Wednesday, October 5, 2005

Favoritism? Or Loving Differently?

It is my wish that the word "favoritism" never be used in a family ... especially a blended family of step and biological children. I personally find this term to be so offensive and guilt-producing that I cant bear to hear it. Just look at how it's defined:

1: an inclination to favor some person or group
2: unfair treatment of a person or group on the basis of prejudice [syn: discrimination]


Prejudice?? Discrimination?!?

Ick.

When I married my husband, there was an expectation (both on his part as well as my own) that I would love my stepdaughter as much as any other child created from our union. And why would we not believe that to be the case? After all, my own stepmother has always told me that she loved my brother and I as if we were her own children. Loving us came naturally to her. She loved us both unconditionally. So, of course I would want to model myself after her and firmly believed that my love for my stepdaughter would come with the same ease as her love for me.

There is one flaw with this theory, however... my stepmom never had any children of her own. She had nothing else with which to compare the love she felt for us; it was the only parent/child love she ever knew.

I became aware of this glaring difference when I was expecting my first child. While going over last minute details with my hubby, I expressed my desire for some alone time after the baby was born -- this meant discouraging visits from friends, extended family, and... my step-daughter (with whom he shares 50/50 custody). My request seemed innocent enough: if we were to come home from the hospital on one of his custodial days I wanted his ex to keep my stepdaughter for a few extra days allowing us some quiet time to get settled.

My husband was instantly hurt by my request. He had always suspected that I did not love his daughter the same as he did and that I would treat her differently than our own children, and BY GOLLY now here I was verifiying his suspicions by wanting some alone time with our soon-to-be newborn son. I, of course, felt incredibly guilty for having had the GAUL to suggest such a thing and tried to explain my way out of it and denied the offensive allegations entirely.

However, I soon discovered that there is absolutely no bond as strong as that between a parent and their bio-children. This is especially true for mothers... for, if we're lucky, we had an actual physical connection with our children for 9 incredible months. (This, I feel, may provide mothers with an even stronger bond than fathers for whom, without a uterus, could not possibly know what it's like to have another living creature growing inside of you -- no matter how many times they may have watched Alien. But I digress.)

The difference between being a
mis-guided vs. an effective stepparent is being honest about the "unique" feelings you have towards your stepchildren, instead of trying to deny them. I will not feel guilty having different feelings towards my stepdaughter than my own child(ren). A stepparent/stepchild bond is socially, not biologically, created. It is not automatic but it can grow over time.

The reality is, my feelings towards my stepdaughter were not the same as my husbands, and they are not the same as my feelings towards my own child(ren). But does this mean that I do NOT care about her? Noooo. I want what's best for her. I want her to be happy. I want her to feel safe and secure and loved and special. And I want to beat the living snot out of anyone who makes her feel less than that.

What matters most is that I love all my children in their own special way. I love each of them differently... but with the same intensity that only a mother can.

26 comments:

Kate said...

My first "steps" came in the form of grandchildren; I was already crazy about the kids, because they had been my neighbors - my daughter fell in love with the divorced guy next door. They were easy to love and so I did. My MIL didn't find it as easy: "Don't you want children of your own?" she'd ask my daughter. "Grandma, these children need love too." my daughter said.

We grew angry time after time when that side of the family insisted on telling everyone they'd introduce them to that these were not "their" great-grandkids, but were "steps". The children were hurt to be considered "different" by them.

Some years later, another daughter presented us with our first biological grandchild. We found that the love is still the same regardless of whether it's a bio or a step. But there is a different kind of bond because you've got the bio kids from the moment they are born - and somehow there seems to be a difference because you weren't holding the steps from the moment of their birth.

(Hope you don't mind that I dropped by!)

Kate

Wicked Stepmom said...

Kate: Thanks for sharing your experience as a "step"grandma. Your grandchildren are truly blessed to have so many bonus family members to love them. My stepdaughter is equally as lucky for ALL of my parents (steps, included) welcomed her into the family without hesitation ... they are each equal opportunity spoilers! :)

KC said...

I enjoyed reading this post and the stepmother's bill of rights. One thing to add: I decide how I feel about my stepchildren. Most of these other rights I've had to negotiate the hard way.

My husband announced that my teenaged stepdaughter was coming to live with us whether I liked it or not just two days before our marriage. My first mistake was not calling off the wedding. I stood by helplessly as he gave her everything without making her earn it (through chores and good grades); he never told her no. He allowed her to disrespect me and overrode any punishment I handed out. He insisted I refer to her as "our daughter," but in truth I resented this evil monster who seemed intent on destroying our marriage. Finally, my first bio-child was born and I knew I would never feel the same about my stepdaughter.

When I look at my bio-child, whom I carried in my body for nine months, I see a cornucopia of people whom I love.

When I look at my stepdaughter, I see a manipulative adult loser who is the product of years of her mother's neglect and my husband's denial. It's easy to pity her, as my husband does. His pity has produced an unemployed high school dropout with a criminal record and a view that she's entitled to mooch off of us indefinitely. I love my stepdaughter because she is my husband's child; however, I don't like the person that she is.

For years, she accused me of not treating her the "same" as my bio-child. Even if she were my bio-child, why would I ever treat a teenager the same as a baby? But, I decided she was right: it was time to step up to the plate as a parent. I kicked her out of my home. This is what my parents would have done to me if I were an unemployed adult dropout.

It's been hard on my husband; he doesn't like seeing her living in a trailer with relatives and subsiding on food stamps. She calls five times a day to rub it in. But, she enrolled in a job training program, and it's the first thing she has stuck with in over four years.

The bottom line: you don't have to like your stepchildren as people. But sometimes, you're the best parent they've got.

Ashley said...

Let me tell something, as a step daughter, the feeling of favoratism between my stepmother and her biological children is very present when in comparison to myself.

I am put down daily, and treated as though I am retarded.

"Ashley god you are so stupid." Sister
"God I hate you just shut up!" Brother
"Go away, just go back up to your room and don't show your face." StepMother
"I wish you would just get out!" StepMother

"You're such a bitch!"Sister

I come to their defence all the time, I try to tell them that I'm not an invisible person who has no feelings. I am a massage therapist, when my family is hurting I don't hesitate to help them out.

I do my chores like they ask, the dusting, vacuuming, the dishwasher because my sister will not do it; the bathroom and others.

I do have a physical disability and wear leg braces, on my bad days using a cane to walk.

I also have ADHD which causes me to unfortunatly talk much, sometimes annoying them.

I however am smart, I am an EMT despite the disability; I graduated 3rd in massage therapy with honors, as well as fourth in highschool the first in the state of Pennsylvania to get a perfect score on my NOCTI (National Occupational Certificate Testing Institute) Written exam and was one away from advanced certification on the hands on portion.

I am in no way retarded as my siblings portray me. I am walked on all the time and it hurts to the point where it makes me want to die. I am yelled at even when I explain that something is not my fault, and I cannot take it.

Despite not having a lisence yet I am moving at the end of the month in order to leave for my own health and sanity.

Does it sound like this woman whom my father married is giving equal rights?

I have known her since I was 4 and at first she was perfect, but in 96 when she had her first biological child, things went down hill. Things are now so bad that I am not sure what to do anymore, I try to stay out of the way and get yelled out for minding my own space of the house. That I'm not participating... well who would want to when they get treated like the proverbial dung heap?

Wicked Stepmom said...

Ashley,

Thanks so much for sharing your story and offering a bit of insight from the "other side." I am sorry to hear of your situation. I can't help but wonder where Dad is in all of this, and if he knows of your feelings.

I hope that you will one day find happiness and peace in your life and with your family. And good luck with becoming a massage therapist and CONGRATS for all of your accomplishments!

claire said...

ashley,
wow. you sound alot like my step-daughter. she takes no fault. in my life i have learned that i have a part in EVERYTHING. where have you been at fault? honestly, i find it hard to believe that you have given all these people absolutely no reason to resent you.

Anonymous said...

Whew! It is great to see that someone else has felt the need for some alone time at home with hubby and bio child after the baby's birth! I love my stepdaughter, albeit in a different way from my bio child, and would never want to hurt her. She was with my hubby and I in the delivery room when we had our son and it was important to us that she was there and a part of it. I felt some guilt and fear about wanting some time as just the three of us after the birth but my hubby completely understood and supported my decision. She now lives with us full time and she loves her brother and he adores her. I wouldn't have done it any differently and I don't think it was unfair of me to ask for that time because afterall, you only get one first week with your babies!!

Anonymous said...

I am an adult stepchild,33, of a very wicked stepmother who has been with my father since I was 16. My father raised me. We were very close. As soon as I was 18 this lady wanted him to move away with her. She had been married previously had three children of her own and had also raised stepchildren from a previous marriage and decided this time around that she didn't want the stepmother role. Just the marriage. She has basicly succeeded at getting my father to care about her own children and distancing him from his own. This lady has never attempted to have a relationship with me which has made it that more difficult for me to continue a relationship with my father and I resent her for it. There was a time when I was younger that I wanted my father to find a wife. I would have liked to have had a second mother to care about that cared about me. See ladies it is all in the approach. Treat your stepchildren with the love and respect they deserve and they will eventually love you for it. Be a sarcastic bitch who only cares about yourself, try to steal their father away and they will hate you and will spit on your grave.

Anonymous said...

Anon -

I have to ask, why is your father not being held accountable for HIS behavior and not maintaining his relationship with you? Seems to me if he was any father at all he wouldn't let ANYONE affect his relationship with his daughter. I understand it's easier to place all the blame on your stepmom, but he's an adult too, as are you, and can/should be held accountable for his actions.

Anonymous said...

I've listened to so many other people tell me what being a stepmother is like and how there's no way to describe the joy of being a biological mother. I've encouraged it. Infact friends are planning me a "step baby shower" to offer support and celebrate the role I'm entering. I understand that there are differences. However, the bond I have with my soon-to-be stepdaughter is the most rewarding and wonderful relationship with the exception of my fiance i have ever had. We've been living together for almost three years and since well before she can remember. She will be five and start kindergarten soon. It hurts my heart that our relationship comes as the result of an empty place where stability and love should be. Her and I both struggle to find our place and who we belong to in this prexisting family. We're making it ours though. I am only here because of someone elses mistakes. . .a teenage pregnancy to be specific. I never want her to feel like anything less than a full member and the first child in this famly. It amazes me the way that she expresses her feelings and desires in such an adult way. I'm blessed that we communicate so well. We're not supposed to love eachother as much as we do. She's supposed to love her REAL Mommy more and I'm supposed to save this love, time and money for my own children. Loyalty is always an issue. Mommy is always mad and baby girl's afraid to upset her a lot (bless her poor heart). The unfortunate reality is that she has to lie a lot about her feelings and the majority of her life that is spend either with me or with me and her Daddy. I hate that she has to lie and that her Mother makes it impossible for her to share things with her but with no options to make anything better with Mommy, all I can do is stay back and give hugs and support when at her age she has to question such important things. Even that gives us a stronger bond. I am safety. She can be honest with me. I just wish her Mother would understand and accept these things and her daughter even if she tries on my perfume or wears her hair like mine. While I can never shelter her, I can help guide her and feel safe no matter what. My children will be blessed to have such a wonderful big sister and I've poured more of myself than anyone has into her. She was born perfect and even though I wasn't there, we've grown to be closer than I think I've ever been with another person. I taught her to use the potty. She's reading book and some music because of the things that I've taught her. What she's taught me about the world life and love she won't ever understand until there's someone that she loves so much and needs her. We are ourselves because of eachother and my life will never be the same of complete without her. I don't think that responsiblity is something that you are given or could be forced upon you. Responsiblity is when you love something or someone enough to make them part of who you are and to do the best you are capable of.
My little girl worries that one day I'll have another baby and I won't love her as much anymore. I tell her (because I'm sure of it) that there will be more love because your heart gets bigger when there's more people to share your love with. I tell her often that I'll always love her as much as I do and how special she is to me. I tell her different is good and how lucky I am to share so much with her. I had it rough as a step child and neglected child but somehow giving her what she needs heals my heart. The place that she's filled in my heart couldn't be more special than if she'd come from my body.
I'm not ready for children of my own. One day I will be, but not until my little blessing has everything she needs. We have a deal that once she's old enough to babysit that she can have sibblings. She tells me that she will teach them to do all the things that we do together. I think giving her something close to what she gives me by loving me and trusting me the way that she does would be the greatest thing I could share with her.
It may be out there but, I can't imagine anything more beautiful and special than our mixed up little family. I think we're very lucky to have eachother.
She was two when she first started giving Daddy her rings and asking him to make me her new Mommy. Now we're picking out our dresses together. On my wedding day I will have my two best friends and loves of my life becoming a family with me. I'm the luckiest woman in the world!
Wish me luck!
-Rose

FUTURECOOL@MYSPACE.COM said...

ERIC AND I MET 4 YEARS AGO,WHEN WE FELL IN LOVE AND DECIDED TO LIVE TOGETHER.HE HAS 2 BOYS AND THEY WERE 4 AND 8 WHEN WE FIRST MET.I CAN'T SAY THAT I LOVE HIS KIDS ANY LESS THAN MY OWN-BECAUSE I DON'T.IT DOSEN'T MATTER THAT I WASN'T THERE WHEN THEY WERE BABIES.THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS IS THEY ARE KIDS AND DIDN'T ASK TO HAVE A STEP-MOM,ESPECIALY ONE WHO IS MEAN.I TREAT THEM EXACTLY THE WAY I TREAT MY OWN,AND SO DOSE MY FAMILY.HOWEVER ERIC'S MOM DOSEN'T TREAT MY KIDS THE SAME.
HERE ARE SOME EXAMPLES OF SOME OF THE THINGS SHE HAS DONE.....
#1 WE WENT SCHOOL SHOPPING AND SHE WANTED TO GO TO THE STORE WE WENT TO,SO WE HAD STOPED FOR SUPPER AT ONE OF THE A&W ROOTBEER/LONG JOHN SILVERS WHERE WE OREDER FOR US AND ALL THREE KIDS ,EVEN OFFERED TO BUY HERS.SHE SAID NO,AFTER SHE PLACED HER ORDER AND WAS CARRING HER FOOD TO THE TABLE WERE SHE SAT WITH ALL THREE KIDS.SHE HAD ON HER TRAY 3 ROOTBEER FLOATS-DON'T YOU KNOW SHE SAT THERE AND DRANK THEM IN FRONT OF MY DAUGHTER-GIVING HER 2 GRANDSONS EACH ONE AND LEAVING MY DAUGHTER OUT.
# HALLOWEEN-MY KIDS GET A PIECE OF CANDY HER BOYS GET A NEAT SACK WITH THERE NAME ON IT,GIFT CARDS AND ALL KINDS OF COOL STUFF.WITH MY FAMILY ALL THE KIDS GET THE SAME THING PERIOD.WHEN WE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT IT-THE NEXT HALLOWEEN ALL THE KIDS GOT THE SAME BAG,MAKING IT LOOK LIKE THEY WERE GETTING THE SAME THINGS,BUT AS SOON AS ERIC TURNED HIS HEAD SHE GRABS 2 BIG HANDFULLS AND PUT THEM IN THE BOYS BAGS RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.WE DON'T GO TO HER HOUSE ANYMORE.
#3 THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS TO LIST-LONG STORY SHORT I STOOD UP TO HER AFTER ERIC HAD SPOKE TO HER MANY TIMES WITH NO CHANGE.
SHE TOLD THE BOYS NOT TO SHARE WITH MY KIDS AT ALL.I LET HER HAVE IT I TOLD HER THAT IF HER GIFTS CAME WITH STRINGS ATTACHED TO THEM,THEN THEY WERE NOT WELCOME AT MY HOUSE-HAVEN'T TALKED TO HER IN A LONG TIME AND WONT UNTIL SHE APOLOGIZES TO US AND CAN SEE HER WRONG........DON'T SEE THAT HAPPING

Anonymous said...

My heart breaks for any child that is treated less than they should be.I have a particular hard problem and need help.

I'm in a plural marriage,I'm the second Mom and work outside the home part-time. The 1st mom works inside the home, and is the kids legal step mom.She has one bio-child with Dad, and a dtr from a previous relationship There is one other Mom with 3 bio children from the Dad, but she is handicapped and is Dad's legal ex-wife...she helps around the home.

I have two kids of my own. Dad loves all the children for the most part the same. However Step-Mom #1 doesn't not treat the children the same. She favors her bio children, and its apparent! I finally confronted her about it. She named every bad quality of Dad bio-kids, for her reason for treating them ill. She did not name any bad qualities about her own kids. She told me they need to cry and get over it. Dad knows there is favorites, but lets #1 have her way.

These kids are good, they just need love and guidance. They are afraid to complain about favorites to the Dad or step-mom...help!How can I get them to open up?

MM

stepmomtogirls said...

I know that this is a really old post, but I just wanted to comment that reading this post made me feel better about my situation.

I have added your blog to mine. =)

TONI B. said...

I know this post is pretty old but I was so happy to read it. I am a step daughter as well as a stepmother to a beautiful three year old girl. Luckily for me I've been in her life since she was only one so our transition into one family wasn't really hard. I don't have any children of my own as of yet but this subject has always been on my mind. Will i love her the same when my chidren are born? I try my best to make sure she knows that I love her...it's really important to me that she knows that before her father and I have our own children. As a step daughter I never felt my stepmom loved me and my brothers... she favored her children and always referred to us as step, which I always thought was weird since my father never did that with her children. I thought she had it pretty well... my mother was never around (lived in another state) and we where with her full time from the ages of 4, 6, & 11...she didn't have any competetition and NEVER had to talk to my mom. I bet we would have even called her mom if she let us. Anyway, I say all of that to say for the last two years I have been trying my hardest to be everything to my step daughter that she wasn't to me...but i fear that I might love my children more than i love her... I really hope that doesn't happen. I never want her to feel alienated.

Anonymous said...

"The protagonist of folktale is always, and intensely, a young person moving through ordeals into adult life. . . . and this is why there are no wicked stepchildren in the tales."— Jill Paton Walsh

My step-daughters moved in with us at ages 3,5, and 7. The 7 year old had been running her mom's home for a long time as their mother was a self absorbed drug user who eventually died of a drug over dose when they were 18, 16 and 14, but not before her boyfriend sexually abused the two youngest during their court ordered summer vacation time when they were 5 and 7. They joined the house when my kids were 3,4 and 10. Five years later my husband and I had the ours child. I was called mom by all of them. I also parented all of them. I have been through chicken pox, vomiting, school programs, conferences and homework for all of them. I have cooked and cleaned, sewed, listened and now I am the wicked stepmother because I also set limits and implemented rules, consequences and said no when it was time. For this I have had the oldest two call me names I can't print here. Seems like all of the love and attention has created wicked stepchildren. Maybe folk tales should be written by moms lamenting their children.

Anonymous said...

I know it's old but I feel like leaving a comment on your post. I really like what you have to say. I do not have any biological children, but I am a custodial step-mom to a wonderful 4 year old boy whom I do love as much as I imagine any parent can love a child. Part of the frustrations I have had with his bio-mother actually come from me wondering why she won't put her child first when I am. That said, it will not surprise me when my love for my own biological children is different.

One thing I feel should be added to your thoughts is the fact that, actually, caregiving promotes a chemical response in the brain of both the caregiver and the receiver of care. The love a near full-time stepparent may feel for his or her stepchild actually is a type of biological love. The bond between the two is not entirely socialized. It is not the SAME as the biological bond that is created in the womb, but the intensity of both types varies extremely from person to person. Some stepmothers may love their stepchildren in a very similar way as the children's bio-father loves them. Other times she may never develop a deep connection. In some cases, the hormones during pregnancy may not have been released to the full extent and the bio-mother may have a hard time bonding with her child. (I have a good friend for whom this was the case.)

All love is going to be different in types and intensity. The important thing is to give all children in the household respect and equity.

Anonymous said...

Ehhh...you know, it's the weirdest thing, but every single person I know who grew up or married into a blended family has had nothing but negative things to say about it. People need to start sticking to their vows and stop running away when marriage becomes work. Then we wouldn't have to deal with evil stepchildren and wicked stepmothers! WHAT A THOUGHT!! And if you don't want to deal with stepchildren, then DON'T MARRY A MAN WITH KIDS! Phew! It's really hard to use your head sometimes. There are plenty of good men out there who do not have kids.

Anonymous said...

I love this post beng that I ca tell you wrote this coming from your heart. :) Reading this assured me that although my Step-motehr has chidren of her own now, she still loves me as much as she does he any other children but "differently" because I'm not actually her biological step-child. Thank you Sooooo much I was considering just leaving the house because I didn't feel equally loved at home, but we had this talk and she assured me that she loved me just differently and reading this blog assured me that Step-mothers can be wonderful, awesome, caring people. :)

Anonymous said...

I have been a step parent for 16 years to girls. Their Mom is a difficult alcoholic and withholds the kids visits to 1 or 2 times a year despite court intervention. As the girls are now over 18 I find they have lied and concealed so many things from us, such as multiple serious arrests, DUI, Cocaine, Assault. They both have unplanned pregnancies and have just become alien to us. They are real nice when they need something but angry and hateful if turned down. I confess they don;t ask for much. Their Mom is still very manipulative and verbally attacks us. She claims we never paid the exorbiant child support, we did, we have the online records. The ex has sewn such venom in the girls now that they are adults I just see a shell of the kids I sort of knew. We moved out of state to retire and I hope to lose contact with them. I feel awful but I am tired of all the lies, drugs, alcohol, pregnancies and just plain fake people. Sadly, moving on, husband feels disconnected too, we are worn out and want to retire in humble settings and peace.

cialis said...

Hello, I do not agree with the previous commentator - not so simple

CCD said...

Every situation is different. I love my step-daughter who I have now adopted. But my roles as her parent weren’t clearly identified until I moved in with my husband. I have a son of my own, so I had experience with raising kids. It was apparent to me that I would become a full-time parent to my husband’s daughter without the help of the biological mother, who had left her when she was 9 months old and moved out to California shortly after the baby turned 1. The bio mom had cheated on my husband and there were plans for divorce. After the divorce was finalized I came into the picture and shortly after that I could see that bio mom had not let go of my husband. She would call and talk to my husband about personal things, which I was against and wanted my husband to only talk to her about the child. My husband started making her take responsibility for the child and that is when all hell broke loose. This woman was out to ruin my life. She blogged about me and degraded every part of me and created trust issues for me and my husband. She put us through court battles and then at the drop of a hat she just surrendered her rights as a parent. I was not prepared for it at all. But even after the adoption I still did not develop a bond or connection to my husband’s daughter. I was just there to fill the role of “mom”. I feel guilty for not feeling that connection, but I can’t beat myself up for it for I am not the biological mother and I can’t force myself to feel something I don’t feel. I can just care for her and love her. The biological mom has since wanted to reunite with her daughter after 2 years. After they have met I know in my heart that I will never have that connection and that is something I just have to deal with for the rest of my.

Anonymous said...

I hope someone sees this as it is an very old post. All I can ask as an adult step child is please don't show favoritism its hurtful to children and adults as well, and as stepgrandparents please make a point to make an effort to try and love your stepgrandkids the same. They will know its real and love you for it. Also your stepchild will cherish you for genuinely loving their children. :)
People dont know the deep hurt that blatant favoritism can cause when it comes to a grandparent or stepgrandparent showing love to their bio grandkids or another grandchild and treat yours as friends of the family or not contacting them or wanting to have a relationship with them. I hope this helps to change someones attitude and help a family to come closer. :) My children are a product of my mil treating them as friends of the family and my step mom showing favoritism. My bio mom passed in 05 (Bless her Soul)she loved my kids sooo much Im her only child. My mil has 2 other favorites which one stays with her almost every weekend and that she throws parties for etc but wont pick up the phone to see how my kids are doing( which is a lot worse because thats her blood its a very sad situation) same as stepmom she gives her grandkids the world but when we visit she doesnt even try to have a relationship with mine shes nice to them but thats it although we visit often (every other month or so and on holidays we live within 45 minutes to an hour from them both, I no longer visit mil due to this I do visit my dad) Everyone always compliments me on how sweet and well behaved my kids are even stepmom but they just dont care to bother to bond with them stepmoms main pic on facebook is of her 2 bio grandkids and mil just cares less about them its extremely sad and im now distancing myself and my kids from anyone that treats my kids as such its a sad sad situation and again I hope my situation can strike a cord with someone and open their eyes and hearts to better another family or maybe someone can relate.
mil has attended a total of 4 bday parties between my two kids in almost 12 years, I give them a bday perty every year. Again they are there for all of the favs bdays, and often throw the bday parties thereselves. Stepmoms family took me in during summers and whenever I visited and tried not to show favoritism and made me feel as part as the family with bdays and xmas etc. I was 9 when I met them and im greatful for that and I will never forget that.Stepmom was always nice but her true colors are blinding. Mil should just be Ashamed. As adults stepmom is giving my step sister thousands of dollars as gifts, computers, etc. but the most Ill get is whatever stepsister gets on xmas which Im greatful for because she doent have to get me anything I dont expect nothing they invite we go and its about the kids but that really doesnt bother me its an example of what goes on I dont want or need stepmoms money Thank GOD its what she does with my kids that I dont like, but I just have to accept that this is what it is and just love my kids as I do. Again please try and never show any difference its just not worth it to risk hurting a child. That hurt can and will linger. Love the kids in your life. They are Blessings.

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Tanya Gutierrez said...

Wow! I'm sorry you have had to endure so much pain and heartache. It is very sad when women cannot put their feelings aside and instead just do the right thing. For your own sanity, it is best you just remove yourself out of this unfair situation. Just know that usually how others that you, is all about them, it has nothing to do with you, but they are unhappy with themselves and take it out on others.

Tanya Gutierrez said...

I agree Anon, where is the father? I would say the father need to put his foot down and of that doesn't work, he needs to leave and stand up for his chidren. It's sad to see that a lot of men actually don't do this.

Anonymous said...

I met my husband when his daughter was just about to turn 2. Her biological mother was in and out of her life up until she turned 2 then we no longer allowed her to see her daughter due to poor decisions she had made. My step daughter is now 4 and a half and I now have 2 of my own daughters. It is by no means easy and in my situation the biological mother is not around which actually makes thing more complicated. My step daughter knows that I am not her real mom but she seeks that maternal bond that I have with my children. Over time she has started to call me mom but its hard for me because I feel its a different kind of love I have with my step child. I find myself over flowed with frustration. One reason is cause I feel I can not talk to my husband about these things cause he just wouldn't understand and it would just turn into a battle. Everyone on the outside looking in just feels like oh she is your daughter cause her mom is not there and you should never treat her any other way. I've had someone comment on a picture of my biological children just when my youngest came home from the hospital after birth and ask where my step daughter was and that I better not forget who the real big sister is. I feel my husband will make small remarks insinuating certain things. I love my step daughter more than anything I mean jeeze I've been raising her since she was two but nobody really understand how I feel sometimes, how hard it really is I think my biggest frustration is that my husband doesn't give his daughter any boundaries when he is home from work. Her jealousy is outrageous and she feel daddy is hers and only hers when he is home this is a huge issue for me. He works 12 hour days leaving little time to spend with his family so when he is home it would be nice if he could divide his time with all of us but she makes it very very difficult. She follows him around the house expects him to play with just her every second hugs all over him, is always in his face and he never tells her to calm down and that's when I get very upset and frustrated cause she consumes all his time and he doesn't tell her no. I know most people would say oh maybe you just need to talk to him about it but I wouldn't dare. He would probably take it the wrong way so I just keep my mouth shut but I feel like its causeing some resentment. Sorry for the long post just needed to vent.
Sincerely a frustrated momma