Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Parenting Tip: Mind Your KEYS and Q's

(*Updated to add photo below.)

Never leave your car keys in the ignition, even if you are parked in a friend's driveway;

But... if you DO leave your keys in the ignition while parked in a friend's driveway, NEVER let your toddler escape from your clutches and jump into the DRIVER'S SEAT while you are rushing to get home because HOLY FUCKITY FUCK your brother's school bus is coming in LESS THAN an hour and we are at least 40 minutes away from home!!!!!;

But... if your toddler DOES escape from your clutches while the keys are in your car's ignition, ALWAYS make sure your car doors are UNlocked before you retrieve the little shit button-pushing-escape-artist and strap her back into her car seat and then CLOSE.THE.DOOR thereby LOCKING said toddler in your car;

(BONUS PARENTHETICAL TIP: It would also be helpful if you plot the sun's path ahead of time so you can make sure your car is NOT parked in the BLAZING SUN in off chance that you DO to lock your toddler in your car with the keys in the ignition 45 minutes before you are supposed to be home for the school bus;)

And... if you DO lock your toddler in the car (in the BLAZING SUN) with the keys in the ignition, do not ALSO lock your cell phone in with her because you will need it to make frantic phone calls to ALL of your neighbors as you desperately try to find someone to retrieve your kindergartener off the school bus;

AND... if you DO lock your toddler AND your cell phone in your car, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY do NOT lock your camera in with them because teh internetz will need pictures to go along with your blog post!!;

AND!!!!... if you DO lock your toddler and cell phone and camera in your car remember to be gracious and thank the nice police officers who were subjected to the repeated phone calls from your panicked BFF pleading that they "PLEAAAASSEEE HURRY UP IT'S HOT IN THE CAR!!!!!";

(Even if they DID drive right past her block with their lights and sirens blaring as if to torment you just a *little* bit longer for being such a moron as to lock your toddler in your car with the keys in the ignition;)

(And ESPECIALLY EVEN if one of them flashes you a look of condescension that spoke volumes as to what he really thought of your stellar parenting skillz.)

Thank you officers. 
My sweaty, heat-flushed toddler thanks you.

I was locked in my Mom's car and all she got was this stupid AFTER-photo.


Lani said...

Oh my gosh, that is hysterical (frightening, but hysterical). You are an awesome storyteller :)

The Spunky Mommy said...

Oh, when you were talking about this on twitter (I'm @myjezi) I felt SO BAD but knowing the back story I am laughing. Glad you are (ahem) laughing now too. I'm happy my little man isn't able to escape yet - but any day now he's going to. Very scary. Thanks for sharing.

Sprite said...

Awww, honey. That had to suck! But! You make it sound so funny. Glad both kidlet and you survived. (do you think she'll make her 13th birthday w/o visiting a girls home for a weekend? *grins*)

Anonymous said...

That is funny. Brilliant.

mathcutie said...

Thanks for all the wonderful advice. You're a damn poet!

Wicked Stepmom said...

Thanks, all. :)

It sucked, but it could have been so much worse. At least we were in my girlfriend's driveway so I could make calls from her house and still watch Gretel in the driveway. In total, she was probably only locked in there for 20 minutes... it felt like an eternity, though!

Maternal Mirth said...

Your tips are logged into my parenting handbook for future reference. :)