Monday, October 30, 2006

Getting Along: Don't Forget the Innocent Bystanders (BioKids)

I don't like Cinderella's BioMom Malificent.
Now, that's not fair to say. You don't really know her.
Yes I do. She's Cinderella's Mom.
Suddenly we realized that The Boy has witnessed more than he should with regards to Cinderella's BioMom Malificent. (Ha! I like the sound of that! Humor me for the rest of this post, woulldya?)
This day he was in the back seat of the car while Hubby was talking* on the phone with her about the latest and greatest drama.
(*Being yelled at is more like it and The Boy heard every word because Malificent's voice isn't very... umm... soft and delicate like that of a lady.)
In our efforts to shield Cinderella from the tumultous relationship between her Parents, we neglected to take The Boy into consideration.
He's too young to understand or care. Malificent is of no consequence to Him so we don't need to worry about Him.
Wrong. We're such Ninnies.
Malificent may not matter to Him, but We matter. The Boy has been witness to one-too-many heated discussions both with and about Her throughout most of his Life. (Man, this bullshit has gone on for.far.too.long.)
He doesn't like what's he's seen.
He doesn't like seeing Mommy and Daddy upset.
He knows when Malificent is the cause of this stress and disharmony and sees its affect on our delicate family structure.
Now is where our Parenting Skills are put to the ultimate test. Where we must put aside our personal feelings for this Witch and help our son preserve a positive impression of his Sister's Mother.
We validate what he already knows.
Yes, Daddy and Malificent sometimes argue. And yes you have heard Malificent yell at Daddy. But they are trying their best not to argue. Sometimes grown-ups make bad choices when they are upset.
We try an defend her actions as best we can. Both for his and Cinderella's sake. The last thing we want is for The Boy to express this sentiment to Cinderella.
Malificent loves Cinderella very much, just like Daddy does.
We remind him that he must be Respectful. Remind him that Cinderella loves her Mom very much and he musn't say bad things about her. We point out that Malificent is always nice to Him and he needs to try to remember his manners.
Yes, but she is not nice to Daddy.
She is trying. We all are.
At that point I wanted to pick up the phone and unleash years of pent-up anger and hostility because now her poison was seeping further into our Family and affecting my son.
You goddamn selfish Witch are you happy now? Will you not stop until each and every member of my family grows to hate you and needs therapy just like the rest of us?!?!?! CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?!?!?
But I knew better. I knew it would do nothing to help matters.
Hubby and I feel like shit for letting this happen. For letting this vile woman touch our son's emotions in such a negative way. We feel irresponsible; as if we haven't respected him as an important member of the family who needs protecting from this situation.
Hubby and I vowed to each other to be more diligent in shielding ALL of the children from the unpleasantries of our wounded relationship with Malificent.
More diligent towards getting along.
Commited to making things work.


Kat said...

You've posted a couple of times about how observant and respectful the boy should be proud that you are raising such a gentle fellow.

[Not-So]Wicked Stepmom said...

Indeed, we are Kat! There isn't a day that goes by where I am not reminded of this... and completely astounded over his depth and sincerity.

(And I have to say that it touches me to know that you're still here and actually pay attention to my ramblings. :>)

Anonymous said...

I have been reading you blog for the past 8 months or so. My sister sent me your link via e-mail. I find you so refreshing to know that I am not the only stepmom that has these SAME issues! Being a stepmom is THE HARDEST job I have ever taken on. I have a bio child and I hate that he sees the fighting between my childrens mom, my husband, and myself. Your links are great. They have tought me to set boundries. I do not want MY child growing up with such issues between all of us. Thank you for being so inspiring!

[Not-So]Wicked Stepmom said...

Hey Anon - You're very welcome. And thank YOU for dropping a line to let me know you are here. :)