Thursday, December 28, 2006

Love Thursday: What Love Does Not Do...

It does not distinguish between race...

Or age...

Love knows no boundaries...

Happy Love Thursday.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Don't Ever Brush Your Teeth at the Same Sink With a Preschooler

... because you will both have to SPIT at the same time (because preschoolers TOTALLY ROCK! at copying you!) and you will undoubtedly get an EAR FULL (literally) of berrybubblesomething flavored toothpaste laced dragonbreath spittle.

Because, while excellent mimics, preschoolers are lacking in the AIM department.

(This is especially true for boys as evidenced by the floor, walls and anything else within a 3ft proximity of my toilet.)

Tuesday, December 26, 2006


[November 2006. 10pm.]
Outlook alerts me that I have two new emails. The emails indicate that I missed two phone calls and there are two messages waiting for me in voicemail. The caller ID shows The Husband's cell phone number.
I click on the attachments. Windows Media Player launches. I listen.
Voicemail #1: Hey wife, Guess what???? No, you're just going to have to answer to find out. I'll call back in a minute.
Voicemail #2: Umm, wife? I'm trying to call you but you're not answering. I have someone here who wants to talk to you. Umm... his name is, umm... Bono.
Huh? Sonny Bono is dead.

Wait a minute...
[Hit Pause. Rewind.]
I have someone who wants to talk to you. Umm... his name is, umm... Bono.

No. That can't be right. Could it?
[Pause.] [Rewind.]
Umm... his name is, umm... Bono.
Realizing my husband's flair for mutilating the English language I come to conclusion that he is indeed mispronouncing the name and he is in fact referring to the lead singer of one of my favorite bands EVAH.

Frantically I pick myself up off the floor up the phone and proceed to WAR DIAL Husband's cell phone for the next FORTY FIVE MINUTES while pacing the office floor and sending a flurry of IMs to my girlfriend while cursing said husband both outloud and via IM for not PICKING UP. WHY IS HE NOT ANSWERING? WHERE THE FUCK IS HE FOR CHRISSAKE?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Where is he?

At a meeting in the city.
With Bono?
Husband finally calls me back and confirms that after his meeting he was dragged to some event where he was introduced to B.O.N.O.
I'm so sorry hon. He was right here, with my cell phone in his hand all ready to say "Hello."
That's ok. But he could have left a message. That would have been cool.

Seriously, if there EVER was a ever a better opportunity for the lead singer of the band who recorded Vertigo to leave a witty phone message THIS. WAS. IT.
I can still hear it play out in my head: Hello, Hello! Hola!
I mean COME ON! It would have been classic.

But whatever.

Oh and hon? It's a good thing I didn't talk to him b/c I would have totally ratted you out for mis-pronouncing his name.

[Fast forward. Christmas Morning.]

I open this.

iPod nano (PRODUCT) RED.
(If you don't know about the
Join (RED) campaign and what it's doing to help fight HIV/AIDS in Africa click here and educate yourself. And then go buy something.)
Husband encourages me to remove it from it's package and take a closer look.
On the back I find this.

The hows and the whys are not important. What's cool is that He indulged my husband not once but TWICE. And while a phone call would have been AWESOME, his autograph totally makes up for it. I got me the coolest Hubby EVAH.
But what's even cooler is that I feel like I am helping. In some small way, I have helped someone in Africa who is dying from HIV/AIDS because they couldn't afford the two pills a day required to treat a disease that kills over 5,000 Africans every day.
This nifty little applet tells me that my purchase will generate enough money so The Global Fund can provide someone living with HIV in Africa one month of anti-retroviral medicine.
So go buy (RED) products. So they can get the pills.

Sunday, December 24, 2006


May you experience all the wonder and awe this Season has to bring.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Miracles Can Happen

I always make a fuckton of Date 'n Nut loaves every year to give as gifts.
[Insert crazy Fruit-Cake-Lady joke here.]
I gave one to Malificent Cinderella's BioMom last night.
And then hell froze over pigs flew out of my ass a miracle to rival the virgin birth happened... She hugged me.
You need to go shower.
Why? Is she dying?
Whatever the reason-Holiday Spirit, a momentary lapse of reason, temporary insanity-for that brief moment the past disappeared and we were like two old friends exchanging sincere holiday wishes with one another.

Well, kinda.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006


This picture doesn't even begin to capture the grossness factor going on with this child's thumb.
Red. Flaky. Peeling. Blistered. RAW.
Tried wrapping it in sterile gauze last night. No deal.
Tried wrapping it in sterile gauze and then dressing her in an old infant gown with the built-in fold-over mittens. Well, that just PISSED HER OFF.
A call to the pediatrician's office is forthcoming.
(Once I hit publish 'cuz the Internet must know about this first!)
All I have to say is, better it be her thumb than my BOOB.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Be Careful What You Wish For

Cinderella's music teacher is giving her a free violin rental.
Yeah. They think she has potential so they want her to keep practicing.
I had no idea.
There is a winter concert at Cinderella's school tomorrow night.
Oh. I was not aware of that.
Cinderella is earning her Yellow Belt tonight in Tae Kwon Do.
(The Boy was going to the same belt promotion ceremony that night. I was unaware that Cinderella's age group would also be there.)
request for space has left me feeling out of the loop.
Once again, feeling like an outsider intruding on Their relationship.
Like a stranger in my own Home.
Like it's Them against Me.
These feelings are all to familiar. I have started to feel emotional reactions that I haven't felt in a long time. Since we first became a blended Family over seven years ago.
(Well, what did you expect? You asked for this, didn't you?)
You're right. You're right. I know you're right.
Still, I'm feeling conflicted.
Conflicted between my absence-makes-the-heart-grow-fonder theory.

Conflicted by my knowledge of what the Psychologist called in to help with the Custody Case noted: She is the most stabilizing factor in Cinderella's life right now. My involvement and supervision has provided Cinderella with some much-needed structure.
And most of all conflicted by my overwhelming need for have some sense of Control over everything in my Life thanks to He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.
(It never ceases to amaze me just how far reaching the effects of His actions are in my Life.)

Hubby and I continue to struggle with finding how to balance my request while not neglecting Cinderella's needs or our own needs as a couple and parents. Mixed signals are being sent. Conflicts have arisen.
Cinderella is beginning to show signs of a child looking for attention. Her passive-aggressive defiance is on the rise.
A solution needs to be found quickly. I hope that one will be found by way of family (as well as individual) counseling that we will be resuming soon.
(Hubby found a job! With a steady salary! And benefits!)

Monday, December 11, 2006

In Case You Were Wondering

ACK! This explains where I have been this month.

This is my holiday, peoples. If you thought my birthday cakes were impressive, you should see what I do for Christmas.

Decorating: My home has been turned into a freakin' Winter Wonderland, inside and out. This year, because he loves me so, The Hubby agreed to indulge me and my request to wrap our 40ft magnolia tree in lights. Two days, one forehead gash and 14,000 (yes, that's fourteen T.H.O.U.S.A.N.D.) lights later, it's only 2/3 complete. Move over Clark Griswald!

Tree Shopping: A spectacular Douglas Fir which has been lit and is ready for decoratin' tonight.

Homemade Ornaments: I'd show you but then that'd ruin the surprise for those recipients who are also readers. Let's just say that I've found a creative use for The Mouse's baby food jars. BRILLIANT!

Shopping: E-commerce is my friend b/c 'tis not only the season for yuletide merriment but also for phlegm producing cooties which has been plaguing our home for the past two weeks.

This week, it's baking cookies and Secret-Family-Recipe Date 'n Nut Loaf, oh and perfecting my Dance of the Snowflakes b/c I need snow!