Tuesday, October 3, 2006

An Inconvenient Truth

The silence was deafening.
But I had kept my silence for too long. For too long I had tried to convince myself that things were not as they were. I shouldn't feel this way. It should be easier.
Thou shall not should on yourself.
That's what my therapist used to tell me.
Should causes guilt. Guilt causes anger. Anger causes more guilt.
I'd been stuck in this vicious cycle for years now and it was time to break free.
I owed it to myself. I owed it to my children. I owed it to Cinderella.
I knew that this would not be an easy conversation to have with Hubby. How does one go about telling their spouse that you need a break from their child? That your personalities do not mix and are causing you stress?
But the Truth was, I did. I needed to step back. Detach. Disengage from the responsibilities that had been thrust upon me.
Responsibilities that were assumed by myself as much as Hubby and BioMom.
I was feeling resentful over having these responsibilities. The resentment only intensified by the constant reminders that I have no Rights.
As a result I watched as our relationships suffered. Mine. Hubby's. Hers.
I couldn't cope. I was feeling too overwhelmed with trying to compensate for the guilt and anger while being a good Mother, Wife and StepMom.
I was losing the battle with my Emotions and my Family was suffering for it.
I'm telling you this as much for Cinderella as I am for myself.
I hoped Hubby would see that.
He was hurt and disappointed by my admission. I expected no less.
My request was not a Convenient one but it was honest. The most honest I had been with him regarding Cinderella. He was appreciative of my honesty. And like me did not want to create any undue stress on anyone.
He honored my request and made arrangements that provide Cinderella and I the distance we need.
I hope that taking this step back will help me to Step Up towards being the kind of Mom and Stepmom that I want to be. The kind that our Kids deserve.


Anonymous said...

I am glad you were honest with our self. You are a great mom and step mom, which is once again proven by the fact that you were willing to do something about the way you were feeling. Hang in there!

stepblog said...

I know this must have been (and is) incredibly hard. Thanks for sharing it with us and know that we're thinking of you out here in blogville.

InterstellarLass said...

We've had some ups and downs in our step-family too. And honestly, it's coming along better than I had hoped. We still have work. Always will. Hang in there and stay strong. Good for you for being honest with yourself and your family.

Anonymous said...

thanks for sharing. it's important that people hear about the downs as well as the ups. no one should pretned to be perfect, it's so much better for everyone to be realistic, evven when it hurts so badly. Thanks for being honest with us too.

leather82 said...

The best thing you can do is be honest and share your feelings with your spouse. He may not like what he hears, but it's truthful and he needs to be able to help you get through this. I too have a lot of frustration with my situation of being a mother of 2 daughers and custodial step-mother of 2 daughters. It is challenging especially when it seems my step-daughters are easily influenced by constant prying from their mother into our lives. They are confused and it bothers me that they have to be subjected to this childish behavior. So, whatever you do...always be real and honest with yourself and share with your spouse.