Our 10-month in-house separation has been growing increasingly challenging, especially for Cinderella who is stuck in the middle of yet ANOTHER divorce.
Torn between her desire to remain loyal to me (her primary care giver for the past 10 years) and her mother who is making every attempt to alienate my stepdaughter from me.
Attempts are being made to undermine my authority. Trash talk continues.
I noticed on her visitation days with Maleficent, Cinderella's mood towards me was colder and more defiant. It started in the mornings before she left for school, continued when she came home and rushed to do her homework before Maleficent was due to arrive. It followed her back home after being dropped off as she stomped around the house getting ready for school the next day.
The next day, she was always fine.
Her hostility fueled my own insecurities. I found myself becoming defensive and angry.
(Yes, after ten years I still question my parenting abilities, take things personally and lay the mother guilt on myself nice and THICK.)
It was time to have a (step)mother/daughter talk.
I am sure you must be feeling anger towards Dad and me. You are probably hurt and confused because here you are going through ANOTHER divorce. And I am sure there is something going on when you are at Mom's but I don't want to make things worse by pressuring you to talk to me. It hurts me to see you suffering. I only hope that you will try to talk to someone about what's going on.
As is par for the course, that's all she needed me to say. My suspicions were confirmed, her loyalities are being challenged and she is being torn apart by this.
I reassured her as best as I know how. Mostly by example. Prince Charming and I struggle to find common ground, to get along for the kids' sake and make a point of making sure that they SEE it because it's one thing for us to tell them, but it's a whole other thing for them to LIVE it.
While I can empathize with Maleficent and why she behaves where He is concerned, I don't agree that that's the answer. Not after all the pain I have seen it cause. Lord knows he doesn't always make it easy, but still...
My mantra these days is: Love your kids more than you hate your ex.
Showing posts with label parenting challenges. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting challenges. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
What Do You Get...
... when you cross a teenager and an iPod Touch (with enabled wifi)?
The start of a horror story you hear about on Dateline or Maury Povich complete with private chats of an inappropriate nature with strangers of questionable age (and even gender).
I've been asked not to tweet or post about this because the Internet doesn't need to know about His daughter but I'm doing it anyway because ... well, it's *my* blog.
But, that's not the real reason. I do so not to embarrass Cinderella, or to spite anyone. I post this now because it's important to remind ALL parents (steps AND bio) of the importance of monitoring your children's internet usage. No matter how insignificant you might think it is, it can be a recipe for disaster.
Even the best parent needs a reminder every now and then.
If you are not familiar with an iPod Touch and all of it's capabilities, it's basically a mini-computer. So when your otherwise good kid is locking him/herself in their room "playing games" on their "iPod" you need to know that they may be ON TEH INTERNETZ and that means people of ALL KINDS are also playing these games and therefore have access to your good kid. AND!!! that said games also have private chat capabilities (remember the early days of a/s/l checks? Umm...YEAH! 'nuff said.).
BUT, if you are lucky (and YES there is also an upside to this otherwise craptastic and stomach turning experience) you might also get validation that you are doing a good job when, as you scour though the chat and email history, you happen across a statement made by your kid such as: "I'll [send it] tomorrow because my Dad is home then and he doesn't watch me."
You bet your ASS I'm going to be watching you.
The start of a horror story you hear about on Dateline or Maury Povich complete with private chats of an inappropriate nature with strangers of questionable age (and even gender).
I've been asked not to tweet or post about this because the Internet doesn't need to know about His daughter but I'm doing it anyway because ... well, it's *my* blog.
But, that's not the real reason. I do so not to embarrass Cinderella, or to spite anyone. I post this now because it's important to remind ALL parents (steps AND bio) of the importance of monitoring your children's internet usage. No matter how insignificant you might think it is, it can be a recipe for disaster.
Even the best parent needs a reminder every now and then.
If you are not familiar with an iPod Touch and all of it's capabilities, it's basically a mini-computer. So when your otherwise good kid is locking him/herself in their room "playing games" on their "iPod" you need to know that they may be ON TEH INTERNETZ and that means people of ALL KINDS are also playing these games and therefore have access to your good kid. AND!!! that said games also have private chat capabilities (remember the early days of a/s/l checks? Umm...YEAH! 'nuff said.).
BUT, if you are lucky (and YES there is also an upside to this otherwise craptastic and stomach turning experience) you might also get validation that you are doing a good job when, as you scour though the chat and email history, you happen across a statement made by your kid such as: "I'll [send it] tomorrow because my Dad is home then and he doesn't watch me."
You bet your ASS I'm going to be watching you.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
The Biology of Divorce (Post Script)
The Law Guardian did see through Cinderella's smoke screen and knew she was also being coached by her mother, BUT, she was put in place to protect Cinderella and if Cindy said she was scared to come home, then the LG had no choice but to allow her to stay at Maleficent's for that one night.
(Consequently, Cinderella did try the same crap a week later, again while at Maleficent's, but was told NO DICE by her LG.)
Whatever his personal feelings were for (or against) me, Prince Charming at least agreed that he and I needed to talk to Cinderella's TOGETHER about what took place.
For me, it was to show us as a continued united front and let her know that the issue of her disrespect was not acceptable.
For him, it was to "get to the bottom of things."
Three days later, the three of us sat in the living room after her return from her weekend visit with Maleficent. Cinderella on one couch, me on the other and Prince Charming on the floor between us.
(Talk about a house divided. So much for a UNITED front.)
He had very little to say, instead turning to Cinderella and I to drive the conversation.
I took over. I was the other parent after all.
I told her how I felt. She told me how she felt. She admitted to going a bit far by calling the LG and acknowledged that the real issues were her attitude and lack of accountability for not doing her chores.
I apologized. She apologized.
Tears were shed on both sides as I told her how much I loved her like she was one of my own and that we sometimes all say things in anger that we don't mean.
(Like when she tells her brother and sister "I'LL KILL YOU" if you do this one more time or say that again.)
His presence was quickly forgotten. This was between Cinderella and me anyway. It started with us, and it needed to end WITH US.
It took me a while to realize this was NOT a Stepmother/Stepdaughter issue because yes, like so many others (some of whom have shared their opinions on this very blog), I am too quick to judge my actions and assume the worse of myself. I immediately jump to the conclusion that I truly *am* the Wicked Stepmom and how dare I show my HUMAN side and let this child who is not my own get the better of me. Surely if she were my biological child I would have reacted differently. Right? RIGHT???
Umm... get real.
This, my pretties, was a simple matter of parenting of a TEEN.
Cinderella is my first teen. She is our oldest child. And like many other parents of teens know, there is no preparing for it, no filter strong enough to protect you from those first eye rolls and head shakes and snarky comments. Limits will be pushed, standoffs will occur, battles will ensue and eventually your skin thickens, your hearing becomes selective and you learn when to walk away, how to ignore and pick your battles.
Our relationship will wax and wane like any parent/teenage relationship will, and with any luck, come full-circle again one day.
(Parts I & II)
(Consequently, Cinderella did try the same crap a week later, again while at Maleficent's, but was told NO DICE by her LG.)
Whatever his personal feelings were for (or against) me, Prince Charming at least agreed that he and I needed to talk to Cinderella's TOGETHER about what took place.
For me, it was to show us as a continued united front and let her know that the issue of her disrespect was not acceptable.
For him, it was to "get to the bottom of things."
Three days later, the three of us sat in the living room after her return from her weekend visit with Maleficent. Cinderella on one couch, me on the other and Prince Charming on the floor between us.
(Talk about a house divided. So much for a UNITED front.)
He had very little to say, instead turning to Cinderella and I to drive the conversation.
I took over. I was the other parent after all.
I told her how I felt. She told me how she felt. She admitted to going a bit far by calling the LG and acknowledged that the real issues were her attitude and lack of accountability for not doing her chores.
I apologized. She apologized.
Tears were shed on both sides as I told her how much I loved her like she was one of my own and that we sometimes all say things in anger that we don't mean.
(Like when she tells her brother and sister "I'LL KILL YOU" if you do this one more time or say that again.)
His presence was quickly forgotten. This was between Cinderella and me anyway. It started with us, and it needed to end WITH US.
It took me a while to realize this was NOT a Stepmother/Stepdaughter issue because yes, like so many others (some of whom have shared their opinions on this very blog), I am too quick to judge my actions and assume the worse of myself. I immediately jump to the conclusion that I truly *am* the Wicked Stepmom and how dare I show my HUMAN side and let this child who is not my own get the better of me. Surely if she were my biological child I would have reacted differently. Right? RIGHT???
Umm... get real.
This, my pretties, was a simple matter of parenting of a TEEN.
Cinderella is my first teen. She is our oldest child. And like many other parents of teens know, there is no preparing for it, no filter strong enough to protect you from those first eye rolls and head shakes and snarky comments. Limits will be pushed, standoffs will occur, battles will ensue and eventually your skin thickens, your hearing becomes selective and you learn when to walk away, how to ignore and pick your battles.
Our relationship will wax and wane like any parent/teenage relationship will, and with any luck, come full-circle again one day.
(Parts I & II)
Friday, January 22, 2010
The Biology of Divorce II
Continued from here.
Maleficenteavesdropped on overheard Cinderella's call to her Law Guardian and, well, you can just IMAGINE her reaction.
The law guardian called Prince Charming. He called me to find out what happened, but with our current "situation" he was less interested in hearing what I had to say.
(He admitted his first reactions were "Who the fuck does she think she is." "Cinderella is MY daughter, not hers.")
The law guardian allowed Cinderella to stay at Maleficent's that night because I was home with the kids and Prince Charming wasn't. (It was my "custody" day of our in-house separation.)
The following week, school guidance counselors and social workers were involved thanks to persistent phone calls by a revenge-driven Maleficent. She wanted CPS called in to investigate.
Prince Charming was overwhelmed with phone calls and battled his personal feelings towards me as he tried to reassure EVERYONE (mostly himself) that things had been blown out of proportion.
In a single phone call, Cinderella became her mother, alienating and vilifying me.
Prince Charming called the house for the days that followed asking Cinderella how she was while never ONCE asking ME if things had improved with HER behavior.
A discipline problem with a teenager became something ugly and hurtful.
Loyalites and lines were drawn left me feeling like it was THEM against ME.
Thirteen years of struggling and fighting to do what's best for Cinderella seemed to have been tossed aside and meant nothing.
Biology won out over the truth and fairness.
I felt hurt and betrayed.
But...so is Cinderella.
She is going through yet another divorce. The family she has known for the past ten years is breaking up and changing.
She feels her Dad doesn't want to be here.
She thinks she will not see me again.
She expects (though we keep reassuring her to the contrary) that her Dad and I will engage in daily battles like her mother has.
And now she has to endure more of Maleficent's hatred of me as she does everything she can to make sure Cinderella has NOTHING to do with me after our divorce.
She is thirteen.
And all that that implies people.
Maleficent
The law guardian called Prince Charming. He called me to find out what happened, but with our current "situation" he was less interested in hearing what I had to say.
(He admitted his first reactions were "Who the fuck does she think she is." "Cinderella is MY daughter, not hers.")
The law guardian allowed Cinderella to stay at Maleficent's that night because I was home with the kids and Prince Charming wasn't. (It was my "custody" day of our in-house separation.)
The following week, school guidance counselors and social workers were involved thanks to persistent phone calls by a revenge-driven Maleficent. She wanted CPS called in to investigate.
Prince Charming was overwhelmed with phone calls and battled his personal feelings towards me as he tried to reassure EVERYONE (mostly himself) that things had been blown out of proportion.
In a single phone call, Cinderella became her mother, alienating and vilifying me.
Prince Charming called the house for the days that followed asking Cinderella how she was while never ONCE asking ME if things had improved with HER behavior.
A discipline problem with a teenager became something ugly and hurtful.
Loyalites and lines were drawn left me feeling like it was THEM against ME.
Thirteen years of struggling and fighting to do what's best for Cinderella seemed to have been tossed aside and meant nothing.
Biology won out over the truth and fairness.
I felt hurt and betrayed.
But...so is Cinderella.
She is going through yet another divorce. The family she has known for the past ten years is breaking up and changing.
She feels her Dad doesn't want to be here.
She thinks she will not see me again.
She expects (though we keep reassuring her to the contrary) that her Dad and I will engage in daily battles like her mother has.
And now she has to endure more of Maleficent's hatred of me as she does everything she can to make sure Cinderella has NOTHING to do with me after our divorce.
She is thirteen.
And all that that implies people.
Monday, March 16, 2009
It's Lonely At The Top
The problem with taking the High Road when it comes to dealing with Maleficent, is that I am oftentimes alone.
Alone with my inner struggle of doing what's best for Cinderella versus wanting to slap the crap out of her "mother" for creating such turmoil in everyone's lives.
Alone while I watch my stepdaughter struggle to accept the reality of WHO and WHAT her mother is and HOW to deal with that (while not contributing to that opinion by speaking ill of Maleficent in front of Cinderella. EVER.).
Alone in not being able to protect Cinderella as situations like last Friday unfold, after sending Cinderella to her Mom's for the weekend, sans her bathing suit.
Maleficent and Diablo SPED back up our street BACKWARDS and sent Cinderella inside to claim her bathing suit.
Her facial expression spoke volumes. Cinderella did NOT want to come back inside. She did NOT want to go swimming because she had her period. Not because I said no.
But Maleficent had turned it into a battle or HER vs. ME. It was no longer about what Cinderella might have wanted. It was about Maleficent getting HER OWN WAY and Cinderella was going to get that bathing suit dammit!
Cinderella asked me for guidance on what to say to her Mom. She knew she HAD to go for the weekend, even though she no longer wanted to. I tried my best to help her with the right words, but nothing any of us could have said at that moment would make any difference.
I reminded Cinderella simply that she had her period and could not go swimming.
It didn't matter WHO was asking to take her - be it a girlfriend or Maleficent - she could not go THIS weekend. Period. (Pun intended.)
And then I told Cinderella that Maleficent could talk to Prince Charming about it if she felt it was that important. He was, afterall, the final say on this and if he felt it was OK, then she could come back and get her suit.
(I was hoping this would somehow take the pressure off and protect Cinderella. I was wrong.)
From the curb, Maleficent's rage could be heard by my neighbors AND Cinderella's 6 year old brother and friends who were playing outside.
WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT ASSHOLE THINK HE IS?!?! HE HAS SOME NERVE!!
THAT FUCKING BITCH.
(And so on.)
Cinderella told us her mother ranted for the entire car ride home. Mostly to herself because no one else was responding.
Cinderella was also subjected to hearing her mother tell her that she WILL NOT buy her anything EVER AGAIN because SHE bought the bathing suit for Cinderella and that money could have been better spent on bills.
Huh? No one is holding the bathing suit hostage.
Once again the lines of reality have been blurred in the midst of Maleficent's bipolar tantrums.
Cinderella told us that she holed herself up in her bedroom for the rest of Friday night. Waiting out the end of her mother's tirade which eventually came to an end and she was able to enjoy the rest of her weekend.
(With the exception of when her mother took her swimming anyway, despite Cinderella's protests, and forced the poor girl to go into the pool. Ooh. Ahh. I guess she showed me, huh?)
Cinderella was glad to be home come Sunday night. Glad to be able to talk to us about what happened and to do a little venting of her own.
I am sure that to many the simple solution would have been to let Cinderella take the bathing suit.
That this ALL could have been avoided if I had just given in.
That it's MY fault. The Wicked Stepmom who had no right saying "no."
That, indeed, I am too big for my britches.
But to anyone who has been following my journey will know that NOTHING will guarantee peace with Maleficent.
And lord knows how I have tried.
Giving in to avoid conflict only prolongs the inevitable temper tantrum and downward spiral that always comes from an untreated manic depressive.
This was not about ME vs. Maleficent. It had nothing to do with her at all.
It was a simple lesson that most woman have learned at one time or another. Unfortunately, this was Cinderella's time to learn that being a woman sometimes ain't all it's cracked up to be.
It's simple biology. You can't argue with that.
Except...when it comes to parenting. Because I have learned over the years that there is much MORE to parenting than simple BIOLOGY.
Just because I am not Cinderela's BIOLOGICAL parent, does not mean that I do not have any of the responsibilities that come with parenting her.
And I will never stop doing that. No matter how many times I am challenged.
I am a hard-ass.
I am not going to back down over of a matter of simple biology.
Alone with my inner struggle of doing what's best for Cinderella versus wanting to slap the crap out of her "mother" for creating such turmoil in everyone's lives.
Alone while I watch my stepdaughter struggle to accept the reality of WHO and WHAT her mother is and HOW to deal with that (while not contributing to that opinion by speaking ill of Maleficent in front of Cinderella. EVER.).
Alone in not being able to protect Cinderella as situations like last Friday unfold, after sending Cinderella to her Mom's for the weekend, sans her bathing suit.
Maleficent and Diablo SPED back up our street BACKWARDS and sent Cinderella inside to claim her bathing suit.
Her facial expression spoke volumes. Cinderella did NOT want to come back inside. She did NOT want to go swimming because she had her period. Not because I said no.
But Maleficent had turned it into a battle or HER vs. ME. It was no longer about what Cinderella might have wanted. It was about Maleficent getting HER OWN WAY and Cinderella was going to get that bathing suit dammit!
Cinderella asked me for guidance on what to say to her Mom. She knew she HAD to go for the weekend, even though she no longer wanted to. I tried my best to help her with the right words, but nothing any of us could have said at that moment would make any difference.
I reminded Cinderella simply that she had her period and could not go swimming.
It didn't matter WHO was asking to take her - be it a girlfriend or Maleficent - she could not go THIS weekend. Period. (Pun intended.)
And then I told Cinderella that Maleficent could talk to Prince Charming about it if she felt it was that important. He was, afterall, the final say on this and if he felt it was OK, then she could come back and get her suit.
(I was hoping this would somehow take the pressure off and protect Cinderella. I was wrong.)
From the curb, Maleficent's rage could be heard by my neighbors AND Cinderella's 6 year old brother and friends who were playing outside.
WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT ASSHOLE THINK HE IS?!?! HE HAS SOME NERVE!!
THAT FUCKING BITCH.
(And so on.)
Cinderella told us her mother ranted for the entire car ride home. Mostly to herself because no one else was responding.
Cinderella was also subjected to hearing her mother tell her that she WILL NOT buy her anything EVER AGAIN because SHE bought the bathing suit for Cinderella and that money could have been better spent on bills.
Huh? No one is holding the bathing suit hostage.
Once again the lines of reality have been blurred in the midst of Maleficent's bipolar tantrums.
Cinderella told us that she holed herself up in her bedroom for the rest of Friday night. Waiting out the end of her mother's tirade which eventually came to an end and she was able to enjoy the rest of her weekend.
(With the exception of when her mother took her swimming anyway, despite Cinderella's protests, and forced the poor girl to go into the pool. Ooh. Ahh. I guess she showed me, huh?)
Cinderella was glad to be home come Sunday night. Glad to be able to talk to us about what happened and to do a little venting of her own.
I am sure that to many the simple solution would have been to let Cinderella take the bathing suit.
That this ALL could have been avoided if I had just given in.
That it's MY fault. The Wicked Stepmom who had no right saying "no."
That, indeed, I am too big for my britches.
But to anyone who has been following my journey will know that NOTHING will guarantee peace with Maleficent.
And lord knows how I have tried.
Giving in to avoid conflict only prolongs the inevitable temper tantrum and downward spiral that always comes from an untreated manic depressive.
This was not about ME vs. Maleficent. It had nothing to do with her at all.
It was a simple lesson that most woman have learned at one time or another. Unfortunately, this was Cinderella's time to learn that being a woman sometimes ain't all it's cracked up to be.
It's simple biology. You can't argue with that.
Except...when it comes to parenting. Because I have learned over the years that there is much MORE to parenting than simple BIOLOGY.
Just because I am not Cinderela's BIOLOGICAL parent, does not mean that I do not have any of the responsibilities that come with parenting her.
And I will never stop doing that. No matter how many times I am challenged.
I am a hard-ass.
I am not going to back down over of a matter of simple biology.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Yes, Magic Grits Exist Fairytales Too
Maleficent: Bring your bathing suit this weekend because I have a free swim pass.
Cinderella: Ok, Mom. Oh, no... wait. I can't. I have my period.
Maleficent: Oh, that's ok. You can still swim, the bleeding stops in the water.
***
Umm...
WHAT?!?!?
Is she fecking KIDDING me???
I wanted to call Maleficent on the phone and issue a My Cousin Vinny-esque cross examination:
I refrained, cuz you know how I like to take the high road and all.
But, you can bet your ass I did NOT let Cinderella leave this house with a bathing suit in hand.
Cuz... EWWW.
Cinderella: Ok, Mom. Oh, no... wait. I can't. I have my period.
Maleficent: Oh, that's ok. You can still swim, the bleeding stops in the water.
***
Umm...
WHAT?!?!?
Is she fecking KIDDING me???
I wanted to call Maleficent on the phone and issue a My Cousin Vinny-esque cross examination:
"So, Maleficent, how is it that your vaj does not bleed in pool water when the same can not be said for the entire menstruating world?
I guess the laws of physics cease to exist in your girly bits (just as the laws of reason cease to exist in your melon). Do you have a magic vajayjay? Is your Aunt Flo the same broad who sold Jack his beanstalk beans?"
I refrained, cuz you know how I like to take the high road and all.
But, you can bet your ass I did NOT let Cinderella leave this house with a bathing suit in hand.
Cuz... EWWW.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho, It's Back to Court They Go
A month ago Prince Charming filed violation papers against Maleficent.
After three years of trying to make things work in a civilized fashion, only to be slapped in the face repeatedly, he's finally taking the advice of his lawyer and Cinderella's law guardian.
They warned him after he won sole legal custody that Maleficent WOULD push the envelope and she WOULD screw up and he WOULD HAVE TO bring her back to court until she finally accepted her reality (while also cautioning that she may NEVER do as is typically the case with people suffering from untreated bipolar disorder).
Like me, he thought it could be avoided.
Like me, he thought they could work things out like adults.
Like me, he thought she would put Cinderella's needs and well-being above her own pettiness.
Like me, he was WRONG.
He tried. I tried. And Maleficent "tried" - but for only as long as she was given her own way and allowed to play the victim doing WHAT she wanted WHEN she wanted.
On the rare occasion she was told NO or expected to step up as a parent, things quickly went south.
Now Prince Charming has learned what Cinderella is being exposed to as a result of Maleficent's tantrums.
Lies. Disparaging remarks. Cursing and name-calling. Parental alienation.
His daughter is being mentally and emotionally abused at the hands of her "mother."
He can no longer look the other way or try to rationalize. He needs assistance.
Papers were filed in early January with the promise of a court date and notices being sent to our respective homes ASAP.
We waited. And I worried.
I worried that Cinderella would be with Maleficent when the court notice was delivered and that she would be exposed to her mother's rage.
Then Prince Charming was told the notices would be delivered during the week of Cinderella's late drama rehearsals. She would not be with her mother that week.
I was relieved. Hoping that would give Maleficent enough time to calm down and Cinderella would be spared any further harm.
That week came and went. No court notices arrived.
Prince Charming was then told the notices were going out the week of Cinderella's school break. Cinderella was home that week as well.
Again, I was relieved.
Still no notices came.
WTH?
It took a personal visit back to the court house for Prince Charming to find out that a court date HAD been set, but that the judge changed it and NO ONE was notified. So the paperwork sat somewhere and the case was never reassigned on the calendar.
IMBECILES!
PC was promised this would be taken care of this week.
I wish I could stop myself from worrying. That I could have been spared spending the last FOUR WEEKS filled with dread for Cinderella knowing that I was helpless to protect her from any further abuse at the hands of her "mother."
(No matter what our personal feelings are, we have never said a single bad word about Maleficent in front of or to Cinderella.)
(If only she was able to do the same.)
I am trying to remind myself that everything happens for a reason.
That while this situation might not be proceeding as we WANT it to, it is proceeding as it NEEDS to.
Whatever the reason might be.
Maybe the delay is so the right judge can be assigned to the case.
Maybe Cinderella is supposed to be with her mother when the notices are delivered so she can learn HOW to speak up to her.
Or maybe it's because Maleficent is destined to do something so horrid that she will lose everything once-and-for-all.
(Prince Charming has been warned of suspected questionable activity at Maleficent and Diablo's house. None of which Cinderella has confirmed but PC is still concerned and watchful.)
This last point fills me with the most dread for as much as I would like to see Maleficent finally get her come-uppins I do not want my stepdaughter to suffer any more.
It is that fear that's kept us out of court for this long.
It is out of this fear that Prince Charming and I have done as much as we have over the years to get along with Maleficent.
And now I fear that in our efforts to placate Maleficent's delicate emotional state and protect Cinderella that we may have done nothing more than postpone the inevitable.
Of course, I could be just a tad melodramatic here!
I mean ... without the melodrama, would this blog be nearly as interesting??
I think not.
After three years of trying to make things work in a civilized fashion, only to be slapped in the face repeatedly, he's finally taking the advice of his lawyer and Cinderella's law guardian.
They warned him after he won sole legal custody that Maleficent WOULD push the envelope and she WOULD screw up and he WOULD HAVE TO bring her back to court until she finally accepted her reality (while also cautioning that she may NEVER do as is typically the case with people suffering from untreated bipolar disorder).
Like me, he thought it could be avoided.
Like me, he thought they could work things out like adults.
Like me, he thought she would put Cinderella's needs and well-being above her own pettiness.
Like me, he was WRONG.
He tried. I tried. And Maleficent "tried" - but for only as long as she was given her own way and allowed to play the victim doing WHAT she wanted WHEN she wanted.
On the rare occasion she was told NO or expected to step up as a parent, things quickly went south.
Now Prince Charming has learned what Cinderella is being exposed to as a result of Maleficent's tantrums.
Lies. Disparaging remarks. Cursing and name-calling. Parental alienation.
His daughter is being mentally and emotionally abused at the hands of her "mother."
He can no longer look the other way or try to rationalize. He needs assistance.
Papers were filed in early January with the promise of a court date and notices being sent to our respective homes ASAP.
We waited. And I worried.
I worried that Cinderella would be with Maleficent when the court notice was delivered and that she would be exposed to her mother's rage.
Then Prince Charming was told the notices would be delivered during the week of Cinderella's late drama rehearsals. She would not be with her mother that week.
I was relieved. Hoping that would give Maleficent enough time to calm down and Cinderella would be spared any further harm.
That week came and went. No court notices arrived.
Prince Charming was then told the notices were going out the week of Cinderella's school break. Cinderella was home that week as well.
Again, I was relieved.
Still no notices came.
WTH?
It took a personal visit back to the court house for Prince Charming to find out that a court date HAD been set, but that the judge changed it and NO ONE was notified. So the paperwork sat somewhere and the case was never reassigned on the calendar.
IMBECILES!
PC was promised this would be taken care of this week.
I wish I could stop myself from worrying. That I could have been spared spending the last FOUR WEEKS filled with dread for Cinderella knowing that I was helpless to protect her from any further abuse at the hands of her "mother."
(No matter what our personal feelings are, we have never said a single bad word about Maleficent in front of or to Cinderella.)
(If only she was able to do the same.)
I am trying to remind myself that everything happens for a reason.
That while this situation might not be proceeding as we WANT it to, it is proceeding as it NEEDS to.
Whatever the reason might be.
Maybe the delay is so the right judge can be assigned to the case.
Maybe Cinderella is supposed to be with her mother when the notices are delivered so she can learn HOW to speak up to her.
Or maybe it's because Maleficent is destined to do something so horrid that she will lose everything once-and-for-all.
(Prince Charming has been warned of suspected questionable activity at Maleficent and Diablo's house. None of which Cinderella has confirmed but PC is still concerned and watchful.)
This last point fills me with the most dread for as much as I would like to see Maleficent finally get her come-uppins I do not want my stepdaughter to suffer any more.
It is that fear that's kept us out of court for this long.
It is out of this fear that Prince Charming and I have done as much as we have over the years to get along with Maleficent.
And now I fear that in our efforts to placate Maleficent's delicate emotional state and protect Cinderella that we may have done nothing more than postpone the inevitable.
Of course, I could be just a tad melodramatic here!
I mean ... without the melodrama, would this blog be nearly as interesting??
I think not.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Another Milestone for the Tween
Today, I am taking Cinderella to get her ears pierced.
I was the same age as she is (12) when my mother took me.
It's a nice way to commemorate the end of her 'Tween Years and I am so excited to be able to take her!
It's been in the works for several months now-Prince Charming and I agree that she is NOW old enough to take care of them properly.
(Maleficent took her when she was 8 without any prior discussions which she was REQUIRED to do because Prince Charming had primary rights though it was a shared custody. A month later I had to take Cinderella to the doctor to have the earring CUT OUT of her infected ear lobe because she kept SQUEEZING the post backs too tightly and essentially INTO her piercing hole. Prince Charming asked Maleficent that they wait until Cinderella is older before revisiting this again.)
(A year later, Cinderella returned from a visit with Maleficent with shiny new earrings. After a week we REMOVED them because she would not stop playing with them. We were in the midst of the custody change and, while Maleficent had lost ALL rights to make or act on any decisions, the courts had to specifically mention that Maleficent STOP PIERCING HER CHILDS' EARS ALREADY.)
Three years later, Prince Charming feels Cinderella is now ready for this responsibility.
She has been flitting around for the past three days since I told her and has all sorts of shopping trips planned for earrings once the holes are healed.
Cinderella has not told her mother yet because "Mommy will be mad because she wanted to take me."
Why must this woman overshadow EVERYTHING that is good????
I was the same age as she is (12) when my mother took me.
It's a nice way to commemorate the end of her 'Tween Years and I am so excited to be able to take her!
It's been in the works for several months now-Prince Charming and I agree that she is NOW old enough to take care of them properly.
(Maleficent took her when she was 8 without any prior discussions which she was REQUIRED to do because Prince Charming had primary rights though it was a shared custody. A month later I had to take Cinderella to the doctor to have the earring CUT OUT of her infected ear lobe because she kept SQUEEZING the post backs too tightly and essentially INTO her piercing hole. Prince Charming asked Maleficent that they wait until Cinderella is older before revisiting this again.)
(A year later, Cinderella returned from a visit with Maleficent with shiny new earrings. After a week we REMOVED them because she would not stop playing with them. We were in the midst of the custody change and, while Maleficent had lost ALL rights to make or act on any decisions, the courts had to specifically mention that Maleficent STOP PIERCING HER CHILDS' EARS ALREADY.)
Three years later, Prince Charming feels Cinderella is now ready for this responsibility.
She has been flitting around for the past three days since I told her and has all sorts of shopping trips planned for earrings once the holes are healed.
Cinderella has not told her mother yet because "Mommy will be mad because she wanted to take me."
Why must this woman overshadow EVERYTHING that is good????
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