At Odds

I am at odds with my struggle to detach from Maleficent.
To remain ambivalent to her presence in our lives.
I am finding it difficult to go about our lives, happily ignorant to her existence.
Night time is when this struggle becomes the hardest.

Cinderella is old enough to remember to call her biomom. IF she WANTS to call her.
(Though she has admitted to sometimes she simply forgets to call.)
Prince Charming is trying to take over the job of being the proverbial string around her finger.
The job I once had assigned myself but which began to feel as if I was FORCING her to carry out the task.
But Prince Charming sometimes forgets to remind Cinderella, as much as Cinderella sometimes forgets to call.
Maleficent called twice last night to talk to my stepdaughter.
Her calls were left for voice mail.
Call #1 occurred while we were eating dinner and I have a very strict rule of NOT interrupting family time for ANY phone calls.
(Cinderella usually asks if it's her biomom calling, but she didn't this time.)
Call #2 came while Cinderella was in the shower.
Last night was supposed to be one of Maleficent's visitation days. The snow storm that blanketed our area canceled that.
Cinderella had thought to call her biomom during the day. She even had the phone in her hand at one point but never dialed the number, instead turning to go back to whatever it was that she was doing at the time.
For the rest of the day and night, she did not think to call her biomom.

All evening I wrestled with breaking my vow to take care of myself and REMINDING Cinderella to make the call.
Or of reminding Prince Charming to remind her.
I felt guilty all night. And then angry for allowing myself to feel so guilty.
I was getting sucked back in and I didn't like it.
For as much as I trying my best at self-preservation, I can't help but feel I am also doing us a great disservice.
Somehow.

Where is MY Oscar Nomination?

So, is that Cinderella's mother?
"Yep."
And... are you... OK with that?

I stared at the teacher blankly for a minute, standing in the middle of drama rehearsals as I watched Cinderella walk out with Maleficent (and Diablo) for her evening visitation.
The only audible sounds were those of my eyelids as I blinked HEAVILY in disbelief over the question and EXCITEDLY over the miriad of responses that were flooding my mind.
Was this woman SERIOUSLY asking me if I was OK with the fact that Maleficent was Cinderella's mother???
Of course not, but OHMYGOD if only I could answer that question honestly FOR ONCE.

Then I looked around for Allen Funt 'cuz clearly this was some kind of JOKE or TEST and there MUST be someone waiting in the wings ready to present me with a BIG HONKING GOLD MEDAL for exercizing self-restraint and not launching into a diatribe over my TRUE feelings about this woman... this so-called "mother" of my stepdaughter.

There were no medals, no golden statues, no rounds of applause.
Just my own self-satisfaction for being an adult and following the advice of my own personal hero, Thumper:

If you can't say something nice... don't say nothin' at all.

First Steps Towards Stepping BACK

Last week's dread was yet another waste of my energy.
Visitation pick up time came and went. Maleficent did not come to the house. Did not call.
There was no confrontation.
Nothing.
Prince Charming had taken care of letting her know Cinderella would be at drama rehearsals so was to be picked up at school instead of home.
Of course I had to scold him a bit.
"It would have been nice if you told me that so I didn't spend half of the day worrying."
Of course I also realize that's not his problem.
It's mine.
And I did say that I needed to step back and NOT be involved so he was only abiding by my wishes.
He reassured me by saying Maleficent responded to say she already had the schedule and so she knew where and when to pick up Cinderella during her visitation days.
(Kudos to her for getting the info herself even if it did mean harassing Cindy's drama teacher in email. At least it wasn't ME.)
I spent the rest of the week trying NOT to think about custody, visitation or pending court dates (no, a date has NOT been set and no one has been notified).
I was able to enjoy time with the kids and my family ... for the MOST part.
Old habits die hard. I have spent the last ten years playing this game of chess where I try to anticipate Maleficent's next move and do everything I can to launch preemptive strikes.
It's difficult to change my mind set. But I am trying.
And am having small successes.

For example...
Cinderella's rehearsal schedule has been updated. She came home with a new schedule last Thursday but FORGOT to grab an extra copy for Maleficent.
AND... I did NOT rush to transcribe anything and email it to her, as I have been doing for the last year.
HOORAH! for me!!!!!
When Cinderella came home from her visitation she told me how Maleficent was "up her butt" all weekend about getting HER a new copy of the schedule and not to forget to call her Tuesday (yesterday) to let her know what her schedule was for Wednesday (today).
The poor kid was stressed and a little perturbed at her Mom for hounding her.
AND... I did NOT rush to transcribe anything or try to FIX anything!!!!
I let Cindy talk. I listened, empathized and then we MOVED ON to another subject.
Of course she forgot to grab her Mom a new schedule after yesterday's rehearsal and was stressing about it last night.
Mommy's going to be so mad.
I gave her the same advice I (and my thoughtful readers) have given myself:
"It's not your job to keep your Mother informed of that stuff. She is a grown-up and can take care of herself. She knows that she can call and get that information if she wants."
Yeah but she will never call you. Once she makes up her mind about someone she will NEVER change it no matter what you do or how nice you are.
"Then that's her choice. We can't worry about that. Mom will figure out where you are one way or another. Don't worry about it."

I do not know if Maleficent will come to our home today to pick up Cinderella.
And right now I do not care.
I am not worried.
I will not hide. I will not avoid the phone. I am a grown up and can handle a simple conversation which requires nothing more than a statement of facts:
"Hi. Cinderella is at rehearsals until 5:30. You can pick her up at the school. Thanks. Bye."

I will also BE AT rehearsals tonight (ONLY because my help is needed). So if Maleficent does NOT show up, Cinderella will not be stranded and she will have ME to bring her home.

Maybe between the two of us, we can create enough a support system to keep Maleficent's poison from seeping into our home.

A Moment of Clarity... and Dread

I'm a care taker.
I am inexplicably drawn to people in crisis.
Their problems become MY problems and I become hopelessly devoted to helping them through their crisis.
It's what initially drew me to Prince Charming.
And is what has caused me to spend the last several years trying to appease Maleficent.
"If I were in her shoes" became my mantra.
I became obsessed with tending to Maleficent's volatile emotional state desperately trying to keep her happy.
If she is happy then we ALL will be happy, is what I thought.
It seemed a logical assumption.
In my newly elected role, it became my job to act as Prince Charming's conscience. To make sure he did what was right by Cinderella's Mom. To help him overcome their past and go through the motions.
Urging him to call with her every bit of news that *I* felt she might want to know.
Be a team player. Do what we can to make this co-parenting situation a success. Make her feel as if she is part of the process so she feels less threatened and combative.
If it appeared to not be working then we weren't trying hard enough.
We've got to do more!
Eventually I took matters into my own hand and handled that side of communications.
If Cinderella had a routine doctor's appointment. I called Maleficent after wards to give her the update.
Homework assignments, drama rehearsal schedules, report cards all were copied, scanned or transcribed into email. No detail was too small for me.
Even the random birthday or first-day-of-school photos were happily shared.
If I were in her shoes, I'd want to know.
If I were in her shoes, I'd feel so isolated.
If I were in her shoes, I'd feel so humiliated, and embarrassed and resentful.
I put myself in her shoes every day and every day gave my ALL to make her feel less despondent and more a part of the process.
If I were in her shoes, *I'd* be grateful for all the effort that was being made by the custodial home.
The problem with being a care taker is it's exhausting. I eventually get tired of GIVING and of never RECEIVING anything in return.
The problem was... *I* was not in her shoes.
SHE was.
Maleficent's illness prevents her from GIVING back. From seeing things for what they really are.
From being appreciative for what we... no *I* was doing.

You cannot rationalize with an irrational person.
I've grown weary of trying to make things better FOR her and WITH her.
For in trying to do so, I have neglected my own family. She has drawn my attention away from taking care of my own, and of MYSELF.
I am working on taking a step back and LETTING GO.

Cinderella is starting rehearsals for her next drama production at school. Ordinarily, this would be the time when I would be transcribing her rehearsal schedule for Maleficent (mostly so she would know where to go to pick up Cinderella on her visitation days).
But I am not doing that anymore. It's now Prince Charming's responsibililty.
We've had the schedule for two days.
Today is Maleficent's visitation day. Cinderella is in rehearsals until 5:30 which means M needs to pick her at the school and NOT HERE.
I reminded Prince Charming of my need to step back. I told him I would NOT be taking care of sending the schedule to his ex.
And here I sit, hoping he's remembered to handle this situation.
Knowing that if he hasn't, she will not have her moment of clarity and realize all I have done to keep her informed and involved.
Oh, NO.
I feel like turning off the lights and shutting off the phone just so I can avoid all contact with her.
And that pisses me off.

Oh yeah, and just to add fuel to the fire, Prince Charming filed violation papers last week. Among other things, he is looking to change the visitation schedule in light of Cinderella's recent confessions (surpervised if not an immediate STOP until Maleficent starts seeking appropriate treatment). So we also sit waiting for a court date to be set and for Maleficent to be notified. That should be any day now. Maleficent has no idea this is coming.

Our fairy tale is turning into quite the page turner.
No?

I Could Write a Book.

I could have written an entire post about how at Cinderella's recent drama club performance (in which we were seated directly OPPOSITE Maleficent and Diablo) we spent half of the performance shielding hateful glares, stares and smirks.

I could have written a tome on how Maleficent has been instigating stressful situations only to hide behind some ridiculous doctor's note saying that it's not good for her health to be stressed (which translates into her ignoring phone calls and emails ONCE AGAIN).

I could have rehashed the recent weeks in which Cinderella has suddenly found her voice and is beginning to speak out against her Mom telling us of the constant verbal abuse she suffers at Maleficent's and Diablo's hands whenever Prince Charming tries to uphold the custody agreement or establish communication of ANY kind.

I could tell you of how my heart aches for this poor child and how proud I am at the same time for the grace with which she is handling things all-the-while knowing of the pain she has yet to speak.

Or of how many times I have advocated, defended and empathized with a woman who vilifies me and makes assumptions based on her own insecurities; who calls my husband and I the most vile and hateful names IN FRONT OF and TO Cinderella.

Instead I wrote about a random incident in which it might appear as though I overreacted to Maleficent and perhaps treated her unfairly. I might have. And then again I might have been having a rational reaction after months of trying to be the BIGGER person.

I chose not to write about any of these. As much as writing can be therapeutic it can also be exhausting to have to relive these moments with Maleficent. So I chose to keep them to myself.

Instead of writing a book, I am trying to read a book.
This book.
Hoping it will offer some peace or sanity to what has become an almost unbearable situation.

I need to figure out a way of not letting Maleficent be MY problem.
I cannot control her but I can try to control my reaction to her.
I can focus on being the cure for Cinderella's pain while letting my husband deal with the cause.
I can stop advocating for her. She does not see or appreciate it anyway.

In making me the enemy, Maleficent has lost the only ally she had in this house.

The Stepmom Strikes Back

Maleficent did not take too kindly to me calling her out on her choice to call Hansel & Gretel Cinderella's half-siblings. It was self-serving and intended to belittle our childrens' relationship with one another.
And it PISSED. ME. OFF.
I criticized her for being so petty and accused her of being threatened by our ability to provide a loving family for Cinderella. I told her she was pathetic.
I told her that we had all grown weary of her and her bipolar issues and that she would one day soon regret her actions as of late.
She didn't like what I had to say. She didn't like it one bit:

I am so tired of you it isn't even funny. You have gotten way too big for your bridges!!! I don't and won't continue to explain to you about any conversations my daughter and I have. Prince Charming and I made Cinderella you were just a thought later. You seem to think Cinderella is YOUR daughter. I owe you NO explanation PERIOD! I don't want any more emails from you. The emails are between Prince Charming and I. Mind your own business. As far as I know Prince Charming is raising Cinderella (She is OUR child!!!!) I DO NOT want to here from you again. No more harrassing me.

I read her email and felt an immediate rush of adrenaline.
I might have even recited this prayer once or twice.
I was shocked (and secretly pleased) that I had managed to elicit a response from her. I obviously struck a nerve in some way.
Her anger was all over the place, her comments erratic and nonsensical. In fact I don't understand what half of her statements were supposed to mean or how she expected me to react to them.
"You were just a thought later."
Huh? Isn't that usually how it works? People get married, people get divorced, people move on. No?
I was not surprised to see the harassment accusation thrown in at the end. A single email can hardly qualify as harassment. But she is a coward. That's just how she rolls.
I resisted the urge to correct her typos, l'est my bridges get any bigger. ;)
But I did need to make one thing very clear to her:

Anything that affects my family, especially that which also affects Cinderella's brother and sister is my business. There is much more to parenting than simple biology, and I will never stop defending or standing up for what is right for the kids.

Prince Charming also came to my defense. He was infuriated by her behavior and her language.
He chose to call her, to let her know he was aware of this little exchange and that he felt as strongly about it as I did and that he did not like the way she was talking TO and talking ABOUT his wife. The mother of the home in which Cinderella lives.
He might also even have stated that I am more of a mother than she will EVER be.

There has been no further backlash. Maleficent is acting as though this never happened. No retorts. Certainly no apologies. Nothing more has been stated - verbally or in email.
She is happy in her land of make-believe and has mastered the art of avoidance.
I can learn something from her in that department.

When BioKids Are Affected

"Hansel and Gretel are..."
My half-brother and sister.

We sat for a moment in stunned silence at the dinner table.
Prince Charming and myself. Hansel, Gretel, my Dad and Stepmom.
Cinderella's words hung overhead like a dark cloud.
It's been nearly three years since we've heard that phrase in our home.
And now it was back rearing it's ugly head.
And this time we had Maleficent to thank for it.
I shouldn't have been surprised what with the recent state of affairs and the downward spiral that's been taking place over the past several months.
I should have let it go. But the words hurt because our Little Ones were now being introduced to that term. I don't know if they understood what Cinderella said, but I am certain they heard it.
I don't want any of you to think differently, or LESS, of one another. And that label can be hurtful.
I know all about how labels can affect a relationship. I think most Stepmoms do.
It's bad enough when Maleficent's poison affects Cinderella , Prince Charming and me. It's worse when that also reaches to Hansel and Gretel.
I couldn't let it go.
I have spent the last ten years trying to advocate for this woman, empathize with her and she has slapped me in the face for the last time.
I had enough of turning the other cheek and of letting things go or let others handle her. Now she was talking about my biokids and trying to belittle Cinderella's relationship with them (and vice versa).
I fired off an email.
I might have called her out on her bipolar disorder.
I might even have referred to her being threatened of our family as pathetic.
I most definitely asked her to mind her business when it comes to Cinderella's relationship with her brother and sister and to let us handle that OUR WAY.

I also made the mistake of checking email during a holiday visit with my Dad and the even bigger mistake of reading her response to me.

To be continued...

Finding Common Ground REDUX

I had a lovely conversation with Maleficent a couple of weeks ago.
Yes, that's right... LOVELY.

(And yes, that's right a couple of WEEKS ago. We don't talk every day. We are not BFFs, but on those rare occasions when we do have to speak I try my damnedest to make it pleasant.)
It started with me apologizing for Cinderella being dropped off late from camp.
It wasn't my fault, of course. It was Prince Charming's. He picked up the kids and forgot it was Maleficent's visitation day, so wound up getting Cinderella to her Mom's an hour late.
Oh, it's fine. I was starting to get worried at first but then figured it *had* to be just that Prince Charming was dropping her off. And I know how he's always late.
He is our (sometimes) neutral ground. Just another tie that bonds us, as it were.
Ex Wife. Current Wife.

We have both dated him, lived with him and married him. 

We know his quirks, his habits - the good, the bad and the ugly.

And, during the course of this conversation, learned that we both developed the EXACT SAME tricks to deal with his idiosyncrasies. 

"OHMYGOD, you do that too? What about ...??"

Yep, done it all.

When we are able to share a laugh at my husband's expense, it breaks the tension.

Thanks, hon!

Validation

I appreciate you stepping up to the plate and getting things done for Cinderella, especially since I can't.
She can't because she's not allowed since losing custody and all parental rights.
And she can't because her current medical condition prohibits her from being as active as she once was.

I take it with a grain of salt, but recognize and appreciate the effort it must have taken Maleficent to thank me.

Thank You for Smoking

There is nothing worse than a reformed smoker.
I admit it. I do.
I can't stand to be within 5 miles of the nastiness.
I can smell it on your clothes, on MY clothes after I've been in your house, on your breath, even your fingers if you get too close to me.
And yes I *do* judge you.
I stand upon my soap box and lecture for hours on end the evils of your way.
Your teeth are yellow. You have premature wrinkles. You do not look cool or attractive AT ALL.
Why would you want to do that to yourself? To your family?
And GOD forbid... your kids?!?! Yes I SCREAM AT YOU FROM THE TOP OF MY LUNGS AT YOUR STUPIDITY!!!!!!!
(On the inside.)
(Except for my husband who is bad at hiding it and despite being caught and confronted years ago still refuses to officially admit his weakness to me. *Him* I will scream at OUT LOUD.)

I have recently found myself feeling the same judgment when I read some other stepmom blogs.
(No... not *your* blog silly. Someone else's blog.)
I see these Moms going through the same power struggles as I did, getting upset over the same trivial stuff and wonder WHY OH WHY! are they allowing themselves to sink down to that level?!
The whining. The justifications as to why they are BETTER than their stepkids' BioMom. The blaming of BioMom for ALL of their troubles.
I bring out my soap box again and yell at my computer screen OMG, GET OVER IT ALREADY!

And then I remember...

While I hope it is much less in frequency than it used to be, I do the same thing.
Fuck this blog was nothing but one giant BITCHFEST in the beginning.
It was is my place to vent. Safely. Without judgement.
And it's the reason I have been able to find my way and figure out how to cope with my situation with Maleficent.
I don't know if I have it figured out for good, but I've got it FOR NOW.
I eventually reached a point when I was tired of being angry all the time. Tired of laying the blame on a person whose actions I could not control.
This blog is how I was able to reach the conclusion that I cannot control Maleficent.
But I CAN control my reaction to her.
Where I became committed to making this work (l'est I become committed!)
Where I made the first steps to reach out to her.
To establish communication. Try to allow her to get to know me.
And where I stood up for myself while validating her role as Cinderella's mother.
I know I was able to do this through the support and understanding of other Stepmoms.
Those who have "been there, done that" and those who are struggling to find there way.
They You all knew that I needed to vent. That I did not need a judgmental lecture.
You listened and offered your gentle support and advice. You let me know I was not alone and that my feelings were normal and that I was doing a good job (even if I didn't think so).

So, thanks for the refreshing reminder of what it was like for me and of how far I've come.
You will get there too, one day.
You *will* get there TOO.
Be it by reaching out, detaching, or some other method that I have yet to discover.

Anyone have a light?

Custody & Visitation: Transportation "Responsibilities"

I waved as I drove past the house. 

Their waves were as much an expression of their gratitude as much as their happiness.

Five minutes later my cell phone rang.

Hi WSM. I wanted to thank you again for driving Cinderella here. I know you are now rushing to make it to your appointment but I really, REALLY appreciate it.

"Oh, it's no problem really."

Well, I am grateful because I know you didn't *have* to do it.

Maleficent was right. 

Legally transportation for her visitation days is not my responsibility. Court documents put the onus entirely on her shoulders.

And then there's the "all-of-the-responsibilities-none-of-the-rights" argument that plagues stepparents. 

Gah!

Technically I didn't have to drive Cinderella anywhere. But emotionally. Morally, I *had* to. 

Ten minutes earlier my 11 year old stepdaughter was in tears after just learning that her mother would not be able to pick her up for one of their twice weekly visits. 

I was heading out anyway. So what was the big deal to leave 10 minutes earlier?

Are you sure? I don't want you to have to take the kids out in this [rainy] weather. 

"It's no big deal. Hansel and I have a 5:30 chiropractor appointment so we were leaving in a few minutes."

But will that make you late for your appointment? I just feel so terrible, we hate to lose time with each other and I had no idea I would be stuck without a car but my time with her is so preshus already... but are you sure you don't mind? Will the doctor's office take if you you are late?

(Well if you stop ASKING me if I was sure and let me GET OFF THE PHONE DAMMIT I will be able to make my appointment.  My moments of compassion and empathy for you are fleeting, woman. Don't make me lose sight of WHO I am doing this for by making it all about you.)

(GAH!)

I was late. But who cares. I called ahead to the chiropractor's office and there was no problem.

Maleficent thanked me profusely on the phone, in her maniacal waves as I drove away and then again when she called me on my cell as I was rushing to our appointment in between reaming Prince Charming a new one for not listening to his voice mail sooner.

But most importantly, Cinderella was happy.

I may not be responsible for the visitation transportation, but I am responsible for her happiness.

In the end, that's all that matters.

Stepmom Vs. BioMom: Yours Vs. Mine (Part II)

I understand the emotions Maleficent is trying to express to me, and from where they come.
I tell her that I can only imagine how difficult it must be to WANT to be there for Cinderella but to be limited physically by her current health problems.
"I know how involved you have always been. It must be killing you to not be able to help out this time."
She is crying. Her emotions are raw.
I don't like seeing anyone cry, least of all because of something that I've done whether the tears are justified in my eyes or not.
But still I am confused. What IS her point? Why is she calling me to tell me this!?? What is she hoping will happen?
I muster up every last bit of energy to ask in the most respectful tone I have,
"What is it that you are looking for from me? It sounds like you are telling asking me not to volunteer or help out. Is that it?"
Oh, no no, no... not at all! I'm glad you are there to help Cinderella, especially since I can't be. I know you care for her and I am grateful that she has you in her life.

And then she says it:

I guess... maybe... what I am asking is that since you were here for this play that...maybe... for the next one, you let me help out I-N-S-T-E-A-D.

And that's where I needed to stop her. RIGHT THERE.
"Why can't we both help out?," I ask.
Now it's my turn to talk.
My turn to explain that no matter what my personal feelings are towards her, she is and always will be Cinderella's Mommy.
"I have never tried to take your place. I don't want to be her Mommy. You are her Mommy and that's how it should be. I did not offer to volunteer in an attempt to exclude you. My volunteering has NOTHING to do with you, but is about me being there for Cinderella and for her school and for her teacher. Cinderella wanted me to help. SHE asked ME."
I reminded her that for nearly ten years I took a back seat and did NOT volunteer for Cinderella's school events in deference to HER. But that after ten years I felt we could move past that silliness and should ALL be able to be there for Cinderella.
I explained that I had originally ONLY volunteered to design the program because it afforded me the chance to be involved while remaining on the sidelines (a role Stepmoms often take). I did not offer to assist backstage because that had typically been her turf and I did not want to step on any toes.
(Essentially, I gave her first dibs but after it became apparent that she wasn't involved with this production and that they NEEDED more parental involvement, I stepped up and offered my services.)
"Maleficent, no matter what has transpired between us in the past, I'd like to think that we can ALL be there for Cinderella. Our personal feelings for one another have no place in this. Nor do they concern Cinderella."

I tried to reassure her while RESPECTFULLY letting her know I would not be backing down or backing off.
If Cinderella wants me to be there at her school events, I'm going to be there.
Maleficent understood and agreed with me.
(I think an entire fleet of angels must have gotten their wings yesterday to pull that one off!)
She told me she felt better after having spoken with me. She explained that part of her problem was not knowing whether I respected her as Cinderella's mother and that after speaking with me she now knows that I do.
(I DO respect the fact that she is Cinderella's mother, but I do NOT respect her AS a Mother. That's an important difference but one I did not feel needed to be expressed at that moment!)

The entire tone of our phone call was respectful, polite and low key. She did not come at me on the attack. Nor did I lash out in return.
We spoke.
We listened.
A resolution was reached, a barrier broken through.

Stepmom Vs. Biomom: Yours Vs. Mine

The phone rings.
Private Number.
I normally don't answer blocked calls but it's the week leading into Cinderella's school play and I've found myself volunteering more and more to help out in the last-minute crunch so I answer thinking it might be about the clothes I am supposed to drop off for costumes tonight.

Hi, it's Maleficent. Do you have a minute?
"Sure," I say. I think she is calling to go over Cinderella's transportation to and from the three performances that are taking place between Friday and Saturday nights. This is Maleficent's visitation weekend so the responsibility would fall upon her, but I offered to drive Cinderella to her Mom's after Saturday night's performance since I will most likely be assisting backstage.

She's not calling about transportation.

She wants to talk to me as one Mommy to another.
She's wanted to talk to me for a while now and says that she hopes I don't misunderstand what she is about to say.
She wanted to talk to me directly and not go through Prince Charming. She did not want her intentions or the message to get misconstrued.
She wants me to know that my volunteering in Cinderella's drama club hurts her.
Stings, as she put it.
As one Mommy to another I am sure you can understand how you would feel if someone did that with your kids.
She explains how she had wanted to volunteer because she's ALWAYS been involved in Cinderella's extra-curricular activities from Day One (to the point of excluding her Father and I from any involvement, but that's not really the point. Is it?) But her current health issues have prevented her from being as involved this time around.
She wanted me to know that she did contact Cinderella's Drama teacher but never heard back.
I should have followed up but I didn't. And that's my fault. Still she wanted to let me know that my volunteering and being their for HER daughter hurts HER.
Soon enough you will have Gretel's events to be a part of.
And Hansel's.
But Cinderella is all I have. And to miss out on even one day kills me since I don't get to see her that much as it is.
I am sure you can understand what I mean.

***
So... what happens next?
How would YOU react to such a phone call? What would you say?
Tomorrow, I'll let you know what *I* said.

Count to 10

Ten years.
Ten years is a LONG time to keep my mouth shut.
To stifle expressing the opinions (and emotional reactions) to Maleficent about her chosen course of actions over the past 10 years. To stay out of it and let Prince Charming handle all communications with her.
I can keep quiet no longer.
Thursday night. Cinderella calls Maleficent for their nightly phone chat. Maleficent calls back a second time. Leaves a message for Cinderella to call her on her cell.
Cinderella questions the message. Debates the necessity for another call.
"Babe, she's your Mother. And she's left a message for you to call her. So better to be safe than sorry."
Cinderella calls. But clearly does not want to talk.
Maleficent picks up on her tone and ASSumes it has something to do with us.
I hear her yelling on the phone at her daughter.
You know Cinderella, they have to understand that I can call you whenever I want. I'm your mother and I have that right.
Cinderella is visibly upset and uncomfortable after that phone call.
We talked about it. I tell her I heard. She admits to being upset and requests for help standing up to her Mom. And for us to ask her to stop with the bad-mouthing.
If you feel you need to step in and say something to her, I will back you up no matter what.
Prince Charming offers me all the support I need.
He's done trying to be friends. It's proven to be an exercise in futility.
He's been nice. He's been accommodating. He's been forgiving.
For ten years. And it's gotten him no where (with her).
Two days later, I'm still bothered by this latest event. Remembering the tear-filled eyes of my stepdaughter as she reluctantly asked for help and the relief she displayed when I promised her we would back her up.
I decide I can't stand by anymore and watch Cinderella be hurt.
So I did it. I contacted Maleficent.
Via email.
Why?
Because she won't accept or return any phone calls.
The following email was ten years in the making, and took every ounce of fiber in my being to be as civil and straightforward as I was.

"Cinderella was upset after her phone call with you this past Thursday. She's asked for someone to speak to you about that and stick up for her. That someone is me.

For the record, Prince Charming and I *do* know that you have the right to call Cinderella as many times as you want on any given day. (Same holds true for Him, too, RIGHT? LOL!) It is in knowing that fact that I had Cinderella call you back on Thursday night, despite her protesting to me that "I already spoke to Mommy, why does she need me to call her again?" In spite of this, I pointed out that you left a message so it wouldn't hurt for her to call you again.

So she did.

Because I insisted.

She was upset by your misinterpreting her tone of voice or "attitude" and assuming it was because Prince Charming or I had a problem w/ you calling her a second time that night. Not true. Don't care. Really! Cinderella did not like you accusing us of such a thing - and she really doesn't like it when you make similar comments whenever she doesn't feel like talking to you on the phone. (Yes, she told me you've done it before. And that she's asked you not to. And that you do it anyway. And I'm not AT ALL surprised.) And in spite of her fear that you will only become more enraged and subject her to more of your diarrhea of the mouth when it comes to her Dad and me, she spoke to me about your conversation and her hurt feelings and asked if we would speak to you about this. Because she needs someone to back her up.

So here I am. Sending you an email because that's the kind of communication you've asked for. Cinderella wants you to STOP making negative remarks about Prince Charming and I to her. Your opinion of us (be it right or wrong) is your opinion. Not Cinderella's. And she doesn't want to know or hear about it any more.

And in case there is any question in your mind. The same holds true for us. Our opinion of you is ours and ours alone. We do not express this opinion to any of the kids.

Thanks for listening. I hope you'll take this into consideration, for Cinderella's sake."

I sent this Saturday night.
There's yet to be a response.

The Early Bird Catches... A Lot.

I'm early.
She is already there (no big surprise there) speaking with the Camp Instructor.
The Instructor upon seeing me immediately leaves her company to greet me at the door.
Hi! Your kids aren't here. Their vans haven't returned yet.
I'm standing in the entryway holding the door open. Gretel is still in the car so I want to stay close.
Over his shoulder I see Her. I try to catch her eye so I can give her a friendly nod of hello but she refuses to make eye contact as the Instructor rambles on about how he took a short cut and of the lack of faith displayed by the other drivers who refused to take his lead and are now stuck in traffic. Harhar.
Maleficent paces the floor. Fidgets. Looks around everywhere but in my direction. The vending machine. The dry erase board. The wall. The floor.
I've seen this body language before. She is anxious. Nervous.
But about what?
About being caught trying to pick up Cinderella early?
Over the Instructor's choice of the phrase "your kids" when he addressed me?
Or is she still experiencing residual hard-feelings from this misunderstanding (which Cinderella said she cleared up).
More parents arrive. I hold the door open to let them in. I'm still trying to break from the Instructor's gab-hold so I can return to Gretel.
Something's caught the Instructor's eye. An unfamiliar face. He watches as this Stranger, who is nervously looking over his shoulder, is clearly feeling out-of-place, proceeds further into the dojang.
Can I help you, sir?
Oh, he's with me. Maleficent lays claim to this Stranger.
I've only seen Him from a distance. And only through her car windows whenever he has accompanied her to pick up Cinderella.
It's her Boxing Coach, turned something more. "Mommy's friend," as Cinderella calls him.
Her new hobby Man.
I shall call him ... Diablo.
Diablo joins Maleficent's side. He gently leads her to the farthest wall opposite the doorway where I am standing. Their backs are to me and the door. They are quietly speaking.
He appears to be comforting her. Their heads are hung close together. His hand strokes her back.
It's not until I return to my car, having broken free from the Instructor, and upon seeing Maleficent and Diablo making a hurried exit to her car, that it occurs to me Diablo was there because of Me.
Did he think Maleficent was in some sort of peril being left in the dojang alone with me?
Did I make her feel trapped by the fact that I was standing in the doorway?
MUWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA!
(Oh, puhlease. She's a grown woman. Say excuse me and walk out the door forfucksake!)
Does my presence cause that much anxiety?
What did He think was happening?
I am both offended and empowered.
Offended that He would think She needed rescuing.
Empowered to think that I actually have that kind of affect on her.
And at the same time... I am bothered that I have given this much thought to it.

Petty Woman

Sometimes I am Petty.
Sometimes I forget the Lessons I have learned and fall back on Old Habits.
Bad habits.
Habits that sometimes make me no better than Her.
Habits that I have been called on since I began journaling my experiences.
(Well, DUH! Did you honestly expect to get away with chronicling your Life and NOT get negative constructive feedback as well as support and empathy? Silly, rabbit.)
These habits are irritating. To them, of course. But also to me.
The Habits make me behave badly.
Usually evoking a tit-for-tat attitude with the ultimate goal of screwing Her out of time with Cinderella.
"She brought this on herself." "It's called accountability."
"It's not my fault she lost custody." "It's her fault."
This. Is. All. Her. Fault.
"You should [bark some order at Prince Charming telling him how to handle her and teach her a final lesson.]"
::sigh::
You're right. You're right. I know you're right.
But Old Habits die hard.
I haven't yet figured out completely how to Forgive and Forget.
Just when I think I've conquered it, I get sucked back down to the deepest depths of hatred and loathing.
GAWD! how I hate ex-wives sometimes.
The only thing I hate more is when I live up to my title of Wicked Stepmom.

How do we move beyond the pettiness... for good?

Getting Along: Baby Steps

Someone once said it's the little things that mean the most.
(Or maybe it was Hallmark.)
I try to remember this as I challenge myself to Keep the Peace with Maleficent. To keep us all communicating for Cinderella's sake.
It's not easy.
It took us 7 years to get to this point, it will take more than 7 months to overcome it.
[Maleficent seems to be having an even harder time breaking the habits of her bad behavior as evidenced by some recent events which resulted in a heated phone call with Prince Charming last night but that's a whole other post.]
I'm not at the point where I'm ready to invite her in for a cup of coffee. I don't know if I will ever Trust her enough for that.
Maybe one day. But not this day.
For now I'm taking Baby Steps.

Like informing Maleficent on all of the "girl talks" I have had with Cinderella. She is almost 10 and oh-so-curious about these things called bras, tampons, and...yeah... O.R.G.A.S.M. I make sure I let Maleficent know every detail, so she doesn't feel left out.
I offered to put pretty photos that I have taken of Cinderella over the years on a CD for Her.
I asked Her to copy home movies of Cinderella on to DVD, as a surprise for Prince Charming. I have never seen Cinderella as a Baby and Hubby's VHS movies are packed away somewhere. Maleficent agreed to do it without hesitation.
I've complimented Her role as an early-childhood educator and asked Her opinion on Hansel's preschool. I firmly believe that, next to parenting, teaching is one of the most important jobs a person can do and I wanted her to know that.
I included Maleficent on my list of things-to-by-at-the-craft-store for my Mother's Day crafts, and helped Cinderella make the craft for her Mom. Cinderella loves crafting and what Mom doesn't appreciate homemade gifts?
I've bitten my tongue on more than one occasion. Like when She pointed out how commited she was to making things work for Cinderella's sake.
You should be committed is what I wanted to say.
"We're all committed," is what I did say.
I smile politely and make idle chit chat when she picks Cinderella up. I struggle to keep things friendly even though I am currently seething over the continued spitefulness.
One Foot in front of the other.
One Step farther away from the Past.
One Step closer to peace harmony something better more tolerable.