Monday, July 21, 2008

Thank You for Smoking

There is nothing worse than a reformed smoker.
I admit it. I do.
I can't stand to be within 5 miles of the nastiness.
I can smell it on your clothes, on MY clothes after I've been in your house, on your breath, even your fingers if you get too close to me.
And yes I *do* judge you.
I stand upon my soap box and lecture for hours on end the evils of your way.
Your teeth are yellow. You have premature wrinkles. You do not look cool or attractive AT ALL.
Why would you want to do that to yourself? To your family?
(On the inside.)
(Except for my husband who is bad at hiding it and despite being caught and confronted years ago still refuses to officially admit his weakness to me. *Him* I will scream at OUT LOUD.)

I have recently found myself feeling the same judgment when I read some other stepmom blogs.
(No... not *your* blog silly. Someone else's blog.)
I see these Moms going through the same power struggles as I did, getting upset over the same trivial stuff and wonder WHY OH WHY! are they allowing themselves to sink down to that level?!
The whining. The justifications as to why they are BETTER than their stepkids' BioMom. The blaming of BioMom for ALL of their troubles.
I bring out my soap box again and yell at my computer screen OMG, GET OVER IT ALREADY!

And then I remember...

While I hope it is much less in frequency than it used to be, I do the same thing.
Fuck this blog was nothing but one giant BITCHFEST in the beginning.
It was is my place to vent. Safely. Without judgement.
And it's the reason I have been able to find my way and figure out how to cope with my situation with Maleficent.
I don't know if I have it figured out for good, but I've got it FOR NOW.
I eventually reached a point when I was tired of being angry all the time. Tired of laying the blame on a person whose actions I could not control.
This blog is how I was able to reach the conclusion that I cannot control Maleficent.
But I CAN control my reaction to her.
Where I became committed to making this work (l'est I become committed!)
Where I made the first steps to reach out to her.
To establish communication. Try to allow her to get to know me.
And where I stood up for myself while validating her role as Cinderella's mother.
I know I was able to do this through the support and understanding of other Stepmoms.
Those who have "been there, done that" and those who are struggling to find there way.
They You all knew that I needed to vent. That I did not need a judgmental lecture.
You listened and offered your gentle support and advice. You let me know I was not alone and that my feelings were normal and that I was doing a good job (even if I didn't think so).

So, thanks for the refreshing reminder of what it was like for me and of how far I've come.
You will get there too, one day.
You *will* get there TOO.
Be it by reaching out, detaching, or some other method that I have yet to discover.

Anyone have a light?


Lani said...

:: hugs :: have I told you lately how awesome your blog is? I'll be here to support you if you ever need to vent, and I'll always tune in to hear you rant!

mathcutie said...

::hugs:: On the flip side, I love my son's stepmom and I would be the one most upset if she and ex ever split.

Wicked Stepmom said...

Thanks, ladies!

mathcutie - You are an awesome BioMom, and so lucky to have such a positive relationship with your kid's Stepmom.

Maternal Mirth said...

Ooooh ... you just made me want a ciggie so bad for the 1st time in 5 years!!!

Smirking Cat said...

There does seem to be a learning curve, or an emotion it what you like, there's some "I can't believe this shit" ranting at the beginning, then eventually you are exhausted from the anger and frustration, and then *ding* there is an awakening as to how much energy you are wasting on something you cannot control. At least that was my is a relief to reach the point that I only take responsibility for my actions.

Mrs. H said...

Fabulous Post!

I remember reading some blogs like yours and The DHX and thinking, "must be nice."

About a year ago I got tired of the life being sucked out of me by all the BS. While I don't know that I have come as far as you, my outlook (and posts) have changed a great deal over the past year.

I still need a place to vent when all of it becomes too much, but I am finding that even when I do need to vent, I am more willing to admit my own contribution to the chaos than I used to be.

Still, there are those days when my hormone levels are too high, or I'm too tired, or the kids are making me so nuts I'm ready to start tossing them out the window---that I write an emotion driven rant. The way I see it, better on my blog than out of my mouth at some member of my family.

It always made me nuts when people left condescending comments like "you have a long way to go, but I'm pulling for you." Now, when I see other stepmoms going through something I have already conquered, I simply try to be supportive and know in the back of my mind that while they approach is not the ideal, it is the ideal for them at that moment, because it is where they are at.

There truly are stages and steps to gaining peace, and it is difficult to get there if you skip any of them.

(Sorry for the long reply!)

Wicked Stepmom said...

Mrs. H - Are you kidding? That's a great post... thanks for reading, supporting and commenting. :)

Crys said...

This entry alone really just made my day. I'm really completely new to the world of being a stepmom - or anything close to a mom matter of fact - but this entry really just did it for me. I laughed and felt oh so much better all at the same time. I hope that one day I'll find my comfort level in dealing with She Who Must Not Be Named. :)

**me** said...

Just happened on your blog googling. This post alone stands out to me. Thank you! I feel the feelings you have below...

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure where I should be posting. I'm a new step-mom, mother of my own two teens, and I am having trouble feeling kind toward my step-kids. I compare them to my kids when they were their ages, etc. They fight all the time, and their dad doesn't discipline them as much as I think he should. I don't know if this is the spot to be talking about this, but if not, could you direct me to the right place? Thanks, and I enjoyed reading your posts.

Cricky (Who Is More Than Just A Girl) said...

somedays I am totally over letting Kelly's BioMom suck me dry. Other days I have to blog it out so that I don't kill her.