Sunday, June 3, 2007

Along Came a Spider...

IN. MY. PANTS!

While I was WEARING them!

Holymotheroffuckityfuck.

I shit you not.

LOOK!


'Ello, beastie.

How did I find it? Well, it went something like this.

Get dressed. Decide to wear almost-too-tight stretch capri jeans because it's warm but not warm enough for shorts and the lack of full length mirrors in our case allow me to perpetuate the myth that I am truly still a size 8.

Come downstairs to do some blogging and Twittering (and we all know how long THAT can take... 5 minutes, right???).

Go back upstairs to tend to ignored children.

Put Gretel down for her nap.

Walk around aimlessly picking up toys, tidying up, blahblah whatever.

Feel something kinda scratchy, kinda itchy on my inner thigh.

Determine it feels almost like a loose end to one of those thin-plastic-tag-holder-on thingies.

Scratch at itchy thigh area and tug a little at almost-too-tight capris to try to adjust whatever-it-is that is causing my discomfort.

Feel THROUGH THE JEANS a small bump beneath the fabric.
Hmm...

(Take a moment to quickly go through my head the small handful of things that could possibly be substantial enough to be felt through denim.)

(Feel panic start to set in.)

Casually undo button and zipper and s-l-o-w-l-y peel almost-too-tight capris downward so the insides turn outward because I know that if this itchy/scratchy thing is what I think it is I am going to want IT as far away from ME as possible and will need easy access to the thing that I am hoping it's not in order to brush it away.

Then I see it. On the inside of my almost-too-tight capris.

BIG. BLACK. And it starts RUNNING.

DOWN.

BACK INTO MY PANTS.

Fuckityfuckohhellnoyoudon't!

Quick flick. Leap out of almost-too-tight capris in a single bound. Find still stunned spider on floor. Grab toddler cup toy thing to cover and trap it.

Inspect my leg and see that the spider paired with the almost-too-tight capri jeans left a mark.

A mark!

On my tender thigh flesh!

Run back and forth though my house in my skivvies searching for my digital camera b/c OMG this would make a great blog post!

And here it is...



And just in case you forgot what it was that made the indentation...




7 comments:

bizzybee said...

Are you sure it didn't bite you? Be careful. I had what turned out to be a brown recluse spider bite on the back of my knee a few years ago. Didn't feel when it happened. I was bent down in the garden, & felt something itchy in the crook of my knee. He was trapped there. I just brushed the spider off my leg. Later had achy flu-like symptoms. Just thought I had the flu. A few days later, things started getting itchy. Next came the deep, nasty, pus-filled cavern in my flesh. My aunt looked at it & proclaimed that it looked like my adult cousin's bite from a brown recluse. He was very sick & hospitalized with his. Not trying to scare you. Just be cautious if you feel feverish or achy. I was able to treat mine with peroxide and neosporin, but I still have a scar. If you really want to have fun, google images of brown recluse bites. Icky!
Funny post!
bizzybee

matt charron said...

If that's the actual spider, please go to the doctor. Note the nasty looking "face" on its abdomen.

Anonymous said...

You could try looking it up at whatsthatbug.com. I was going to look it up out of curiosity but I can't look at that many pictures of spiders and still sleep tonight. G'luck.

BTW - I would totally freak out if I had that in my pants.

Lollyb

Maternal Mirth said...

Are you happy to see us or is that a spider in your pants? LOL :)

Soooooo sorry that happened to you, I would have fainted. BUT I sooooo would have blogged about that kind of trauma after I came-to.

Kat said...

OMG...I have the chills! I can't believe that happened to you!

B. Goldenwood said...

Holy CRAP. I'm scarred forever! I can only imagine what you are going through! How do you even get dressed after that?

Second said...

OMG - I don't know if you see these later but OMG!! I had to just say I would have died. As a total arachnophobe I would have had a heart attack and died. I have been in "near" car accidents to prevent microscopic spiders from getting to close to my body! Had it been me in your pants I would be dead, likely from not only the shock of the spider but the delight at wedging myself into a size 8! mad props to you!