Last week's dread was yet another waste of my energy.
Visitation pick up time came and went. Maleficent did not come to the house. Did not call.
There was no confrontation.
Nothing.
Prince Charming had taken care of letting her know Cinderella would be at drama rehearsals so was to be picked up at school instead of home.
Of course I had to scold him a bit.
"It would have been nice if you told me that so I didn't spend half of the day worrying."
Of course I also realize that's not his problem.
It's mine.
And I did say that I needed to step back and NOT be involved so he was only abiding by my wishes.
He reassured me by saying Maleficent responded to say she already had the schedule and so she knew where and when to pick up Cinderella during her visitation days.
(Kudos to her for getting the info herself even if it did mean harassing Cindy's drama teacher in email. At least it wasn't ME.)
I spent the rest of the week trying NOT to think about custody, visitation or pending court dates (no, a date has NOT been set and no one has been notified).
I was able to enjoy time with the kids and my family ... for the MOST part.
Old habits die hard. I have spent the last ten years playing this game of chess where I try to anticipate Maleficent's next move and do everything I can to launch preemptive strikes.
It's difficult to change my mind set. But I am trying.
And am having small successes.
For example...
Cinderella's rehearsal schedule has been updated. She came home with a new schedule last Thursday but FORGOT to grab an extra copy for Maleficent.
AND... I did NOT rush to transcribe anything and email it to her, as I have been doing for the last year.
HOORAH! for me!!!!!
When Cinderella came home from her visitation she told me how Maleficent was "up her butt" all weekend about getting HER a new copy of the schedule and not to forget to call her Tuesday (yesterday) to let her know what her schedule was for Wednesday (today).
The poor kid was stressed and a little perturbed at her Mom for hounding her.
AND... I did NOT rush to transcribe anything or try to FIX anything!!!!
I let Cindy talk. I listened, empathized and then we MOVED ON to another subject.
Of course she forgot to grab her Mom a new schedule after yesterday's rehearsal and was stressing about it last night.
Mommy's going to be so mad.
I gave her the same advice I (and my thoughtful readers) have given myself:
"It's not your job to keep your Mother informed of that stuff. She is a grown-up and can take care of herself. She knows that she can call and get that information if she wants."
Yeah but she will never call you. Once she makes up her mind about someone she will NEVER change it no matter what you do or how nice you are.
"Then that's her choice. We can't worry about that. Mom will figure out where you are one way or another. Don't worry about it."
I do not know if Maleficent will come to our home today to pick up Cinderella.
And right now I do not care.
I am not worried.
I will not hide. I will not avoid the phone. I am a grown up and can handle a simple conversation which requires nothing more than a statement of facts:
"Hi. Cinderella is at rehearsals until 5:30. You can pick her up at the school. Thanks. Bye."
I will also BE AT rehearsals tonight (ONLY because my help is needed). So if Maleficent does NOT show up, Cinderella will not be stranded and she will have ME to bring her home.
Maybe between the two of us, we can create enough a support system to keep Maleficent's poison from seeping into our home.
Showing posts with label challenges. Show all posts
Showing posts with label challenges. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Communication Roadblock
Cinderella comes home with a note last night from school.
She has a MANDATORY choral concert next Monday. It counts as a test grade for her class.
Mondays are Maleficent's visitation days, so the onus will be on her to take Cinderella.
With her recent claims of health issues and excuses of not being able to drive her daughter anywhere, we are concerned over Maleficent's ability to come through.
(Maleficent bailed out on bringing Cindy to drama rehearsals last week.)
Prince Charming tries calling Maleficent to give her the courtesy of as much of a heads up as possible.
Diablo answers the phone. He has taken to running interference, going so far as to call the house for Maleficent when she wants to talk to Cinderella and answering the phone whenever Cinderella calls there... just in case.
Diablo refuses to give the phone to Maleficent, instructs Prince Charming to communicate in email and tells him "I pay the phone bill here, so don't call again."
The rest of the call was a blur, but it ended badly. Threats were made, names were called, Diablo hung up.
Prince Charming regrettably allowed Diablo to pull him down to his level.
Diablo is trying to protect his lady love. I get that.
But he has no business putting himself in the middle of a pre-existing court order designed to facilitate ongoing communication between Cinderella's parents.
They have enough trouble on their own, they don't need a macho bully fanning the fires.
She has a MANDATORY choral concert next Monday. It counts as a test grade for her class.
Mondays are Maleficent's visitation days, so the onus will be on her to take Cinderella.
With her recent claims of health issues and excuses of not being able to drive her daughter anywhere, we are concerned over Maleficent's ability to come through.
(Maleficent bailed out on bringing Cindy to drama rehearsals last week.)
Prince Charming tries calling Maleficent to give her the courtesy of as much of a heads up as possible.
Diablo answers the phone. He has taken to running interference, going so far as to call the house for Maleficent when she wants to talk to Cinderella and answering the phone whenever Cinderella calls there... just in case.
Diablo refuses to give the phone to Maleficent, instructs Prince Charming to communicate in email and tells him "I pay the phone bill here, so don't call again."
The rest of the call was a blur, but it ended badly. Threats were made, names were called, Diablo hung up.
Prince Charming regrettably allowed Diablo to pull him down to his level.
Diablo is trying to protect his lady love. I get that.
But he has no business putting himself in the middle of a pre-existing court order designed to facilitate ongoing communication between Cinderella's parents.
They have enough trouble on their own, they don't need a macho bully fanning the fires.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Here We Go Again
I don't know where to begin.
It's been five months in the making.
Five months since we found out Cinderella has three...THREE!!!!!... cavities.
Five months since we ponied up $400 for the dentist appointment that told us she had THREE cavities.
Five months since being told, AFTER we bent over and let the dentist stick it to us for $400, that Maleficent WOULD NOT BE PAYING her half of that bill.
Oh I'm sick and not working and can't afford it.
(Gee, ya think she would have mentioned that for the MONTHS leading up to that appointment?)
For five months Maleficent has been crying poverty, and unilaterally saying that she won't be able to pay her COURT ORDERED share of Cinderella's dental bill.
And yet for the same five months she has come up with a magical solution where she CAN pay another dentist to have said cavities filled.
She CAN work out a payment plan to pay this dentist.
Her dentist. Cinderella's OLD dentist.
But she CAN'T figure out a payment plan for PrinceCharming.
(Which could have worked out to $50 a month and would be payed off BY NOW.)
And she WON'T accept our saying that we CAN'T afford to absorb her half of the prior bill and that we were counting on that so that we CAN move forward and have Cinderella's cavities filled.
Instead she spent this time instilling fear into Cinderella with constant talks of how she will need root canal if her cavities are not filled and so she needs to tell her Dad and I that her TEETH HURT even though they don't but DO IT SO THEY CAN MAKE AN APPOINTMENT FOR YOU!!!!!!
The child was in tears as she confessed her Mom's covert op to us.
(We're so proud of her, BTW, for choosing NOT to lie to us about her teeth hurting just because her Mom told her to.)
So... now... we are back to one-sided communication.
Her refusing to answer or return calls.
Feigning illness as an excuse to return to email only communication.
Yet she is well enough to leave a threatening voice mail on Prince Charming's voice mail.
And now... tonight... an email threatening to violate him in court if a dentist appointment is not made by this Wednesday.
Shit-stirring bitch. She's at it again.
I am not sure I have the strength to another round.
It's been five months in the making.
Five months since we found out Cinderella has three...THREE!!!!!... cavities.
Five months since we ponied up $400 for the dentist appointment that told us she had THREE cavities.
Five months since being told, AFTER we bent over and let the dentist stick it to us for $400, that Maleficent WOULD NOT BE PAYING her half of that bill.
Oh I'm sick and not working and can't afford it.
(Gee, ya think she would have mentioned that for the MONTHS leading up to that appointment?)
For five months Maleficent has been crying poverty, and unilaterally saying that she won't be able to pay her COURT ORDERED share of Cinderella's dental bill.
And yet for the same five months she has come up with a magical solution where she CAN pay another dentist to have said cavities filled.
She CAN work out a payment plan to pay this dentist.
Her dentist. Cinderella's OLD dentist.
But she CAN'T figure out a payment plan for PrinceCharming.
(Which could have worked out to $50 a month and would be payed off BY NOW.)
And she WON'T accept our saying that we CAN'T afford to absorb her half of the prior bill and that we were counting on that so that we CAN move forward and have Cinderella's cavities filled.
Instead she spent this time instilling fear into Cinderella with constant talks of how she will need root canal if her cavities are not filled and so she needs to tell her Dad and I that her TEETH HURT even though they don't but DO IT SO THEY CAN MAKE AN APPOINTMENT FOR YOU!!!!!!
The child was in tears as she confessed her Mom's covert op to us.
(We're so proud of her, BTW, for choosing NOT to lie to us about her teeth hurting just because her Mom told her to.)
So... now... we are back to one-sided communication.
Her refusing to answer or return calls.
Feigning illness as an excuse to return to email only communication.
Yet she is well enough to leave a threatening voice mail on Prince Charming's voice mail.
And now... tonight... an email threatening to violate him in court if a dentist appointment is not made by this Wednesday.
Shit-stirring bitch. She's at it again.
I am not sure I have the strength to another round.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Parenting Tip: Mind Your KEYS and Q's
(*Updated to add photo below.)
Never leave your car keys in the ignition, even if you are parked in a friend's driveway;
Never leave your car keys in the ignition, even if you are parked in a friend's driveway;
But... if you DO leave your keys in the ignition while parked in a friend's driveway, NEVER let your toddler escape from your clutches and jump into the DRIVER'S SEAT while you are rushing to get home because HOLY FUCKITY FUCK your brother's school bus is coming in LESS THAN an hour and we are at least 40 minutes away from home!!!!!;
But... if your toddler DOES escape from your clutches while the keys are in your car's ignition, ALWAYS make sure your car doors are UNlocked before you retrieve the little shit button-pushing-escape-artist and strap her back into her car seat and then CLOSE.THE.DOOR thereby LOCKING said toddler in your car;
(BONUS PARENTHETICAL TIP: It would also be helpful if you plot the sun's path ahead of time so you can make sure your car is NOT parked in the BLAZING SUN in off chance that you DO to lock your toddler in your car with the keys in the ignition 45 minutes before you are supposed to be home for the school bus;)
And... if you DO lock your toddler in the car (in the BLAZING SUN) with the keys in the ignition, do not ALSO lock your cell phone in with her because you will need it to make frantic phone calls to ALL of your neighbors as you desperately try to find someone to retrieve your kindergartener off the school bus;
AND... if you DO lock your toddler AND your cell phone in your car, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY do NOT lock your camera in with them because teh internetz will need pictures to go along with your blog post!!;
AND!!!!... if you DO lock your toddler and cell phone and camera in your car remember to be gracious and thank the nice police officers who were subjected to the repeated phone calls from your panicked BFF pleading that they "PLEAAAASSEEE HURRY UP IT'S HOT IN THE CAR!!!!!";
(Even if they DID drive right past her block with their lights and sirens blaring as if to torment you just a *little* bit longer for being such a moron as to lock your toddler in your car with the keys in the ignition;)
(And ESPECIALLY EVEN if one of them flashes you a look of condescension that spoke volumes as to what he really thought of your stellar parenting skillz.)
Thank you officers.
My sweaty, heat-flushed toddler thanks you.
I was locked in my Mom's car and all she got was this stupid AFTER-photo.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Progress Report: Operation VEGGIES
I've successfully been able to sneak veggies into the following dishes without them being detected by the kids' oh-so-refined palettes:
Hot Cocoa (w/ sweet potatoes)
French Toast (w/ sweet potatoes)
Pizza Sauce (w/ spinach)
Rice Balls (w/ sweet potatoes)
Quesadillas (w/ white beans and butternut squash)
I taste-test everything before serving it so I can adjust the amount of pureed veggies I add.
The addition of the pureed spinach to the tomato sauce definitely changed the color. Looks like total newborn baby shit. So that night, I did not let the kids make their own pizzas. :)
(Night #2 of make-your-own-pizzas with spinach-laden-baby-shit sauce. I *did* let he kids make them and GUESS WHAT????????? Hansel would not eat it. Bah!)
Otherwise, myevil plot mission of poisoning feeding my unsuspecting family vile healthy foods is working. MWAHAHAHAHA!
Hot Cocoa (w/ sweet potatoes)
French Toast (w/ sweet potatoes)
Pizza Sauce (w/ spinach)
Rice Balls (w/ sweet potatoes)
Quesadillas (w/ white beans and butternut squash)
I taste-test everything before serving it so I can adjust the amount of pureed veggies I add.
The addition of the pureed spinach to the tomato sauce definitely changed the color. Looks like total newborn baby shit. So that night, I did not let the kids make their own pizzas. :)
(Night #2 of make-your-own-pizzas with spinach-laden-baby-shit sauce. I *did* let he kids make them and GUESS WHAT????????? Hansel would not eat it. Bah!)
Otherwise, my
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Custody & Visitation: Time ... and AGAIN.
It's 30 minutes until Cinderella is due home from her visitation with Maleficent.
Predictably, the phone rings. She is going to be late. AGAIN.
Now before you get all hoity-toity accusing me of being petty and how there are worse things that can happen so don't sweat the small stuff and pick your battles kind of schpeil...
I KNOW.
You're right. You're right.
I know you're right.
And yes, part of my anger comes out of my need for control. Order. Structure. Predictability.
But it's also not about that. Not about the 15 minutes here and 10 minutes there.
It's about the lack of respect and consideration.
It's about Maleficent's chronic disregard for anybody else's time other than her own.
The belief that SHE is more worthy and more deserving of time with Cinderella.
I am angry.
Angry at her passive aggressive way of sticking it to Prince Charming by denying him a few extra minutes with Cinderella because after all he "gets to live with her."
Angry that while Cinderella does live with us she does NOT see all that much of Prince Charming so his time with her is precious. And fleeting.
Angry that Cinderella's coming home late disrupts Hansel's bedtime. He misses his Big Sister when she is not at home.
Mommy, where is Cinderella? he asks FIRST THING every morning during her visitation weekends with Maleficent.
By her coming home late he misses seeing her or (as is most often the case) winds up going to sleep later b/c he waits up in his bed for her.
And I'm angry for Cinderella. That in her desire to spite Prince Charming Maleficent is also spiting her own daughter.
Denying Cinderella time with the Family she is away from and has admitted to missing when she visits her mom.
Interrupting her night time routine that prepares her for the next day. Shower, lunch are now rushed.
There is no time for down-time. She's got to go-go-go as soon as she walks in the door and before you know it it's bedtime.
***
I wrote this post months ago, after months of dealing with Maleficent's spiteful behavior. Many emails were sent. And ignored.
Phone calls were made. And not returned.
Finally, the legal guardian decided to get up off her ASS and SEND the long-promised letter reminding Maleficent of the terms of her visitation and that the continued latenesses are being considered as deliberate violations and that she WILL find herself back in court if they continue.
Since then, communication has been slightly better. Maleficent has been more timely when picking up and dropping off.
(She even wished me a Happy Birthday on the phone last week.)
Yes, I'm all-too-familiar with this dance having gone 'round the custody dance floor just a few times with this woman.
I'm trying not to anticipate having our toes stepped on AGAIN.
Predictably, the phone rings. She is going to be late. AGAIN.
Now before you get all hoity-toity accusing me of being petty and how there are worse things that can happen so don't sweat the small stuff and pick your battles kind of schpeil...
I KNOW.
You're right. You're right.
I know you're right.
And yes, part of my anger comes out of my need for control. Order. Structure. Predictability.
But it's also not about that. Not about the 15 minutes here and 10 minutes there.
It's about the lack of respect and consideration.
It's about Maleficent's chronic disregard for anybody else's time other than her own.
The belief that SHE is more worthy and more deserving of time with Cinderella.
I am angry.
Angry at her passive aggressive way of sticking it to Prince Charming by denying him a few extra minutes with Cinderella because after all he "gets to live with her."
Angry that while Cinderella does live with us she does NOT see all that much of Prince Charming so his time with her is precious. And fleeting.
Angry that Cinderella's coming home late disrupts Hansel's bedtime. He misses his Big Sister when she is not at home.
Mommy, where is Cinderella? he asks FIRST THING every morning during her visitation weekends with Maleficent.
By her coming home late he misses seeing her or (as is most often the case) winds up going to sleep later b/c he waits up in his bed for her.
And I'm angry for Cinderella. That in her desire to spite Prince Charming Maleficent is also spiting her own daughter.
Denying Cinderella time with the Family she is away from and has admitted to missing when she visits her mom.
Interrupting her night time routine that prepares her for the next day. Shower, lunch are now rushed.
There is no time for down-time. She's got to go-go-go as soon as she walks in the door and before you know it it's bedtime.
***
I wrote this post months ago, after months of dealing with Maleficent's spiteful behavior. Many emails were sent. And ignored.
Phone calls were made. And not returned.
Finally, the legal guardian decided to get up off her ASS and SEND the long-promised letter reminding Maleficent of the terms of her visitation and that the continued latenesses are being considered as deliberate violations and that she WILL find herself back in court if they continue.
Since then, communication has been slightly better. Maleficent has been more timely when picking up and dropping off.
(She even wished me a Happy Birthday on the phone last week.)
Yes, I'm all-too-familiar with this dance having gone 'round the custody dance floor just a few times with this woman.
I'm trying not to anticipate having our toes stepped on AGAIN.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Stepmom to Stepmom: A Call for Support
A reader and stepmom-to-be, K10ish, needs some advice and support.
She writes: "I think I may be at my 'step mom to be' limit. Who do we talk to?"
The following poem of hers is thoughtful, insightful, and touched deep into the heart of my own struggles as a Stepmom, as I'm sure it will for some of you. Please help K10ish know that she is not alone. Leave your comments here or on her lovely blog: Hindsight, Relationships and Looking Inside Me.
The Sub
In the shadow
never THE mom
or THE dad
just the substitute.
Love like they are your own
honest and pure
You are not their own
They have their own.
On the bench.
That's where you sit
You are not the first string.
It's OK for a while, it's not a competition.
It's your heart.
Your love.
This is your ready made family.
And it's not yours.
It's theirs. Their Mom. Their Dad.
But divorced.
Extra wheel.
That's you. That's me.
You only need an extra wheel
When the others aren't good.
But just for a little while.
You are easily replaced.
You are not one of them.
Can anyone see this but me?
Who do you talk to?
How do you discuss your pain?
What do you do with your hurt?
When they all stand together in one place
it's random, a birthday party, a school conference
where do you stand.
Alone.
She writes: "I think I may be at my 'step mom to be' limit. Who do we talk to?"
The following poem of hers is thoughtful, insightful, and touched deep into the heart of my own struggles as a Stepmom, as I'm sure it will for some of you. Please help K10ish know that she is not alone. Leave your comments here or on her lovely blog: Hindsight, Relationships and Looking Inside Me.
The Sub
In the shadow
never THE mom
or THE dad
just the substitute.
Love like they are your own
honest and pure
You are not their own
They have their own.
On the bench.
That's where you sit
You are not the first string.
It's OK for a while, it's not a competition.
It's your heart.
Your love.
This is your ready made family.
And it's not yours.
It's theirs. Their Mom. Their Dad.
But divorced.
Extra wheel.
That's you. That's me.
You only need an extra wheel
When the others aren't good.
But just for a little while.
You are easily replaced.
You are not one of them.
Can anyone see this but me?
Who do you talk to?
How do you discuss your pain?
What do you do with your hurt?
When they all stand together in one place
it's random, a birthday party, a school conference
where do you stand.
Alone.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Parenting Help: What Do You Do...
... when your 11 y/o is caught sneaking treats into her backpack (while under "punishment" of no special treats after blowing through $20 in lunch money) and proceeds to tell you that she does not like being punished and likes special things & treats and will basically ignore you and do whatever she wants to get them when no one is looking?
(She sounded EXACTLY like Maleficent when she proclaimed that. We're scared shitless that she's turning into her Mother.)
Consequences lose their effectiveness if a child refuses to acknowledge or accept them.
What's a parent to do?
Put all sweets under lock and key?
Throw them all away so the entire family suffers?
Watch said child like a hawk and never leave her alone in a room?
Helpful advice is welcome.
(She sounded EXACTLY like Maleficent when she proclaimed that. We're scared shitless that she's turning into her Mother.)
Consequences lose their effectiveness if a child refuses to acknowledge or accept them.
What's a parent to do?
Put all sweets under lock and key?
Throw them all away so the entire family suffers?
Watch said child like a hawk and never leave her alone in a room?
Helpful advice is welcome.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Vindication
I talked to Mommy tonight.
Cinderella promised she would set the record straight with her Mom regarding this recent discovery. A discovery that reiterated the need for therapeutic intervention for Cinderella who continues to be barraged and influenced and confused by Maleficent's trash-talk. Her diarrhea of the mouth creates a struggle of conflicting emotions within Cinderella. Deep down she knows her mother is wrong. But on the surface she wants so desperately to keep her on that HERO pedestal to which our kids raise us.
A Bioparent's hold over our children is strong. We should use our superpowers for good and not evil.
It'd be too easy for me to condition Hansel to despise Maleficent. TOO EASY.
She's already done most of the work for me.
(Instead I do everything in my power to prevent that. I'd even go so far as threaten punishment if I should ever hear Hansel utter the words "I don't like Maleficent" again because YES he did say that and YES I agreed with him COM-PLETE-LY but I do not want my son feeling - let alone EXPRESSING - that sentiment about his Sister's mother.)
My feelings towards Maleficent are MINE. Not Hansel's.
Maleficent's feelings towards me should not be forced upon Cinderella.
Cinderella struggles to retain her own emotional independence and to speak up for herself.
But it's hard. Mommy told me I should never question her.
We've been trying to help her find the courage.
This night was a huge step for her.
I haven't talked to Mommy before tonight because I didn't want to do it over the phone. I wanted to be face-to-face so I could really explain things to her and know that she heard me.
I told her that I didn't tell her the entire truth about the time I thought you called me the "B" word. And about when I told her that you guys yell at me for no reason.
And I asked her to stop speaking bad about you because it hurts my feelings and I know it hurts your feelings to.
The things she said and how she said them caught me by complete surprise. Not only did she stand up for herself, but she also stood up for ME.
"Wow, Babe. Thank You."
Wow, indeed.
Like I said. HUGE step.
Cinderella promised she would set the record straight with her Mom regarding this recent discovery. A discovery that reiterated the need for therapeutic intervention for Cinderella who continues to be barraged and influenced and confused by Maleficent's trash-talk. Her diarrhea of the mouth creates a struggle of conflicting emotions within Cinderella. Deep down she knows her mother is wrong. But on the surface she wants so desperately to keep her on that HERO pedestal to which our kids raise us.
A Bioparent's hold over our children is strong. We should use our superpowers for good and not evil.
It'd be too easy for me to condition Hansel to despise Maleficent. TOO EASY.
She's already done most of the work for me.
(Instead I do everything in my power to prevent that. I'd even go so far as threaten punishment if I should ever hear Hansel utter the words "I don't like Maleficent" again because YES he did say that and YES I agreed with him COM-PLETE-LY but I do not want my son feeling - let alone EXPRESSING - that sentiment about his Sister's mother.)
My feelings towards Maleficent are MINE. Not Hansel's.
Maleficent's feelings towards me should not be forced upon Cinderella.
Cinderella struggles to retain her own emotional independence and to speak up for herself.
But it's hard. Mommy told me I should never question her.
We've been trying to help her find the courage.
This night was a huge step for her.
I haven't talked to Mommy before tonight because I didn't want to do it over the phone. I wanted to be face-to-face so I could really explain things to her and know that she heard me.
I told her that I didn't tell her the entire truth about the time I thought you called me the "B" word. And about when I told her that you guys yell at me for no reason.
And I asked her to stop speaking bad about you because it hurts my feelings and I know it hurts your feelings to.
The things she said and how she said them caught me by complete surprise. Not only did she stand up for herself, but she also stood up for ME.
"Wow, Babe. Thank You."
Wow, indeed.
Like I said. HUGE step.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Just Say Hello (REDUX)
I left my camp shirt at Mommy's. I need it for our field trip this Friday.
My first reaction was to tell her that she wouldn't be able to go on the trip then.
Her Father and I have been telling both kids that they need to be more responsible with their camp things.
A forgotten water bottle. Lost Tae Kwon Do uniforms. Towels left in the van. Forgetting to tell us when they need to bring something in.
Maybe missing out on a field trip will drive the message home.
I quickly realized my reaction was not about teaching anyone a lesson in responsibility. It was out of my dread and not wanting to pick up the phone and call Maleficent to ask for the t-shirt.
This is ridiculous!
Is this what I have been reduced to?
Then I remembered this resolution.
Nuh-uh. No way, lady. I'm not going to let your refusal to communicate bring me down to that same level of childishness.
I choose to be the Adult.
It's an effing t-shirt for chrissakes. It was left at your apartment and the kid needs it for camp.
End. Of. Story.
I need it back so I can wash it (because I know you are not going to do it for me or Cinderella).
I call her cell phone. It goes directly to voice mail (as it has been doing since this).
I'm Polite. I'm Respectful. I let her know that she can leave the shirt in the mailbox if she'd rather not come to the door. Or even drop it off to Cinderella at camp Friday morning to avoid coming here altogether. Whatever she is more comfortable with. (Why I am so placating is beyond me sometimes.)
Either way, I ask that she call me back, or email Prince Charming just so I know.
She does neither. Instead she chooses to relay the message through Cinderella.
During their nightly phone call last night, Maleficent tells Her that the t-shirt will be dropped off around 8/8:30pm tonight. Cinderella relays the message to me.
Oh, and Mommy's washing machine is broken.
(Shocker!)
An hour later the phone rings again. I check voice mail. It's Maleficent asking for Cinderella to call her.
When Cinderella gets off the phone she tells me that now Maleficent says she will drop off the t-shirt at 6:30pm tonight.
I guess I should be happy to have the extra time to do the laundry.
My first reaction was to tell her that she wouldn't be able to go on the trip then.
Her Father and I have been telling both kids that they need to be more responsible with their camp things.
A forgotten water bottle. Lost Tae Kwon Do uniforms. Towels left in the van. Forgetting to tell us when they need to bring something in.
Maybe missing out on a field trip will drive the message home.
I quickly realized my reaction was not about teaching anyone a lesson in responsibility. It was out of my dread and not wanting to pick up the phone and call Maleficent to ask for the t-shirt.
This is ridiculous!
Is this what I have been reduced to?
Then I remembered this resolution.
Nuh-uh. No way, lady. I'm not going to let your refusal to communicate bring me down to that same level of childishness.
I choose to be the Adult.
It's an effing t-shirt for chrissakes. It was left at your apartment and the kid needs it for camp.
End. Of. Story.
I need it back so I can wash it (because I know you are not going to do it for me or Cinderella).
I call her cell phone. It goes directly to voice mail (as it has been doing since this).
I'm Polite. I'm Respectful. I let her know that she can leave the shirt in the mailbox if she'd rather not come to the door. Or even drop it off to Cinderella at camp Friday morning to avoid coming here altogether. Whatever she is more comfortable with. (Why I am so placating is beyond me sometimes.)
Either way, I ask that she call me back, or email Prince Charming just so I know.
She does neither. Instead she chooses to relay the message through Cinderella.
During their nightly phone call last night, Maleficent tells Her that the t-shirt will be dropped off around 8/8:30pm tonight. Cinderella relays the message to me.
Oh, and Mommy's washing machine is broken.
(Shocker!)
An hour later the phone rings again. I check voice mail. It's Maleficent asking for Cinderella to call her.
When Cinderella gets off the phone she tells me that now Maleficent says she will drop off the t-shirt at 6:30pm tonight.
I guess I should be happy to have the extra time to do the laundry.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Always Be Prepared
I should have been a Boy Scout.
Then I would have been prepared.
Prepared for the recent revelation that Cinderella has been speaking poorly about Prince Charming and I to her friends.
And Maleficent.
I know. I shouldn't be surprised.
I am sure I said unkind things about my Mom when I was younger.
But I wasn't prepared for it to be happening so soon with Cinderella.
She is not quite 11.
***
We had a recent exchange in which I called her behavior "bitchy."
(Well, she was!)
In her mind, I called her a bitch.
She told her Mother. And her best friend.
"Well... she's the bitch." Her friend responded.
And then proceeded to tell the entire bus of 5th graders of Cinderella's tale of woe at the hands of her Wicked Stepmom.
It's normal. I know. Kids complain about their parents all. the. time.
Tell half-truths. Leave out important details so they can remain the victim.
Still. It hurt.
Stepparents are easy targets.
We set ourselves up. Leave ourselves open and vulnerable.
Prince Charming came to my defense (somewhat).
Yet, he is the first to jump all over me when it comes to Her.
And still. I can't help but wonder if Cinderella's complaints are justified or a product of the Stepparent phenomona or Maleficent's verbal diarrhea.
Or all of the above.
Then I would have been prepared.
Prepared for the recent revelation that Cinderella has been speaking poorly about Prince Charming and I to her friends.
And Maleficent.
I know. I shouldn't be surprised.
I am sure I said unkind things about my Mom when I was younger.
But I wasn't prepared for it to be happening so soon with Cinderella.
She is not quite 11.
***
We had a recent exchange in which I called her behavior "bitchy."
(Well, she was!)
In her mind, I called her a bitch.
She told her Mother. And her best friend.
"Well... she's the bitch." Her friend responded.
And then proceeded to tell the entire bus of 5th graders of Cinderella's tale of woe at the hands of her Wicked Stepmom.
It's normal. I know. Kids complain about their parents all. the. time.
Tell half-truths. Leave out important details so they can remain the victim.
Still. It hurt.
Stepparents are easy targets.
We set ourselves up. Leave ourselves open and vulnerable.
Prince Charming came to my defense (somewhat).
Yet, he is the first to jump all over me when it comes to Her.
And still. I can't help but wonder if Cinderella's complaints are justified or a product of the Stepparent phenomona or Maleficent's verbal diarrhea.
Or all of the above.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Custody & Visitation: Into the Ether
He wrote:
Maleficent –
Our current method of “communicating” is just not working. Ignoring my phone calls and not responding to my emails or voice mails is not doing either of us, or Cinderella, any good.
We need to talk. Please, let’s not go back to the way things were. Not after we’ve worked so hard over the last year and half to move beyond the past. I will make myself available ... so we can resolve this issue.
- Prince Charming
She responded:
There really hasn't been anything to communicate about but the emails work great. Thanks.
Cinderella then came home from visiting with her Mom and said:
Mommy looked at my throat and said it looks really bad.
Mommy thinks I may have strep.
Mommy said I am immune to amoxicillin.
Mommy said I should tell the doctor that I am immune to amoxicillin.
Mommy said augmentin will keep me from having my tonsils taken out.
Mommy said I might have allergies.
Mommy said I should be tested for allergies.
For someone who has nothing to communicate about, Maleficent sure has a lot to say.
Maleficent –
Our current method of “communicating” is just not working. Ignoring my phone calls and not responding to my emails or voice mails is not doing either of us, or Cinderella, any good.
We need to talk. Please, let’s not go back to the way things were. Not after we’ve worked so hard over the last year and half to move beyond the past. I will make myself available ... so we can resolve this issue.
- Prince Charming
She responded:
There really hasn't been anything to communicate about but the emails work great. Thanks.
Cinderella then came home from visiting with her Mom and said:
Mommy looked at my throat and said it looks really bad.
Mommy thinks I may have strep.
Mommy said I am immune to amoxicillin.
Mommy said I should tell the doctor that I am immune to amoxicillin.
Mommy said augmentin will keep me from having my tonsils taken out.
Mommy said I might have allergies.
Mommy said I should be tested for allergies.
For someone who has nothing to communicate about, Maleficent sure has a lot to say.
Custody & Visitation: Communication Break Down
It's always the same...
Maleficent continues to maintain radio silence.
Citing that Prince Charming's telephone conversations with her are "disruptive in my home and to my health." Dictating that their communications are to now take place via email only.
She refuses to answer or return phone calls. They don't work for Her, she says.
Perhaps it's too much Reality for her fragile Psyche to handle. She can't escape to her distorted view of reality when engaged in an actual conversation with her Daughter's custodian.
She's hiding behind her Role of The Victim. Escaping reality through Active Avoidance. And in so doing stripping Prince Charming of any and all Authority.
She's not answering his emails either.
Maleficent will send an email when she has something to say. When she wants extra time with Cinderella. When she feels the need to remind Prince Charming of an impending deadline to choose summer vacation weeks so she can then pick her vacation time.
ONLY when She has something to say.
Otherwise, Prince Charming's missives get lost in the ether. Questions, unanswered. Concerns, dismissed. Pleas to work things out, ignored.
He's having one-sided conversations.
It's as if He only exists in her World when and IF She allows it.
I'm tempted to yell. To pick up the phone and scream some sense into her. It's frustrating. Stupid. Childish. And mostly a waste of effort and energy.
Maleficent continues to maintain radio silence.
Citing that Prince Charming's telephone conversations with her are "disruptive in my home and to my health." Dictating that their communications are to now take place via email only.
She refuses to answer or return phone calls. They don't work for Her, she says.
Perhaps it's too much Reality for her fragile Psyche to handle. She can't escape to her distorted view of reality when engaged in an actual conversation with her Daughter's custodian.
She's hiding behind her Role of The Victim. Escaping reality through Active Avoidance. And in so doing stripping Prince Charming of any and all Authority.
She's not answering his emails either.
Maleficent will send an email when she has something to say. When she wants extra time with Cinderella. When she feels the need to remind Prince Charming of an impending deadline to choose summer vacation weeks so she can then pick her vacation time.
ONLY when She has something to say.
Otherwise, Prince Charming's missives get lost in the ether. Questions, unanswered. Concerns, dismissed. Pleas to work things out, ignored.
He's having one-sided conversations.
It's as if He only exists in her World when and IF She allows it.
I'm tempted to yell. To pick up the phone and scream some sense into her. It's frustrating. Stupid. Childish. And mostly a waste of effort and energy.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Custody & Visitation: The Downward Spiral
Hindsight is 20/20.
I should have posted something about Mother's Day if for no other reason so that my first post for this week would have been about something positive instead of the tediously-frustrating-never-ending-bullshit-drama involving Maleficent and Prince Charming and the loathsome Custody. And. Visitation. Stipulation. A document that I have read more times than my own wedding vows. A document that I hate.
(The only thing that keeps me sane is knowing that Maleficent hates it more. Neener-neener!)
Prince Charming should have taken a different approach with Maleficent. Taking a consistent stand with the Rules put in place at the courthouse almost a year and a half ago. As Sandra so brilliantly commented:
"Just like a toddler clear limits have to be set. Once she sees over time and with tons of consistency that nothing is going to bend or budge in her favor...then the BS will stop. "
(You hit the nail right on the head with that. Talk about a lightbulb moment for both P.C. and myself!)
Instead, to his credit as much as our detriment, P.C. tried giving Maleficent the benefit of the doubt. Hoping against hope that she was as committed as he was to Keeping the Peace. And making things work. So he gave in to her every request for extra time.
He's realizing he was wrong.
Maleficent continues to disregard court orders.
Continues to ask forgiveness instead of permission.
To make up her own rules, and direspect Cinderella's rights.
P.C. attempted to lay down the law last month but caved.
He's now attempting it again.
His efforts are currently being met with passive-aggressive avoidance and spitefulness.
She's refusing to answer his calls. Dictating now that all communications are to take place in email only.
(I read that little nugget this morning. Before I even had my coffee.)
Maleficent was supposed to pick up Cinderella from her after-school program yesterday.
A day not cited in the original Visitation document but that P.C. has been allowing b/c he is nice like that. It's also a day she is losing come next week when P.C. enforces the schedule as it's been layed out in the Document From Hell.
Pick up usually takes place at our home. Scheduling conflicts prevented me from being home at the designated time and I am finished being accommodating.
Maleficent does not respond well to not getting her own way and was not happy with P.C. telling her when and where she could get Cinderella. Instead of making the most of an extra day with her Daughter, she called Cinderella AT SCHOOL yesterday to tell her she woudn't be coming to pick her up.
Maleficent did not notify Prince Charming or myself of her decision.
Cinderella was effectively abandoned at afterschool program without any means of getting home yesterday.
Luckily, I was there and she found me before I left to come home.
Today is a normal visitation day. Maleficent will be coming later this afternoon to pick up Cinderella at our home. I am trying to disengage from the rage of emotions I am currently feeling in order to ensure a pleasant interaction.
I am dreading what's to come.
And struggling with trying to find a way to preserve some civility with Maleficent.
I should have posted something about Mother's Day if for no other reason so that my first post for this week would have been about something positive instead of the tediously-frustrating-never-ending-bullshit-drama involving Maleficent and Prince Charming and the loathsome Custody. And. Visitation. Stipulation. A document that I have read more times than my own wedding vows. A document that I hate.
(The only thing that keeps me sane is knowing that Maleficent hates it more. Neener-neener!)
Prince Charming should have taken a different approach with Maleficent. Taking a consistent stand with the Rules put in place at the courthouse almost a year and a half ago. As Sandra so brilliantly commented:
"Just like a toddler clear limits have to be set. Once she sees over time and with tons of consistency that nothing is going to bend or budge in her favor...then the BS will stop. "
(You hit the nail right on the head with that. Talk about a lightbulb moment for both P.C. and myself!)
Instead, to his credit as much as our detriment, P.C. tried giving Maleficent the benefit of the doubt. Hoping against hope that she was as committed as he was to Keeping the Peace. And making things work. So he gave in to her every request for extra time.
He's realizing he was wrong.
Maleficent continues to disregard court orders.
Continues to ask forgiveness instead of permission.
To make up her own rules, and direspect Cinderella's rights.
P.C. attempted to lay down the law last month but caved.
He's now attempting it again.
His efforts are currently being met with passive-aggressive avoidance and spitefulness.
She's refusing to answer his calls. Dictating now that all communications are to take place in email only.
(I read that little nugget this morning. Before I even had my coffee.)
Maleficent was supposed to pick up Cinderella from her after-school program yesterday.
A day not cited in the original Visitation document but that P.C. has been allowing b/c he is nice like that. It's also a day she is losing come next week when P.C. enforces the schedule as it's been layed out in the Document From Hell.
Pick up usually takes place at our home. Scheduling conflicts prevented me from being home at the designated time and I am finished being accommodating.
Maleficent does not respond well to not getting her own way and was not happy with P.C. telling her when and where she could get Cinderella. Instead of making the most of an extra day with her Daughter, she called Cinderella AT SCHOOL yesterday to tell her she woudn't be coming to pick her up.
Maleficent did not notify Prince Charming or myself of her decision.
Cinderella was effectively abandoned at afterschool program without any means of getting home yesterday.
Luckily, I was there and she found me before I left to come home.
Today is a normal visitation day. Maleficent will be coming later this afternoon to pick up Cinderella at our home. I am trying to disengage from the rage of emotions I am currently feeling in order to ensure a pleasant interaction.
I am dreading what's to come.
And struggling with trying to find a way to preserve some civility with Maleficent.
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Custody & Visitation: Games People Play
Friday was Day One of the "altered" visitation schedule. Where Prince Charming invoked his parental authority and requested that Malifcent follow her visitation schedule to.the.letter from now on.
Maleficent escaped this reality by avoiding his attempts at communication during the week. Hiding behind Cinderella, voice mail and others to avoid speaking with Prince Charming thereby forcing him to leave messages. Messages that were never returned. Messages she pretended not to hear.
Maleficent Escapes reality by Avoiding Communication.
It helps her play the Role of the Victim.
Enables her to show up all our house 1/2 hour early and make angry phone calls, pacing back and forth between our front door and the curb, knocking, ringing, calling P.C. and me on our cell phones. Pretending not to know what's going on.
(My neighbor, alarmed to see her hanging around in front of our house, called to warn me.)
Hi, it's Maleficent. It's 4:15 and I'm outside your house looking for Cinderella.
Umm... I'm waiting!
I was at the dry cleaners when I heard the message on my cell phone.
My Game? I Avoid confontation by Escaping.
"I'm going to run some errands when Cinderella gets home. I'd rather spare myself, and the kids, the unpleasantness of a confrontation should Maleficent decide to show up on our doorstep early."
Ok. That's fine. Prince Charming understood my dilemma and my discomfort with having to face an irrational Maleficent. He also knew as well as I did the likelihood that my fears would be confirmed.
Reluctantly, I called her back leaving Cinderella, Hansel & Gretel in the car with the radio on so they could not hear my conversation. I wanted to be able to talk to her without the children overhearing. At home, I would have a harder time protecting them.
Oh, so that's the game. Ok. I see now. I knew there was some game going on but I wasn't sure what it was, but now I understand.
She challenges me and my knowledge of the visitation agreement. Plays dumb as to P.C.'s phone calls and messages. Pretends she is being wronged. The Victim.
I speak as politely and as friendly as I can and reassure her that I will have Cinderella home in time for her actual visitation pickup as per the agreement. Assured her that I read the papers myself to make sure I had the time correct.
Ok. Well, I'm just gonna wait HERE then.
Her tone meant to threaten. Warn me that she would be sitting outside my house like a stalker waiting for me to pull up.
(This would not be the first time.)
I pull into the driveway. Maleficent is sitting in her car. Waiting. Eyes focused downward at her dashboard.
She does not get out of her car. Makes no efforts to speak with me. I do the same.
Cinderella is anxious and demands for the keys to the house before I have the chance to put the car into Park.
She knows her mother is Angry. Doesn't want to keep her waiting.
"Babe. It's ok. You have done nothing wrong."
I try to reassure her as much as I can. Prepare her for the inevitable onslaught of verbal diarrhea she will have to bear. Disparaging remarks that Maleficent will make about her Father and me. Remarks meant to convince Cinderella that she is being Victimized and we are E.V.I.L.
"I know it makes you uncomfortable. I'm sorry for whatever will happen over the weekend. And I'm sorry if you are going to be dragged back into the middle of something."
"Just remember you did nothing wrong. There is nothing for you to apologize for. Try to ignore whatever you may hear and not let it bother you and if you need to talk to Daddy or me when you come home on Sunday we are here for you."
Cinderella barely heard me. She was preoccupied with thoughts of her Mother.
Waiting.
At the curb.
Stewing.
Seething.
I let her go. Worried over what would happen to her over the weekend. What vile hateful words she would have to hear because she lacks the courage to speak up to her Mother.
Wondering if my decision to not be home was worth it. Blaming myself for what Cinderella would have to put up with over her weekend with her Mother.
Whether I was home or not, Maleficent would still be pissed with having to face reality.
The only way to avoid pissing her off is to give in. Let her do what she wants.
***
How does one handle these types of lose/lose situations?
Maleficent escaped this reality by avoiding his attempts at communication during the week. Hiding behind Cinderella, voice mail and others to avoid speaking with Prince Charming thereby forcing him to leave messages. Messages that were never returned. Messages she pretended not to hear.
Maleficent Escapes reality by Avoiding Communication.
It helps her play the Role of the Victim.
Enables her to show up all our house 1/2 hour early and make angry phone calls, pacing back and forth between our front door and the curb, knocking, ringing, calling P.C. and me on our cell phones. Pretending not to know what's going on.
(My neighbor, alarmed to see her hanging around in front of our house, called to warn me.)
Hi, it's Maleficent. It's 4:15 and I'm outside your house looking for Cinderella.
Umm... I'm waiting!
I was at the dry cleaners when I heard the message on my cell phone.
My Game? I Avoid confontation by Escaping.
"I'm going to run some errands when Cinderella gets home. I'd rather spare myself, and the kids, the unpleasantness of a confrontation should Maleficent decide to show up on our doorstep early."
Ok. That's fine. Prince Charming understood my dilemma and my discomfort with having to face an irrational Maleficent. He also knew as well as I did the likelihood that my fears would be confirmed.
Reluctantly, I called her back leaving Cinderella, Hansel & Gretel in the car with the radio on so they could not hear my conversation. I wanted to be able to talk to her without the children overhearing. At home, I would have a harder time protecting them.
Oh, so that's the game. Ok. I see now. I knew there was some game going on but I wasn't sure what it was, but now I understand.
She challenges me and my knowledge of the visitation agreement. Plays dumb as to P.C.'s phone calls and messages. Pretends she is being wronged. The Victim.
I speak as politely and as friendly as I can and reassure her that I will have Cinderella home in time for her actual visitation pickup as per the agreement. Assured her that I read the papers myself to make sure I had the time correct.
Ok. Well, I'm just gonna wait HERE then.
Her tone meant to threaten. Warn me that she would be sitting outside my house like a stalker waiting for me to pull up.
(This would not be the first time.)
I pull into the driveway. Maleficent is sitting in her car. Waiting. Eyes focused downward at her dashboard.
She does not get out of her car. Makes no efforts to speak with me. I do the same.
Cinderella is anxious and demands for the keys to the house before I have the chance to put the car into Park.
She knows her mother is Angry. Doesn't want to keep her waiting.
"Babe. It's ok. You have done nothing wrong."
I try to reassure her as much as I can. Prepare her for the inevitable onslaught of verbal diarrhea she will have to bear. Disparaging remarks that Maleficent will make about her Father and me. Remarks meant to convince Cinderella that she is being Victimized and we are E.V.I.L.
"I know it makes you uncomfortable. I'm sorry for whatever will happen over the weekend. And I'm sorry if you are going to be dragged back into the middle of something."
"Just remember you did nothing wrong. There is nothing for you to apologize for. Try to ignore whatever you may hear and not let it bother you and if you need to talk to Daddy or me when you come home on Sunday we are here for you."
Cinderella barely heard me. She was preoccupied with thoughts of her Mother.
Waiting.
At the curb.
Stewing.
Seething.
I let her go. Worried over what would happen to her over the weekend. What vile hateful words she would have to hear because she lacks the courage to speak up to her Mother.
Wondering if my decision to not be home was worth it. Blaming myself for what Cinderella would have to put up with over her weekend with her Mother.
Whether I was home or not, Maleficent would still be pissed with having to face reality.
The only way to avoid pissing her off is to give in. Let her do what she wants.
***
How does one handle these types of lose/lose situations?
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