Forgiveness

Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on.

My abuser died last month.
And with his death rose a myriad of emotions I wasn't expecting.
Relief. Anger. Grief.
Relief knowing that no other little girls would fall victim to his sick perversions.
Anger because of the lack of adequate punishment for his actions, and the lack of protection I received from my parents during and after the abuse stopped.
Grief over the loss of my innocence and the person I could have been; the relationships I could have had but was robbed of due to my walls of armor and inability to trust.
He's dead but I still have to live with the painful memories and work through the fears.
Fear of being vulnerable.
Fear of being disappointed and let down... again.
Fear of trusting another human being.
Fear of feeling ...anything.
Forgiveness is the key to fully moving on.
I've come to understand that forgiving doesn't mean letting him off the hook for what he did to me for all those years.
It's something I need to do for myself and that it can only be achieved by coming from a place of love and compassion.
I'm closer to getting there than I ever was before, but I'm not there yet.
I know it will come. I know one day something in me will shift and that door can be closed for good.
But that door is heavy, laden with years of guilt... shame... fear... anger.
So for now all I can do is keep pushing, slowly inching my way closer to healing.