Friday, January 8, 2010

Dichotomy Bites

Hello, you've reached the Winter of my Discontent.

The dichotomy of my life at present is starting to become monotonous.
Prince Charming and I have worked out a temporary shared custody schedule while we try and sort out a formal separation agreement to file.
(At the time of this writing, "sort out" means ignore all attempts to move towards this goal AT ALL COSTS. Whatever.)
Living under the same roof wasn't doing me any good and only adding to the tension and resentment.
(Several weeks of sleeping on the couch will have that affect even on the most wicked among us.)
We've been living apart now since July. Each of us spending 2-3 days at home alone with the kids, while the other stays somewhere else.
My somewhere else has been at my Mom's an hour away.
And while I am grateful to have my Mom to lean on, I'm starting to feel displaced. Homeless.
I'm tripping on my own two feet as I stumble through the sometimes-single-gal sometimes-estranged-wife dance.
I feel energized and hopeful half the time. My mother's house offers me respite, down-time, unconditional love and support.
But that is quickly washed away by the toxic environment of what has been our marital home.
My kids jubilant personalities do little to combat the negative energies that live within these four walls.
I struggle to get out of bed when I am here. Push myself to do the chores left behind, organize the disorder, remain the consistent parent my kids expect me to be.
I feel like a ping pong ball being smacked back and forth across the lines of a hopeful future and a bitter past.


Anonymous said...

I'm really sorry you're having a hard time, Cate. It sounds so tough.
I hope the New Year brings you new, wonderful, unexpected joys and opportunities.

Anonymous said...

chin up baby girl

stef said...

I hope things get better in the new year.

kayla said...

I can relate to your hard times. I have 4 kids. I got pregnant when I was 16 and had my oldest son who is now diagnosed with autism, then I got married and had my daughter 2 years later. After awhile things went sour and we got a divorce. Now I am with my other half and we have two children. Our oldest being 2 and born with esophageal atresia and down syndrome and a few other complications and then we have our youngest he is 2 months old. I have such a hard time balancing things some times. I also work full time. Shuffling the kids around and deciding things are tough while your going through a divorce. I am not hear to tell you that I know what your going through exactly just that I can relate to you. Remember everything you are going through is going to make you so much stronger. Don't ever give up. Your kids need you that is what kept me going. Even though it is hard to get through the day know that you have people that care out there and that are willing to be there for you if you need support. Keep your chin up baby girl its gonna be alright. I promise.

Anonymous said...

I so feel you. The best thing I did was move out last week. But like you, I am back at my mom's and feeling like a homeless person (cause I live on the couch).
But last night as I was laying on the couch staring at the ceiling I decided I am going to stop worrying and thinking about all these things that are totally out of my control, or haven't happened yet.
I am not going to worry about what the kids had for dinner, or what they are wearing to school, or if their homework is getting done, or if bitchface has pulled anything bitchy today.
I am not going to worry about what is going to happen when we sit down to really discuss the details of the divorce.
I am going to just live in my moment right now, and think about me, and what I need to do for me.
That's it. Because if I do anything other than that I will not make it through this in one piece.
Hugs, I send you lots of peaceful thoughts.

mathcutie said...

I love othermommy's comment. Live in the moment.