A reader and stepmom-to-be, K10ish, needs some advice and support.
She writes: "I think I may be at my 'step mom to be' limit. Who do we talk to?"
The following poem of hers is thoughtful, insightful, and touched deep into the heart of my own struggles as a Stepmom, as I'm sure it will for some of you. Please help K10ish know that she is not alone. Leave your comments here or on her lovely blog: Hindsight, Relationships and Looking Inside Me.
The Sub
In the shadow
never THE mom
or THE dad
just the substitute.
Love like they are your own
honest and pure
You are not their own
They have their own.
On the bench.
That's where you sit
You are not the first string.
It's OK for a while, it's not a competition.
It's your heart.
Your love.
This is your ready made family.
And it's not yours.
It's theirs. Their Mom. Their Dad.
But divorced.
Extra wheel.
That's you. That's me.
You only need an extra wheel
When the others aren't good.
But just for a little while.
You are easily replaced.
You are not one of them.
Can anyone see this but me?
Who do you talk to?
How do you discuss your pain?
What do you do with your hurt?
When they all stand together in one place
it's random, a birthday party, a school conference
where do you stand.
Alone.
41 comments:
You find other stepmoms (I'm a former stepmom...um...current...um...well...special situation stepmom here I guess) and pick up the phone so it's not all in your head anymore, even writing it down isn't enough. You need to be able to vent with your voice. (In my opinion, of course...some people might do better writing...but I don't feel the feeling is "out of me" unless its verbally expressed.)
My phone number is on my webpage. I'm sure a "real, current" stepmom or stepmom-to-be would be happy to talk to you as well.
It's about having your team that's not part of THE team. You aren't alone. It's a special kind of heartache, but its one that others understand!
i completely understand how you feel. Like the previous poster said, you've gotta find your OWN team. We are out there. Step-mothers and step-mothers-to-be have ALL gone through this pain of sort of being "in limbo". It's important to remember we are NOT alone and to seek support with others in the same boat.
Until a few weeks ago I felt alone. My friends tried to support me with a pat on the back and a kind word here or there. I could tell that they didn't quite know how to be empathetic to my situation.
I started to discover other blogs, and started to search for others in my situation.I was amazed. I have not felt alone ever since. We are not alone...there are countless stepmothers out there to give us strength and true understanding.
There is hope. There is peace knowing that others share your pain. I hate that it is the way it is: Fathers without rights, stepparents without a voice or any protection of the law. I just hope and pray that this will all change as we stand together and fight. As my husband would say, it's time to go to the mattresses (from the Godfather).Stand together, protect the children, and fight for what is right and for what is in their best interests. We must never forget what or who we are fighting for! But as a stepmom...we must also remember that we matter..we have voices..and we are good-hearted women. And we must never fail our hearts.
And remember, your step-children do love you. They're in pain and confusion too and sometimes we don't always act like we love you, but it's deep in our hearts.
I know I was a witch to my stepmom when I was younger, but she's the mom of my heart and always will be.
Sometimes the payoff just takes longer than we might want.
It took almost twenty years before I started sending my stepmom Mother's day cards, and I can only hope that one day my own step daughters will love me like I love her. When I was younger I was afraid to show my love for her, out of loyalty to my real mom, but eventually I grew up and realized there was enough room in my heart for both. I'm glad she held on long enough to hear it from me - I hope I'm as brave and as patient as she was.
Thank you all for your support - I appreciate it so much. I am grateful for finding 'the wicked step mom's blog', and for the information and support she, and all of you provide. If you have a blog as well, I will spend time reading through your work and comments. Cheers to all of you.
-K10ish
YOU are not along. Continue to read blogs... join communities... read books.. You will see that feeling that way is normal and also learn ways to cope with it. Don't give up! Good luck :>)
Just wanted to let you know that our blogs have a similar theme and I too know the trials of being a stepmom and 2nd wife. I have been at this for 14 years and sometimes I think the roller coaster ride will never end..
It brings me solace that we aren't alone..
Here's mine..
stepwifehood.blogspot.com
Oh my goodness, I could cry. You just put my heart in that poem. Someone actually understands how I feel.
Thank you for your poem. It made me feel not so alone. I am dealing with a sticky situation where my stepchildren's mom is doing her best to alienate her children from their father. It makes me cry to see the change in his children in the two years we have been married. I only wish that the courts would look past the lies that are told in court and try to see what is really in the best interest of the children.
It was great to find your poem. I'm a new full time step mum. First it was going fine but recently it has become more difficult, and your poem captured it perfectly. I was on the internet looking for some local support group so I could talk about all this (I couldn't find one) but finding your poem was great. It has made me realise that others feel what I feel, that it is normal. It is great to know that. Thanks
Kendylady-
I am part of some really great step-mom groups. Here are the links to two of my favs, so you can check them out.
2nd_Wives_Club
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/2nd_wives_club/
Childless Stepmoms
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ChildlessStepMoms/
Please come join us. We have a great group of women, and plenty of support.
Hope this helps
-Marie
http://twitter.com/selosmini
Sometimes I'm so tired of everything. I say one thing about my step son who is 3 and he gets very defensive and its not even a bad thing. I feel I just want to walk around like a zombie and say nothing about anything. I hate it. If I ever bring up any issues about his ex he won't talk about it and says I'm focusing too much on her, there are no problems...On HER WEEK She picks my ss up sunday evening then proceeds to drop him off EVERY MORNING of the week, I take him to daycare (we pay for daycare) or have him at home with me all day then she calls us to drop him off at her place at 5pm and it starts all over every day! Would you call that HER WEEK with her son? Our week is no contact with her except to say good night at bed time. We Do 95% of all the care and I'm sooooo sick of it! My husband is the only one who can change this but, never wants to make any waves with her but, At my expense!!! I know he truely LOVES ME but, don't know what to do!!!!!
I completely understand what you are going through. I'm a stepmom-to-be, and I never imagined it would be this hard. My fiance's son is three years old, and his ex-wife has custody. But, it seems like he is always at our house - she doesn't take responsibility for her own son, and I feel like I have to do it all myself. I love him, but I can't be his mother! It doesn't help that my fiance's mother is so meddlesome - she is obsessed with us getting custody of my stepson and she never stops talking about it, dwelling on it. If I hear his ex-wife's name one more time, I swear I'm going to go crazy!
I just had my first daughter, and I'm trying to adjust to being a mother to her. It feels like I'm not giving anyone my best, like I'm barely making it by everyday. I try not to blame it on my fiance, but I know I make it difficult for him. I feel like I might be pushing him away! This is the hardest thing I've ever dealt with - I can't imagine doing it for 15 more years! Help!
I am biased when it comes to stepmoms. I have seen the worst that a stepmother is capable of. My mother wasn't active in my life when I was a child, and my stepmother mostly raised me. She was physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive. She had something called munchausen by proxy, and fabricated situations and than took me to specialists to try and get a diagnosis.
I don't think all step mothers are bad, but I have seen a lot of horrible things happen to my peers at the hands of their step mother. I personally think that a lot of step mothers feel sorry for themselves, and struggle with jealousy towards the fact that their husband had a relationship before them that resulted in a child. I think a lot of step mothers take out this anger on their step children, especially when the step mother has children of her own and feels like her husband spends too much time with her step child. This is a broad generalization, but it happens more often than not.
Its such a relief to finally feel like there might actually be people out there who feel as lost and confused as I sometimes feel in my role as Step Mom to Be! This poem is beautiful even in its saddened state. I feel this sort of confusion alot; when She drops off the kids and they stand there, all together as a "family", I hang back, not knowing where I fit in. When I try to keep rules and order in the house, and He undermines me (sometimes unintentionally as the youngest has a habit of asking each of us the same ?? til he gets the answer he wants) I feel like I'm thrown back out of my "mom" role and I start to feel more like a babysitter, having no say or rights when "the parents" are around.
I guess what I'm trying to say is thank you to everyone on here, because reading your posts has made me feel so much better, knowing that there are other women out there who feel this way! Hang in there and hopefully with this wonderful support system we can all be the best "Step Moms" we can be.
So I'm getting married on 7/23/10, and I am a step mom to be and I just don't see how this is going to work... I feel so alone sometime and we have been arguing a lot lately, same argument every time just different versions all revolve around the kids, Please someone tell me how to handle this... I Love all three of them very much, but I just don't know where I fit in here and I'm afraid I'm making a huge mistake.
WOW! This poem is how I feel! My husband doesn't understand and could never see that I was being left out of things. We have been married for almost 2 months and have done the custody battle (she has them b/c of school) and planning a wedding. We fight more now b/c of her and things with the kids. I am constantly wondering what my role is. Sometimes I think I can't do it anymore and then I realize that I love him and them more. I hope that the period of adjustment doesn't last forever.
To Patty: you just have to keep telling him how you feel...even if you know it is going to hurt. My husband is constantly telling me that I have to tell him what is going on. And yes it is hard and I struggle with my feelings of feeling like I don't belong. You have to weigh the good and the bad.
To Patty:
you are getting married july 23rd? Congratulations! I completely understand what you are going through. I got married on march 6th, and it's been a bumpy ride. I have a 6 yr old son, and 3 step children, ages 18, 15, and 10. I am his second wife and this is my first marriage. After we got married, I became depressed thinking I had made the wrong decision. We fight alot, and it's always about the kids. They are good kids but there are always issues. My husband and I were together for 5 years, off and on before we got married, so we figured we were ready. There are always adjustments and I am always surprised at my anger that comes up. I have 50/50 custody of my son, and I have him every other week. My husband shares custody and has his kids every day, and every other weekend. So I see his kids way more than I see my own, and it makes me sad and angry sometimes. Sometimes I take it out on him, and I know it's not right.
Ladies, thank you for all your comments. This poem is amazing! It really hit the spot! That is totally how I feel. I am a step mother to be and I often feel that I don't belong. I am looking for a support group in my area but I haven't succeed on finding one. I really wish that there was somewhere for US 'caring' stepmother where we can sit and talk to people who understand us. Thank you again for your poem.
You are whatever you let yourself become. Guard your heart and do your best, so, at the end of the day you can relax and know you tried. Whatever you do, DO NOT let this stepmom thing break up your family!
Hugs
Fabulous poem. I also found it by searching for Stepmom support groups. Some days are a bigger struggle than others.
Wow the peom is chilling as it discribes EXACTLY what it feels like!
I'm a step-mom of 2 girls 20 and 23 who both still live at home.
My boyfriend has been amazing in helping me cope, but at the end of the day they are still his daughters.
They have both been through alot, but it's hard not to think "get over it already", and try to deal with life and move on.
I have been there as much as humanily possibly the best way I know how. I'm not a parent, so I only try and instill the values that my parents brought taught me.
Anyhow, just needed to share.
I have 2 children 11yrs & 7yrs old (that i did not give birth to) 1 4yr old (thats biologically mine) and am 20 weeks pregnant with OUR 4th child. This is the standing in our home. Both my husband and I were raised with 2 older half siblings so we get how genetics work but we also understand how FAMILY works. WE have 3 children with a 4th on the way. My husbands very understanding of my situation (he has no similar problem since my bio-son has no bio-father to contend with) and does everything he can to establish our family. The oldest two understand they have 2 homes and 2 families. My tiny hurts from my oldest son is nothing i didnt expect. Its the huge warfare going on over at their bio-moms house. From the beginning shes tried to push that her & my husband are still their "family" (in a singular way) and that my son and I are "extras" she even called her own husband at the time an "extra" (their now divorced) and told them as long as she & my husband show up to important things thats all that matters since that is their family. Mind you these are the nicest things shes had to say about the situation. My kids understand what real family means and im proud of them for it but why am I supposed to feel like an "extra" when i constantly have to remind her to pay her side of things so the kids can participate in sports and when she spends $40-$100 on booze a month $50- $70 on cigerattes a month and then buys Little Caesars 3x a week and trys to make it stretch out because she tells the kids shes poor. -Now she told the kids shes going to try and get full custody of them in a few months and not to tell us about it... Im supposed to feel like shes more their mom then I am...?
I dont. It hurts when the kids are still loyal to her but I understand why and I know that one day years from now their gonna look back and see what really happened. Until then its just my husband and I doing what we believe is best... and the occasional emotional breakdown in his arms.
That poem was amazing! Wow! I am so relieved to know that I am not alone . I struggle with all of the issues mentioned . I am starting counseling next week!
I am a step-mother to be. I have a bio-daughter and a step-son. We are planning to get married 7/3/11. We have been together for almost 2 1/2 yrs and have been living together for 2 yrs. I was accepting of his son and his ex in the beginning. The ex is a recovering alcoholic and somehow we couldn't get custody. My daughter and him started to not get along and ss grandmother would pay less attention to my daughter. As a result of the series of events, I have grown and am experiencing all types of emotions. Hurt, anger, jealousy and resentment. I'm not sure if I should marry this man. I don't want to live a life where I'm bipolar going up and down. I'm not sure if what we have is enough to work through all this. I'm afraid its not going to get better. I don't even like being in my own skin because I feel terrible about myself for these feelings. I get the children are innocent bystanders, but I can't seem to love him unconditionally. I don't know what to do and how to get rid of these feelings.
its kind of comforting to know im not the only one who feels this way. the people around me never seem to understand or sympathize when im hurting and feeling alone because of this. its such a painful loneliness. you want to love them as your own but they arent. and they already have their own. and its not you.
Wow! So many of us out there who feel alone. Isn't that amazing. I am in Ohio if there are others out my way I would like to keep in touch. Also if anyone wants advice or just an ear I am here. earthgem@live.com
I cried, I feel like this all the time. What do we do? I get the kids off to school every Thursday and Friday. Since we live in cold weather I insist that they wear jackets, hats, and gloves (the youngest is 8) All I hear is my mom does not make me wear this. This mom is not the most attentive mom and thought it would be great to have another child with her new boyfriend...this makes five children. I love them like they are my own but I get slack at every step and sometimes it is from their dad. I feel alone too. I go to every game, play, concert, I even joined girs scouts so I could help at GS camp and overnight outtings (their mom has not done much of any of this) So, I put on a brave face and keep going, wondering if the kids love me back or even like me. I give everything I have to give and feel so like I am not doing enough. While their mom who barely does anything for them gets all the rewards....sucks!
Feel like I could have written this word for word . It's comforting that I'm not alone but really sucks that anyone else has to feel this . Ugh - solidarity sister !
I raise my step daughter spent so much time and effort. Mother was a dead beat so she put all work on me and my husband for the first 13 years. After she no longer needed child care, she manipulated my step daughter into hating us. My step daughter no longer communicate with us. I have not heard from in three years. She does not keep in contact with her siblings. I raised her since she was one. I have all her baby pics. I thought she looked them over and remember how happy she was birthday parties, Disney World trips, camps. Yes, I hollered and screamed and Lost my temper but I did the same to my own children so she did not understand my love was equal. I really resent her now. I will not help pay or help her with college. I hope her mother never call us again. Step parents is a thankless Job. Sorry I can not be positive. I guess I hate the fact she has not called her siblings ( selfish)
OMG... It is extremely hard and just like there isnt a parent manual, there isnt a step parent manual. I completely understand your situation. I am a step mom to be to a three year old as well and have an 8 week old baby girl.
My issue isn't having to take care of step daughter but that my fiance let's her do as she pleases, has no rules or routine for her and it causes so much stress in our home I don't know how to deal with it.
The worse part of it all is that now that we have our baby girl, he does not even pay the baby any attention, nor does he help me with baby when his other daughter is here (6 days every 2 weeks which is a cnsiderable amount of time) and makes me feel like a single mom and angry at him for not treating my child the same.
Our families are from Puerto Rico, my mom planned a trip to a beach house and has gifted us tickets and a stay at the beaxh jouse for a week because she knows what I am going through and wanted us to have some time to spend as a couple and also time to introduce our baby to our families. As soon as I told him about the trip, he said he wanted to take his daughter and began a stressful struggle with her mom asking that she allow her to go with us. He and his ex took their daughter to PR when she was small to introduce her to family. Now, our hole trip, his daughter will be hanging on to his leg and yelling if she vant get her way... I am so angry and frustrated i am strong enough to survive this because I feel out of breath and out of strength.
If he doesn't start to treat my baby as he does my step dauhter, this will not work as I cannot stand to see how he ignores the baby when my step daughter is here. We are not a family and that is not the way i want to spend my life.
Ahhhh... I had to let that out!!!
When I say we are not a family is because I want us to be a close family, the 4 of us with rules so our daughters are brought up with boundaries and healthy and with some structure... With lots of love and some spoiling sometimes :-). With both feeling treated equally. Why is it so hard?????
I loved the poem! It's exactly how I'm feeling right now. I'm a soon to be step mom and a little scared. None of my friends have been through this, so I don't have anyone to vent to who understands. I'm glad I found this blog...
All I can say is I am so happy I have finally found people I can relate to. For almost 3 years I have been soldiering on trying to see where I fit into all of this.
I could write forever and it still would not be enough. 3 years of built up anger, hurt, resentment, feelings of helplessness..it's like a dam ready to burst. I have friends I have spoken to, but i'm the only step parent I know of, so no one really understands what it's like for me. It is never just black and white for a step parent. And unfortunately my situation is a little different in that my partner remained friends with his ex and her family, so to ensure the peace for the sake of our adorable little girl, I had to become friends with them too.
My partner never seems to fully understand what it's like in my shoes. His ex is too self involved to ever think how her actions affect me.
Without sounding too righteous, but, my sd has been better off since I came into her life. Because I gave her time, consistancy and love.
But it IS so hard to love a child that is not your own, like your own. To put in, beyond the call, effort to raise her to be a happy, healthy, confident little girl. To be the one she can rely on. But not get a say in her life. To have to sit at the back for all the important parts. To have to allow the credit to go to her mother (when it shouldn't). To get insulted by her mother and have to hold my tongue because it's not my place to tell her exactly how I feel and off which cliff I think she should jump......
I'm just so tired.
I needed to have this vent to people who can understand. So thank you lol.
You made me cry. It is as if you expressed what I feel at this very moment. I feel oh so alone as if whatever I need or say is not important.
Okay so my situation is a little different...."technically" I'm a step mom but in reality I'm his mother. Ice been raising him since he was a year old and his birth mother is in and out he actually has no idea who she is. I'm having a really hard time dealing with all that comes along with being a mother and the emotions of a step mother. I have no one who could even begging to understand my situation. That's why I'm here I'm hoping to find someone to vent with and help me learn how to handle everything I'm going through...
Pr a friends suggestion i am desperate for support.then I saw the poem.want to cry as i had no idea someone would understand the pain of being a step mother.ive been in for such a fight.i have two step daughters.i have no idea where I fit in anymore.they talk about their mom and dad as if I'm just a third wheel.their mom wasn't even around for years when I first married my husband.i was always the mom.then their bio mom took us to court and said she wanted them back one day.she doesn't even have a place to live.still, they go with her every other weekend.and now the girls have changed so much.i don't know who I am to them anymore and our family is broken.i loved them so much and hate every minute of being a step mom.i can't stand being the one who foots the bill and does all the showing up and commuting while they secretly long and love to be with their mom.hurts so badly.broken hearted and relieved I'm not alone.
StepCarefully for stepparents is a great resource and support. You can look them up on Facebook or visit their website www.stepcarefully.com
The poem detailed every confusing emotion I am experiencing at the moment. And here I thought I was alone in my feelings of sheer crazy love for a child that will never be mine. And no matter how much this gorgeous child is hurt and disappointed by his mom, he will always love her more. Its a very vulnerable place to be. Thank you for sharing your heart.
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