Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Stepmom to Stepmom: A Call for Support

A reader and stepmom-to-be, K10ish, needs some advice and support.

She writes:
"I think I may be at my 'step mom to be' limit. Who do we talk to?"

The following poem of hers is thoughtful, insightful, and touched deep into the heart of my own struggles as a Stepmom, as I'm sure it will for some of you. Please help K10ish know that she is not alone. Leave your comments here or on her lovely blog: Hindsight, Relationships and Looking Inside Me.

The Sub

In the shadow

never THE mom

or THE dad

just the substitute.

Love like they are your own

honest and pure

You are not their own

They have their own.

On the bench.

That's where you sit

You are not the first string.

It's OK for a while, it's not a competition.

It's your heart.

Your love.

This is your ready made family.

And it's not yours.

It's theirs. Their Mom. Their Dad.

But divorced.

Extra wheel.

That's you. That's me.

You only need an extra wheel

When the others aren't good.

But just for a little while.

You are easily replaced.

You are not one of them.

Can anyone see this but me?

Who do you talk to?

How do you discuss your pain?

What do you do with your hurt?

When they all stand together in one place

it's random, a birthday party, a school conference

where do you stand.



jennydecki said...

You find other stepmoms (I'm a former stepmom...um...current...um...well...special situation stepmom here I guess) and pick up the phone so it's not all in your head anymore, even writing it down isn't enough. You need to be able to vent with your voice. (In my opinion, of course...some people might do better writing...but I don't feel the feeling is "out of me" unless its verbally expressed.)

My phone number is on my webpage. I'm sure a "real, current" stepmom or stepmom-to-be would be happy to talk to you as well.

It's about having your team that's not part of THE team. You aren't alone. It's a special kind of heartache, but its one that others understand!

Anonymous said...

i completely understand how you feel. Like the previous poster said, you've gotta find your OWN team. We are out there. Step-mothers and step-mothers-to-be have ALL gone through this pain of sort of being "in limbo". It's important to remember we are NOT alone and to seek support with others in the same boat.

stepmamadrama said...

Until a few weeks ago I felt alone. My friends tried to support me with a pat on the back and a kind word here or there. I could tell that they didn't quite know how to be empathetic to my situation.
I started to discover other blogs, and started to search for others in my situation.I was amazed. I have not felt alone ever since. We are not alone...there are countless stepmothers out there to give us strength and true understanding.
There is hope. There is peace knowing that others share your pain. I hate that it is the way it is: Fathers without rights, stepparents without a voice or any protection of the law. I just hope and pray that this will all change as we stand together and fight. As my husband would say, it's time to go to the mattresses (from the Godfather).Stand together, protect the children, and fight for what is right and for what is in their best interests. We must never forget what or who we are fighting for! But as a stepmom...we must also remember that we matter..we have voices..and we are good-hearted women. And we must never fail our hearts.

Patrysha said...

And remember, your step-children do love you. They're in pain and confusion too and sometimes we don't always act like we love you, but it's deep in our hearts.

I know I was a witch to my stepmom when I was younger, but she's the mom of my heart and always will be.

Sometimes the payoff just takes longer than we might want.

rahab said...

It took almost twenty years before I started sending my stepmom Mother's day cards, and I can only hope that one day my own step daughters will love me like I love her. When I was younger I was afraid to show my love for her, out of loyalty to my real mom, but eventually I grew up and realized there was enough room in my heart for both. I'm glad she held on long enough to hear it from me - I hope I'm as brave and as patient as she was.

K10ish said...

Thank you all for your support - I appreciate it so much. I am grateful for finding 'the wicked step mom's blog', and for the information and support she, and all of you provide. If you have a blog as well, I will spend time reading through your work and comments. Cheers to all of you.


Pamela said...

YOU are not along. Continue to read blogs... join communities... read books.. You will see that feeling that way is normal and also learn ways to cope with it. Don't give up! Good luck :>)

CoasterRide said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
CoasterRide said...

Just wanted to let you know that our blogs have a similar theme and I too know the trials of being a stepmom and 2nd wife. I have been at this for 14 years and sometimes I think the roller coaster ride will never end..

It brings me solace that we aren't alone..

Here's mine..

*Mini* said...

Oh my goodness, I could cry. You just put my heart in that poem. Someone actually understands how I feel.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your poem. It made me feel not so alone. I am dealing with a sticky situation where my stepchildren's mom is doing her best to alienate her children from their father. It makes me cry to see the change in his children in the two years we have been married. I only wish that the courts would look past the lies that are told in court and try to see what is really in the best interest of the children.

kendylady said...

It was great to find your poem. I'm a new full time step mum. First it was going fine but recently it has become more difficult, and your poem captured it perfectly. I was on the internet looking for some local support group so I could talk about all this (I couldn't find one) but finding your poem was great. It has made me realise that others feel what I feel, that it is normal. It is great to know that. Thanks

*Marie* said...


I am part of some really great step-mom groups. Here are the links to two of my favs, so you can check them out.


Childless Stepmoms

Please come join us. We have a great group of women, and plenty of support.

Hope this helps


troy said...

Sometimes I'm so tired of everything. I say one thing about my step son who is 3 and he gets very defensive and its not even a bad thing. I feel I just want to walk around like a zombie and say nothing about anything. I hate it. If I ever bring up any issues about his ex he won't talk about it and says I'm focusing too much on her, there are no problems...On HER WEEK She picks my ss up sunday evening then proceeds to drop him off EVERY MORNING of the week, I take him to daycare (we pay for daycare) or have him at home with me all day then she calls us to drop him off at her place at 5pm and it starts all over every day! Would you call that HER WEEK with her son? Our week is no contact with her except to say good night at bed time. We Do 95% of all the care and I'm sooooo sick of it! My husband is the only one who can change this but, never wants to make any waves with her but, At my expense!!! I know he truely LOVES ME but, don't know what to do!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I completely understand what you are going through. I'm a stepmom-to-be, and I never imagined it would be this hard. My fiance's son is three years old, and his ex-wife has custody. But, it seems like he is always at our house - she doesn't take responsibility for her own son, and I feel like I have to do it all myself. I love him, but I can't be his mother! It doesn't help that my fiance's mother is so meddlesome - she is obsessed with us getting custody of my stepson and she never stops talking about it, dwelling on it. If I hear his ex-wife's name one more time, I swear I'm going to go crazy!

I just had my first daughter, and I'm trying to adjust to being a mother to her. It feels like I'm not giving anyone my best, like I'm barely making it by everyday. I try not to blame it on my fiance, but I know I make it difficult for him. I feel like I might be pushing him away! This is the hardest thing I've ever dealt with - I can't imagine doing it for 15 more years! Help!

Anonymous said...

I am biased when it comes to stepmoms. I have seen the worst that a stepmother is capable of. My mother wasn't active in my life when I was a child, and my stepmother mostly raised me. She was physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive. She had something called munchausen by proxy, and fabricated situations and than took me to specialists to try and get a diagnosis.

I don't think all step mothers are bad, but I have seen a lot of horrible things happen to my peers at the hands of their step mother. I personally think that a lot of step mothers feel sorry for themselves, and struggle with jealousy towards the fact that their husband had a relationship before them that resulted in a child. I think a lot of step mothers take out this anger on their step children, especially when the step mother has children of her own and feels like her husband spends too much time with her step child. This is a broad generalization, but it happens more often than not.

k_stpmom2be said...

Its such a relief to finally feel like there might actually be people out there who feel as lost and confused as I sometimes feel in my role as Step Mom to Be! This poem is beautiful even in its saddened state. I feel this sort of confusion alot; when She drops off the kids and they stand there, all together as a "family", I hang back, not knowing where I fit in. When I try to keep rules and order in the house, and He undermines me (sometimes unintentionally as the youngest has a habit of asking each of us the same ?? til he gets the answer he wants) I feel like I'm thrown back out of my "mom" role and I start to feel more like a babysitter, having no say or rights when "the parents" are around.
I guess what I'm trying to say is thank you to everyone on here, because reading your posts has made me feel so much better, knowing that there are other women out there who feel this way! Hang in there and hopefully with this wonderful support system we can all be the best "Step Moms" we can be.

Patty said...

So I'm getting married on 7/23/10, and I am a step mom to be and I just don't see how this is going to work... I feel so alone sometime and we have been arguing a lot lately, same argument every time just different versions all revolve around the kids, Please someone tell me how to handle this... I Love all three of them very much, but I just don't know where I fit in here and I'm afraid I'm making a huge mistake.

brooke said...

WOW! This poem is how I feel! My husband doesn't understand and could never see that I was being left out of things. We have been married for almost 2 months and have done the custody battle (she has them b/c of school) and planning a wedding. We fight more now b/c of her and things with the kids. I am constantly wondering what my role is. Sometimes I think I can't do it anymore and then I realize that I love him and them more. I hope that the period of adjustment doesn't last forever.
To Patty: you just have to keep telling him how you feel...even if you know it is going to hurt. My husband is constantly telling me that I have to tell him what is going on. And yes it is hard and I struggle with my feelings of feeling like I don't belong. You have to weigh the good and the bad.

Anonymous said...

To Patty:
you are getting married july 23rd? Congratulations! I completely understand what you are going through. I got married on march 6th, and it's been a bumpy ride. I have a 6 yr old son, and 3 step children, ages 18, 15, and 10. I am his second wife and this is my first marriage. After we got married, I became depressed thinking I had made the wrong decision. We fight alot, and it's always about the kids. They are good kids but there are always issues. My husband and I were together for 5 years, off and on before we got married, so we figured we were ready. There are always adjustments and I am always surprised at my anger that comes up. I have 50/50 custody of my son, and I have him every other week. My husband shares custody and has his kids every day, and every other weekend. So I see his kids way more than I see my own, and it makes me sad and angry sometimes. Sometimes I take it out on him, and I know it's not right.

Anonymous said...

Ladies, thank you for all your comments. This poem is amazing! It really hit the spot! That is totally how I feel. I am a step mother to be and I often feel that I don't belong. I am looking for a support group in my area but I haven't succeed on finding one. I really wish that there was somewhere for US 'caring' stepmother where we can sit and talk to people who understand us. Thank you again for your poem.

Olivia~ said...

You are whatever you let yourself become. Guard your heart and do your best, so, at the end of the day you can relax and know you tried. Whatever you do, DO NOT let this stepmom thing break up your family!

Anonymous said...

Fabulous poem. I also found it by searching for Stepmom support groups. Some days are a bigger struggle than others.

Anonymous said...

Wow the peom is chilling as it discribes EXACTLY what it feels like!
I'm a step-mom of 2 girls 20 and 23 who both still live at home.

My boyfriend has been amazing in helping me cope, but at the end of the day they are still his daughters.

They have both been through alot, but it's hard not to think "get over it already", and try to deal with life and move on.

I have been there as much as humanily possibly the best way I know how. I'm not a parent, so I only try and instill the values that my parents brought taught me.

Anyhow, just needed to share.

MOMof4-NOTgetting"STEPPED"on said...

I have 2 children 11yrs & 7yrs old (that i did not give birth to) 1 4yr old (thats biologically mine) and am 20 weeks pregnant with OUR 4th child. This is the standing in our home. Both my husband and I were raised with 2 older half siblings so we get how genetics work but we also understand how FAMILY works. WE have 3 children with a 4th on the way. My husbands very understanding of my situation (he has no similar problem since my bio-son has no bio-father to contend with) and does everything he can to establish our family. The oldest two understand they have 2 homes and 2 families. My tiny hurts from my oldest son is nothing i didnt expect. Its the huge warfare going on over at their bio-moms house. From the beginning shes tried to push that her & my husband are still their "family" (in a singular way) and that my son and I are "extras" she even called her own husband at the time an "extra" (their now divorced) and told them as long as she & my husband show up to important things thats all that matters since that is their family. Mind you these are the nicest things shes had to say about the situation. My kids understand what real family means and im proud of them for it but why am I supposed to feel like an "extra" when i constantly have to remind her to pay her side of things so the kids can participate in sports and when she spends $40-$100 on booze a month $50- $70 on cigerattes a month and then buys Little Caesars 3x a week and trys to make it stretch out because she tells the kids shes poor. -Now she told the kids shes going to try and get full custody of them in a few months and not to tell us about it... Im supposed to feel like shes more their mom then I am...?
I dont. It hurts when the kids are still loyal to her but I understand why and I know that one day years from now their gonna look back and see what really happened. Until then its just my husband and I doing what we believe is best... and the occasional emotional breakdown in his arms.

Anonymous said...

That poem was amazing! Wow! I am so relieved to know that I am not alone . I struggle with all of the issues mentioned . I am starting counseling next week!

je8 said...

I am a step-mother to be. I have a bio-daughter and a step-son. We are planning to get married 7/3/11. We have been together for almost 2 1/2 yrs and have been living together for 2 yrs. I was accepting of his son and his ex in the beginning. The ex is a recovering alcoholic and somehow we couldn't get custody. My daughter and him started to not get along and ss grandmother would pay less attention to my daughter. As a result of the series of events, I have grown and am experiencing all types of emotions. Hurt, anger, jealousy and resentment. I'm not sure if I should marry this man. I don't want to live a life where I'm bipolar going up and down. I'm not sure if what we have is enough to work through all this. I'm afraid its not going to get better. I don't even like being in my own skin because I feel terrible about myself for these feelings. I get the children are innocent bystanders, but I can't seem to love him unconditionally. I don't know what to do and how to get rid of these feelings.

Anonymous said...

its kind of comforting to know im not the only one who feels this way. the people around me never seem to understand or sympathize when im hurting and feeling alone because of this. its such a painful loneliness. you want to love them as your own but they arent. and they already have their own. and its not you.

lovebitten said...

Wow! So many of us out there who feel alone. Isn't that amazing. I am in Ohio if there are others out my way I would like to keep in touch. Also if anyone wants advice or just an ear I am here. earthgem@live.com

Anonymous said...

I cried, I feel like this all the time. What do we do? I get the kids off to school every Thursday and Friday. Since we live in cold weather I insist that they wear jackets, hats, and gloves (the youngest is 8) All I hear is my mom does not make me wear this. This mom is not the most attentive mom and thought it would be great to have another child with her new boyfriend...this makes five children. I love them like they are my own but I get slack at every step and sometimes it is from their dad. I feel alone too. I go to every game, play, concert, I even joined girs scouts so I could help at GS camp and overnight outtings (their mom has not done much of any of this) So, I put on a brave face and keep going, wondering if the kids love me back or even like me. I give everything I have to give and feel so like I am not doing enough. While their mom who barely does anything for them gets all the rewards....sucks!

Anonymous said...

Feel like I could have written this word for word . It's comforting that I'm not alone but really sucks that anyone else has to feel this . Ugh - solidarity sister !

Anonymous said...

I raise my step daughter spent so much time and effort. Mother was a dead beat so she put all work on me and my husband for the first 13 years. After she no longer needed child care, she manipulated my step daughter into hating us. My step daughter no longer communicate with us. I have not heard from in three years. She does not keep in contact with her siblings. I raised her since she was one. I have all her baby pics. I thought she looked them over and remember how happy she was birthday parties, Disney World trips, camps. Yes, I hollered and screamed and Lost my temper but I did the same to my own children so she did not understand my love was equal. I really resent her now. I will not help pay or help her with college. I hope her mother never call us again. Step parents is a thankless Job. Sorry I can not be positive. I guess I hate the fact she has not called her siblings ( selfish)

Anonymous said...

OMG... It is extremely hard and just like there isnt a parent manual, there isnt a step parent manual. I completely understand your situation. I am a step mom to be to a three year old as well and have an 8 week old baby girl.
My issue isn't having to take care of step daughter but that my fiance let's her do as she pleases, has no rules or routine for her and it causes so much stress in our home I don't know how to deal with it.
The worse part of it all is that now that we have our baby girl, he does not even pay the baby any attention, nor does he help me with baby when his other daughter is here (6 days every 2 weeks which is a cnsiderable amount of time) and makes me feel like a single mom and angry at him for not treating my child the same.

Our families are from Puerto Rico, my mom planned a trip to a beach house and has gifted us tickets and a stay at the beaxh jouse for a week because she knows what I am going through and wanted us to have some time to spend as a couple and also time to introduce our baby to our families. As soon as I told him about the trip, he said he wanted to take his daughter and began a stressful struggle with her mom asking that she allow her to go with us. He and his ex took their daughter to PR when she was small to introduce her to family. Now, our hole trip, his daughter will be hanging on to his leg and yelling if she vant get her way... I am so angry and frustrated i am strong enough to survive this because I feel out of breath and out of strength.
If he doesn't start to treat my baby as he does my step dauhter, this will not work as I cannot stand to see how he ignores the baby when my step daughter is here. We are not a family and that is not the way i want to spend my life.

Ahhhh... I had to let that out!!!

Anonymous said...

When I say we are not a family is because I want us to be a close family, the 4 of us with rules so our daughters are brought up with boundaries and healthy and with some structure... With lots of love and some spoiling sometimes :-). With both feeling treated equally. Why is it so hard?????

Anonymous said...

I loved the poem! It's exactly how I'm feeling right now. I'm a soon to be step mom and a little scared. None of my friends have been through this, so I don't have anyone to vent to who understands. I'm glad I found this blog...

Anonymous said...

All I can say is I am so happy I have finally found people I can relate to. For almost 3 years I have been soldiering on trying to see where I fit into all of this.
I could write forever and it still would not be enough. 3 years of built up anger, hurt, resentment, feelings of helplessness..it's like a dam ready to burst. I have friends I have spoken to, but i'm the only step parent I know of, so no one really understands what it's like for me. It is never just black and white for a step parent. And unfortunately my situation is a little different in that my partner remained friends with his ex and her family, so to ensure the peace for the sake of our adorable little girl, I had to become friends with them too.
My partner never seems to fully understand what it's like in my shoes. His ex is too self involved to ever think how her actions affect me.
Without sounding too righteous, but, my sd has been better off since I came into her life. Because I gave her time, consistancy and love.
But it IS so hard to love a child that is not your own, like your own. To put in, beyond the call, effort to raise her to be a happy, healthy, confident little girl. To be the one she can rely on. But not get a say in her life. To have to sit at the back for all the important parts. To have to allow the credit to go to her mother (when it shouldn't). To get insulted by her mother and have to hold my tongue because it's not my place to tell her exactly how I feel and off which cliff I think she should jump......
I'm just so tired.
I needed to have this vent to people who can understand. So thank you lol.

Anonymous said...

You made me cry. It is as if you expressed what I feel at this very moment. I feel oh so alone as if whatever I need or say is not important.

Anonymous said...

Okay so my situation is a little different...."technically" I'm a step mom but in reality I'm his mother. Ice been raising him since he was a year old and his birth mother is in and out he actually has no idea who she is. I'm having a really hard time dealing with all that comes along with being a mother and the emotions of a step mother. I have no one who could even begging to understand my situation. That's why I'm here I'm hoping to find someone to vent with and help me learn how to handle everything I'm going through...

Hurting said...

Pr a friends suggestion i am desperate for support.then I saw the poem.want to cry as i had no idea someone would understand the pain of being a step mother.ive been in for such a fight.i have two step daughters.i have no idea where I fit in anymore.they talk about their mom and dad as if I'm just a third wheel.their mom wasn't even around for years when I first married my husband.i was always the mom.then their bio mom took us to court and said she wanted them back one day.she doesn't even have a place to live.still, they go with her every other weekend.and now the girls have changed so much.i don't know who I am to them anymore and our family is broken.i loved them so much and hate every minute of being a step mom.i can't stand being the one who foots the bill and does all the showing up and commuting while they secretly long and love to be with their mom.hurts so badly.broken hearted and relieved I'm not alone.

Brittney said...

StepCarefully for stepparents is a great resource and support. You can look them up on Facebook or visit their website www.stepcarefully.com

Anonymous said...

The poem detailed every confusing emotion I am experiencing at the moment. And here I thought I was alone in my feelings of sheer crazy love for a child that will never be mine. And no matter how much this gorgeous child is hurt and disappointed by his mom, he will always love her more. Its a very vulnerable place to be. Thank you for sharing your heart.

Anonymous said...

This step mom thing is crazy! One minute I'm smiling, the next minute I want to climb out of my skin! No human being should carry this frustration and pain of being involved with an ex or children from other relationship! If I knew the pain and torment I would have, I would have run far far away from anyone with small kids and the ex still Exsists! It's bad news 100%!

I love my husband so much and my SS can be sweet and funny and a great kid. It's not his fault but it very hard on me ! The Disneyland dad stuff is frustrating, the ex's crap and rudness towards me and my husband not standing up for me, the tears I've shed, lack of strength that I can no longer go on.....words can not discribe my pain.

Sunny Graydon said...

My husband and I have been fighting for shared custody of his almost 2 year old son for a year now. His ex is impossible and has minimal to no communication with him regarding his son. I've never even seen his son... We recently for rights to a supervised visitation every other weekend which is better than nothing but his child support has more than doubled and there is a fee for every supervised visitation not to mention the gas money driving 2 hours in each direction. I knew I was taking on a Stepmom role when we got involved but nothing can prepare you for the pain, suffering & helplessness that comes with the situation.
I'm now recently pregnant and afraid there will not be enough money or time for me and our baby. It's frustrating and painful to come in second! Second wife, second baby and even now, a time that is suppose to be all about me and our baby has now been taken by her too by placing this additional financial strain on us. I already make the ends meat, work 6 days a week and it seems for the rest of our lives he will only be able to take of his son and I will have to take care of me and our child.
How do I make it through this without losing myself?!

Anonymous said...

This poem is perfect. It brings me to tears. I have been trying to find a way to describe how I feel so I can tell my husband because he thinks I should be happy and it's just a choice to never let anything bother you. You should never get upset and if you do don't let it show. I can relate to each and every comment in some or all ways. It is great to read thoughts and feelings of people who understand. I have been dealing with this for 4 years with NO ONE to talk too. I am a stepmom to two boys who have different moms. Just reading people's comments has lifted my heart.

Anonymous said...

I feel like I need to express things verbally too. -only there's nobody to listen. Nobody who "gets it" anyway. I feel like only a stepmom would understand.
I joined websites like
Twitter: #twitterstepmoms

But I feel like advice is lacking. We need stepmom friends. We need advice from others.
If you are a struggling stepmom and want to connect

StepMimi said...

A while back I began dating a man with a three year old daughter. At first, I was perfectly okay with that - until we took her out one weekend to the annual State Fair here. She threw a fit and had to have her way, so I was a bit annoyed. I eventually got over that and was fine once more. Then her mother began being a super witch. I had her on facebook, and I was very kind to her, yet she blocked me from seeing my soon-to-be step daughter's pictures. (Keep in mind it was through custom settings. How childish of a person ten years older than me! Also, she is three years older than my hubby-to-be.)

I finally deleted her off of facebook so she couldn't creep on my things because I didn't want to go through the childish games of custom blocking. I find that to be super childish. (Hence, I'm the twenty-one year old. She's thirty-one. Wow.)

Anyway! I really needed somewhere to vent about this subject, and I came across this blog (and poem). I enjoyed the poem and the majority of the comments really helped me figure out that others CAN and DO relate to me.

Only, here's my problem:
I feel so, so incredibly resentful some days. I love my soon-to-be hubby so much, and I love his daughter, too, BUT I often find myself questioning things:

A) Will he love our children (whenever we have them) just as much as he loves his daughter?

B) Will he make a difference between his daughter and our children?

C) Will he step in if "baby momma" runs her mouth and starts her drama?

D) Are these feelings natural as a step-mom to be?

Like I mentioned, some days I feel incredibly resentful. I feel terrible for feeling that way, but I notice it's so much worse whenever we're at his daughters games and her mother's there. Her mother makes it a point to come around and flaunt her ugly self. (Not trying to sound full of myself, but I'm one heck of an upgrade for him. I don't even know how she got him to begin with, but she is fuuuugly - inside and out!)

I'm also afraid that it's going to get even worst because he and I are trying to save money for our life - to build us a really, really nice home, etc. His ex (they were never married, thankfully) is VERY money hungry! He had over $200,000 whenever he met her, and within a few years he was constantly over drafted because she blew all of the money. He's finally financially stable again and has great credit! I'm afraid that she's going to be an even bigger bitch over child support - and the thing is, she doesn't even use it for the baby! She uses it for her stupid self! that's what also pisses me off so badly that I can't stand it!

Does anyone have any suggestions for me? Or, does/has anyone else feel/felt this way? I need advice on all of this. I know it's practically a novel, but I've held so much of this in for awhile now. I couldn't contain it any longer without bursting! :'(

Consuelo Lopez said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
New step momma said...

I love my husband but his kids...Well not so much at times and I feel horrible about this. I can't really talk to my girlfriends because they are either single or have their own biological kids, and they would probably judge me for my feelings. I definitely can't say anything to my husband because it would hurt him deeply. The kids are still 6& 7 so I dread the next 12 years until they are off to college. We don't even have them full time and I feel the depression coming on when I know they are on their way. I feel alone and sometimes I feel I should just run way and leave to a yoga ashram or something. I need a support group badly!

missM said...

Wow this is all exactly how I feel!! Im so glad that I have found this blog.
I don't have any kids of my own, but my partner has a 9 year old son. We all get along fine, I get along with the ex and son fine but I get so sick of our whole lives revolving around what was his 'previous' life.
I didn't choose to have a child yet I make so many sacrifices for his, and feel like whenever I bring up the things that frustrate me about SS he thinks I am just having a go at him. Sometimes I just cant bear to be around them in the house and I feel awful saying it, but clearly theres others that feel the same. I love them both but struggle constantly and just don't know whether Im better off sticking it out or just cutting my losses and leaving. I don't want to feel this frustration forever, and feel alone in it.

MissM said...

New Step momma...
I feel exactly the same, I hate that I feel resentful but you sometimes just cant help it. I have been desparatly trying to find support groups locally and there is just nothing. There is support groups for everything but this it seems although it is such a common situation

Anonymous said...

I'm a 25yr old mother of two... 10yr old girl, and 1yr old son... technicall I guess I'm. A step mom...I've been with my fiance since I was 16 and he had a one year old daughter who at the time stayed with her mother. We saw her often between when she was 1-3 then one day mom said come get her and we have had her ever since... bio mom is a meth addict so she rarely saw her never had a place to live.... so i was there and did all the mom things... but never talked bad about her, never asked her to csll me mom... but bio mom hasn't called or seen her in 5 years... so i became mom... she asked one day if it will be ok if she called me mom... my heart melted of course. .. and dad works a lot so i wwas always the one there, so he told me to step up be just as involved in her life as him in every aspect. .. so i did i never once thought of my self as a step mom never not once.... until now shes ten and acting out and all the sudden im the evil step mom and everyone thinks i should take a step back.... do all the b.s. thankless mom stuff get disrespected and should not punish her... dad will deal when he gets home..... im so freaking lost ive never been so sad and destroyed in my life.... we've been through so much and all i think about is leaving. ... im a prisoner in my own home to my own daughter or step daughter whatever we are..,. Shes playing her dad against me for no reason and its working. ... no one understands me i feel like

laura said...

I have no idea when this was posted because I don't see a date but this is totally my experience. It's like I wrote this post! !

laura said...

Don't know when this was posted since there is no date! I know so many of these feelings! Feel free to email me. I don't know anyone else with these issues!! :(

laura said...

I feel exactly the same way!! Are things any better for you??

laura said...

Yes!! I hear what you're saying about how your lives revolve around his "prior life". And how you didn't choose to have this child but you make so many sacrifices. I know those feelings too well...

Anonymous said...

I don't even have the right to post here because I'm not a stepmom, just a girlfriend of a father. I don't know where else to turn. The feelings I have feel so ugly and even talking to friends and family doesn't seem to help. I find myself minimizing how I feel or when I truly talk about it, and receive reassuring feedback from others, I still feel just as bad. I'm really hurting. My boyfriend is a great father (technically stepfather) to a 20 year old girl from a previous marriage. He did a great job keeping in touch with her as much as he could after he divorced her mother. Just recently she went through some mental health issues and moved from out of state to live with his parents (her grandparents)to the state we live in. In a way I would have always judged others in my current shoes, I couldn't believe I was feeling it myself but I was overwhelmed by jealousy and resentment, envy. It came out badly and we took some time a part. I apologize to him and his family, but I know the envy still remains. She is nothing but a sweet and kind girl who is just trying to better her life, so why do I feel so much pain about the situation? So much resentment?

The few times we have met we have been nothing but nice to one another, she is kinder than she needs to be towards me I know. My boyfriend has told her how I felt in the past and when I was first meeting her after her move to our state, I believe she even went out of her way to make me feel welcome. He and I recently got into an argument and he uninvited me to our weekend getaway because it would also include his daughter and friends. The night before he had told them about our argument and a friend, as well as his daughter, expressed they hoped I wouldn't come. In that moment, according to him, he changed his mind about me coming. It was my birthday weekend. I feel so hurt and confused, I know its my time to leave the situation because I'm only hurting others. How do I let my anger go? I don't want to feel this poison.

Anonymous said...

When I became a stepmom it was a full blown role. My husband had gotten custody of his son (10 at the time) but he worked nights. So I was with my stepson all the time. I helped with homework, fixed him dinner, made sure he bathed, and went to bed on time. I was also the one who got him up on the morning and made sure he had breakfast. Recently, the tides have changed. My husband works the same "normal" hours that I do now and he feels like I should lay off some. But after taking care of someone and having a certain role for 3 years it's hard to stop cold turkey. Not to mention that he doesn't know the ropes of the routine we've had not does he enforce it. So all this makes me look like the critic and bad guy, or should I say "wicked step mom." With all this being said mine and my stepsons relationship has suffered. He gets an attitude any time I try to talk to him or makes comments to other people about me having no authority over him; however, I do not want to replace or be his mom. My husband says that all this anger is from him becoming a teenager but all I want is respect, is that too much to ask for? Any advice welcome.