Throughout
late 2010 and early 2011, Prince Charming had been battling depression
and anxiety.
He became incapable of caring for anyone...especially
himself.
(Being unemployed for close to 8months, to a man who
based his entire identity on his ability to support his family and be an
Internet Superstar, served as a crushing blow to his fragile ego.)
He struggled emotionally. I struggled financially.
Despite it all, our relationship improved and we were able to make co-parent decisions easily and without conflict.
We agreed that it'd be best if I assumed full custody of Hansel and Gretel in Spring 2011.
Cinderella spent many sleepovers at her Aunt's and Grandparent's both of whom lived within her school district and were able to lend some support while PrinceCharming struggled.
When summer came, PrinceCharming
asked Cinderella to spend it with her mother so he could
focus on getting better. She agreed to give it a try.
Cinderella was now close to an hour North of me.
PrinceCharming landed a job, at an internet startup.
He then retreated into the city. Close to an hour south of me.
Summer came and went, and Cinderella was then enrolled in High School and asked to stay with Maleficent for her Sophomore year.
PrinceCharming decided that moving Cinderella into the city with him would not be good
as she would be left alone most of the time with him working those
crazy startup hours.
The adjustment was difficult on everyone...especially our three children who were not only separated from their Dad, but now also each other.
Maleficent's "custody" of Cinderella lasted all of four months.
It was four months too long.
During her exile, Cinderella endured isolation in the form of denied visits to my home, was subjected to regular bouts of Maleficent's verbal diarrhea on the state of her victimization at the hands of PrinceCharming, and was repeatedly forced to choose between her parents only to be called a traitor when she showed her disdain for living with Maleficent and Diablo.
(Oh and toss in a little blackmail too, as in "if you choose to live with your father. we'll tell your baby brothers that you abandoned them and will make sure you never see them again.")
After his (near fatal) accident, it would be two weeks before Cinderella was allowed to visit PrinceCharming in the hospital.
When she was allowed to visit my home, Cinderella started asking questions about what really happened between her mother and father.
"What did Mom do to cause her to lose custody of me?" Was it bad? It must be bad because a judge doesn't just take custody from a parent without good reason. Was I in danger of being hurt? Is she schizophrenic or something?"
Oh boy.
I answered without answering. Left it up to her to decide.
"Babe, you're old enough to see and understand for yourself. You know what you've witnessed and experienced."
It wasn't my place to tell her the details.
But she already knows.
And she is afraid of suffering the same fate as her mother.
Worried that she, too, will at some point be diagnosed with a similar behavioral disorder.
"Mom lives in her own world, that is not based on reality," she tells me.
Wow. It's like she has her own copy of the DSM IV-R hidden in her back pocket!
When we could get a visit, Cinderella's weekends with us were always bittersweet.
My house was once again filled with the cacophony of giggles and screeches of hyperactive kids, happy to have their missing Musketeer back with them.
The dinner table became a hub of cross-talk as we each competed to get Cinderella's attention and bring her up to date on what happened since the last time we saw her.
Inevitably it would end in tears as Hansel and Gretel sobbed when she had to leave, while Cinderella silently stressed over returning to her mother's.
Her bliss at being reunited with us was always so short lived.
The drive back was particularly difficult for both of us because of the specific instructions that I would NOT drop Cinderella off in front of Maleficent's home. Rather, she was to be brought to a gas station around the corner.
You see, apparently... Maleficent's road was PRIVATE and I was not allowed on it. Must be nice to have that kind of POWER, no?
Talk about being treated like the red-headed stepchild! And you people call me Wicked. Pfft!
Ridiculous.
I know.
But
I deferred to Cinderella who was so fearful of her mother's tirades
that I did not want to do anything to make her stay there any worse.
So I acquiesced for my stepdaughter's sake.
This wasn't about me, it was about her sanity and me wanting to spare her from as much grief as I could.
Cinderella was rescued from her prison tower on January 1st of this year.
It was on the heels of her acting out, as only teens can do to get attention - drinking herself into oblivion with some friends from her self-described "ghetto school" just to make herself numb.
"I wanted to not feel," she told me.
PrinceCharming arranged for a holiday visit to get her away from the toxic environment at her mother's. He asked if Cinderella could spend New Year's weekend with me, since she wasn't allowed to spend Christmas with her Family of Choice.
With us, she could get some sense of normalcy, see Hansel and Gretel and be in a happy family environment.
It
was during her weekend stay with me for New Year's that ultimately
resulted in PrinceCharming realizing he had made a terrible mistake in sending Cinderella to live with her mother.
We learned of how deeply she was being traumatized on a daily basis.
That short visit ultimately turned into a two weeks respite at my home while PrinceCharming made arrangements to have her transferred to live with my ex-inlaws.
At least there, she would have more involvement with Hansel, Gretel and me.
At least there, PrinceCharming would be allowed to act like a father, inasmuch as he is able.
As least there, we can ALL keep a close eye on this troubled girl and help to regulate her erratic emotions.
And so began another adjustment for her.
And one that hasn't been very easy...
Showing posts with label custody issues. Show all posts
Showing posts with label custody issues. Show all posts
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
A New Chapter
I know, I know.
It's been a while and you're wondering "Now why don't she write?"
If you've stuck around long enough to catch this update, I thank you.
I hope I do not disappoint.
The castle has been filled with turmoil since March.
Several court dates took place with no solution to the problems at hand. Prince Charming let Maleficent get away with continued violations to her visitation stipulation for reasons only he can explain.
Now Cinderella has to face the judge and explain in her own words what she has been subjected to over the past several years. She has had months to think about it, and the reality of what's at stake has had ample time to sink in. Whether she has the strength to be as truthful with the judge as she has been with us remains to be seen.
The verdict will be in on Monday.
***
In the meantime, I have started a new chapter to my fairytale - one in which the second wife becomes the ex-wife.
I do not know what this means for my blog though at present I can see it creating a whole new perspective on stepparenting - as I have no intentions of dropping out of Cinderella's life and Prince Charming and I hope to work out an amicable custody/visitation schedule that accommodates all three of our kids.
Much needs to be sorted - most importantly my head.
I hope you will understand my absence a bit more and forgive my erratic posting schedule as I do not know how to wrap my head around what needs to get done.
I have been through divorce once before with Prince Charming, fighting WITH him shoulder to shoulder AGAINST Maleficent.
Now it's my turn.
Oh, the irony.
It's been a while and you're wondering "Now why don't she write?"
If you've stuck around long enough to catch this update, I thank you.
I hope I do not disappoint.
The castle has been filled with turmoil since March.
Several court dates took place with no solution to the problems at hand. Prince Charming let Maleficent get away with continued violations to her visitation stipulation for reasons only he can explain.
Now Cinderella has to face the judge and explain in her own words what she has been subjected to over the past several years. She has had months to think about it, and the reality of what's at stake has had ample time to sink in. Whether she has the strength to be as truthful with the judge as she has been with us remains to be seen.
The verdict will be in on Monday.
***
In the meantime, I have started a new chapter to my fairytale - one in which the second wife becomes the ex-wife.
I do not know what this means for my blog though at present I can see it creating a whole new perspective on stepparenting - as I have no intentions of dropping out of Cinderella's life and Prince Charming and I hope to work out an amicable custody/visitation schedule that accommodates all three of our kids.
Much needs to be sorted - most importantly my head.
I hope you will understand my absence a bit more and forgive my erratic posting schedule as I do not know how to wrap my head around what needs to get done.
I have been through divorce once before with Prince Charming, fighting WITH him shoulder to shoulder AGAINST Maleficent.
Now it's my turn.
Oh, the irony.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Instant Karma's Gonna Get You
It might not be instant per se BUT my faith in what-comes-around-goes-around has once again been restored.
A court date as finally been set so Prince Charming can address themonths years of Maleficents' spiteful and deliberate violations to her visitation stipulation.
Unfortunately it took last Friday's episode to speed things up - mostly thanks to an order of protection that was filed and served on Cinderella's behalf which temporarily suspends all visitation with Maleficent until next week's court date.
(If Maleficent can't control her mouth over the fact that Cinderella can't go SWIMMING, surely she will not handle being taken back to court very well. And Cindy has suffered enough thanks to that broad's missing sensitivity chip.)
The judge NOW sees the urgency of getting this case brought to court so the issues at hand can be addressed.
And (hopefully) STOPPED.
Disparaging comments. Emotional and psychological abuse. Arbitrary adjustments to her pick up and drop off times. Failure to communicate or accept her court ordered responsibilities.
It all must end. Cinderella is being hurt at the hands of her "mother." And it's not fair.
Cinderella is relieved that Prince Charming is making progress to protect her.
Relieved that she gets a brief reprieve from having to go to Maleficent's for the next week.
Still she is apprehensive over having to talk to her mother on the phone, knowing "how Mommy gets" and worried what she will have to say about being dragged back to court and not being allowed to see her preshus baby.
There is no guarantee that Maleficent will hold her tongue. There never is. The best we could give Cinderella is the empowerment to hand the phone over to her Dad or me if she hears something that upsets her.
Yeah, instant karma's gonna get you.
Maleficent... You better get yourself together darlin'. Join the human race.
A court date as finally been set so Prince Charming can address the
Unfortunately it took last Friday's episode to speed things up - mostly thanks to an order of protection that was filed and served on Cinderella's behalf which temporarily suspends all visitation with Maleficent until next week's court date.
(If Maleficent can't control her mouth over the fact that Cinderella can't go SWIMMING, surely she will not handle being taken back to court very well. And Cindy has suffered enough thanks to that broad's missing sensitivity chip.)
The judge NOW sees the urgency of getting this case brought to court so the issues at hand can be addressed.
And (hopefully) STOPPED.
Disparaging comments. Emotional and psychological abuse. Arbitrary adjustments to her pick up and drop off times. Failure to communicate or accept her court ordered responsibilities.
It all must end. Cinderella is being hurt at the hands of her "mother." And it's not fair.
Cinderella is relieved that Prince Charming is making progress to protect her.
Relieved that she gets a brief reprieve from having to go to Maleficent's for the next week.
Still she is apprehensive over having to talk to her mother on the phone, knowing "how Mommy gets" and worried what she will have to say about being dragged back to court and not being allowed to see her preshus baby.
There is no guarantee that Maleficent will hold her tongue. There never is. The best we could give Cinderella is the empowerment to hand the phone over to her Dad or me if she hears something that upsets her.
Yeah, instant karma's gonna get you.
Maleficent... You better get yourself together darlin'. Join the human race.
Monday, March 16, 2009
It's Lonely At The Top
The problem with taking the High Road when it comes to dealing with Maleficent, is that I am oftentimes alone.
Alone with my inner struggle of doing what's best for Cinderella versus wanting to slap the crap out of her "mother" for creating such turmoil in everyone's lives.
Alone while I watch my stepdaughter struggle to accept the reality of WHO and WHAT her mother is and HOW to deal with that (while not contributing to that opinion by speaking ill of Maleficent in front of Cinderella. EVER.).
Alone in not being able to protect Cinderella as situations like last Friday unfold, after sending Cinderella to her Mom's for the weekend, sans her bathing suit.
Maleficent and Diablo SPED back up our street BACKWARDS and sent Cinderella inside to claim her bathing suit.
Her facial expression spoke volumes. Cinderella did NOT want to come back inside. She did NOT want to go swimming because she had her period. Not because I said no.
But Maleficent had turned it into a battle or HER vs. ME. It was no longer about what Cinderella might have wanted. It was about Maleficent getting HER OWN WAY and Cinderella was going to get that bathing suit dammit!
Cinderella asked me for guidance on what to say to her Mom. She knew she HAD to go for the weekend, even though she no longer wanted to. I tried my best to help her with the right words, but nothing any of us could have said at that moment would make any difference.
I reminded Cinderella simply that she had her period and could not go swimming.
It didn't matter WHO was asking to take her - be it a girlfriend or Maleficent - she could not go THIS weekend. Period. (Pun intended.)
And then I told Cinderella that Maleficent could talk to Prince Charming about it if she felt it was that important. He was, afterall, the final say on this and if he felt it was OK, then she could come back and get her suit.
(I was hoping this would somehow take the pressure off and protect Cinderella. I was wrong.)
From the curb, Maleficent's rage could be heard by my neighbors AND Cinderella's 6 year old brother and friends who were playing outside.
WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT ASSHOLE THINK HE IS?!?! HE HAS SOME NERVE!!
THAT FUCKING BITCH.
(And so on.)
Cinderella told us her mother ranted for the entire car ride home. Mostly to herself because no one else was responding.
Cinderella was also subjected to hearing her mother tell her that she WILL NOT buy her anything EVER AGAIN because SHE bought the bathing suit for Cinderella and that money could have been better spent on bills.
Huh? No one is holding the bathing suit hostage.
Once again the lines of reality have been blurred in the midst of Maleficent's bipolar tantrums.
Cinderella told us that she holed herself up in her bedroom for the rest of Friday night. Waiting out the end of her mother's tirade which eventually came to an end and she was able to enjoy the rest of her weekend.
(With the exception of when her mother took her swimming anyway, despite Cinderella's protests, and forced the poor girl to go into the pool. Ooh. Ahh. I guess she showed me, huh?)
Cinderella was glad to be home come Sunday night. Glad to be able to talk to us about what happened and to do a little venting of her own.
I am sure that to many the simple solution would have been to let Cinderella take the bathing suit.
That this ALL could have been avoided if I had just given in.
That it's MY fault. The Wicked Stepmom who had no right saying "no."
That, indeed, I am too big for my britches.
But to anyone who has been following my journey will know that NOTHING will guarantee peace with Maleficent.
And lord knows how I have tried.
Giving in to avoid conflict only prolongs the inevitable temper tantrum and downward spiral that always comes from an untreated manic depressive.
This was not about ME vs. Maleficent. It had nothing to do with her at all.
It was a simple lesson that most woman have learned at one time or another. Unfortunately, this was Cinderella's time to learn that being a woman sometimes ain't all it's cracked up to be.
It's simple biology. You can't argue with that.
Except...when it comes to parenting. Because I have learned over the years that there is much MORE to parenting than simple BIOLOGY.
Just because I am not Cinderela's BIOLOGICAL parent, does not mean that I do not have any of the responsibilities that come with parenting her.
And I will never stop doing that. No matter how many times I am challenged.
I am a hard-ass.
I am not going to back down over of a matter of simple biology.
Alone with my inner struggle of doing what's best for Cinderella versus wanting to slap the crap out of her "mother" for creating such turmoil in everyone's lives.
Alone while I watch my stepdaughter struggle to accept the reality of WHO and WHAT her mother is and HOW to deal with that (while not contributing to that opinion by speaking ill of Maleficent in front of Cinderella. EVER.).
Alone in not being able to protect Cinderella as situations like last Friday unfold, after sending Cinderella to her Mom's for the weekend, sans her bathing suit.
Maleficent and Diablo SPED back up our street BACKWARDS and sent Cinderella inside to claim her bathing suit.
Her facial expression spoke volumes. Cinderella did NOT want to come back inside. She did NOT want to go swimming because she had her period. Not because I said no.
But Maleficent had turned it into a battle or HER vs. ME. It was no longer about what Cinderella might have wanted. It was about Maleficent getting HER OWN WAY and Cinderella was going to get that bathing suit dammit!
Cinderella asked me for guidance on what to say to her Mom. She knew she HAD to go for the weekend, even though she no longer wanted to. I tried my best to help her with the right words, but nothing any of us could have said at that moment would make any difference.
I reminded Cinderella simply that she had her period and could not go swimming.
It didn't matter WHO was asking to take her - be it a girlfriend or Maleficent - she could not go THIS weekend. Period. (Pun intended.)
And then I told Cinderella that Maleficent could talk to Prince Charming about it if she felt it was that important. He was, afterall, the final say on this and if he felt it was OK, then she could come back and get her suit.
(I was hoping this would somehow take the pressure off and protect Cinderella. I was wrong.)
From the curb, Maleficent's rage could be heard by my neighbors AND Cinderella's 6 year old brother and friends who were playing outside.
WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT ASSHOLE THINK HE IS?!?! HE HAS SOME NERVE!!
THAT FUCKING BITCH.
(And so on.)
Cinderella told us her mother ranted for the entire car ride home. Mostly to herself because no one else was responding.
Cinderella was also subjected to hearing her mother tell her that she WILL NOT buy her anything EVER AGAIN because SHE bought the bathing suit for Cinderella and that money could have been better spent on bills.
Huh? No one is holding the bathing suit hostage.
Once again the lines of reality have been blurred in the midst of Maleficent's bipolar tantrums.
Cinderella told us that she holed herself up in her bedroom for the rest of Friday night. Waiting out the end of her mother's tirade which eventually came to an end and she was able to enjoy the rest of her weekend.
(With the exception of when her mother took her swimming anyway, despite Cinderella's protests, and forced the poor girl to go into the pool. Ooh. Ahh. I guess she showed me, huh?)
Cinderella was glad to be home come Sunday night. Glad to be able to talk to us about what happened and to do a little venting of her own.
I am sure that to many the simple solution would have been to let Cinderella take the bathing suit.
That this ALL could have been avoided if I had just given in.
That it's MY fault. The Wicked Stepmom who had no right saying "no."
That, indeed, I am too big for my britches.
But to anyone who has been following my journey will know that NOTHING will guarantee peace with Maleficent.
And lord knows how I have tried.
Giving in to avoid conflict only prolongs the inevitable temper tantrum and downward spiral that always comes from an untreated manic depressive.
This was not about ME vs. Maleficent. It had nothing to do with her at all.
It was a simple lesson that most woman have learned at one time or another. Unfortunately, this was Cinderella's time to learn that being a woman sometimes ain't all it's cracked up to be.
It's simple biology. You can't argue with that.
Except...when it comes to parenting. Because I have learned over the years that there is much MORE to parenting than simple BIOLOGY.
Just because I am not Cinderela's BIOLOGICAL parent, does not mean that I do not have any of the responsibilities that come with parenting her.
And I will never stop doing that. No matter how many times I am challenged.
I am a hard-ass.
I am not going to back down over of a matter of simple biology.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho, It's Back to Court They Go
A month ago Prince Charming filed violation papers against Maleficent.
After three years of trying to make things work in a civilized fashion, only to be slapped in the face repeatedly, he's finally taking the advice of his lawyer and Cinderella's law guardian.
They warned him after he won sole legal custody that Maleficent WOULD push the envelope and she WOULD screw up and he WOULD HAVE TO bring her back to court until she finally accepted her reality (while also cautioning that she may NEVER do as is typically the case with people suffering from untreated bipolar disorder).
Like me, he thought it could be avoided.
Like me, he thought they could work things out like adults.
Like me, he thought she would put Cinderella's needs and well-being above her own pettiness.
Like me, he was WRONG.
He tried. I tried. And Maleficent "tried" - but for only as long as she was given her own way and allowed to play the victim doing WHAT she wanted WHEN she wanted.
On the rare occasion she was told NO or expected to step up as a parent, things quickly went south.
Now Prince Charming has learned what Cinderella is being exposed to as a result of Maleficent's tantrums.
Lies. Disparaging remarks. Cursing and name-calling. Parental alienation.
His daughter is being mentally and emotionally abused at the hands of her "mother."
He can no longer look the other way or try to rationalize. He needs assistance.
Papers were filed in early January with the promise of a court date and notices being sent to our respective homes ASAP.
We waited. And I worried.
I worried that Cinderella would be with Maleficent when the court notice was delivered and that she would be exposed to her mother's rage.
Then Prince Charming was told the notices would be delivered during the week of Cinderella's late drama rehearsals. She would not be with her mother that week.
I was relieved. Hoping that would give Maleficent enough time to calm down and Cinderella would be spared any further harm.
That week came and went. No court notices arrived.
Prince Charming was then told the notices were going out the week of Cinderella's school break. Cinderella was home that week as well.
Again, I was relieved.
Still no notices came.
WTH?
It took a personal visit back to the court house for Prince Charming to find out that a court date HAD been set, but that the judge changed it and NO ONE was notified. So the paperwork sat somewhere and the case was never reassigned on the calendar.
IMBECILES!
PC was promised this would be taken care of this week.
I wish I could stop myself from worrying. That I could have been spared spending the last FOUR WEEKS filled with dread for Cinderella knowing that I was helpless to protect her from any further abuse at the hands of her "mother."
(No matter what our personal feelings are, we have never said a single bad word about Maleficent in front of or to Cinderella.)
(If only she was able to do the same.)
I am trying to remind myself that everything happens for a reason.
That while this situation might not be proceeding as we WANT it to, it is proceeding as it NEEDS to.
Whatever the reason might be.
Maybe the delay is so the right judge can be assigned to the case.
Maybe Cinderella is supposed to be with her mother when the notices are delivered so she can learn HOW to speak up to her.
Or maybe it's because Maleficent is destined to do something so horrid that she will lose everything once-and-for-all.
(Prince Charming has been warned of suspected questionable activity at Maleficent and Diablo's house. None of which Cinderella has confirmed but PC is still concerned and watchful.)
This last point fills me with the most dread for as much as I would like to see Maleficent finally get her come-uppins I do not want my stepdaughter to suffer any more.
It is that fear that's kept us out of court for this long.
It is out of this fear that Prince Charming and I have done as much as we have over the years to get along with Maleficent.
And now I fear that in our efforts to placate Maleficent's delicate emotional state and protect Cinderella that we may have done nothing more than postpone the inevitable.
Of course, I could be just a tad melodramatic here!
I mean ... without the melodrama, would this blog be nearly as interesting??
I think not.
After three years of trying to make things work in a civilized fashion, only to be slapped in the face repeatedly, he's finally taking the advice of his lawyer and Cinderella's law guardian.
They warned him after he won sole legal custody that Maleficent WOULD push the envelope and she WOULD screw up and he WOULD HAVE TO bring her back to court until she finally accepted her reality (while also cautioning that she may NEVER do as is typically the case with people suffering from untreated bipolar disorder).
Like me, he thought it could be avoided.
Like me, he thought they could work things out like adults.
Like me, he thought she would put Cinderella's needs and well-being above her own pettiness.
Like me, he was WRONG.
He tried. I tried. And Maleficent "tried" - but for only as long as she was given her own way and allowed to play the victim doing WHAT she wanted WHEN she wanted.
On the rare occasion she was told NO or expected to step up as a parent, things quickly went south.
Now Prince Charming has learned what Cinderella is being exposed to as a result of Maleficent's tantrums.
Lies. Disparaging remarks. Cursing and name-calling. Parental alienation.
His daughter is being mentally and emotionally abused at the hands of her "mother."
He can no longer look the other way or try to rationalize. He needs assistance.
Papers were filed in early January with the promise of a court date and notices being sent to our respective homes ASAP.
We waited. And I worried.
I worried that Cinderella would be with Maleficent when the court notice was delivered and that she would be exposed to her mother's rage.
Then Prince Charming was told the notices would be delivered during the week of Cinderella's late drama rehearsals. She would not be with her mother that week.
I was relieved. Hoping that would give Maleficent enough time to calm down and Cinderella would be spared any further harm.
That week came and went. No court notices arrived.
Prince Charming was then told the notices were going out the week of Cinderella's school break. Cinderella was home that week as well.
Again, I was relieved.
Still no notices came.
WTH?
It took a personal visit back to the court house for Prince Charming to find out that a court date HAD been set, but that the judge changed it and NO ONE was notified. So the paperwork sat somewhere and the case was never reassigned on the calendar.
IMBECILES!
PC was promised this would be taken care of this week.
I wish I could stop myself from worrying. That I could have been spared spending the last FOUR WEEKS filled with dread for Cinderella knowing that I was helpless to protect her from any further abuse at the hands of her "mother."
(No matter what our personal feelings are, we have never said a single bad word about Maleficent in front of or to Cinderella.)
(If only she was able to do the same.)
I am trying to remind myself that everything happens for a reason.
That while this situation might not be proceeding as we WANT it to, it is proceeding as it NEEDS to.
Whatever the reason might be.
Maybe the delay is so the right judge can be assigned to the case.
Maybe Cinderella is supposed to be with her mother when the notices are delivered so she can learn HOW to speak up to her.
Or maybe it's because Maleficent is destined to do something so horrid that she will lose everything once-and-for-all.
(Prince Charming has been warned of suspected questionable activity at Maleficent and Diablo's house. None of which Cinderella has confirmed but PC is still concerned and watchful.)
This last point fills me with the most dread for as much as I would like to see Maleficent finally get her come-uppins I do not want my stepdaughter to suffer any more.
It is that fear that's kept us out of court for this long.
It is out of this fear that Prince Charming and I have done as much as we have over the years to get along with Maleficent.
And now I fear that in our efforts to placate Maleficent's delicate emotional state and protect Cinderella that we may have done nothing more than postpone the inevitable.
Of course, I could be just a tad melodramatic here!
I mean ... without the melodrama, would this blog be nearly as interesting??
I think not.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Custody & Visitation: Kids Are People Too
Why does Mommy get all of the holidays?
"Because that's what the court papers say, babe."
Three years ago, when Maleficent lost custody she had written into the visitation stipulation that she be able to spend every school holiday with Cinderella.
Every one. From 11am to 5pm.
Until this year, it never posed that much of a problem. There were a few times when my plans had to be altered to make sure I was home for her pick up/drop off, but that's the way it goes. I made the compromise to adhere to what seemed to be in Cinderella's best interests.
This year, however, things are different.
Cinderella is getting older and finding her voice. She wants to participate in the decisions surrounding her days off.
Like expressing a wish to volunteer at a local farm to come on school holidays to care for their chickens.
Twice a day. Morning and evening.
Cinderella was especially excited to be part of this. (We always fantasize of the day when we own our own home that will be big enough to have chickens and horses and sheep! Oh my!)
There was just one problem. Chickens need to be tucked in at DUSK.
Dusk comes earlier now thanks to Daylight Savings. Right at the time Cinderella comes home from visiting Maleficent.
Not wanting to exclude her from his activity, and not really thinking it would be a problem, Prince Charming contacted Maleficent. We posed a COMPROMISE of allowing Cinderella to CHOOSE to stay home SOME holidays so she didn't miss out on this.
Maleficent outright refused and accused Prince Charming of making these plans to purposely spite her out of time with their daughter.
Step in the Rational One.
Moi.
I contacted Maleficent to smooth things out a bit. Explain it was my doing and that I was unclear as to the actual wording of the court document and misunderstood that holidays were an absolute RIGHT and not an option open to compromise. (A concept that has historically proven lost on her.)
She changed her tune and seemed willing to work with me.
If you want ... can you and I keep in touch on this and then if you need me to bring Cinderella home early so she can go with you, I can do that. It's no problem.
GREAT! Right?
Wrong.
Monday morning, I realize tomorrow is Election Day. A school holiday. We need to be at the farm by 4:30. That's 30 minutes before the time Cinderella is supposed to be home.
I call Maleficent and leave her a voicemail, per our agreement. I asked her if she wanted to drop Cinderella off at home at 4pm (only an HOUR early) or just meet us at the farm at her regular drop off time of 5pm. I know from past experience that she responds better if she feels she has some control over the situation. So I gave her a CHOICE.
Still, I suspected that she would not like either.
And when I received the call from Prince Charming a few hours later I knew from his tone of voice that I was right.
If Maleficent was going to lose an hour with Cinderella because of this activity (which Cinderella WANTED TO DO) then Maleficent wanted to make up that time on another day.
In light of recent events, Cinderella does not want to spend extra time with her Mom. She is beginning to see her for who she really is. And she does not like it one bit.
Prince Charming could not consciously place his daughter into that situation.
Emails were sent. Accusations were flung at us.
Prince Charming and I spent ALL DAY Monday either in email with or talking about this woman.
Such a waste of a day and of our energy.
We put up a good fight on Cinderella's behalf. I apologized to Maleficent in an effort to smooth things over.
In the end, she chose NOT to bring Cinderella home and decided to communicate that THROUGH her daughter. Using her as the messenger to notify us that she had changed her mind from the earlier emails in which she agreed to the request for the early drop off.
We went to the farm without her.
And waited in the dark for her to be dropped off (and she was LATE, too).
Sooner or later Maleficent is going to have to realize that Cinderella is a person too.
That she is not a piece of property and has a RIGHT to CHOOSE what she does with her time. Cinderella sas a right to voice her opinion. And to be HEARD.
That's it not about what Maleficent wants.
Or about what Prince Charming or I want.
It's about Cinderella.
"Because that's what the court papers say, babe."
Three years ago, when Maleficent lost custody she had written into the visitation stipulation that she be able to spend every school holiday with Cinderella.
Every one. From 11am to 5pm.
Until this year, it never posed that much of a problem. There were a few times when my plans had to be altered to make sure I was home for her pick up/drop off, but that's the way it goes. I made the compromise to adhere to what seemed to be in Cinderella's best interests.
This year, however, things are different.
Cinderella is getting older and finding her voice. She wants to participate in the decisions surrounding her days off.
Like expressing a wish to volunteer at a local farm to come on school holidays to care for their chickens.
Twice a day. Morning and evening.
Cinderella was especially excited to be part of this. (We always fantasize of the day when we own our own home that will be big enough to have chickens and horses and sheep! Oh my!)
There was just one problem. Chickens need to be tucked in at DUSK.
Dusk comes earlier now thanks to Daylight Savings. Right at the time Cinderella comes home from visiting Maleficent.
Not wanting to exclude her from his activity, and not really thinking it would be a problem, Prince Charming contacted Maleficent. We posed a COMPROMISE of allowing Cinderella to CHOOSE to stay home SOME holidays so she didn't miss out on this.
Maleficent outright refused and accused Prince Charming of making these plans to purposely spite her out of time with their daughter.
Step in the Rational One.
Moi.
I contacted Maleficent to smooth things out a bit. Explain it was my doing and that I was unclear as to the actual wording of the court document and misunderstood that holidays were an absolute RIGHT and not an option open to compromise. (A concept that has historically proven lost on her.)
She changed her tune and seemed willing to work with me.
If you want ... can you and I keep in touch on this and then if you need me to bring Cinderella home early so she can go with you, I can do that. It's no problem.
GREAT! Right?
Wrong.
Monday morning, I realize tomorrow is Election Day. A school holiday. We need to be at the farm by 4:30. That's 30 minutes before the time Cinderella is supposed to be home.
I call Maleficent and leave her a voicemail, per our agreement. I asked her if she wanted to drop Cinderella off at home at 4pm (only an HOUR early) or just meet us at the farm at her regular drop off time of 5pm. I know from past experience that she responds better if she feels she has some control over the situation. So I gave her a CHOICE.
Still, I suspected that she would not like either.
And when I received the call from Prince Charming a few hours later I knew from his tone of voice that I was right.
If Maleficent was going to lose an hour with Cinderella because of this activity (which Cinderella WANTED TO DO) then Maleficent wanted to make up that time on another day.
In light of recent events, Cinderella does not want to spend extra time with her Mom. She is beginning to see her for who she really is. And she does not like it one bit.
Prince Charming could not consciously place his daughter into that situation.
Emails were sent. Accusations were flung at us.
Prince Charming and I spent ALL DAY Monday either in email with or talking about this woman.
Such a waste of a day and of our energy.
We put up a good fight on Cinderella's behalf. I apologized to Maleficent in an effort to smooth things over.
In the end, she chose NOT to bring Cinderella home and decided to communicate that THROUGH her daughter. Using her as the messenger to notify us that she had changed her mind from the earlier emails in which she agreed to the request for the early drop off.
We went to the farm without her.
And waited in the dark for her to be dropped off (and she was LATE, too).
Sooner or later Maleficent is going to have to realize that Cinderella is a person too.
That she is not a piece of property and has a RIGHT to CHOOSE what she does with her time. Cinderella sas a right to voice her opinion. And to be HEARD.
That's it not about what Maleficent wants.
Or about what Prince Charming or I want.
It's about Cinderella.
Monday, November 3, 2008
There's a Fine Line Between Fairytales and Nightmares...
... and thanks to Maleficent, we are being reminded of that. Again.
What's happening now?
What's happening is that Cinderella's friend narc'd on her after a DARE event at school. Concerned over the fact that C had been "scratching" herself, she sought help in the Guidance Office.
Cinderella was called in and promptly broke down into tears in front of her Guidance Counselor and Social Worker. She told them her tale of woe being a child of divorce.
There is nothing unique about her story.
Parents divorce. And oftentimes they don't handle it well, focusing on their own problems and losses (especially when mental illness plays such a major role).
Kids get caught in the middle. Blame themselves, grieve and try to keep the peace by internalizing EVERYTHING.
Sooner or later all of that stress has to come out.
It's starting to come out now in Cinderella and an observant friend took note.
She scratched her arm in frustration. It's no big deal now, but we know it could turn into something worse.
It's been three years since the Maleficent lost custody.
Three years since PrinceCharing was advised by the law guardian to violate the shit out of her when she crossed the line (which we ALL knew she would do).
And she has. Yet instead of adding fuel to her bipolar-fanned fires, we looked the other way and offered compromises.
Well, Cinderella's well-being is now compromised.
The Law Guardian has been called.
Maleficent has NOT been called. Yet.
We are trying to buy Cinderella a little bit of calm before the shit-storm. If her Mom gets tipped off, it will only spell doom for her and this kid has been through enough.
In the meantime, we're looking for a therapist for Cinderella all-the-while reassuring her that we will do our best to make things better and protect her from continued distress. (Which is a double-edged sword because she is worried that our attempts to make things better will make things worse. And that very-well may be the case.)
PrinceCharming is back to compiling details and facts, taking notes and saving EVERY email. Planning his next steps which will include filing paperwork and going back to court.
And I'm remembering to breathe through it all.
What's happening now?
What's happening is that Cinderella's friend narc'd on her after a DARE event at school. Concerned over the fact that C had been "scratching" herself, she sought help in the Guidance Office.
Cinderella was called in and promptly broke down into tears in front of her Guidance Counselor and Social Worker. She told them her tale of woe being a child of divorce.
There is nothing unique about her story.
Parents divorce. And oftentimes they don't handle it well, focusing on their own problems and losses (especially when mental illness plays such a major role).
Kids get caught in the middle. Blame themselves, grieve and try to keep the peace by internalizing EVERYTHING.
Sooner or later all of that stress has to come out.
It's starting to come out now in Cinderella and an observant friend took note.
She scratched her arm in frustration. It's no big deal now, but we know it could turn into something worse.
It's been three years since the Maleficent lost custody.
Three years since PrinceCharing was advised by the law guardian to violate the shit out of her when she crossed the line (which we ALL knew she would do).
And she has. Yet instead of adding fuel to her bipolar-fanned fires, we looked the other way and offered compromises.
Well, Cinderella's well-being is now compromised.
The Law Guardian has been called.
Maleficent has NOT been called. Yet.
We are trying to buy Cinderella a little bit of calm before the shit-storm. If her Mom gets tipped off, it will only spell doom for her and this kid has been through enough.
In the meantime, we're looking for a therapist for Cinderella all-the-while reassuring her that we will do our best to make things better and protect her from continued distress. (Which is a double-edged sword because she is worried that our attempts to make things better will make things worse. And that very-well may be the case.)
PrinceCharming is back to compiling details and facts, taking notes and saving EVERY email. Planning his next steps which will include filing paperwork and going back to court.
And I'm remembering to breathe through it all.
Friday, October 24, 2008
I See The Bad Moon Rising
A one hour phone call with Cinderella's school.
Concerns over her (reported) behavior by a worried friend.
Social Worker and Guidance Counselor called in.
She confirms. Cries in their office as she explains the stress of her parents' troubled relationship and her mother's subsequent (and contributory) behavior.
This is Maleficent's visitation weekend. PrinceCharming is FLOORED and en route to Cinderella's school to try and provide some reassurance before she heads off to god-knows-what this weekend.
He is torn between wanting to swoop in to protect his daughter from further pain while following the legal constraints of the custody agreement.
I don't know what will happen from here. But I see trouble on the way.
Concerns over her (reported) behavior by a worried friend.
Social Worker and Guidance Counselor called in.
She confirms. Cries in their office as she explains the stress of her parents' troubled relationship and her mother's subsequent (and contributory) behavior.
This is Maleficent's visitation weekend. PrinceCharming is FLOORED and en route to Cinderella's school to try and provide some reassurance before she heads off to god-knows-what this weekend.
He is torn between wanting to swoop in to protect his daughter from further pain while following the legal constraints of the custody agreement.
I don't know what will happen from here. But I see trouble on the way.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Here We Go Again
I don't know where to begin.
It's been five months in the making.
Five months since we found out Cinderella has three...THREE!!!!!... cavities.
Five months since we ponied up $400 for the dentist appointment that told us she had THREE cavities.
Five months since being told, AFTER we bent over and let the dentist stick it to us for $400, that Maleficent WOULD NOT BE PAYING her half of that bill.
Oh I'm sick and not working and can't afford it.
(Gee, ya think she would have mentioned that for the MONTHS leading up to that appointment?)
For five months Maleficent has been crying poverty, and unilaterally saying that she won't be able to pay her COURT ORDERED share of Cinderella's dental bill.
And yet for the same five months she has come up with a magical solution where she CAN pay another dentist to have said cavities filled.
She CAN work out a payment plan to pay this dentist.
Her dentist. Cinderella's OLD dentist.
But she CAN'T figure out a payment plan for PrinceCharming.
(Which could have worked out to $50 a month and would be payed off BY NOW.)
And she WON'T accept our saying that we CAN'T afford to absorb her half of the prior bill and that we were counting on that so that we CAN move forward and have Cinderella's cavities filled.
Instead she spent this time instilling fear into Cinderella with constant talks of how she will need root canal if her cavities are not filled and so she needs to tell her Dad and I that her TEETH HURT even though they don't but DO IT SO THEY CAN MAKE AN APPOINTMENT FOR YOU!!!!!!
The child was in tears as she confessed her Mom's covert op to us.
(We're so proud of her, BTW, for choosing NOT to lie to us about her teeth hurting just because her Mom told her to.)
So... now... we are back to one-sided communication.
Her refusing to answer or return calls.
Feigning illness as an excuse to return to email only communication.
Yet she is well enough to leave a threatening voice mail on Prince Charming's voice mail.
And now... tonight... an email threatening to violate him in court if a dentist appointment is not made by this Wednesday.
Shit-stirring bitch. She's at it again.
I am not sure I have the strength to another round.
It's been five months in the making.
Five months since we found out Cinderella has three...THREE!!!!!... cavities.
Five months since we ponied up $400 for the dentist appointment that told us she had THREE cavities.
Five months since being told, AFTER we bent over and let the dentist stick it to us for $400, that Maleficent WOULD NOT BE PAYING her half of that bill.
Oh I'm sick and not working and can't afford it.
(Gee, ya think she would have mentioned that for the MONTHS leading up to that appointment?)
For five months Maleficent has been crying poverty, and unilaterally saying that she won't be able to pay her COURT ORDERED share of Cinderella's dental bill.
And yet for the same five months she has come up with a magical solution where she CAN pay another dentist to have said cavities filled.
She CAN work out a payment plan to pay this dentist.
Her dentist. Cinderella's OLD dentist.
But she CAN'T figure out a payment plan for PrinceCharming.
(Which could have worked out to $50 a month and would be payed off BY NOW.)
And she WON'T accept our saying that we CAN'T afford to absorb her half of the prior bill and that we were counting on that so that we CAN move forward and have Cinderella's cavities filled.
Instead she spent this time instilling fear into Cinderella with constant talks of how she will need root canal if her cavities are not filled and so she needs to tell her Dad and I that her TEETH HURT even though they don't but DO IT SO THEY CAN MAKE AN APPOINTMENT FOR YOU!!!!!!
The child was in tears as she confessed her Mom's covert op to us.
(We're so proud of her, BTW, for choosing NOT to lie to us about her teeth hurting just because her Mom told her to.)
So... now... we are back to one-sided communication.
Her refusing to answer or return calls.
Feigning illness as an excuse to return to email only communication.
Yet she is well enough to leave a threatening voice mail on Prince Charming's voice mail.
And now... tonight... an email threatening to violate him in court if a dentist appointment is not made by this Wednesday.
Shit-stirring bitch. She's at it again.
I am not sure I have the strength to another round.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
When BioMom Asks You To Lie (The Resolution)
Lucky for us, this situation (which took place three weeks ago) resolved itself within 24 hours.
After her Friday night phone call with Cinderella, Prince Charming spoke with Maleficent and convinced her it was better to tell their daughter about the surgery because what upsets her more than anything is KNOWING when he is not being told the whole truth.
The next day was Saturday. The day of Cinderella's school play.
She had two performances that day. Prince Charming wanted to bring Cinderella to see Maleficent during the break in between performances. Cinderella needed to see her Mom to know that she *really* was ok. Maleficent agreed.
Cinderella made her Mom a get well card Friday night and asked her Dad and I to sign it. We did.
Prince Charming picked up a bouquet of flowers for Cinderella to give to her Mom.
Their visit that Saturday was brief but gave Cinderella the chance to see that her Mom would be ok and gave Maleficent the chance to tell Cinderella the truth.
Cinderella handled it well and wound up spending the night with her Mom after her final performance that Saturday night.
We were relieved. More importantly so was Cinderella.
After her Friday night phone call with Cinderella, Prince Charming spoke with Maleficent and convinced her it was better to tell their daughter about the surgery because what upsets her more than anything is KNOWING when he is not being told the whole truth.
The next day was Saturday. The day of Cinderella's school play.
She had two performances that day. Prince Charming wanted to bring Cinderella to see Maleficent during the break in between performances. Cinderella needed to see her Mom to know that she *really* was ok. Maleficent agreed.
Cinderella made her Mom a get well card Friday night and asked her Dad and I to sign it. We did.
Prince Charming picked up a bouquet of flowers for Cinderella to give to her Mom.
Their visit that Saturday was brief but gave Cinderella the chance to see that her Mom would be ok and gave Maleficent the chance to tell Cinderella the truth.
Cinderella handled it well and wound up spending the night with her Mom after her final performance that Saturday night.
We were relieved. More importantly so was Cinderella.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
When BioMom Asks You To Lie (Part II)
Since we could not get a hold of Maleficent and speak with her directly (Prince Charming did reach her faithful companion, Diablo, who told him it was a ruptured ovarian cyst that required surgery and Maleficent was currently in the recovery room) I told Cinderella that her Mom wasn't coming due to a combination of the icy roads and her not feeling well.
Cinderella was crushed.
Instantly she began to stress...
Will she come and get me tomorrow? Who is taking me to my play tomorrow? Will Mommy be there for the performances?
I did my best to play it down as no big deal, and even joked with her about stressing too much, and that she can ask all of this when her Mom calls later on.
Maleficent did call that evening and told Cinderella she was, in fact in the hospital.
*whew!*
THANK GAWD!
We now understood that Maleficent wanted to be the one to tell her.
Prince Charming and I were relieved and proud of Maleficent for having faith that Cinderella could handle the news.
***
Later on, I tried talking with Cinderella about the situation. I wanted to make sure she understood what had happened and wanted to reassure her in case she had any questions.
I was sure she must be a little worried and scared over the thought of her Mom having surgery.
I also thought she might be confused over the procedure.
Oh, no. I understand what happened to Mommy. She had a cyst on her hip, like the one she gets on her wrist and her doctor sent her to the hospital for testing. It's not like she had surgery or anything.
Umm... WHAT?!
I thought SURELY she misunderstood what her Mom had told her. But then I quickly realized that Maleficent had LIED to Cinderella. I caught myself just before I corrected her.
So we were back to square one. Having to keep a new lie.
I said nothing. I simply smiled and walked away.
Maleficent was to be in the hospital for the remainder of the weekend. She would not be able to take Cinderella for the weekend OR see the play.
How were we going to explain THAT?
Cinderella was crushed.
Instantly she began to stress...
Will she come and get me tomorrow? Who is taking me to my play tomorrow? Will Mommy be there for the performances?
I did my best to play it down as no big deal, and even joked with her about stressing too much, and that she can ask all of this when her Mom calls later on.
Maleficent did call that evening and told Cinderella she was, in fact in the hospital.
*whew!*
THANK GAWD!
We now understood that Maleficent wanted to be the one to tell her.
Prince Charming and I were relieved and proud of Maleficent for having faith that Cinderella could handle the news.
***
Later on, I tried talking with Cinderella about the situation. I wanted to make sure she understood what had happened and wanted to reassure her in case she had any questions.
I was sure she must be a little worried and scared over the thought of her Mom having surgery.
I also thought she might be confused over the procedure.
Oh, no. I understand what happened to Mommy. She had a cyst on her hip, like the one she gets on her wrist and her doctor sent her to the hospital for testing. It's not like she had surgery or anything.
Umm... WHAT?!
I thought SURELY she misunderstood what her Mom had told her. But then I quickly realized that Maleficent had LIED to Cinderella. I caught myself just before I corrected her.
So we were back to square one. Having to keep a new lie.
I said nothing. I simply smiled and walked away.
Maleficent was to be in the hospital for the remainder of the weekend. She would not be able to take Cinderella for the weekend OR see the play.
How were we going to explain THAT?
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
When BioMom Asks You To Lie
It's Friday.
Opening night for Cinderella's play.
It's Maleficent's visitation weekend, so she is to be here at 5pm to pick up Cinderella and bring her to the school early for hair and make-up.
6am: We get the call informing us that school's been closed on account of freezing rain.
7am: I get the email telling me the play has also been canceled.
A flurry of emails ensue throughout the day from her Drama teacher updating the parents on how this impacts the remaining performances.
Maleficent is not on the distribution list so I forward each one to ensure she is equally informed, especially since the responsibility of picking up and dropping off in between performances falls on her.
Around lunchtime Cinderella calls her Mom to confirm she knows the play has been canceled and that she is still coming at 5pm for their regular visitation.
Maleficent does not pick up. Cinderella leaves messages on her cell and home numbers and continues to stress throughout the day because that's what she does. She needs constant reassurance for even the most routine of events.
3pm: Maleficent leaves a cryptic message on our voicemail:
She is audibly distressed. She's been crying.
She has no idea school's been cancelled. No idea the play is not happening tonight.
I start to worry. I know she has been having medical problems for the past year, but the details are fuzzy. Maleficent hasn't exactly been very forthcoming, so most of what we "know" comes from Cinderella's offhand comments and show of concern for her Mom.
How the hell am I going to explain to her that her Mom is not coming without being bombarded with a flurry of questions about the rest of the weekend? This is her visitation weekend with her Mom. Will she see her at all?
Cinderella is naturally inquisitive and obsesses over her pick ups and drop offs. She is not going to accept this.
I can't accept it either. She is eleven years old. Old enough to know the truth. She deserves it.
(Never mind that in my head I am imagining the worst case scenario and wondering if we could live with ourselves should something terrible happen and Cinderella not be given the chance to see her Mom in the hospital.)
It takes me an hour to get a hold of Prince Charming to find out if he knows any more so we can decide what and how to tell Cinderella.
The message from Maleficent on his voice mail mentions that she may need surgery.
SURGERY!!!!!!
And, again, she asked that we NOT to tell Cinderella.
It's now one hour before Maleficent is supposed to be here.
The Prince and I go back and forth on what to do.
Do we tell her?
Or do we honor her mother's request?
***
What would YOU do?
Opening night for Cinderella's play.
It's Maleficent's visitation weekend, so she is to be here at 5pm to pick up Cinderella and bring her to the school early for hair and make-up.
6am: We get the call informing us that school's been closed on account of freezing rain.
7am: I get the email telling me the play has also been canceled.
A flurry of emails ensue throughout the day from her Drama teacher updating the parents on how this impacts the remaining performances.
Maleficent is not on the distribution list so I forward each one to ensure she is equally informed, especially since the responsibility of picking up and dropping off in between performances falls on her.
Around lunchtime Cinderella calls her Mom to confirm she knows the play has been canceled and that she is still coming at 5pm for their regular visitation.
Maleficent does not pick up. Cinderella leaves messages on her cell and home numbers and continues to stress throughout the day because that's what she does. She needs constant reassurance for even the most routine of events.
3pm: Maleficent leaves a cryptic message on our voicemail:
I won't be able to take Cinderella to her play tonight. I'm in the hospital. But don't tell her that. Just tell her I'm not feeling well and that I love her.
She is audibly distressed. She's been crying.
She has no idea school's been cancelled. No idea the play is not happening tonight.
I start to worry. I know she has been having medical problems for the past year, but the details are fuzzy. Maleficent hasn't exactly been very forthcoming, so most of what we "know" comes from Cinderella's offhand comments and show of concern for her Mom.
How the hell am I going to explain to her that her Mom is not coming without being bombarded with a flurry of questions about the rest of the weekend? This is her visitation weekend with her Mom. Will she see her at all?
Cinderella is naturally inquisitive and obsesses over her pick ups and drop offs. She is not going to accept this.
I can't accept it either. She is eleven years old. Old enough to know the truth. She deserves it.
(Never mind that in my head I am imagining the worst case scenario and wondering if we could live with ourselves should something terrible happen and Cinderella not be given the chance to see her Mom in the hospital.)
It takes me an hour to get a hold of Prince Charming to find out if he knows any more so we can decide what and how to tell Cinderella.
The message from Maleficent on his voice mail mentions that she may need surgery.
SURGERY!!!!!!
And, again, she asked that we NOT to tell Cinderella.
It's now one hour before Maleficent is supposed to be here.
The Prince and I go back and forth on what to do.
Do we tell her?
Or do we honor her mother's request?
***
What would YOU do?
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
The Hypocrisy of it All
It's been two years.
Two years since the change in custody. Two years since Prince Charming, Maleficent and I vowed to improve the state of our co-parenting relationship.
Part of that commitment involved attending sessions with Cinderella's therapist.
A therapist that has yet to be found.
After TWO. YEARS.
It took close to a year for Cinderella's Law Guardian to receive lists from Prince Charming and Maleficent of therapists covered by our respective insurance companies.
And an equally ridiculous amount of time for her law guardian to ACT upon those lists.
Now 24 therapists have been called. The search continues because none (NONE!!!!!) of them want to take on a case where the chances of them being called into court are highly probable.
In the meantime, Cinderella's psychological and emotional well-being is suffering because no one has made it more of a priority.
It's so good to know there are respectable and caring metal health professionals out there who are committed to helping CHILDREN and willing to put aside their own SELFISHNESS.
First do no harm - MY ASS.
Watch out for numero uno, is more like it.
(I know that could have been worded better but I'm so angry I could spit.)
Two years since the change in custody. Two years since Prince Charming, Maleficent and I vowed to improve the state of our co-parenting relationship.
Part of that commitment involved attending sessions with Cinderella's therapist.
A therapist that has yet to be found.
After TWO. YEARS.
It took close to a year for Cinderella's Law Guardian to receive lists from Prince Charming and Maleficent of therapists covered by our respective insurance companies.
And an equally ridiculous amount of time for her law guardian to ACT upon those lists.
Now 24 therapists have been called. The search continues because none (NONE!!!!!) of them want to take on a case where the chances of them being called into court are highly probable.
In the meantime, Cinderella's psychological and emotional well-being is suffering because no one has made it more of a priority.
It's so good to know there are respectable and caring metal health professionals out there who are committed to helping CHILDREN and willing to put aside their own SELFISHNESS.
First do no harm - MY ASS.
Watch out for numero uno, is more like it.
(I know that could have been worded better but I'm so angry I could spit.)
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Custody & Visitation: Into the Ether
He wrote:
Maleficent –
Our current method of “communicating” is just not working. Ignoring my phone calls and not responding to my emails or voice mails is not doing either of us, or Cinderella, any good.
We need to talk. Please, let’s not go back to the way things were. Not after we’ve worked so hard over the last year and half to move beyond the past. I will make myself available ... so we can resolve this issue.
- Prince Charming
She responded:
There really hasn't been anything to communicate about but the emails work great. Thanks.
Cinderella then came home from visiting with her Mom and said:
Mommy looked at my throat and said it looks really bad.
Mommy thinks I may have strep.
Mommy said I am immune to amoxicillin.
Mommy said I should tell the doctor that I am immune to amoxicillin.
Mommy said augmentin will keep me from having my tonsils taken out.
Mommy said I might have allergies.
Mommy said I should be tested for allergies.
For someone who has nothing to communicate about, Maleficent sure has a lot to say.
Maleficent –
Our current method of “communicating” is just not working. Ignoring my phone calls and not responding to my emails or voice mails is not doing either of us, or Cinderella, any good.
We need to talk. Please, let’s not go back to the way things were. Not after we’ve worked so hard over the last year and half to move beyond the past. I will make myself available ... so we can resolve this issue.
- Prince Charming
She responded:
There really hasn't been anything to communicate about but the emails work great. Thanks.
Cinderella then came home from visiting with her Mom and said:
Mommy looked at my throat and said it looks really bad.
Mommy thinks I may have strep.
Mommy said I am immune to amoxicillin.
Mommy said I should tell the doctor that I am immune to amoxicillin.
Mommy said augmentin will keep me from having my tonsils taken out.
Mommy said I might have allergies.
Mommy said I should be tested for allergies.
For someone who has nothing to communicate about, Maleficent sure has a lot to say.
Custody & Visitation: Communication Break Down
It's always the same...
Maleficent continues to maintain radio silence.
Citing that Prince Charming's telephone conversations with her are "disruptive in my home and to my health." Dictating that their communications are to now take place via email only.
She refuses to answer or return phone calls. They don't work for Her, she says.
Perhaps it's too much Reality for her fragile Psyche to handle. She can't escape to her distorted view of reality when engaged in an actual conversation with her Daughter's custodian.
She's hiding behind her Role of The Victim. Escaping reality through Active Avoidance. And in so doing stripping Prince Charming of any and all Authority.
She's not answering his emails either.
Maleficent will send an email when she has something to say. When she wants extra time with Cinderella. When she feels the need to remind Prince Charming of an impending deadline to choose summer vacation weeks so she can then pick her vacation time.
ONLY when She has something to say.
Otherwise, Prince Charming's missives get lost in the ether. Questions, unanswered. Concerns, dismissed. Pleas to work things out, ignored.
He's having one-sided conversations.
It's as if He only exists in her World when and IF She allows it.
I'm tempted to yell. To pick up the phone and scream some sense into her. It's frustrating. Stupid. Childish. And mostly a waste of effort and energy.
Maleficent continues to maintain radio silence.
Citing that Prince Charming's telephone conversations with her are "disruptive in my home and to my health." Dictating that their communications are to now take place via email only.
She refuses to answer or return phone calls. They don't work for Her, she says.
Perhaps it's too much Reality for her fragile Psyche to handle. She can't escape to her distorted view of reality when engaged in an actual conversation with her Daughter's custodian.
She's hiding behind her Role of The Victim. Escaping reality through Active Avoidance. And in so doing stripping Prince Charming of any and all Authority.
She's not answering his emails either.
Maleficent will send an email when she has something to say. When she wants extra time with Cinderella. When she feels the need to remind Prince Charming of an impending deadline to choose summer vacation weeks so she can then pick her vacation time.
ONLY when She has something to say.
Otherwise, Prince Charming's missives get lost in the ether. Questions, unanswered. Concerns, dismissed. Pleas to work things out, ignored.
He's having one-sided conversations.
It's as if He only exists in her World when and IF She allows it.
I'm tempted to yell. To pick up the phone and scream some sense into her. It's frustrating. Stupid. Childish. And mostly a waste of effort and energy.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Custody & Visitation: The Downward Spiral
Hindsight is 20/20.
I should have posted something about Mother's Day if for no other reason so that my first post for this week would have been about something positive instead of the tediously-frustrating-never-ending-bullshit-drama involving Maleficent and Prince Charming and the loathsome Custody. And. Visitation. Stipulation. A document that I have read more times than my own wedding vows. A document that I hate.
(The only thing that keeps me sane is knowing that Maleficent hates it more. Neener-neener!)
Prince Charming should have taken a different approach with Maleficent. Taking a consistent stand with the Rules put in place at the courthouse almost a year and a half ago. As Sandra so brilliantly commented:
"Just like a toddler clear limits have to be set. Once she sees over time and with tons of consistency that nothing is going to bend or budge in her favor...then the BS will stop. "
(You hit the nail right on the head with that. Talk about a lightbulb moment for both P.C. and myself!)
Instead, to his credit as much as our detriment, P.C. tried giving Maleficent the benefit of the doubt. Hoping against hope that she was as committed as he was to Keeping the Peace. And making things work. So he gave in to her every request for extra time.
He's realizing he was wrong.
Maleficent continues to disregard court orders.
Continues to ask forgiveness instead of permission.
To make up her own rules, and direspect Cinderella's rights.
P.C. attempted to lay down the law last month but caved.
He's now attempting it again.
His efforts are currently being met with passive-aggressive avoidance and spitefulness.
She's refusing to answer his calls. Dictating now that all communications are to take place in email only.
(I read that little nugget this morning. Before I even had my coffee.)
Maleficent was supposed to pick up Cinderella from her after-school program yesterday.
A day not cited in the original Visitation document but that P.C. has been allowing b/c he is nice like that. It's also a day she is losing come next week when P.C. enforces the schedule as it's been layed out in the Document From Hell.
Pick up usually takes place at our home. Scheduling conflicts prevented me from being home at the designated time and I am finished being accommodating.
Maleficent does not respond well to not getting her own way and was not happy with P.C. telling her when and where she could get Cinderella. Instead of making the most of an extra day with her Daughter, she called Cinderella AT SCHOOL yesterday to tell her she woudn't be coming to pick her up.
Maleficent did not notify Prince Charming or myself of her decision.
Cinderella was effectively abandoned at afterschool program without any means of getting home yesterday.
Luckily, I was there and she found me before I left to come home.
Today is a normal visitation day. Maleficent will be coming later this afternoon to pick up Cinderella at our home. I am trying to disengage from the rage of emotions I am currently feeling in order to ensure a pleasant interaction.
I am dreading what's to come.
And struggling with trying to find a way to preserve some civility with Maleficent.
I should have posted something about Mother's Day if for no other reason so that my first post for this week would have been about something positive instead of the tediously-frustrating-never-ending-bullshit-drama involving Maleficent and Prince Charming and the loathsome Custody. And. Visitation. Stipulation. A document that I have read more times than my own wedding vows. A document that I hate.
(The only thing that keeps me sane is knowing that Maleficent hates it more. Neener-neener!)
Prince Charming should have taken a different approach with Maleficent. Taking a consistent stand with the Rules put in place at the courthouse almost a year and a half ago. As Sandra so brilliantly commented:
"Just like a toddler clear limits have to be set. Once she sees over time and with tons of consistency that nothing is going to bend or budge in her favor...then the BS will stop. "
(You hit the nail right on the head with that. Talk about a lightbulb moment for both P.C. and myself!)
Instead, to his credit as much as our detriment, P.C. tried giving Maleficent the benefit of the doubt. Hoping against hope that she was as committed as he was to Keeping the Peace. And making things work. So he gave in to her every request for extra time.
He's realizing he was wrong.
Maleficent continues to disregard court orders.
Continues to ask forgiveness instead of permission.
To make up her own rules, and direspect Cinderella's rights.
P.C. attempted to lay down the law last month but caved.
He's now attempting it again.
His efforts are currently being met with passive-aggressive avoidance and spitefulness.
She's refusing to answer his calls. Dictating now that all communications are to take place in email only.
(I read that little nugget this morning. Before I even had my coffee.)
Maleficent was supposed to pick up Cinderella from her after-school program yesterday.
A day not cited in the original Visitation document but that P.C. has been allowing b/c he is nice like that. It's also a day she is losing come next week when P.C. enforces the schedule as it's been layed out in the Document From Hell.
Pick up usually takes place at our home. Scheduling conflicts prevented me from being home at the designated time and I am finished being accommodating.
Maleficent does not respond well to not getting her own way and was not happy with P.C. telling her when and where she could get Cinderella. Instead of making the most of an extra day with her Daughter, she called Cinderella AT SCHOOL yesterday to tell her she woudn't be coming to pick her up.
Maleficent did not notify Prince Charming or myself of her decision.
Cinderella was effectively abandoned at afterschool program without any means of getting home yesterday.
Luckily, I was there and she found me before I left to come home.
Today is a normal visitation day. Maleficent will be coming later this afternoon to pick up Cinderella at our home. I am trying to disengage from the rage of emotions I am currently feeling in order to ensure a pleasant interaction.
I am dreading what's to come.
And struggling with trying to find a way to preserve some civility with Maleficent.
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
Custody & Visitation: Where "Keeping the Peace" Means "Giving In"
I shouldn't be surprised. But I am.
He called Her.
She told Him what he wanted to hear.
He caved.
All in the name if Keeping the Peace.
Prince Charming decided to allow Visitation to go back to what's been in practice for the past year, not what was decided in court. (For.A.Reason.)
In spite of the lack of respect he's been showed.
In spite of my warnings.
In spite of the disparaging remarks Cinderella has had to endure and the pervasive attempts at Parental Alienation.
(And WHOOBOY! did that child get an earful of her Mother's vile verbal diarrhea over the weekend!)
In spite of it all.
Maleficent won. And I do mean Maleficent because Cinderella is not benefitting from extended time with her Mother. Not in this way. Not at the expense of her moral and psychological development.
I don't call him Prince Charming for nothin'.
He's a better man than I am. I hope this doesn't come back to bite him in the ass.
But I fear it will.
He called Her.
She told Him what he wanted to hear.
He caved.
All in the name if Keeping the Peace.
Prince Charming decided to allow Visitation to go back to what's been in practice for the past year, not what was decided in court. (For.A.Reason.)
In spite of the lack of respect he's been showed.
In spite of my warnings.
In spite of the disparaging remarks Cinderella has had to endure and the pervasive attempts at Parental Alienation.
(And WHOOBOY! did that child get an earful of her Mother's vile verbal diarrhea over the weekend!)
In spite of it all.
Maleficent won. And I do mean Maleficent because Cinderella is not benefitting from extended time with her Mother. Not in this way. Not at the expense of her moral and psychological development.
I don't call him Prince Charming for nothin'.
He's a better man than I am. I hope this doesn't come back to bite him in the ass.
But I fear it will.
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Custody & Visitation: Games People Play
Friday was Day One of the "altered" visitation schedule. Where Prince Charming invoked his parental authority and requested that Malifcent follow her visitation schedule to.the.letter from now on.
Maleficent escaped this reality by avoiding his attempts at communication during the week. Hiding behind Cinderella, voice mail and others to avoid speaking with Prince Charming thereby forcing him to leave messages. Messages that were never returned. Messages she pretended not to hear.
Maleficent Escapes reality by Avoiding Communication.
It helps her play the Role of the Victim.
Enables her to show up all our house 1/2 hour early and make angry phone calls, pacing back and forth between our front door and the curb, knocking, ringing, calling P.C. and me on our cell phones. Pretending not to know what's going on.
(My neighbor, alarmed to see her hanging around in front of our house, called to warn me.)
Hi, it's Maleficent. It's 4:15 and I'm outside your house looking for Cinderella.
Umm... I'm waiting!
I was at the dry cleaners when I heard the message on my cell phone.
My Game? I Avoid confontation by Escaping.
"I'm going to run some errands when Cinderella gets home. I'd rather spare myself, and the kids, the unpleasantness of a confrontation should Maleficent decide to show up on our doorstep early."
Ok. That's fine. Prince Charming understood my dilemma and my discomfort with having to face an irrational Maleficent. He also knew as well as I did the likelihood that my fears would be confirmed.
Reluctantly, I called her back leaving Cinderella, Hansel & Gretel in the car with the radio on so they could not hear my conversation. I wanted to be able to talk to her without the children overhearing. At home, I would have a harder time protecting them.
Oh, so that's the game. Ok. I see now. I knew there was some game going on but I wasn't sure what it was, but now I understand.
She challenges me and my knowledge of the visitation agreement. Plays dumb as to P.C.'s phone calls and messages. Pretends she is being wronged. The Victim.
I speak as politely and as friendly as I can and reassure her that I will have Cinderella home in time for her actual visitation pickup as per the agreement. Assured her that I read the papers myself to make sure I had the time correct.
Ok. Well, I'm just gonna wait HERE then.
Her tone meant to threaten. Warn me that she would be sitting outside my house like a stalker waiting for me to pull up.
(This would not be the first time.)
I pull into the driveway. Maleficent is sitting in her car. Waiting. Eyes focused downward at her dashboard.
She does not get out of her car. Makes no efforts to speak with me. I do the same.
Cinderella is anxious and demands for the keys to the house before I have the chance to put the car into Park.
She knows her mother is Angry. Doesn't want to keep her waiting.
"Babe. It's ok. You have done nothing wrong."
I try to reassure her as much as I can. Prepare her for the inevitable onslaught of verbal diarrhea she will have to bear. Disparaging remarks that Maleficent will make about her Father and me. Remarks meant to convince Cinderella that she is being Victimized and we are E.V.I.L.
"I know it makes you uncomfortable. I'm sorry for whatever will happen over the weekend. And I'm sorry if you are going to be dragged back into the middle of something."
"Just remember you did nothing wrong. There is nothing for you to apologize for. Try to ignore whatever you may hear and not let it bother you and if you need to talk to Daddy or me when you come home on Sunday we are here for you."
Cinderella barely heard me. She was preoccupied with thoughts of her Mother.
Waiting.
At the curb.
Stewing.
Seething.
I let her go. Worried over what would happen to her over the weekend. What vile hateful words she would have to hear because she lacks the courage to speak up to her Mother.
Wondering if my decision to not be home was worth it. Blaming myself for what Cinderella would have to put up with over her weekend with her Mother.
Whether I was home or not, Maleficent would still be pissed with having to face reality.
The only way to avoid pissing her off is to give in. Let her do what she wants.
***
How does one handle these types of lose/lose situations?
Maleficent escaped this reality by avoiding his attempts at communication during the week. Hiding behind Cinderella, voice mail and others to avoid speaking with Prince Charming thereby forcing him to leave messages. Messages that were never returned. Messages she pretended not to hear.
Maleficent Escapes reality by Avoiding Communication.
It helps her play the Role of the Victim.
Enables her to show up all our house 1/2 hour early and make angry phone calls, pacing back and forth between our front door and the curb, knocking, ringing, calling P.C. and me on our cell phones. Pretending not to know what's going on.
(My neighbor, alarmed to see her hanging around in front of our house, called to warn me.)
Hi, it's Maleficent. It's 4:15 and I'm outside your house looking for Cinderella.
Umm... I'm waiting!
I was at the dry cleaners when I heard the message on my cell phone.
My Game? I Avoid confontation by Escaping.
"I'm going to run some errands when Cinderella gets home. I'd rather spare myself, and the kids, the unpleasantness of a confrontation should Maleficent decide to show up on our doorstep early."
Ok. That's fine. Prince Charming understood my dilemma and my discomfort with having to face an irrational Maleficent. He also knew as well as I did the likelihood that my fears would be confirmed.
Reluctantly, I called her back leaving Cinderella, Hansel & Gretel in the car with the radio on so they could not hear my conversation. I wanted to be able to talk to her without the children overhearing. At home, I would have a harder time protecting them.
Oh, so that's the game. Ok. I see now. I knew there was some game going on but I wasn't sure what it was, but now I understand.
She challenges me and my knowledge of the visitation agreement. Plays dumb as to P.C.'s phone calls and messages. Pretends she is being wronged. The Victim.
I speak as politely and as friendly as I can and reassure her that I will have Cinderella home in time for her actual visitation pickup as per the agreement. Assured her that I read the papers myself to make sure I had the time correct.
Ok. Well, I'm just gonna wait HERE then.
Her tone meant to threaten. Warn me that she would be sitting outside my house like a stalker waiting for me to pull up.
(This would not be the first time.)
I pull into the driveway. Maleficent is sitting in her car. Waiting. Eyes focused downward at her dashboard.
She does not get out of her car. Makes no efforts to speak with me. I do the same.
Cinderella is anxious and demands for the keys to the house before I have the chance to put the car into Park.
She knows her mother is Angry. Doesn't want to keep her waiting.
"Babe. It's ok. You have done nothing wrong."
I try to reassure her as much as I can. Prepare her for the inevitable onslaught of verbal diarrhea she will have to bear. Disparaging remarks that Maleficent will make about her Father and me. Remarks meant to convince Cinderella that she is being Victimized and we are E.V.I.L.
"I know it makes you uncomfortable. I'm sorry for whatever will happen over the weekend. And I'm sorry if you are going to be dragged back into the middle of something."
"Just remember you did nothing wrong. There is nothing for you to apologize for. Try to ignore whatever you may hear and not let it bother you and if you need to talk to Daddy or me when you come home on Sunday we are here for you."
Cinderella barely heard me. She was preoccupied with thoughts of her Mother.
Waiting.
At the curb.
Stewing.
Seething.
I let her go. Worried over what would happen to her over the weekend. What vile hateful words she would have to hear because she lacks the courage to speak up to her Mother.
Wondering if my decision to not be home was worth it. Blaming myself for what Cinderella would have to put up with over her weekend with her Mother.
Whether I was home or not, Maleficent would still be pissed with having to face reality.
The only way to avoid pissing her off is to give in. Let her do what she wants.
***
How does one handle these types of lose/lose situations?
Friday, April 13, 2007
Custody Issues: Summer Vacation Planning
Summer is almost here.
The custody agreement dictates that Prince Charming and Malificent are each entitled to "two uninterrupted non-consecutive weeks of vacation" with Cinderella.
That means only two chances for us to plan a vacation together as a Family Unit.
In all likelihood Hansel and Cinderella will both be attending a summer camp which runs for the months of July and August.
That leaves us with the choice of one week in June and one in late-August.
::poof!::
Summer's gone! And it hasn't even started!
It's been 4 years since we have had a vacation as a Family.
Now we're a family of five. We have a 10 y/o, 4 y/o and 1.5 y/o to contend with.
We're faced with the challenge of finding a destination that has something for everyone. Including us.
(Yes, I know I'm being delusional but indulge me for a bit, K?)
We've looked into cruises. The self-proclaimed "Fun Ship" does not offer any discounts for kids. You pay as much for them as any guest to the tune of $900 a pop. ARE THEY INSANE?!?!? No thanks.
Moving on...
We're considering Disney's Animal Kingdom Lodge because of all the fun Disney-style perks like free airport transportation that INCLUDES getting your luggage FROM the airport TO your hotel; having stuff billed and sent directly to your room so you don't have to lug it around all day. And we all know how much crap is involved when you are travelling with young kids.
Downside? The lure of the other parks. I mean, how can you go to Disney and NOT see the other parks? Fear of spending a GAZILLION dollars, that's how.
Ok, next...
I was totally intrigued when I heard about Jamaica's Franklyn D. Resorts and their BRILLIANT! concept of Vacation Nannies. They give you free childcare for the duration of your stay.
Childcare!
As in People!
To watch your children!
And keep them entertained!
For FREE!
Downside? What exactly are their credentials and competancy? Can I trust a perfect stranger to watch my children as diligently as I do? My girlfriend's Aunt lives in Jamaica. Her Aunt has a friend who works at one of the resorts. We're investigating.
And, finally...
RVing!
But to where?
***
Please advise. Quickly!
Prince Charming has to pick his first vacation week soon.
(Oh yes, the custody agreement is VERY SPECIFIC about who can pick what and WHEN.)
(Can you say, P.E.T.T.Y.?)
(At least it's not me, for once.)
The custody agreement dictates that Prince Charming and Malificent are each entitled to "two uninterrupted non-consecutive weeks of vacation" with Cinderella.
That means only two chances for us to plan a vacation together as a Family Unit.
In all likelihood Hansel and Cinderella will both be attending a summer camp which runs for the months of July and August.
That leaves us with the choice of one week in June and one in late-August.
::poof!::
Summer's gone! And it hasn't even started!
It's been 4 years since we have had a vacation as a Family.
Now we're a family of five. We have a 10 y/o, 4 y/o and 1.5 y/o to contend with.
We're faced with the challenge of finding a destination that has something for everyone. Including us.
(Yes, I know I'm being delusional but indulge me for a bit, K?)
We've looked into cruises. The self-proclaimed "Fun Ship" does not offer any discounts for kids. You pay as much for them as any guest to the tune of $900 a pop. ARE THEY INSANE?!?!? No thanks.
Moving on...
We're considering Disney's Animal Kingdom Lodge because of all the fun Disney-style perks like free airport transportation that INCLUDES getting your luggage FROM the airport TO your hotel; having stuff billed and sent directly to your room so you don't have to lug it around all day. And we all know how much crap is involved when you are travelling with young kids.
Downside? The lure of the other parks. I mean, how can you go to Disney and NOT see the other parks? Fear of spending a GAZILLION dollars, that's how.
Ok, next...
I was totally intrigued when I heard about Jamaica's Franklyn D. Resorts and their BRILLIANT! concept of Vacation Nannies. They give you free childcare for the duration of your stay.
Childcare!
As in People!
To watch your children!
And keep them entertained!
For FREE!
Downside? What exactly are their credentials and competancy? Can I trust a perfect stranger to watch my children as diligently as I do? My girlfriend's Aunt lives in Jamaica. Her Aunt has a friend who works at one of the resorts. We're investigating.
And, finally...
RVing!
But to where?
***
Please advise. Quickly!
Prince Charming has to pick his first vacation week soon.
(Oh yes, the custody agreement is VERY SPECIFIC about who can pick what and WHEN.)
(Can you say, P.E.T.T.Y.?)
(At least it's not me, for once.)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)