Stepmom to Stepmom: A Call for Support

A reader and stepmom-to-be, K10ish, needs some advice and support.

She writes: "I think I may be at my 'step mom to be' limit. Who do we talk to?"

The following poem of hers is thoughtful, insightful, and touched deep into the heart of my own struggles as a Stepmom, as I'm sure it will for some of you. Please help K10ish know that she is not alone. Leave your comments here or on her lovely blog: Hindsight, Relationships and Looking Inside Me.

The Sub

In the shadow

never THE mom

or THE dad

just the substitute.

Love like they are your own

honest and pure

You are not their own

They have their own.

On the bench.

That's where you sit

You are not the first string.

It's OK for a while, it's not a competition.

It's your heart.

Your love.

This is your ready made family.

And it's not yours.

It's theirs. Their Mom. Their Dad.

But divorced.

Extra wheel.

That's you. That's me.

You only need an extra wheel

When the others aren't good.

But just for a little while.

You are easily replaced.

You are not one of them.

Can anyone see this but me?

Who do you talk to?

How do you discuss your pain?

What do you do with your hurt?

When they all stand together in one place

it's random, a birthday party, a school conference

where do you stand.

Alone.

Tripping Up Along The Holiday Shuffle

Scheduling holiday visits with family was sometimes a major PITA, even though I made it look easy in this post. Remembering where Cinderella would be proved challenging at times.

(Prince Charming and Maleficent used to alternate Christmas Eve/Christmas Day and other holidays every year.)

I tried to keep things straight by writing this stuff down on every calendar we owned but, inevitably, Cinderella would miss out on seeing someone (and vice versa) b/c their schedule just didn't match up with ours.
(And... sometimes b/c the custody/visitation schedule was thrown OFF-schedule b/c someone couldn't accommodate their visitation time and requested a switch in days. *ahem* )
When Prince Charming was granted full custody two years ago, the custody document was adjusted once again in an effort to make it easier for all involved.
Cinderella would now be with us EVERY Christmas Eve.
Maleficent would get her EVERY Christmas Day from 12 Noon until December 28th where Cinderella would be returned home and remain through New Years and until the end of her holiday break (upon which the regular visitations schedule would resume).
Easy right?
Now we KNOW to plan our family get-togethers every Christmas Eve so Cinderella never again has to miss out!, we happily proclaimed then.
And yet, somewhere amidst the baking and decorating and shopping and wrapping we tripped up.
We forgot to plan for Christmas Eve and went right along with scheduling parents, step-parents, extended family visits for Christmas Day.
DUH!
Once again, Cinderella missed out on seeing them.
Once again, they missed out on seeing her.
We suck. I know it. She knows it.
As much as I tried to downplay it, she knows they were here. Her face showed her disappointment.
Disappointment that was short-lived and all-but disappeared once she opened the presents they left for her... but still IT WAS THERE.
Try as we might, holidays may never be "perfect" when stepchildren are involved.
(My parents made it look easy but that could be b/c they didn't come from divorced parents so didn't have the added challenge of scheduling time with their own "steps.")
As Stepparents, we can only do our best to establish traditions and rituals that will hopefully create happy memories for our skids and that will not leave them feeling left-out or that they somehow missed out.
With each new year and with each experience comes a chance to do better.
Next year, Cinderella, we WILL do better.

Santa Has a Sense of Humor

My very own Maleficent to do with what I wish.
(Too bad it's not a VooDoo doll.)

StepChild's Bill of Rights

Years ago I was given a "Bill of Rights" statement from one of Cinderella's past therapists, which was meant to help us teach her about speaking up for herself and understanding that she does not have to tolerate her mother's verbal diarrhea. It's linked here.

I also stumbled across the following while doing some research and, though laced with negative undertones directed at wicked Stepparent behavior, I decided to post it as a way of showing how actions (spoken and unspoken) can affect the tender balance of the Stepparent/stepchild relationship.

The StepChild’s Bill of Rights

1. A stepchild will be allowed to have a voice in family discussions. This does not mean the child's wants and needs are paramount but that they must be considered.
2. A stepchild has the right to respectfully state his or her feelings and to have those feelings respected.
3. A stepchild under the age of majority shall have the right to a fair set of rules that apply equally to stepchild and bio child.
5. A stepchild will not be responsible for housework and other chores that are not distributed equally and fairly. Ditto punishment.
6. A stepchild has a right to private space, and to expect that others will not take or use any of his or her possessions without asking permission.
7. A stepchild will NEVER be treated as a second-class citizen in his or her own home, nor will he or she be made to feel as if he or she is an intruder.
8. A stepchild has the right to feel at home in his or her father's custodial parent's home.
9. A stepchild has the right to spend time with, even alone with, his or her biological parent, whether custodial or not.
10. A stepchild has the right to hear his or her biological parent, custodial or not, talked about with respect. Referring to a stepchild's parent in a derogatory fashion, is ALWAYS wrong. You, the stepparent, may not like the biological parent, but that parent is important in the child's life.
11. A stepchild has the right to love and want to be with his or her parents, regardless of how a new spouse or mate may feel about the old one.
12. A stepchild is allowed to not immediately fall in love with the new stepparent and should not be forced to call the new stepparent anything resembling a "mom" or "dad" name.

More Irony for the New Year

Cinderella, Hansel and Gretel make a fairytale Gingerbread House of their very own.



I figured if a mom of seven children (whom she homeschools!) can do it so could we. Chris, from Notes from the Trenches constantly inspires me to be a better, funner (yes, it is a word) and more organized Mom. If you are not familiar with her, go read her NOW.



Full recipe and instructions can be found here.