Friday, December 11, 2009

For My Own Edification

But you two always seemed so happy! Yeah, we did. On the outside. Isn't that always the case? Unhappy couples excel at hiding their pain and convincing the world that they are happy. And sometimes, they even manage to convince themselves that they are happy. At least this was the case in my marriage.
I convinced myself that I was happy enough. That it could always be worse.
Prince Charming convinced himself that we had worked through our troubles, when really we merely swept them under the rug.
We were simply going through the motions.
But the marriage was broken. Irreparable. And the unhappiness took over.
So much of that unhappiness can be seen on this blog, if you look close enough and get past the "Oh, she is just a bitter stepparent" stigma.
The simple truth is that Prince Charming and I both were not able to be the kind of partner that the other needed.
It didn't happen overnight.
It was years in the making.
Years of arguing. Pleading. Therapy. Followed by resignation.
And after many attempts no amount of King's horses or King's men could put Humpty Dumpty back together again.
It was my call. My words that started the process to ending our marriage.
He's hurt. He's angry.
I'm not paying for a lawyer. *I* am NOT paying for another lawyer.
I can understand that. We've lost a fuckton of money to lawyers over the past 13 years.
So we agreed going the route of a mediator instead. Determined to show our kids that parents can get divorced without it turning ugly and nasty. (Cinderella is our biggest motivator. She has seen more ugly and nasty than necessary.)
But even a mediator has proven to great for our budget.
We've tried to remain friendly but with so much raw emotion that has proven difficult, if not impossible, especially on his end.
Words go unspoken, emails unanswered, face-to-face dealing are awkward and hostile.
Feelings and opinions are repressed and replaced by passive-aggressive behaviors or pissy texts.
So now we are in this limbo - splitting our time between the (rental) home we tried building with the kids and our respective corners the rest of the time.
There are so many parallels to his divorce with Maleficent it's scary. But when you consider the one common denominator in both of these situations, it's not that surprising. And quite frankly, it has me feeling a bit defeated for we all know how long things have dragged on with them.
I don't know when or how things will move forward.
In the meantime, I am part-time Mom, part-time single gal trying to move on, get my groove back, rediscover who I am and learn how to be happy.
I believe we both deserve that.


Marion McDonald said...

It makes me so sad to read your words. I know many of us who have the priveledge to read your blog have found it because we've been looking for someone to show us how it's done. Over time we've come to understand that nobody can show us what to do - only how to handle ourselves with grace under extraordinary pressures. The situations we, as step-mothers (and step-fathers) find ourselves in are kept a secret. We don't see them in TV soaps. We don't read about them in books. But we live them every day. Seldom have I found anyone with the strength and courage that has come clearly through your posts, and whilst I still don't have the answer you have helped me to see how I can be the bigger person. I know you are now going through a whole new chapter and that it might be harder than all that's come before, but I'm sure that you will continue with the same high standards as you have always kept, and probably continue to teach us a thing or two. Everyone is thinking of you, and my prayers are with you.

Anonymous said...

Thanks so much.

You inspired me to start my own blog - reading your words made me feel, for the first time, that someone else understood.

So many stepmums seem to fall out of the blogging world when they separate from their partners. We know it happens often enough from the stats.

So thanks, too, for continuing to tell your story when you can. If anything it's gotten even more relevant and important to your readers.

The Wicked Stepmonster said...

Your post sounds like it is ringing from the unspoken words I feel.

I sendyou great hugs.

Marty, a.k.a. canape said...

This is one of those times when I wish it wasn't a blog comment, because I don't have anything to say. I just wish I could pour you another cup of coffee and reach out for your hand. To be quiet and just listen.

Thinking of you.

Other Mommy said...

This is exactly what I fear will happen with me and hubby. There's so much anger inside him right now and so much defeat inside me. I'm here to listen if you need.

Anonymous said...

i have not been on your blog for quite some time now, and i was sad to read that you and prince charming have split. i am 33 and was with a divorced father of two girls (ages 11 and 8 now) for seven years. although we never married we lived together for four years and many of your blogs hit so close to home so many times. i just wanted to say thank you for being so brave by telling us all about your life as a second wife, stepmom and bio-mom. reading your blogs helped me to see that some of the frustration and negative feelings i had at times were normal and that i was not alone. so thanks again and best of luck to you and your beautiful family as you go through this difficult journey. my heart goes out to you.