Build Me A Woman

I need a wife.
I'm a reluctant SAHM/domestic goddess.
I got the Mom part down ... mostly.
(Ok. Yeah there was that one time when PC got a last minute invite to a fancy-pants-black-tie-celebrity-red-carpet-paparazzi-gala and I spent the entire day running around trying to make it so I could also attend. Dress? Went shopping in a friends' closet and found the perfect black cocktail dress. WooHoo! Shoes? Got em! Hair & Makeup? Perfect up-do and smokey eyes compliments of teh interweb. Accessories? Another friend. Winna! I am hooked up baby! NYC here I come! Then.... hold up.
What?
Kids? What kids? CRAP!! We have kids! KIDS WHO NEED SOMEONE TO WATCH THEM!!!!!! OMMYGOD WHO IS AROUND AT 2PM TO WATCH OUR KIDS?!?!?!
Fantasy Over. Real Life steps in.
Dress: returned. Shoes: re-shelved. PC went. I stayed home. Boo. Hoo.)
Yeah, so I kinda got the Mom thing down. I did remember them, eventually.
But the domestic goddess stuff? Not so much.
Cooking? Sure. I can handle that.
As long as the victims are willing. Cinderella's been turned, but we're still working on Hansel who won't eat anything but melted cheese sandwiches, pasta or chicken nuggets.
Oh yeah, and ketchup. On any of the above.
Or by itself.
Baking? Yeah. I got it covered.
Laundry. Tolerable.
Now that I've adopted a new method whereby hampers have been BANISHED! and dirty clothes get placed in a laundry bag every night. The theory being that said laundry would then be thrown into the washer and drier that night and folded the next day.
What? I said it was a t-h-e-o-r-y.
(Geez... you and your semantics. First with the parenting and now with the clothes!)
But Cleaning? Nope. Not my forte.
I hate it.
HATE.
IT.
I'd rather give up my beloved grocery home-delivery and actually go TO the grocery store with BOTH Hansel (now 5) & Gretel (20 mos) than to clean my house.
Fuck. Today I even bought one of those automatic litter boxes just so I could not have to scoop cat crap.
My idea of cleaning the bathroom includes a monthly spray down of the mold with bleach, close the door and walk away.
Beds? Why make them when we are just going to sleep in them again tonight. Besides our bedroom door is closed to keep the cats out so I don't have to actually see our unmade bed until night time when I am too tired to give a shit and actually appreciate the added convenience of not having to fold down the sheets just to get in.
Cinderella and Hansel's room is upstairs, and is the only room upstairs so I don't have to go up there. Beds? There are beds up there?
See what I mean?
Out of sight. Out of mind.
It's an all-around win-win.
Dusting? Nah. Too many toys around to cover it up. What dust?
However...
My horoscope for today read:
Capricorn: There's just one primary thing to keep in mind today -- work hard to have fun!
Really?
Crap.
Never one to argue with the stars, off into domestic goddess Hell I go.
Crap.