Friday, April 7, 2006

Breastfeeding 101: Or How To Poison Your Baby In 5 Easy Steps

1) When a recipe calls for both garlic AND onions, don't be so stoopid as to think that cutting back on the onions will make it OK for you to double-up on the garlic. This does not do a damn thing to lessen the painful gas producing qualities that will be transferred to your unsuspecting breastfed infant many hours later.

2) Cayenne Pepper in ANY amounts, no matter how miniscule you might think, will be detected by your baby's sensitive palette turning your boobies into hated melons kiwis of fire.

3) NEVER add garlic, onions and cayenne in the SAME RECIPE unless you are hell-bent on killing your baby.

4) And never make a recipe that calls for garlic, onions, and cayenne pepper the day before you will come down with the virus from hell that brings on aches, chills and a fever because you will be at the mercy of a baby whose tummy is filled with noxious gas THANKS TO YOU and will not lay down because OHMYGOD the pain and you will have to distract them from their misery by a combination of a vibrating bouncy seat and Baby Einstein video at 3 in the morning. You do know what karma is, right?

5) The next morning, when you are sleep deprived and go to pour yourself a cup of coffee that your sadistic caffeine addicted husband made from a bag of highly-caffeinated coffee that comes with its own warning. Pay attention to the warning and DO.NOT.DRINK.IT. I mean, really, what did your baby ever do to you?

8 comments:

:o) said...

I'm sorry you had a rough day and night. I had to laugh at the kiwis of fire, though.

Just be happy in the fact your baby won't remember this and cannot say, eeeewwww gross! Is that what we're having for lunch/dinner...!

Anonymous said...

Wow, You are truly insane... Caffine in small amounts...okay...garlic...okay....onions...okay, and pepper of any kind once again....okay.

Anonymous said...

Agree with the previous comment! All of those things are totally ok for most babies. Maybe yours is especially sensitive? Hope it got better for you!

MrsP said...

I eat tons of cayenne pepper on EVERYTHING, everyday, all day (my husband says I'm addicted, chasing the HOT high!) and my baby doesn't mind my milk at all. Lol.

Anonymous said...

same here. All of those things are superfoods and therefore should not harm your baby or change the taste of your milk. If anything, they should enhance the quality of your milk. I've been sick so to help naturally cure myself (I have sinusitis) I've been eating a lot of garlic and cayenne pepper among other things and my baby has been fine. Caffeine isnt good for anyone though, baby OR mother.

Anonymous said...

Um. Yeah. I agree. I ate habanero peppers and cayenne peppers, onions, garlic.....all of it while pregnant and breastfeeding with both my children and never had problems. Onions can be stimulating and caffeine(of course)so just watch your intake of those. Some babies are truly more sensitive than others.

Anonymous said...

So, thanks for providing an answer to the question I've been searching for. I just inadvertently ate a habanero--didn't realize that's what it was---and HOLY CRAP!!!!! I won't do that again! I was crying, my lips, mouth and throat were ON FIRE!!! I was wondering if my baby will be hating me in a few hours, and if I should pump & dump??? Thanks for the last comment that said you ate habaneros and it was ok. Here's hoping mine is, too!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for all those comments am relieved I can eat the cayenne