continued distress. (Which is a double-edged sword because she is worried that our attempts to make things better will make things worse. And that very-well may be the case.)
PrinceCharming is back to compiling details and facts, taking notes and saving EVERY email. Planning his next steps which will include filing paperwork and going back to court.

And I'm remembering to breathe through it all.

When BioMom Asks You To Lie (The Resolution)

Lucky for us, this situation (which took place three weeks ago) resolved itself within 24 hours.
After her Friday night phone call with Cinderella, Prince Charming spoke with Maleficent and convinced her it was better to tell their daughter about the surgery because what upsets her more than anything is KNOWING when he is not being told the whole truth.
The next day was Saturday. The day of Cinderella's school play.
She had two performances that day. Prince Charming wanted to bring Cinderella to see Maleficent during the break in between performances. Cinderella needed to see her Mom to know that she *really* was ok. Maleficent agreed.
Cinderella made her Mom a get well card Friday night and asked her Dad and I to sign it. We did.
Prince Charming picked up a bouquet of flowers for Cinderella to give to her Mom.
Their visit that Saturday was brief but gave Cinderella the chance to see that her Mom would be ok and gave Maleficent the chance to tell Cinderella the truth.
Cinderella handled it well and wound up spending the night with her Mom after her final performance that Saturday night.
We were relieved. More importantly so was Cinderella.

When BioMom Asks You To Lie (Part II)

Since we could not get a hold of Maleficent and speak with her directly (Prince Charming did reach her faithful companion, Diablo, who told him it was a ruptured ovarian cyst that required surgery and Maleficent was currently in the recovery room) I told Cinderella that her Mom wasn't coming due to a combination of the icy roads and her not feeling well.
Cinderella was crushed.
Instantly she began to stress...
Will she come and get me tomorrow? Who is taking me to my play tomorrow? Will Mommy be there for the performances?
I did my best to play it down as no big deal, and even joked with her about stressing too much, and that she can ask all of this when her Mom calls later on.
Maleficent did call that evening and told Cinderella she was, in fact in the hospital.
*whew!*
THANK GAWD!
We now understood that Maleficent wanted to be the one to tell her.
Prince Charming and I were relieved and proud of Maleficent for having faith that Cinderella could handle the news.

***

Later on, I tried talking with Cinderella about the situation. I wanted to make sure she understood what had happened and wanted to reassure her in case she had any questions.
I was sure she must be a little worried and scared over the thought of her Mom having surgery.
I also thought she might be confused over the procedure.
Oh, no. I understand what happened to Mommy. She had a cyst on her hip, like the one she gets on her wrist and her doctor sent her to the hospital for testing. It's not like she had surgery or anything.

Umm... WHAT?!
I thought SURELY she misunderstood what her Mom had told her. But then I quickly realized that Maleficent had LIED to Cinderella. I caught myself just before I corrected her.
So we were back to square one. Having to keep a new lie.
I said nothing. I simply smiled and walked away.
Maleficent was to be in the hospital for the remainder of the weekend. She would not be able to take Cinderella for the weekend OR see the play.
How were we going to explain THAT?

When BioMom Asks You To Lie

It's Friday.
Opening night for Cinderella's play.
It's Maleficent's visitation weekend, so she is to be here at 5pm to pick up Cinderella and bring her to the school early for hair and make-up.

6am: We get the call informing us that school's been closed on account of freezing rain.

7am: I get the email telling me the play has also been canceled.

A flurry of emails ensue throughout the day from her Drama teacher updating the parents on how this impacts the remaining performances.
Maleficent is not on the distribution list so I forward each one to ensure she is equally informed, especially since the responsibility of picking up and dropping off in between performances falls on her.
Around lunchtime Cinderella calls her Mom to confirm she knows the play has been canceled and that she is still coming at 5pm for their regular visitation.
Maleficent does not pick up. Cinderella leaves messages on her cell and home numbers and continues to stress throughout the day because that's what she does. She needs constant reassurance for even the most routine of events.

3pm: Maleficent leaves a cryptic message on our voicemail:

I won't be able to take Cinderella to her play tonight. I'm in the hospital. But don't tell her that. Just tell her I'm not feeling well and that I love her.

She is audibly distressed. She's been crying.
She has no idea school's been cancelled. No idea the play is not happening tonight.
I start to worry. I know she has been having medical problems for the past year, but the details are fuzzy. Maleficent hasn't exactly been very forthcoming, so most of what we "know" comes from Cinderella's offhand comments and show of concern for her Mom.
How the hell am I going to explain to her that her Mom is not coming without being bombarded with a flurry of questions about the rest of the weekend? This is her visitation weekend with her Mom. Will she see her at all?
Cinderella is naturally inquisitive and obsesses over her pick ups and drop offs. She is not going to accept this.
I can't accept it either. She is eleven years old. Old enough to know the truth. She deserves it.
(Never mind that in my head I am imagining the worst case scenario and wondering if we could live with ourselves should something terrible happen and Cinderella not be given the chance to see her Mom in the hospital.)
It takes me an hour to get a hold of Prince Charming to find out if he knows any more so we can decide what and how to tell Cinderella.
The message from Maleficent on his voice mail mentions that she may need surgery.
SURGERY!!!!!!
And, again, she asked that we NOT to tell Cinderella.
It's now one hour before Maleficent is supposed to be here.
The Prince and I go back and forth on what to do.
Do we tell her?
Or do we honor her mother's request?
***

What would YOU do?

Custody & Visitation: Into the Ether

He wrote:

Maleficent –

Our current method of “communicating” is just not working. Ignoring my phone calls and not responding to my emails or voice mails is not doing either of us, or Cinderella, any good.

We need to talk. Please, let’s not go back to the way things were. Not after we’ve worked so hard over the last year and half to move beyond the past. I will make myself available ... so we can resolve this issue.

- Prince Charming

She responded:

There really hasn't been anything to communicate about but the emails work great. Thanks.

Cinderella then came home from visiting with her Mom and said:

Mommy looked at my throat and said it looks really bad.
Mommy thinks I may have strep.
Mommy said I am immune to amoxicillin.
Mommy said I should tell the doctor that I am immune to amoxicillin.
Mommy said augmentin will keep me from having my tonsils taken out.
Mommy said I might have allergies.
Mommy said I should be tested for allergies.

For someone who has nothing to communicate about, Maleficent sure has a lot to say.

Custody & Visitation: Communication Break Down

It's always the same...

Maleficent continues to maintain radio silence.

Citing that Prince Charming's telephone conversations with her are "disruptive in my home and to my health." Dictating that their communications are to now take place via email only.

She refuses to answer or return phone calls. They don't work for Her, she says.

Perhaps it's too much Reality for her fragile Psyche to handle. She can't escape to her distorted view of reality when engaged in an actual conversation with her Daughter's custodian.

She's hiding behind her Role of The Victim. Escaping reality through Active Avoidance. And in so doing stripping Prince Charming of any and all Authority.

She's not answering his emails either.

Maleficent will send an email when she has something to say. When she wants extra time with Cinderella. When she feels the need to remind Prince Charming of an impending deadline to choose summer vacation weeks so she can then pick her vacation time.

ONLY when She has something to say.

Otherwise, Prince Charming's missives get lost in the ether. Questions, unanswered. Concerns, dismissed. Pleas to work things out, ignored.

He's having one-sided conversations.

It's as if He only exists in her World when and IF She allows it.

I'm tempted to yell. To pick up the phone and scream some sense into her. It's frustrating. Stupid. Childish. And mostly a waste of effort and energy.

Custody Issues: Parental Authority

Hi, it's Malificent. Sorry to be a pain but I wanted to call to let you know I wanted to pick Cinderella up at 7am tomorrow since the roads are going to be really bad later on the day.

Malificent was concerned over how the pending snow storm would affect road conditions for her regular visitation pick up time of 4pm.
Prince Charming was away on a business trip so She was vying for some authority in his abscence. Trying to dictate a change in visitation without seeking His approval. Thinking I would have no choice but to allow it to happen.
I give her the same response I have given her each and every time she has tried to usurp his authority...

I'm going to have to call Prince Charming and let him know since this is not my decision.

[stunned silence]

Oh, well he's going to have to be reasonable... I mean, I deserve to see my kid!

I understand that. But you also have to understand that it's not my decision to make. I'm not THE parent. I'm not her parent.

She doesn't like being reminded of the Truth. The truth being that she was stripped of all Parental Rights and Authority in a court of law. And that even in my husband's absence she still does not have the authority to tell me Squat.
She doesn't like being reminded of any of it. That her actions cost her Custody of her Daughter. And in many ways her Dignity as a Parent.
At this moment I don't care. I resent being forced into having this conversation with her. I suck at confrontations and continue to be fearful of saying something that might piss her off.
(But oh how I wish I could lay into her just once!)
At the same time I enjoy having the opportunity to respectifully throw her words back at her.
I'm. Not. Cinderella's. Parent.
It's. Not. My. Decision.
Had I been better prepared for Her call I would have been more eloquent. Instead of tripping over my own words as I tried to explain to her why I could neither agree nor approve any change in the visitation schedule. She offered to call Prince Charming herself to ask his permission discuss it. I agreed that was a good choice since that's what she should have done in the first place.

Should I call you back after we speak?

Nah. He will call to let me know what was decided.

(Yep. That pissed her off too.)

Sadly, I cannot take her word for anything. I cannot trust her to have a firm enough grasp on reality and relay the actual details of what Prince Charming and She discuss. The woman lives in her own altered reality. She is happy there.
Prince Charming calls me moments later in a Fury.
Fury being fueled by frustration.
He knows that no matter what he says Malificent is going to do whatever she wants. She has no respect for him as the custodial parent.
If he leaves it for me to decide whether the roads are safe for travel, She is going to resent having to take my word as final. And I am not comfortable being placed in that position.
(Did I mention that I don't like confrontation?)
He is not Home to make this judgement for himself.
His hands are tied and so he gives his consent to picking up Cinderella early to avoid the snow and hopes that Malificent will exercise her own good judgement.
Luckily the roads were fine that morning. So it worked out fine. Cinderella was able to get a little extra time with her Mom. Which is good for Her.

Old habits die hard.
Malificent still siezes every opportunity to regain what she has lost.
Prince Charming is trying to find a balance between respectfully establishing his authority while setting boundaries and keeping the Peace.
And Cinderella sits at the Center of it all.