Tuesday, February 19, 2013

How Do I Do It?





The Courage to Be a Stepmom, by Sue Patton Thoele was a book recommended to me many years ago when I first started this blog. I will admit to buying it, and reading *some* of it. I never finished it, but what I did read was pure genius and offered me just the right amount of insight I needed to trudge through the feelings I was experiencing at the time - the feelings expressed in this post, which continues to get feedback and comments more than any other post...five years after it was first published.

So... you want to know how I've done it? Try this book. And if you have other recommendations for the small community of fellow Stepmoms that I am blessed to have here, please share in the comments section.

13 comments:

soulshinemoments said...

Your blog has me hooked! I've enjoyed so much reading your entries. You are a wonderful step-mother and have inspired me in my step-mother journey. I hope you continue to write! xo

Jacquelyn said...

Please post an update on "Cinderella" I am a new step mom and i can't imagine "my" girls going through that...Love and respect.

Jacquelyn

Krista said...

I found your blog on Monday and have been reading at every opportunity since...and quite frankly I don't know where to start or even what to say.

I can't imagine the struggles you've been through, first with Cinderella's custody agreements and then with your own divorce and then everything that's happened since... But it seems like you have done an amazing job and honestly I'm in awe.

It's been several months now since you've posted and I'm hoping that things with Cinderella are alright. I have so many questions but know that my curiosity certainly pales in comparison to you needing to actually live your life instead of updating *US*.

Just know that, from one stranger to another, I'm hoping things are okay in your corner of the world.

Beth said...

Thanks for the recommendation on the book. I've been looking for a good one as I'm 3 years into my stepmum role and still getting tripped up by stuff.. It's so much harder than people realise.
Thanks for your help :)

Step Wife said...

I have been a stepmom for almost 7 years now. I think its important for stepmoms to support each other by sharing stories, advice, and experience. We are not alone and need to stick together! Please show your support and follow my blog! http://stepwifelife.blogspot.com/

Amethyst80 said...

Hello my fellow wicked step mother! I too am a step mom and have a bio daughter that struggels with suicide ideation and self harming. When have been in and out of the wards over this past two years. I will tell you it does get better when the right types of supports are found. I am happy to say we have been safe for the past 6 months now. Hang in there and remember that you need support too, it is easy to forget about your own emotional needs when dealing with the troubles of a child. But, make time for yourself and to sort through your own emotions in regards to her struggles and the hardest thing to remember is that it is not your fault.

Onemom said...

Hi I'm four years into a ver difficult stepmom role and I have come to realize I need help. I have read your blogs and all the replies and already I'm starting to feel hopefull. Thank you for sharing a part of your life it really helps to know I'm not crazy and now I know I'm also not alone.

Heather Dippel said...

Where did you go? I wonder how you are often!

Marlys Marie said...

I am the Bio-mom of 4 kids & I taught my kids to hate their 'N' Word Stepmom, - Rule #1 Stepmom Is Not Their Mom, #2 Stepmom is 'N', Rule #3 Stepmom stole ur Dad from our family & they swear at her or insult her Stepmom every time they hear from her or see her. My kids worship the ground I walk on - I taught them to hate their dad & swear at him & hang up on him when was call us I did those every chance I got, my kids saw this &. Now they do the same they know whom they are as adults now. I molded my kids to quit school, argue with everyone & blame everyone for their divorced parents - & to worship me their Real Mother. I am their only Real Parent - their dad wants to stay with that 'N' word, he loves her more than his own kids. Now I am molding the grand kids, they will never love their Grandfather like they love me, that's how good I am. Left my husband with another man' skid, scammed the system outta mega food stamps & got mega child support - yep now my kids do the same - I am slick.

Madrastra said...

i have just found your site and am looking forward to reading more.. But just wanted to say hello and thanks for recommending another book. It was a book that first helped me feel less cdrazy and alone - Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin. It took me over a year to find that but I gulped it down when it arrived on my Kindle and often say thankyou to her for writing it. Thank god for books and for the internet - before I became on I had no idea what step mothering would be like. I hope in the future I will be able to help others in my way. My own blog was so important to me - but I was terrified anyone I knew would read it so it has been like a secret diary. Now I read back over the entries I see that I was never unkind or cruel - just angry and confused. Anyway, will go and read yours now! Do you mind if I link to it in mine? thanks

Anonymous said...

I need help advice.....something. I'm lost and alone. I am a mother of three boys. Ages 23, 20, and 15. Stepmother of two boys, 15 and nine. All the boys live with us. The older two are in college and work. My husband and I have lived together for four years and have been married for two. To say we've had a rocky time and relationship would be an understatement. We have both struggled with the dealing with each others kids. My husband has done more than anyone could ask for my oldest. He resents it because my oldest doesn't come across as thankful at all. No matter how many times I tell my husband I support his feelings on it he doesn't seem to believe me. When we fight it comes up I end up getting defensive and under attack. Of course then my feelings go deeper because I also feel as if he truly hares my youngest......then there is my dealings with his kids....I love his children very much as much as my own but in a different way. I struggled at first with the youngest but not his oldest. We had what I thought was a great relationship. He was so easy to talk to and so helpful and charismatic. Over the last year hes been in a lot of trouble. I can almost pinpoint the day he started getting into things he shouldn't have and hanging out with the wrong crowd. That was when our what I thought of as an extremely strong relationship started to crumble...all of the sudden I was the evil step mom. I became the enemy. As a couple my husband and I punished him...J my stepson resented me more because I'm the one who makes sure the punishment sticks. I am typically the enforcer. I hare seeing any of the boys walk all over my husband. I started being accused of being harder on J my husband would say it and so would J. J would hear my husband say it. J kept getting in more trouble at school. Was failing everything. Things just kept getting worse...we had to be harder on him he kept blamming me except when he was mad at his dad then I was his friend again..
And that is the cycle we are still in. He pushes me I get mad he accuses me of treating him different and tells his dad. His dad gets mad and we go round and round. Ive put my heart and soul into trying to help J. Hes had a hard life and had ti deal with a lot. Now I feel betrayed and a simple I'm sorry isn't enough. Its made my marriage.worse and I truly believe its going to split us up. If I tell him I'm not making any decisions j gets mad and still accuses me of treating him different. If I make decisions and he doesn't like them we end up arguing and accuses me of being harder on him and then his dad gets mad at me. Ive never dealt with a child that has gotten in the troubled he has. I don't have the answers. I have no idea how to stop.this cycle and need help...my husband WILL not do counsoling. I feel as I'm alone and going to lose my husband and his two boys who I love

Anonymous said...

Its been 17 months since your last blog. I can only think something catastrophic must of happened to your family and I really send you many good wishes.

Hopeing to 'read' you soon.

A fan in the UK xx

C, from Confessionsofocstepmom.blogspot.com said...

So glad to find you and other step mom blogs... I'm starting to get more active here since my step kids hit teenage-hood. :)
http://confessionsofocstepmom.blogspot.com