Throughout
late 2010 and early 2011, Prince Charming had been battling depression
and anxiety.
He became incapable of caring for anyone...especially
himself.
(Being unemployed for close to 8months, to a man who
based his entire identity on his ability to support his family and be an
Internet Superstar, served as a crushing blow to his fragile ego.)
He struggled emotionally. I struggled financially.
Despite it all, our relationship improved and we were able to make co-parent decisions easily and without conflict.
We agreed that it'd be best if I assumed full custody of Hansel and Gretel in Spring 2011.
Cinderella spent many sleepovers at her Aunt's and Grandparent's both of whom lived within her school district and were able to lend some support while PrinceCharming struggled.
When summer came, PrinceCharming
asked Cinderella to spend it with her mother so he could
focus on getting better. She agreed to give it a try.
Cinderella was now close to an hour North of me.
PrinceCharming landed a job, at an internet startup.
He then retreated into the city. Close to an hour south of me.
Summer came and went, and Cinderella was then enrolled in High School and asked to stay with Maleficent for her Sophomore year.
PrinceCharming decided that moving Cinderella into the city with him would not be good
as she would be left alone most of the time with him working those
crazy startup hours.
The adjustment was difficult on everyone...especially our three children who were not only separated from their Dad, but now also each other.
Maleficent's "custody" of Cinderella lasted all of four months.
It was four months too long.
During her exile, Cinderella endured isolation in the form of denied visits to my home, was subjected to regular bouts of Maleficent's verbal diarrhea on the state of her victimization at the hands of PrinceCharming, and was repeatedly forced to choose between her parents only to be called a traitor when she showed her disdain for living with Maleficent and Diablo.
(Oh and toss in a little blackmail too, as in "if you choose to live with your father. we'll tell your baby brothers that you abandoned them and will make sure you never see them again.")
After his (near fatal) accident, it would be two weeks before Cinderella was allowed to visit PrinceCharming in the hospital.
When she was allowed to visit my home, Cinderella started asking questions about what really happened between her mother and father.
"What did Mom do to cause her to lose custody of me?" Was it bad? It must be bad because a judge doesn't just take custody from a parent without good reason. Was I in danger of being hurt? Is she schizophrenic or something?"
Oh boy.
I answered without answering. Left it up to her to decide.
"Babe, you're old enough to see and understand for yourself. You know what you've witnessed and experienced."
It wasn't my place to tell her the details.
But she already knows.
And she is afraid of suffering the same fate as her mother.
Worried that she, too, will at some point be diagnosed with a similar behavioral disorder.
"Mom lives in her own world, that is not based on reality," she tells me.
Wow. It's like she has her own copy of the DSM IV-R hidden in her back pocket!
When we could get a visit, Cinderella's weekends with us were always bittersweet.
My house was once again filled with the cacophony of giggles and screeches of hyperactive kids, happy to have their missing Musketeer back with them.
The dinner table became a hub of cross-talk as we each competed to get Cinderella's attention and bring her up to date on what happened since the last time we saw her.
Inevitably it would end in tears as Hansel and Gretel sobbed when she had to leave, while Cinderella silently stressed over returning to her mother's.
Her bliss at being reunited with us was always so short lived.
The drive back was particularly difficult for both of us because of the specific instructions that I would NOT drop Cinderella off in front of Maleficent's home. Rather, she was to be brought to a gas station around the corner.
You see, apparently... Maleficent's road was PRIVATE and I was not allowed on it. Must be nice to have that kind of POWER, no?
Talk about being treated like the red-headed stepchild! And you people call me Wicked. Pfft!
Ridiculous.
I know.
But
I deferred to Cinderella who was so fearful of her mother's tirades
that I did not want to do anything to make her stay there any worse.
So I acquiesced for my stepdaughter's sake.
This wasn't about me, it was about her sanity and me wanting to spare her from as much grief as I could.
Cinderella was rescued from her prison tower on January 1st of this year.
It was on the heels of her acting out, as only teens can do to get attention - drinking herself into oblivion with some friends from her self-described "ghetto school" just to make herself numb.
"I wanted to not feel," she told me.
PrinceCharming arranged for a holiday visit to get her away from the toxic environment at her mother's. He asked if Cinderella could spend New Year's weekend with me, since she wasn't allowed to spend Christmas with her Family of Choice.
With us, she could get some sense of normalcy, see Hansel and Gretel and be in a happy family environment.
It
was during her weekend stay with me for New Year's that ultimately
resulted in PrinceCharming realizing he had made a terrible mistake in sending Cinderella to live with her mother.
We learned of how deeply she was being traumatized on a daily basis.
That short visit ultimately turned into a two weeks respite at my home while PrinceCharming made arrangements to have her transferred to live with my ex-inlaws.
At least there, she would have more involvement with Hansel, Gretel and me.
At least there, PrinceCharming would be allowed to act like a father, inasmuch as he is able.
As least there, we can ALL keep a close eye on this troubled girl and help to regulate her erratic emotions.
And so began another adjustment for her.
And one that hasn't been very easy...
Showing posts with label biomom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label biomom. Show all posts
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Instant Karma's Gonna Get You
It might not be instant per se BUT my faith in what-comes-around-goes-around has once again been restored.
A court date as finally been set so Prince Charming can address themonths years of Maleficents' spiteful and deliberate violations to her visitation stipulation.
Unfortunately it took last Friday's episode to speed things up - mostly thanks to an order of protection that was filed and served on Cinderella's behalf which temporarily suspends all visitation with Maleficent until next week's court date.
(If Maleficent can't control her mouth over the fact that Cinderella can't go SWIMMING, surely she will not handle being taken back to court very well. And Cindy has suffered enough thanks to that broad's missing sensitivity chip.)
The judge NOW sees the urgency of getting this case brought to court so the issues at hand can be addressed.
And (hopefully) STOPPED.
Disparaging comments. Emotional and psychological abuse. Arbitrary adjustments to her pick up and drop off times. Failure to communicate or accept her court ordered responsibilities.
It all must end. Cinderella is being hurt at the hands of her "mother." And it's not fair.
Cinderella is relieved that Prince Charming is making progress to protect her.
Relieved that she gets a brief reprieve from having to go to Maleficent's for the next week.
Still she is apprehensive over having to talk to her mother on the phone, knowing "how Mommy gets" and worried what she will have to say about being dragged back to court and not being allowed to see her preshus baby.
There is no guarantee that Maleficent will hold her tongue. There never is. The best we could give Cinderella is the empowerment to hand the phone over to her Dad or me if she hears something that upsets her.
Yeah, instant karma's gonna get you.
Maleficent... You better get yourself together darlin'. Join the human race.
A court date as finally been set so Prince Charming can address the
Unfortunately it took last Friday's episode to speed things up - mostly thanks to an order of protection that was filed and served on Cinderella's behalf which temporarily suspends all visitation with Maleficent until next week's court date.
(If Maleficent can't control her mouth over the fact that Cinderella can't go SWIMMING, surely she will not handle being taken back to court very well. And Cindy has suffered enough thanks to that broad's missing sensitivity chip.)
The judge NOW sees the urgency of getting this case brought to court so the issues at hand can be addressed.
And (hopefully) STOPPED.
Disparaging comments. Emotional and psychological abuse. Arbitrary adjustments to her pick up and drop off times. Failure to communicate or accept her court ordered responsibilities.
It all must end. Cinderella is being hurt at the hands of her "mother." And it's not fair.
Cinderella is relieved that Prince Charming is making progress to protect her.
Relieved that she gets a brief reprieve from having to go to Maleficent's for the next week.
Still she is apprehensive over having to talk to her mother on the phone, knowing "how Mommy gets" and worried what she will have to say about being dragged back to court and not being allowed to see her preshus baby.
There is no guarantee that Maleficent will hold her tongue. There never is. The best we could give Cinderella is the empowerment to hand the phone over to her Dad or me if she hears something that upsets her.
Yeah, instant karma's gonna get you.
Maleficent... You better get yourself together darlin'. Join the human race.
Monday, March 16, 2009
It's Lonely At The Top
The problem with taking the High Road when it comes to dealing with Maleficent, is that I am oftentimes alone.
Alone with my inner struggle of doing what's best for Cinderella versus wanting to slap the crap out of her "mother" for creating such turmoil in everyone's lives.
Alone while I watch my stepdaughter struggle to accept the reality of WHO and WHAT her mother is and HOW to deal with that (while not contributing to that opinion by speaking ill of Maleficent in front of Cinderella. EVER.).
Alone in not being able to protect Cinderella as situations like last Friday unfold, after sending Cinderella to her Mom's for the weekend, sans her bathing suit.
Maleficent and Diablo SPED back up our street BACKWARDS and sent Cinderella inside to claim her bathing suit.
Her facial expression spoke volumes. Cinderella did NOT want to come back inside. She did NOT want to go swimming because she had her period. Not because I said no.
But Maleficent had turned it into a battle or HER vs. ME. It was no longer about what Cinderella might have wanted. It was about Maleficent getting HER OWN WAY and Cinderella was going to get that bathing suit dammit!
Cinderella asked me for guidance on what to say to her Mom. She knew she HAD to go for the weekend, even though she no longer wanted to. I tried my best to help her with the right words, but nothing any of us could have said at that moment would make any difference.
I reminded Cinderella simply that she had her period and could not go swimming.
It didn't matter WHO was asking to take her - be it a girlfriend or Maleficent - she could not go THIS weekend. Period. (Pun intended.)
And then I told Cinderella that Maleficent could talk to Prince Charming about it if she felt it was that important. He was, afterall, the final say on this and if he felt it was OK, then she could come back and get her suit.
(I was hoping this would somehow take the pressure off and protect Cinderella. I was wrong.)
From the curb, Maleficent's rage could be heard by my neighbors AND Cinderella's 6 year old brother and friends who were playing outside.
WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT ASSHOLE THINK HE IS?!?! HE HAS SOME NERVE!!
THAT FUCKING BITCH.
(And so on.)
Cinderella told us her mother ranted for the entire car ride home. Mostly to herself because no one else was responding.
Cinderella was also subjected to hearing her mother tell her that she WILL NOT buy her anything EVER AGAIN because SHE bought the bathing suit for Cinderella and that money could have been better spent on bills.
Huh? No one is holding the bathing suit hostage.
Once again the lines of reality have been blurred in the midst of Maleficent's bipolar tantrums.
Cinderella told us that she holed herself up in her bedroom for the rest of Friday night. Waiting out the end of her mother's tirade which eventually came to an end and she was able to enjoy the rest of her weekend.
(With the exception of when her mother took her swimming anyway, despite Cinderella's protests, and forced the poor girl to go into the pool. Ooh. Ahh. I guess she showed me, huh?)
Cinderella was glad to be home come Sunday night. Glad to be able to talk to us about what happened and to do a little venting of her own.
I am sure that to many the simple solution would have been to let Cinderella take the bathing suit.
That this ALL could have been avoided if I had just given in.
That it's MY fault. The Wicked Stepmom who had no right saying "no."
That, indeed, I am too big for my britches.
But to anyone who has been following my journey will know that NOTHING will guarantee peace with Maleficent.
And lord knows how I have tried.
Giving in to avoid conflict only prolongs the inevitable temper tantrum and downward spiral that always comes from an untreated manic depressive.
This was not about ME vs. Maleficent. It had nothing to do with her at all.
It was a simple lesson that most woman have learned at one time or another. Unfortunately, this was Cinderella's time to learn that being a woman sometimes ain't all it's cracked up to be.
It's simple biology. You can't argue with that.
Except...when it comes to parenting. Because I have learned over the years that there is much MORE to parenting than simple BIOLOGY.
Just because I am not Cinderela's BIOLOGICAL parent, does not mean that I do not have any of the responsibilities that come with parenting her.
And I will never stop doing that. No matter how many times I am challenged.
I am a hard-ass.
I am not going to back down over of a matter of simple biology.
Alone with my inner struggle of doing what's best for Cinderella versus wanting to slap the crap out of her "mother" for creating such turmoil in everyone's lives.
Alone while I watch my stepdaughter struggle to accept the reality of WHO and WHAT her mother is and HOW to deal with that (while not contributing to that opinion by speaking ill of Maleficent in front of Cinderella. EVER.).
Alone in not being able to protect Cinderella as situations like last Friday unfold, after sending Cinderella to her Mom's for the weekend, sans her bathing suit.
Maleficent and Diablo SPED back up our street BACKWARDS and sent Cinderella inside to claim her bathing suit.
Her facial expression spoke volumes. Cinderella did NOT want to come back inside. She did NOT want to go swimming because she had her period. Not because I said no.
But Maleficent had turned it into a battle or HER vs. ME. It was no longer about what Cinderella might have wanted. It was about Maleficent getting HER OWN WAY and Cinderella was going to get that bathing suit dammit!
Cinderella asked me for guidance on what to say to her Mom. She knew she HAD to go for the weekend, even though she no longer wanted to. I tried my best to help her with the right words, but nothing any of us could have said at that moment would make any difference.
I reminded Cinderella simply that she had her period and could not go swimming.
It didn't matter WHO was asking to take her - be it a girlfriend or Maleficent - she could not go THIS weekend. Period. (Pun intended.)
And then I told Cinderella that Maleficent could talk to Prince Charming about it if she felt it was that important. He was, afterall, the final say on this and if he felt it was OK, then she could come back and get her suit.
(I was hoping this would somehow take the pressure off and protect Cinderella. I was wrong.)
From the curb, Maleficent's rage could be heard by my neighbors AND Cinderella's 6 year old brother and friends who were playing outside.
WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT ASSHOLE THINK HE IS?!?! HE HAS SOME NERVE!!
THAT FUCKING BITCH.
(And so on.)
Cinderella told us her mother ranted for the entire car ride home. Mostly to herself because no one else was responding.
Cinderella was also subjected to hearing her mother tell her that she WILL NOT buy her anything EVER AGAIN because SHE bought the bathing suit for Cinderella and that money could have been better spent on bills.
Huh? No one is holding the bathing suit hostage.
Once again the lines of reality have been blurred in the midst of Maleficent's bipolar tantrums.
Cinderella told us that she holed herself up in her bedroom for the rest of Friday night. Waiting out the end of her mother's tirade which eventually came to an end and she was able to enjoy the rest of her weekend.
(With the exception of when her mother took her swimming anyway, despite Cinderella's protests, and forced the poor girl to go into the pool. Ooh. Ahh. I guess she showed me, huh?)
Cinderella was glad to be home come Sunday night. Glad to be able to talk to us about what happened and to do a little venting of her own.
I am sure that to many the simple solution would have been to let Cinderella take the bathing suit.
That this ALL could have been avoided if I had just given in.
That it's MY fault. The Wicked Stepmom who had no right saying "no."
That, indeed, I am too big for my britches.
But to anyone who has been following my journey will know that NOTHING will guarantee peace with Maleficent.
And lord knows how I have tried.
Giving in to avoid conflict only prolongs the inevitable temper tantrum and downward spiral that always comes from an untreated manic depressive.
This was not about ME vs. Maleficent. It had nothing to do with her at all.
It was a simple lesson that most woman have learned at one time or another. Unfortunately, this was Cinderella's time to learn that being a woman sometimes ain't all it's cracked up to be.
It's simple biology. You can't argue with that.
Except...when it comes to parenting. Because I have learned over the years that there is much MORE to parenting than simple BIOLOGY.
Just because I am not Cinderela's BIOLOGICAL parent, does not mean that I do not have any of the responsibilities that come with parenting her.
And I will never stop doing that. No matter how many times I am challenged.
I am a hard-ass.
I am not going to back down over of a matter of simple biology.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Yes, Magic Grits Exist Fairytales Too
Maleficent: Bring your bathing suit this weekend because I have a free swim pass.
Cinderella: Ok, Mom. Oh, no... wait. I can't. I have my period.
Maleficent: Oh, that's ok. You can still swim, the bleeding stops in the water.
***
Umm...
WHAT?!?!?
Is she fecking KIDDING me???
I wanted to call Maleficent on the phone and issue a My Cousin Vinny-esque cross examination:
I refrained, cuz you know how I like to take the high road and all.
But, you can bet your ass I did NOT let Cinderella leave this house with a bathing suit in hand.
Cuz... EWWW.
Cinderella: Ok, Mom. Oh, no... wait. I can't. I have my period.
Maleficent: Oh, that's ok. You can still swim, the bleeding stops in the water.
***
Umm...
WHAT?!?!?
Is she fecking KIDDING me???
I wanted to call Maleficent on the phone and issue a My Cousin Vinny-esque cross examination:
"So, Maleficent, how is it that your vaj does not bleed in pool water when the same can not be said for the entire menstruating world?
I guess the laws of physics cease to exist in your girly bits (just as the laws of reason cease to exist in your melon). Do you have a magic vajayjay? Is your Aunt Flo the same broad who sold Jack his beanstalk beans?"
I refrained, cuz you know how I like to take the high road and all.
But, you can bet your ass I did NOT let Cinderella leave this house with a bathing suit in hand.
Cuz... EWWW.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho, It's Back to Court They Go
A month ago Prince Charming filed violation papers against Maleficent.
After three years of trying to make things work in a civilized fashion, only to be slapped in the face repeatedly, he's finally taking the advice of his lawyer and Cinderella's law guardian.
They warned him after he won sole legal custody that Maleficent WOULD push the envelope and she WOULD screw up and he WOULD HAVE TO bring her back to court until she finally accepted her reality (while also cautioning that she may NEVER do as is typically the case with people suffering from untreated bipolar disorder).
Like me, he thought it could be avoided.
Like me, he thought they could work things out like adults.
Like me, he thought she would put Cinderella's needs and well-being above her own pettiness.
Like me, he was WRONG.
He tried. I tried. And Maleficent "tried" - but for only as long as she was given her own way and allowed to play the victim doing WHAT she wanted WHEN she wanted.
On the rare occasion she was told NO or expected to step up as a parent, things quickly went south.
Now Prince Charming has learned what Cinderella is being exposed to as a result of Maleficent's tantrums.
Lies. Disparaging remarks. Cursing and name-calling. Parental alienation.
His daughter is being mentally and emotionally abused at the hands of her "mother."
He can no longer look the other way or try to rationalize. He needs assistance.
Papers were filed in early January with the promise of a court date and notices being sent to our respective homes ASAP.
We waited. And I worried.
I worried that Cinderella would be with Maleficent when the court notice was delivered and that she would be exposed to her mother's rage.
Then Prince Charming was told the notices would be delivered during the week of Cinderella's late drama rehearsals. She would not be with her mother that week.
I was relieved. Hoping that would give Maleficent enough time to calm down and Cinderella would be spared any further harm.
That week came and went. No court notices arrived.
Prince Charming was then told the notices were going out the week of Cinderella's school break. Cinderella was home that week as well.
Again, I was relieved.
Still no notices came.
WTH?
It took a personal visit back to the court house for Prince Charming to find out that a court date HAD been set, but that the judge changed it and NO ONE was notified. So the paperwork sat somewhere and the case was never reassigned on the calendar.
IMBECILES!
PC was promised this would be taken care of this week.
I wish I could stop myself from worrying. That I could have been spared spending the last FOUR WEEKS filled with dread for Cinderella knowing that I was helpless to protect her from any further abuse at the hands of her "mother."
(No matter what our personal feelings are, we have never said a single bad word about Maleficent in front of or to Cinderella.)
(If only she was able to do the same.)
I am trying to remind myself that everything happens for a reason.
That while this situation might not be proceeding as we WANT it to, it is proceeding as it NEEDS to.
Whatever the reason might be.
Maybe the delay is so the right judge can be assigned to the case.
Maybe Cinderella is supposed to be with her mother when the notices are delivered so she can learn HOW to speak up to her.
Or maybe it's because Maleficent is destined to do something so horrid that she will lose everything once-and-for-all.
(Prince Charming has been warned of suspected questionable activity at Maleficent and Diablo's house. None of which Cinderella has confirmed but PC is still concerned and watchful.)
This last point fills me with the most dread for as much as I would like to see Maleficent finally get her come-uppins I do not want my stepdaughter to suffer any more.
It is that fear that's kept us out of court for this long.
It is out of this fear that Prince Charming and I have done as much as we have over the years to get along with Maleficent.
And now I fear that in our efforts to placate Maleficent's delicate emotional state and protect Cinderella that we may have done nothing more than postpone the inevitable.
Of course, I could be just a tad melodramatic here!
I mean ... without the melodrama, would this blog be nearly as interesting??
I think not.
After three years of trying to make things work in a civilized fashion, only to be slapped in the face repeatedly, he's finally taking the advice of his lawyer and Cinderella's law guardian.
They warned him after he won sole legal custody that Maleficent WOULD push the envelope and she WOULD screw up and he WOULD HAVE TO bring her back to court until she finally accepted her reality (while also cautioning that she may NEVER do as is typically the case with people suffering from untreated bipolar disorder).
Like me, he thought it could be avoided.
Like me, he thought they could work things out like adults.
Like me, he thought she would put Cinderella's needs and well-being above her own pettiness.
Like me, he was WRONG.
He tried. I tried. And Maleficent "tried" - but for only as long as she was given her own way and allowed to play the victim doing WHAT she wanted WHEN she wanted.
On the rare occasion she was told NO or expected to step up as a parent, things quickly went south.
Now Prince Charming has learned what Cinderella is being exposed to as a result of Maleficent's tantrums.
Lies. Disparaging remarks. Cursing and name-calling. Parental alienation.
His daughter is being mentally and emotionally abused at the hands of her "mother."
He can no longer look the other way or try to rationalize. He needs assistance.
Papers were filed in early January with the promise of a court date and notices being sent to our respective homes ASAP.
We waited. And I worried.
I worried that Cinderella would be with Maleficent when the court notice was delivered and that she would be exposed to her mother's rage.
Then Prince Charming was told the notices would be delivered during the week of Cinderella's late drama rehearsals. She would not be with her mother that week.
I was relieved. Hoping that would give Maleficent enough time to calm down and Cinderella would be spared any further harm.
That week came and went. No court notices arrived.
Prince Charming was then told the notices were going out the week of Cinderella's school break. Cinderella was home that week as well.
Again, I was relieved.
Still no notices came.
WTH?
It took a personal visit back to the court house for Prince Charming to find out that a court date HAD been set, but that the judge changed it and NO ONE was notified. So the paperwork sat somewhere and the case was never reassigned on the calendar.
IMBECILES!
PC was promised this would be taken care of this week.
I wish I could stop myself from worrying. That I could have been spared spending the last FOUR WEEKS filled with dread for Cinderella knowing that I was helpless to protect her from any further abuse at the hands of her "mother."
(No matter what our personal feelings are, we have never said a single bad word about Maleficent in front of or to Cinderella.)
(If only she was able to do the same.)
I am trying to remind myself that everything happens for a reason.
That while this situation might not be proceeding as we WANT it to, it is proceeding as it NEEDS to.
Whatever the reason might be.
Maybe the delay is so the right judge can be assigned to the case.
Maybe Cinderella is supposed to be with her mother when the notices are delivered so she can learn HOW to speak up to her.
Or maybe it's because Maleficent is destined to do something so horrid that she will lose everything once-and-for-all.
(Prince Charming has been warned of suspected questionable activity at Maleficent and Diablo's house. None of which Cinderella has confirmed but PC is still concerned and watchful.)
This last point fills me with the most dread for as much as I would like to see Maleficent finally get her come-uppins I do not want my stepdaughter to suffer any more.
It is that fear that's kept us out of court for this long.
It is out of this fear that Prince Charming and I have done as much as we have over the years to get along with Maleficent.
And now I fear that in our efforts to placate Maleficent's delicate emotional state and protect Cinderella that we may have done nothing more than postpone the inevitable.
Of course, I could be just a tad melodramatic here!
I mean ... without the melodrama, would this blog be nearly as interesting??
I think not.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Another Milestone for the Tween
Today, I am taking Cinderella to get her ears pierced.
I was the same age as she is (12) when my mother took me.
It's a nice way to commemorate the end of her 'Tween Years and I am so excited to be able to take her!
It's been in the works for several months now-Prince Charming and I agree that she is NOW old enough to take care of them properly.
(Maleficent took her when she was 8 without any prior discussions which she was REQUIRED to do because Prince Charming had primary rights though it was a shared custody. A month later I had to take Cinderella to the doctor to have the earring CUT OUT of her infected ear lobe because she kept SQUEEZING the post backs too tightly and essentially INTO her piercing hole. Prince Charming asked Maleficent that they wait until Cinderella is older before revisiting this again.)
(A year later, Cinderella returned from a visit with Maleficent with shiny new earrings. After a week we REMOVED them because she would not stop playing with them. We were in the midst of the custody change and, while Maleficent had lost ALL rights to make or act on any decisions, the courts had to specifically mention that Maleficent STOP PIERCING HER CHILDS' EARS ALREADY.)
Three years later, Prince Charming feels Cinderella is now ready for this responsibility.
She has been flitting around for the past three days since I told her and has all sorts of shopping trips planned for earrings once the holes are healed.
Cinderella has not told her mother yet because "Mommy will be mad because she wanted to take me."
Why must this woman overshadow EVERYTHING that is good????
I was the same age as she is (12) when my mother took me.
It's a nice way to commemorate the end of her 'Tween Years and I am so excited to be able to take her!
It's been in the works for several months now-Prince Charming and I agree that she is NOW old enough to take care of them properly.
(Maleficent took her when she was 8 without any prior discussions which she was REQUIRED to do because Prince Charming had primary rights though it was a shared custody. A month later I had to take Cinderella to the doctor to have the earring CUT OUT of her infected ear lobe because she kept SQUEEZING the post backs too tightly and essentially INTO her piercing hole. Prince Charming asked Maleficent that they wait until Cinderella is older before revisiting this again.)
(A year later, Cinderella returned from a visit with Maleficent with shiny new earrings. After a week we REMOVED them because she would not stop playing with them. We were in the midst of the custody change and, while Maleficent had lost ALL rights to make or act on any decisions, the courts had to specifically mention that Maleficent STOP PIERCING HER CHILDS' EARS ALREADY.)
Three years later, Prince Charming feels Cinderella is now ready for this responsibility.
She has been flitting around for the past three days since I told her and has all sorts of shopping trips planned for earrings once the holes are healed.
Cinderella has not told her mother yet because "Mommy will be mad because she wanted to take me."
Why must this woman overshadow EVERYTHING that is good????
Friday, January 23, 2009
Where is MY Oscar Nomination?
So, is that Cinderella's mother?
"Yep."
And... are you... OK with that?
I stared at the teacher blankly for a minute, standing in the middle of drama rehearsals as I watched Cinderella walk out with Maleficent (and Diablo) for her evening visitation.
The only audible sounds were those of my eyelids as I blinked HEAVILY in disbelief over the question and EXCITEDLY over the miriad of responses that were flooding my mind.
Was this woman SERIOUSLY asking me if I was OK with the fact that Maleficent was Cinderella's mother???
Of course not, but OHMYGOD if only I could answer that question honestly FOR ONCE.
Then I looked around for Allen Funt 'cuz clearly this was some kind of JOKE or TEST and there MUST be someone waiting in the wings ready to present me with a BIG HONKING GOLD MEDAL for exercizing self-restraint and not launching into a diatribe over my TRUE feelings about this woman... this so-called "mother" of my stepdaughter.
There were no medals, no golden statues, no rounds of applause.
Just my own self-satisfaction for being an adult and following the advice of my own personal hero, Thumper:
"Yep."
And... are you... OK with that?
I stared at the teacher blankly for a minute, standing in the middle of drama rehearsals as I watched Cinderella walk out with Maleficent (and Diablo) for her evening visitation.
The only audible sounds were those of my eyelids as I blinked HEAVILY in disbelief over the question and EXCITEDLY over the miriad of responses that were flooding my mind.
Was this woman SERIOUSLY asking me if I was OK with the fact that Maleficent was Cinderella's mother???
Of course not, but OHMYGOD if only I could answer that question honestly FOR ONCE.
Then I looked around for Allen Funt 'cuz clearly this was some kind of JOKE or TEST and there MUST be someone waiting in the wings ready to present me with a BIG HONKING GOLD MEDAL for exercizing self-restraint and not launching into a diatribe over my TRUE feelings about this woman... this so-called "mother" of my stepdaughter.
There were no medals, no golden statues, no rounds of applause.
Just my own self-satisfaction for being an adult and following the advice of my own personal hero, Thumper:
If you can't say something nice... don't say nothin' at all.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
The Stepmom Strikes Back
Maleficent did not take too kindly to me calling her out on her choice to call Hansel & Gretel Cinderella's half-siblings. It was self-serving and intended to belittle our childrens' relationship with one another.
And it PISSED. ME. OFF.
I criticized her for being so petty and accused her of being threatened by our ability to provide a loving family for Cinderella. I told her she was pathetic.
I told her that we had all grown weary of her and her bipolar issues and that she would one day soon regret her actions as of late.
She didn't like what I had to say. She didn't like it one bit:
I read her email and felt an immediate rush of adrenaline.
I might have even recited this prayer once or twice.
I was shocked (and secretly pleased) that I had managed to elicit a response from her. I obviously struck a nerve in some way.
Her anger was all over the place, her comments erratic and nonsensical. In fact I don't understand what half of her statements were supposed to mean or how she expected me to react to them.
"You were just a thought later."
Huh? Isn't that usually how it works? People get married, people get divorced, people move on. No?
I was not surprised to see the harassment accusation thrown in at the end. A single email can hardly qualify as harassment. But she is a coward. That's just how she rolls.
I resisted the urge to correct her typos, l'est my bridges get any bigger. ;)
But I did need to make one thing very clear to her:
Prince Charming also came to my defense. He was infuriated by her behavior and her language.
He chose to call her, to let her know he was aware of this little exchange and that he felt as strongly about it as I did and that he did not like the way she was talking TO and talking ABOUT his wife. The mother of the home in which Cinderella lives.
He might also even have stated that I am more of a mother than she will EVER be.
There has been no further backlash. Maleficent is acting as though this never happened. No retorts. Certainly no apologies. Nothing more has been stated - verbally or in email.
She is happy in her land of make-believe and has mastered the art of avoidance.
I can learn something from her in that department.
And it PISSED. ME. OFF.
I criticized her for being so petty and accused her of being threatened by our ability to provide a loving family for Cinderella. I told her she was pathetic.
I told her that we had all grown weary of her and her bipolar issues and that she would one day soon regret her actions as of late.
She didn't like what I had to say. She didn't like it one bit:
I am so tired of you it isn't even funny. You have gotten way too big for your bridges!!! I don't and won't continue to explain to you about any conversations my daughter and I have. Prince Charming and I made Cinderella you were just a thought later. You seem to think Cinderella is YOUR daughter. I owe you NO explanation PERIOD! I don't want any more emails from you. The emails are between Prince Charming and I. Mind your own business. As far as I know Prince Charming is raising Cinderella (She is OUR child!!!!) I DO NOT want to here from you again. No more harrassing me.
I read her email and felt an immediate rush of adrenaline.
I might have even recited this prayer once or twice.
I was shocked (and secretly pleased) that I had managed to elicit a response from her. I obviously struck a nerve in some way.
Her anger was all over the place, her comments erratic and nonsensical. In fact I don't understand what half of her statements were supposed to mean or how she expected me to react to them.
"You were just a thought later."
Huh? Isn't that usually how it works? People get married, people get divorced, people move on. No?
I was not surprised to see the harassment accusation thrown in at the end. A single email can hardly qualify as harassment. But she is a coward. That's just how she rolls.
I resisted the urge to correct her typos, l'est my bridges get any bigger. ;)
But I did need to make one thing very clear to her:
Anything that affects my family, especially that which also affects Cinderella's brother and sister is my business. There is much more to parenting than simple biology, and I will never stop defending or standing up for what is right for the kids.
He chose to call her, to let her know he was aware of this little exchange and that he felt as strongly about it as I did and that he did not like the way she was talking TO and talking ABOUT his wife. The mother of the home in which Cinderella lives.
He might also even have stated that I am more of a mother than she will EVER be.
There has been no further backlash. Maleficent is acting as though this never happened. No retorts. Certainly no apologies. Nothing more has been stated - verbally or in email.
She is happy in her land of make-believe and has mastered the art of avoidance.
I can learn something from her in that department.
Monday, December 1, 2008
In Which Maleficent Sinks To a New Low
It wasn't too long ago that I had extended a helping hand to Maleficent by driving Cinderella to her house. And that wasn't the first time I helped her out in that department either.
So why where we surprised when Maleficent did not take that into consideration when she recently was LATE dropping Cinderella off at the farm where we volunteer (an activity she does not let Cinderella participate in), leaving me WAITING in the car in the DARK and COLD with Hansel & Gretel and then REFUSED to bring Cindy home when I had to GO HOME TO COOK DINNER.
I called Prince Charming before I left, to let him know what was going on and that I needed to leave.
No problem, I will call Maleficent and ask her to take Cinderella home instead.
That did NOT happen.
Instead, Maleficent called him SCREAMING that HE would now have to come to HER HOUSE if he wanted Cinderella.
Then proceeded to hang up on him and turn OFF her phone.
The hostility and anger she felt from that night was offloaded on Cinderella for the entire time as the child sat waiting to see what would happen. Not knowing if she would be stuck spending the night at her Mom's or if her Dad would come to rescue her.
He did. And she was brought safely home.
It doesn't end there though.
(Does it ever?)
Maleficent's spitefulness reared it's ugly head a week later when Prince Charming asked if Cinderella could be allowed to come to Gretel's third birthday party. A party that was unavoidably taking place during Maleficent's weekend.
(In years past, we have always planned family celebrations for weekends when Cinderella was HOME, but this year we could not.)
(Not that it should matter, for during the sumer Maleficent was in the SAME situation with her parents' 50th Wedding Anniversary that was scheduled for a weekend Cinderella was home with us. Prince Charming was happy to allow Cinderella to go to that party, WITHOUT asking to make up for the time. It was a family celebration, afterall.)
Cinderella asked her Mom if she could come to her sister's party. Maleficent refused.
Prince Charming then asked and was told Maleficent had special plans for Cinderella that day which Cindy was quite excited about.
Oh yes, those must have been tears of JOY we saw on Cinderella's face.
In the end, Cinderella missed out on the only celebration we had for Gretel and seeing her family in exchange for going to a CRAFT STORE with her mother.
And here I thought she couldn't get any lower.
So why where we surprised when Maleficent did not take that into consideration when she recently was LATE dropping Cinderella off at the farm where we volunteer (an activity she does not let Cinderella participate in), leaving me WAITING in the car in the DARK and COLD with Hansel & Gretel and then REFUSED to bring Cindy home when I had to GO HOME TO COOK DINNER.
I called Prince Charming before I left, to let him know what was going on and that I needed to leave.
No problem, I will call Maleficent and ask her to take Cinderella home instead.
That did NOT happen.
Instead, Maleficent called him SCREAMING that HE would now have to come to HER HOUSE if he wanted Cinderella.
Then proceeded to hang up on him and turn OFF her phone.
The hostility and anger she felt from that night was offloaded on Cinderella for the entire time as the child sat waiting to see what would happen. Not knowing if she would be stuck spending the night at her Mom's or if her Dad would come to rescue her.
He did. And she was brought safely home.
It doesn't end there though.
(Does it ever?)
Maleficent's spitefulness reared it's ugly head a week later when Prince Charming asked if Cinderella could be allowed to come to Gretel's third birthday party. A party that was unavoidably taking place during Maleficent's weekend.
(In years past, we have always planned family celebrations for weekends when Cinderella was HOME, but this year we could not.)
(Not that it should matter, for during the sumer Maleficent was in the SAME situation with her parents' 50th Wedding Anniversary that was scheduled for a weekend Cinderella was home with us. Prince Charming was happy to allow Cinderella to go to that party, WITHOUT asking to make up for the time. It was a family celebration, afterall.)
Cinderella asked her Mom if she could come to her sister's party. Maleficent refused.
Prince Charming then asked and was told Maleficent had special plans for Cinderella that day which Cindy was quite excited about.
Oh yes, those must have been tears of JOY we saw on Cinderella's face.
In the end, Cinderella missed out on the only celebration we had for Gretel and seeing her family in exchange for going to a CRAFT STORE with her mother.
And here I thought she couldn't get any lower.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Custody & Visitation: Kids Are People Too
Why does Mommy get all of the holidays?
"Because that's what the court papers say, babe."
Three years ago, when Maleficent lost custody she had written into the visitation stipulation that she be able to spend every school holiday with Cinderella.
Every one. From 11am to 5pm.
Until this year, it never posed that much of a problem. There were a few times when my plans had to be altered to make sure I was home for her pick up/drop off, but that's the way it goes. I made the compromise to adhere to what seemed to be in Cinderella's best interests.
This year, however, things are different.
Cinderella is getting older and finding her voice. She wants to participate in the decisions surrounding her days off.
Like expressing a wish to volunteer at a local farm to come on school holidays to care for their chickens.
Twice a day. Morning and evening.
Cinderella was especially excited to be part of this. (We always fantasize of the day when we own our own home that will be big enough to have chickens and horses and sheep! Oh my!)
There was just one problem. Chickens need to be tucked in at DUSK.
Dusk comes earlier now thanks to Daylight Savings. Right at the time Cinderella comes home from visiting Maleficent.
Not wanting to exclude her from his activity, and not really thinking it would be a problem, Prince Charming contacted Maleficent. We posed a COMPROMISE of allowing Cinderella to CHOOSE to stay home SOME holidays so she didn't miss out on this.
Maleficent outright refused and accused Prince Charming of making these plans to purposely spite her out of time with their daughter.
Step in the Rational One.
Moi.
I contacted Maleficent to smooth things out a bit. Explain it was my doing and that I was unclear as to the actual wording of the court document and misunderstood that holidays were an absolute RIGHT and not an option open to compromise. (A concept that has historically proven lost on her.)
She changed her tune and seemed willing to work with me.
If you want ... can you and I keep in touch on this and then if you need me to bring Cinderella home early so she can go with you, I can do that. It's no problem.
GREAT! Right?
Wrong.
Monday morning, I realize tomorrow is Election Day. A school holiday. We need to be at the farm by 4:30. That's 30 minutes before the time Cinderella is supposed to be home.
I call Maleficent and leave her a voicemail, per our agreement. I asked her if she wanted to drop Cinderella off at home at 4pm (only an HOUR early) or just meet us at the farm at her regular drop off time of 5pm. I know from past experience that she responds better if she feels she has some control over the situation. So I gave her a CHOICE.
Still, I suspected that she would not like either.
And when I received the call from Prince Charming a few hours later I knew from his tone of voice that I was right.
If Maleficent was going to lose an hour with Cinderella because of this activity (which Cinderella WANTED TO DO) then Maleficent wanted to make up that time on another day.
In light of recent events, Cinderella does not want to spend extra time with her Mom. She is beginning to see her for who she really is. And she does not like it one bit.
Prince Charming could not consciously place his daughter into that situation.
Emails were sent. Accusations were flung at us.
Prince Charming and I spent ALL DAY Monday either in email with or talking about this woman.
Such a waste of a day and of our energy.
We put up a good fight on Cinderella's behalf. I apologized to Maleficent in an effort to smooth things over.
In the end, she chose NOT to bring Cinderella home and decided to communicate that THROUGH her daughter. Using her as the messenger to notify us that she had changed her mind from the earlier emails in which she agreed to the request for the early drop off.
We went to the farm without her.
And waited in the dark for her to be dropped off (and she was LATE, too).
Sooner or later Maleficent is going to have to realize that Cinderella is a person too.
That she is not a piece of property and has a RIGHT to CHOOSE what she does with her time. Cinderella sas a right to voice her opinion. And to be HEARD.
That's it not about what Maleficent wants.
Or about what Prince Charming or I want.
It's about Cinderella.
"Because that's what the court papers say, babe."
Three years ago, when Maleficent lost custody she had written into the visitation stipulation that she be able to spend every school holiday with Cinderella.
Every one. From 11am to 5pm.
Until this year, it never posed that much of a problem. There were a few times when my plans had to be altered to make sure I was home for her pick up/drop off, but that's the way it goes. I made the compromise to adhere to what seemed to be in Cinderella's best interests.
This year, however, things are different.
Cinderella is getting older and finding her voice. She wants to participate in the decisions surrounding her days off.
Like expressing a wish to volunteer at a local farm to come on school holidays to care for their chickens.
Twice a day. Morning and evening.
Cinderella was especially excited to be part of this. (We always fantasize of the day when we own our own home that will be big enough to have chickens and horses and sheep! Oh my!)
There was just one problem. Chickens need to be tucked in at DUSK.
Dusk comes earlier now thanks to Daylight Savings. Right at the time Cinderella comes home from visiting Maleficent.
Not wanting to exclude her from his activity, and not really thinking it would be a problem, Prince Charming contacted Maleficent. We posed a COMPROMISE of allowing Cinderella to CHOOSE to stay home SOME holidays so she didn't miss out on this.
Maleficent outright refused and accused Prince Charming of making these plans to purposely spite her out of time with their daughter.
Step in the Rational One.
Moi.
I contacted Maleficent to smooth things out a bit. Explain it was my doing and that I was unclear as to the actual wording of the court document and misunderstood that holidays were an absolute RIGHT and not an option open to compromise. (A concept that has historically proven lost on her.)
She changed her tune and seemed willing to work with me.
If you want ... can you and I keep in touch on this and then if you need me to bring Cinderella home early so she can go with you, I can do that. It's no problem.
GREAT! Right?
Wrong.
Monday morning, I realize tomorrow is Election Day. A school holiday. We need to be at the farm by 4:30. That's 30 minutes before the time Cinderella is supposed to be home.
I call Maleficent and leave her a voicemail, per our agreement. I asked her if she wanted to drop Cinderella off at home at 4pm (only an HOUR early) or just meet us at the farm at her regular drop off time of 5pm. I know from past experience that she responds better if she feels she has some control over the situation. So I gave her a CHOICE.
Still, I suspected that she would not like either.
And when I received the call from Prince Charming a few hours later I knew from his tone of voice that I was right.
If Maleficent was going to lose an hour with Cinderella because of this activity (which Cinderella WANTED TO DO) then Maleficent wanted to make up that time on another day.
In light of recent events, Cinderella does not want to spend extra time with her Mom. She is beginning to see her for who she really is. And she does not like it one bit.
Prince Charming could not consciously place his daughter into that situation.
Emails were sent. Accusations were flung at us.
Prince Charming and I spent ALL DAY Monday either in email with or talking about this woman.
Such a waste of a day and of our energy.
We put up a good fight on Cinderella's behalf. I apologized to Maleficent in an effort to smooth things over.
In the end, she chose NOT to bring Cinderella home and decided to communicate that THROUGH her daughter. Using her as the messenger to notify us that she had changed her mind from the earlier emails in which she agreed to the request for the early drop off.
We went to the farm without her.
And waited in the dark for her to be dropped off (and she was LATE, too).
Sooner or later Maleficent is going to have to realize that Cinderella is a person too.
That she is not a piece of property and has a RIGHT to CHOOSE what she does with her time. Cinderella sas a right to voice her opinion. And to be HEARD.
That's it not about what Maleficent wants.
Or about what Prince Charming or I want.
It's about Cinderella.
Monday, November 3, 2008
There's a Fine Line Between Fairytales and Nightmares...
... and thanks to Maleficent, we are being reminded of that. Again.
What's happening now?
What's happening is that Cinderella's friend narc'd on her after a DARE event at school. Concerned over the fact that C had been "scratching" herself, she sought help in the Guidance Office.
Cinderella was called in and promptly broke down into tears in front of her Guidance Counselor and Social Worker. She told them her tale of woe being a child of divorce.
There is nothing unique about her story.
Parents divorce. And oftentimes they don't handle it well, focusing on their own problems and losses (especially when mental illness plays such a major role).
Kids get caught in the middle. Blame themselves, grieve and try to keep the peace by internalizing EVERYTHING.
Sooner or later all of that stress has to come out.
It's starting to come out now in Cinderella and an observant friend took note.
She scratched her arm in frustration. It's no big deal now, but we know it could turn into something worse.
It's been three years since the Maleficent lost custody.
Three years since PrinceCharing was advised by the law guardian to violate the shit out of her when she crossed the line (which we ALL knew she would do).
And she has. Yet instead of adding fuel to her bipolar-fanned fires, we looked the other way and offered compromises.
Well, Cinderella's well-being is now compromised.
The Law Guardian has been called.
Maleficent has NOT been called. Yet.
We are trying to buy Cinderella a little bit of calm before the shit-storm. If her Mom gets tipped off, it will only spell doom for her and this kid has been through enough.
In the meantime, we're looking for a therapist for Cinderella all-the-while reassuring her that we will do our best to make things better and protect her from continued distress. (Which is a double-edged sword because she is worried that our attempts to make things better will make things worse. And that very-well may be the case.)
PrinceCharming is back to compiling details and facts, taking notes and saving EVERY email. Planning his next steps which will include filing paperwork and going back to court.
And I'm remembering to breathe through it all.
What's happening now?
What's happening is that Cinderella's friend narc'd on her after a DARE event at school. Concerned over the fact that C had been "scratching" herself, she sought help in the Guidance Office.
Cinderella was called in and promptly broke down into tears in front of her Guidance Counselor and Social Worker. She told them her tale of woe being a child of divorce.
There is nothing unique about her story.
Parents divorce. And oftentimes they don't handle it well, focusing on their own problems and losses (especially when mental illness plays such a major role).
Kids get caught in the middle. Blame themselves, grieve and try to keep the peace by internalizing EVERYTHING.
Sooner or later all of that stress has to come out.
It's starting to come out now in Cinderella and an observant friend took note.
She scratched her arm in frustration. It's no big deal now, but we know it could turn into something worse.
It's been three years since the Maleficent lost custody.
Three years since PrinceCharing was advised by the law guardian to violate the shit out of her when she crossed the line (which we ALL knew she would do).
And she has. Yet instead of adding fuel to her bipolar-fanned fires, we looked the other way and offered compromises.
Well, Cinderella's well-being is now compromised.
The Law Guardian has been called.
Maleficent has NOT been called. Yet.
We are trying to buy Cinderella a little bit of calm before the shit-storm. If her Mom gets tipped off, it will only spell doom for her and this kid has been through enough.
In the meantime, we're looking for a therapist for Cinderella all-the-while reassuring her that we will do our best to make things better and protect her from continued distress. (Which is a double-edged sword because she is worried that our attempts to make things better will make things worse. And that very-well may be the case.)
PrinceCharming is back to compiling details and facts, taking notes and saving EVERY email. Planning his next steps which will include filing paperwork and going back to court.
And I'm remembering to breathe through it all.
Friday, October 17, 2008
What Qualifies As Meaningful Conversation?
"Babe, did you call Mommy yet?"
Suddenly, her shoulders slump. Her face frowns.
She hangs her head down as shewalks shuffles over to the phone. Sulking.
The signs are everywhere.
Moments before, she asked if she could go to bed 30 minutes early and read until her bedtime.
She only does that when she is avoiding something.
Cinderella does NOT want to talk to her Mom tonight and now I was forcing her. And because she has not yet found her voice she could not refuse my suggestion.
Suddenly, her shoulders slump. Her face frowns.
She hangs her head down as she
The signs are everywhere.
Moments before, she asked if she could go to bed 30 minutes early and read until her bedtime.
She only does that when she is avoiding something.
Cinderella does NOT want to talk to her Mom tonight and now I was forcing her. And because she has not yet found her voice she could not refuse my suggestion.
Her conversation is short and characterized by one-word answers to her mother's interrogation about her play rehearsal schedule.
(This week marks the beginning of rehearsals. One of them has cut into Maleficent's visitation for that day. She was quite displeased by this and had bitched to Cinderella the night before over how she hoped all of her rehearsals don't fall on her days. She apparently can talk about nothing else at the moment.)
The custody agreement states that if Cinderella has not had a "meaningful telephone conversation" every night with the other parent, then it's up to Prince Charming or Maleficent to make sure that happens.
The custody agreement states that if Cinderella has not had a "meaningful telephone conversation" every night with the other parent, then it's up to Prince Charming or Maleficent to make sure that happens.
But... what qualifies as meaningful conversation?
I'm pretty sure it dos NOT mean instilling guilt in your child for pursuing an activity that they love.
For being so selfish as to look at it ONLY in terms of how it affects YOU and your time with said child and for making them think that it's THEIR fault that you are so miserable and unhappy.
I'm pretty sure it dos NOT mean instilling guilt in your child for pursuing an activity that they love.
For being so selfish as to look at it ONLY in terms of how it affects YOU and your time with said child and for making them think that it's THEIR fault that you are so miserable and unhappy.
I'll be damned if I'm going to forcibly place Cinderella in that kind of phone call.
She is twelve years old. If she wants to call her mother, she can choose to do so.
If not. Then Maleficent can suckit.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Here We Go Again
I don't know where to begin.
It's been five months in the making.
Five months since we found out Cinderella has three...THREE!!!!!... cavities.
Five months since we ponied up $400 for the dentist appointment that told us she had THREE cavities.
Five months since being told, AFTER we bent over and let the dentist stick it to us for $400, that Maleficent WOULD NOT BE PAYING her half of that bill.
Oh I'm sick and not working and can't afford it.
(Gee, ya think she would have mentioned that for the MONTHS leading up to that appointment?)
For five months Maleficent has been crying poverty, and unilaterally saying that she won't be able to pay her COURT ORDERED share of Cinderella's dental bill.
And yet for the same five months she has come up with a magical solution where she CAN pay another dentist to have said cavities filled.
She CAN work out a payment plan to pay this dentist.
Her dentist. Cinderella's OLD dentist.
But she CAN'T figure out a payment plan for PrinceCharming.
(Which could have worked out to $50 a month and would be payed off BY NOW.)
And she WON'T accept our saying that we CAN'T afford to absorb her half of the prior bill and that we were counting on that so that we CAN move forward and have Cinderella's cavities filled.
Instead she spent this time instilling fear into Cinderella with constant talks of how she will need root canal if her cavities are not filled and so she needs to tell her Dad and I that her TEETH HURT even though they don't but DO IT SO THEY CAN MAKE AN APPOINTMENT FOR YOU!!!!!!
The child was in tears as she confessed her Mom's covert op to us.
(We're so proud of her, BTW, for choosing NOT to lie to us about her teeth hurting just because her Mom told her to.)
So... now... we are back to one-sided communication.
Her refusing to answer or return calls.
Feigning illness as an excuse to return to email only communication.
Yet she is well enough to leave a threatening voice mail on Prince Charming's voice mail.
And now... tonight... an email threatening to violate him in court if a dentist appointment is not made by this Wednesday.
Shit-stirring bitch. She's at it again.
I am not sure I have the strength to another round.
It's been five months in the making.
Five months since we found out Cinderella has three...THREE!!!!!... cavities.
Five months since we ponied up $400 for the dentist appointment that told us she had THREE cavities.
Five months since being told, AFTER we bent over and let the dentist stick it to us for $400, that Maleficent WOULD NOT BE PAYING her half of that bill.
Oh I'm sick and not working and can't afford it.
(Gee, ya think she would have mentioned that for the MONTHS leading up to that appointment?)
For five months Maleficent has been crying poverty, and unilaterally saying that she won't be able to pay her COURT ORDERED share of Cinderella's dental bill.
And yet for the same five months she has come up with a magical solution where she CAN pay another dentist to have said cavities filled.
She CAN work out a payment plan to pay this dentist.
Her dentist. Cinderella's OLD dentist.
But she CAN'T figure out a payment plan for PrinceCharming.
(Which could have worked out to $50 a month and would be payed off BY NOW.)
And she WON'T accept our saying that we CAN'T afford to absorb her half of the prior bill and that we were counting on that so that we CAN move forward and have Cinderella's cavities filled.
Instead she spent this time instilling fear into Cinderella with constant talks of how she will need root canal if her cavities are not filled and so she needs to tell her Dad and I that her TEETH HURT even though they don't but DO IT SO THEY CAN MAKE AN APPOINTMENT FOR YOU!!!!!!
The child was in tears as she confessed her Mom's covert op to us.
(We're so proud of her, BTW, for choosing NOT to lie to us about her teeth hurting just because her Mom told her to.)
So... now... we are back to one-sided communication.
Her refusing to answer or return calls.
Feigning illness as an excuse to return to email only communication.
Yet she is well enough to leave a threatening voice mail on Prince Charming's voice mail.
And now... tonight... an email threatening to violate him in court if a dentist appointment is not made by this Wednesday.
Shit-stirring bitch. She's at it again.
I am not sure I have the strength to another round.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Validation
I appreciate you stepping up to the plate and getting things done for Cinderella, especially since I can't.
She can't because she's not allowed since losing custody and all parental rights.
And she can't because her current medical condition prohibits her from being as active as she once was.
I take it with a grain of salt, but recognize and appreciate the effort it must have taken Maleficent to thank me.
She can't because she's not allowed since losing custody and all parental rights.
And she can't because her current medical condition prohibits her from being as active as she once was.
I take it with a grain of salt, but recognize and appreciate the effort it must have taken Maleficent to thank me.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
When BioMom Asks You To Lie (The Resolution)
Lucky for us, this situation (which took place three weeks ago) resolved itself within 24 hours.
After her Friday night phone call with Cinderella, Prince Charming spoke with Maleficent and convinced her it was better to tell their daughter about the surgery because what upsets her more than anything is KNOWING when he is not being told the whole truth.
The next day was Saturday. The day of Cinderella's school play.
She had two performances that day. Prince Charming wanted to bring Cinderella to see Maleficent during the break in between performances. Cinderella needed to see her Mom to know that she *really* was ok. Maleficent agreed.
Cinderella made her Mom a get well card Friday night and asked her Dad and I to sign it. We did.
Prince Charming picked up a bouquet of flowers for Cinderella to give to her Mom.
Their visit that Saturday was brief but gave Cinderella the chance to see that her Mom would be ok and gave Maleficent the chance to tell Cinderella the truth.
Cinderella handled it well and wound up spending the night with her Mom after her final performance that Saturday night.
We were relieved. More importantly so was Cinderella.
After her Friday night phone call with Cinderella, Prince Charming spoke with Maleficent and convinced her it was better to tell their daughter about the surgery because what upsets her more than anything is KNOWING when he is not being told the whole truth.
The next day was Saturday. The day of Cinderella's school play.
She had two performances that day. Prince Charming wanted to bring Cinderella to see Maleficent during the break in between performances. Cinderella needed to see her Mom to know that she *really* was ok. Maleficent agreed.
Cinderella made her Mom a get well card Friday night and asked her Dad and I to sign it. We did.
Prince Charming picked up a bouquet of flowers for Cinderella to give to her Mom.
Their visit that Saturday was brief but gave Cinderella the chance to see that her Mom would be ok and gave Maleficent the chance to tell Cinderella the truth.
Cinderella handled it well and wound up spending the night with her Mom after her final performance that Saturday night.
We were relieved. More importantly so was Cinderella.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
When BioMom Asks You To Lie (Part II)
Since we could not get a hold of Maleficent and speak with her directly (Prince Charming did reach her faithful companion, Diablo, who told him it was a ruptured ovarian cyst that required surgery and Maleficent was currently in the recovery room) I told Cinderella that her Mom wasn't coming due to a combination of the icy roads and her not feeling well.
Cinderella was crushed.
Instantly she began to stress...
Will she come and get me tomorrow? Who is taking me to my play tomorrow? Will Mommy be there for the performances?
I did my best to play it down as no big deal, and even joked with her about stressing too much, and that she can ask all of this when her Mom calls later on.
Maleficent did call that evening and told Cinderella she was, in fact in the hospital.
*whew!*
THANK GAWD!
We now understood that Maleficent wanted to be the one to tell her.
Prince Charming and I were relieved and proud of Maleficent for having faith that Cinderella could handle the news.
***
Later on, I tried talking with Cinderella about the situation. I wanted to make sure she understood what had happened and wanted to reassure her in case she had any questions.
I was sure she must be a little worried and scared over the thought of her Mom having surgery.
I also thought she might be confused over the procedure.
Oh, no. I understand what happened to Mommy. She had a cyst on her hip, like the one she gets on her wrist and her doctor sent her to the hospital for testing. It's not like she had surgery or anything.
Umm... WHAT?!
I thought SURELY she misunderstood what her Mom had told her. But then I quickly realized that Maleficent had LIED to Cinderella. I caught myself just before I corrected her.
So we were back to square one. Having to keep a new lie.
I said nothing. I simply smiled and walked away.
Maleficent was to be in the hospital for the remainder of the weekend. She would not be able to take Cinderella for the weekend OR see the play.
How were we going to explain THAT?
Cinderella was crushed.
Instantly she began to stress...
Will she come and get me tomorrow? Who is taking me to my play tomorrow? Will Mommy be there for the performances?
I did my best to play it down as no big deal, and even joked with her about stressing too much, and that she can ask all of this when her Mom calls later on.
Maleficent did call that evening and told Cinderella she was, in fact in the hospital.
*whew!*
THANK GAWD!
We now understood that Maleficent wanted to be the one to tell her.
Prince Charming and I were relieved and proud of Maleficent for having faith that Cinderella could handle the news.
***
Later on, I tried talking with Cinderella about the situation. I wanted to make sure she understood what had happened and wanted to reassure her in case she had any questions.
I was sure she must be a little worried and scared over the thought of her Mom having surgery.
I also thought she might be confused over the procedure.
Oh, no. I understand what happened to Mommy. She had a cyst on her hip, like the one she gets on her wrist and her doctor sent her to the hospital for testing. It's not like she had surgery or anything.
Umm... WHAT?!
I thought SURELY she misunderstood what her Mom had told her. But then I quickly realized that Maleficent had LIED to Cinderella. I caught myself just before I corrected her.
So we were back to square one. Having to keep a new lie.
I said nothing. I simply smiled and walked away.
Maleficent was to be in the hospital for the remainder of the weekend. She would not be able to take Cinderella for the weekend OR see the play.
How were we going to explain THAT?
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
When BioMom Asks You To Lie
It's Friday.
Opening night for Cinderella's play.
It's Maleficent's visitation weekend, so she is to be here at 5pm to pick up Cinderella and bring her to the school early for hair and make-up.
6am: We get the call informing us that school's been closed on account of freezing rain.
7am: I get the email telling me the play has also been canceled.
A flurry of emails ensue throughout the day from her Drama teacher updating the parents on how this impacts the remaining performances.
Maleficent is not on the distribution list so I forward each one to ensure she is equally informed, especially since the responsibility of picking up and dropping off in between performances falls on her.
Around lunchtime Cinderella calls her Mom to confirm she knows the play has been canceled and that she is still coming at 5pm for their regular visitation.
Maleficent does not pick up. Cinderella leaves messages on her cell and home numbers and continues to stress throughout the day because that's what she does. She needs constant reassurance for even the most routine of events.
3pm: Maleficent leaves a cryptic message on our voicemail:
She is audibly distressed. She's been crying.
She has no idea school's been cancelled. No idea the play is not happening tonight.
I start to worry. I know she has been having medical problems for the past year, but the details are fuzzy. Maleficent hasn't exactly been very forthcoming, so most of what we "know" comes from Cinderella's offhand comments and show of concern for her Mom.
How the hell am I going to explain to her that her Mom is not coming without being bombarded with a flurry of questions about the rest of the weekend? This is her visitation weekend with her Mom. Will she see her at all?
Cinderella is naturally inquisitive and obsesses over her pick ups and drop offs. She is not going to accept this.
I can't accept it either. She is eleven years old. Old enough to know the truth. She deserves it.
(Never mind that in my head I am imagining the worst case scenario and wondering if we could live with ourselves should something terrible happen and Cinderella not be given the chance to see her Mom in the hospital.)
It takes me an hour to get a hold of Prince Charming to find out if he knows any more so we can decide what and how to tell Cinderella.
The message from Maleficent on his voice mail mentions that she may need surgery.
SURGERY!!!!!!
And, again, she asked that we NOT to tell Cinderella.
It's now one hour before Maleficent is supposed to be here.
The Prince and I go back and forth on what to do.
Do we tell her?
Or do we honor her mother's request?
***
What would YOU do?
Opening night for Cinderella's play.
It's Maleficent's visitation weekend, so she is to be here at 5pm to pick up Cinderella and bring her to the school early for hair and make-up.
6am: We get the call informing us that school's been closed on account of freezing rain.
7am: I get the email telling me the play has also been canceled.
A flurry of emails ensue throughout the day from her Drama teacher updating the parents on how this impacts the remaining performances.
Maleficent is not on the distribution list so I forward each one to ensure she is equally informed, especially since the responsibility of picking up and dropping off in between performances falls on her.
Around lunchtime Cinderella calls her Mom to confirm she knows the play has been canceled and that she is still coming at 5pm for their regular visitation.
Maleficent does not pick up. Cinderella leaves messages on her cell and home numbers and continues to stress throughout the day because that's what she does. She needs constant reassurance for even the most routine of events.
3pm: Maleficent leaves a cryptic message on our voicemail:
I won't be able to take Cinderella to her play tonight. I'm in the hospital. But don't tell her that. Just tell her I'm not feeling well and that I love her.
She is audibly distressed. She's been crying.
She has no idea school's been cancelled. No idea the play is not happening tonight.
I start to worry. I know she has been having medical problems for the past year, but the details are fuzzy. Maleficent hasn't exactly been very forthcoming, so most of what we "know" comes from Cinderella's offhand comments and show of concern for her Mom.
How the hell am I going to explain to her that her Mom is not coming without being bombarded with a flurry of questions about the rest of the weekend? This is her visitation weekend with her Mom. Will she see her at all?
Cinderella is naturally inquisitive and obsesses over her pick ups and drop offs. She is not going to accept this.
I can't accept it either. She is eleven years old. Old enough to know the truth. She deserves it.
(Never mind that in my head I am imagining the worst case scenario and wondering if we could live with ourselves should something terrible happen and Cinderella not be given the chance to see her Mom in the hospital.)
It takes me an hour to get a hold of Prince Charming to find out if he knows any more so we can decide what and how to tell Cinderella.
The message from Maleficent on his voice mail mentions that she may need surgery.
SURGERY!!!!!!
And, again, she asked that we NOT to tell Cinderella.
It's now one hour before Maleficent is supposed to be here.
The Prince and I go back and forth on what to do.
Do we tell her?
Or do we honor her mother's request?
***
What would YOU do?
Monday, November 26, 2007
Custody & Visitation: Act A Fool
For the moment, it was unexplainable.
A complete 360 degree change, much like the characteristic ebb of flow of behavior described by the DSMIII-R.
Suddenly, without warning Maleficent was being communicative.
Contrite.
(Apologizing for returning Cinderella late.)
Agreeable.
(Promising to bring her home on time.)
Generous.
(Offering to give up her visitation day so that Cinderella could spend time with Gretel on her birthday.)
(No we didn't ask & Cinderella didn't express any interest. So we planned a party on the weekend when Cinderella would be home.)
Prince Charming was stunned... and dare I say a showed a bit of hope.
Maybe our last email [in which court was threatened] finally got through to her.
He's been fooled by her before.
Fooled into thinking one day ... this day ... she will change and realize the error of her ways.
As is also characterized by her affliction, Maleficent is impulsive and too quickly reveals her motives for being so congenial.
She wants something.
(It's always about her wanting something. )
And that something is extra time with Cinderella.
Time that would result in her having her for three weekends in a row... right up until Christmas.
Time that would eliminate any chance for us to plan any family activity that would include all five of us.
Time that she claims is a "special family event" and one that Cinderella so desperately wants to attend.
(Cinderella hadn't once mentioned it.)
Maleficent is pushing. Playing the guilt card. Trying to make it seem as though it's about Cinderella. And not her.
Maleficent then has her father, Cinderella's grandfather, send a letter to our home asking Prince Charming for permission. "Hope you and your family have a wonderful Thanksgiving," is his closing.
She finally prompts Cinderella to ask and "play dumb" by pretending she doesn't know what weekend said event falls upon, and then lie about her mother putting her up to asking Prince Charming.
Cinderella misses out on so much already because of family schedules that don't coincide with her visitation with her Mom.
She should not continue to be put in the middle, acting as her mother's messenger and being forced to lie to her father.
Prince Charming has called Maleficent to discuss this request, as well as several other issues of concern (i.e., her declining health that she has referenced as reason for why C is returned late.)
She of course does not answer his calls.
She continues to refuse to acknowledge him, except in email.
Criticizing HIM for not responding TO HER.
As I re-read this I grow even more weary of the entire situation which explains my silence as of late.
I can't help but wonder, aren't you tired of hearing about our petty plight?
I know I'm tired of writing about it.
(And even more tired of LIVING it.)
I'm sure to any reader, the answer seems so simple - let Cinderella go if it means so much and simply suggest a switching of weekends.
But the reality is, it's not that simple.
It never is.
Because the reality is that if Prince Charming reaches for that dangling carrot of hope and gives in to Maleficent's request, he will once again be made a fool.
A complete 360 degree change, much like the characteristic ebb of flow of behavior described by the DSMIII-R.
Suddenly, without warning Maleficent was being communicative.
Contrite.
(Apologizing for returning Cinderella late.)
Agreeable.
(Promising to bring her home on time.)
Generous.
(Offering to give up her visitation day so that Cinderella could spend time with Gretel on her birthday.)
(No we didn't ask & Cinderella didn't express any interest. So we planned a party on the weekend when Cinderella would be home.)
Prince Charming was stunned... and dare I say a showed a bit of hope.
Maybe our last email [in which court was threatened] finally got through to her.
He's been fooled by her before.
Fooled into thinking one day ... this day ... she will change and realize the error of her ways.
As is also characterized by her affliction, Maleficent is impulsive and too quickly reveals her motives for being so congenial.
She wants something.
(It's always about her wanting something. )
And that something is extra time with Cinderella.
Time that would result in her having her for three weekends in a row... right up until Christmas.
Time that would eliminate any chance for us to plan any family activity that would include all five of us.
Time that she claims is a "special family event" and one that Cinderella so desperately wants to attend.
(Cinderella hadn't once mentioned it.)
Maleficent is pushing. Playing the guilt card. Trying to make it seem as though it's about Cinderella. And not her.
Maleficent then has her father, Cinderella's grandfather, send a letter to our home asking Prince Charming for permission. "Hope you and your family have a wonderful Thanksgiving," is his closing.
She finally prompts Cinderella to ask and "play dumb" by pretending she doesn't know what weekend said event falls upon, and then lie about her mother putting her up to asking Prince Charming.
Cinderella misses out on so much already because of family schedules that don't coincide with her visitation with her Mom.
She should not continue to be put in the middle, acting as her mother's messenger and being forced to lie to her father.
Prince Charming has called Maleficent to discuss this request, as well as several other issues of concern (i.e., her declining health that she has referenced as reason for why C is returned late.)
She of course does not answer his calls.
She continues to refuse to acknowledge him, except in email.
Criticizing HIM for not responding TO HER.
As I re-read this I grow even more weary of the entire situation which explains my silence as of late.
I can't help but wonder, aren't you tired of hearing about our petty plight?
I know I'm tired of writing about it.
(And even more tired of LIVING it.)
I'm sure to any reader, the answer seems so simple - let Cinderella go if it means so much and simply suggest a switching of weekends.
But the reality is, it's not that simple.
It never is.
Because the reality is that if Prince Charming reaches for that dangling carrot of hope and gives in to Maleficent's request, he will once again be made a fool.
Friday, October 5, 2007
A Dream Is a Wish Your Heart Makes
Hi, it's Maleficent, can I speak with Cinderella?
"Awww... I'm sorry but she's in giving her brother a bath. Shall I have her call you back at home, on the cell or somewhere *else*?"
Somewhere else? Like where?
"Oh, I dunno - HELL!! - perhaps?!?"
***
(The preceding conversation is not real but rather a vibrant glorious fantastical figment of my imagination.)
Yep, we're back where we started.
He's taking her back to court.
Friday, September 7, 2007
The Age of Responsibility
The following email from Maleficent appeared in Prince Charming's in-box last night. It has not been edited in any way, other than to change names to maintain anonymity. It's worth noting that Maleficent is an early childhood educator.
1) Foul play? Hmm... those landscapers are a tricky bunch, for sure!
2) It's spelled M-O-L-E-S-T-E-R. And it's called S-P-E-L-L-C-H-E-C-K. Just look for the little button with "ABC" and/or a "check mark" on it. (I won't even go near the punctuation/capitalization/grammatical errors.)
3) Cinderella is ELEVEN and perfectly capable of waiting IN her home for 15 minutes before her bus picks her up IN FRONT of the house.
4) If this woman spent 1/2 as much time focusing on working with us and not against us, as she has focusing on the details of the HOWs and WHYs of Hansel's transportation, we'd be in much better shape. (I sent her an email to this effect. She replied. Not to me but to Prince Charming, Hey, it's a start.)
***
Now, with all that being said, I remember having way more responsibilities at a younger age than Cinderella. Walking to/from school at SEVEN. Being home alone for several hours. Running to the corner deli to buy milk, bread (and cigarettes).
15 minutes here and there seems like nothing. Or is it?
We struggle with how much is too much responsibility for Cinderella. She eleven, but still very young in so many ways. But she has to grow up some time. And she will never grow up if she continues to be babied and coddled.
The pedophile 5 houses up the road is a constant concern. Cinderella and Hansel have been told about him, know what he looks like (Santa! Of course, he'd have to look like Santa.), where he lives, what kind of car he drives and what to do if he ever comes within 2 feet of our home. I hate that we have to worry about him, but it's better to KNOW than to NOT KNOW.
Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer, right?
We do not like leaving Cinderella alone. At all. Some mornings, it will be unavoidable. Some mornings. Not EVERY morning. Hansel's school starts at 8:25am. Cinderella's bus picks her up at 8:30. (I could drive her as well but she likes taking the bus; enjoys the time with her friends and playing the role of a middle schooler.)
I'm trying not to dismiss Maleficent concerns simply because they are coming from her. I'm trying to remain objective.
We're doing the right thing, aren't we?
I am writing to you out of concern for our daughter. In innocence Cinderella expressed the fact that every other day she will be left to her own means to get on the bus and that you and WS will not be there to put her on the bus (Because WS is driving Hansel to school because she doesn't want him to go on the bus due to the children not wearing their seat belts) Whatever the reason I am extremely uncomfortable with the fact that she is left to her own devices to defend herself if there was any foul play. She told me she was outside the other day when the landscapers (lawn cutters were working on the grass). I am aware, as you are, that there is a child malester who lives right up your road and I am sure you know that there patterns are to scope out a situation and if no one is there he will figure it out.
I remember you were doing a program for the school districts about the local child malesters so I Am sure that you would be more concerned in the one who lives right down the road from our daughter.
Let me know that you have Cinderella covered for the mornings as soon as possible.
Thank you.
MALEFICENT (yes she always signs her name in ALL CAPS, anyone know handwriting analysis?)
1) Foul play? Hmm... those landscapers are a tricky bunch, for sure!
2) It's spelled M-O-L-E-S-T-E-R. And it's called S-P-E-L-L-C-H-E-C-K. Just look for the little button with "ABC" and/or a "check mark" on it. (I won't even go near the punctuation/capitalization/grammatical errors.)
3) Cinderella is ELEVEN and perfectly capable of waiting IN her home for 15 minutes before her bus picks her up IN FRONT of the house.
4) If this woman spent 1/2 as much time focusing on working with us and not against us, as she has focusing on the details of the HOWs and WHYs of Hansel's transportation, we'd be in much better shape. (I sent her an email to this effect. She replied. Not to me but to Prince Charming, Hey, it's a start.)
***
Now, with all that being said, I remember having way more responsibilities at a younger age than Cinderella. Walking to/from school at SEVEN. Being home alone for several hours. Running to the corner deli to buy milk, bread (and cigarettes).
15 minutes here and there seems like nothing. Or is it?
We struggle with how much is too much responsibility for Cinderella. She eleven, but still very young in so many ways. But she has to grow up some time. And she will never grow up if she continues to be babied and coddled.
The pedophile 5 houses up the road is a constant concern. Cinderella and Hansel have been told about him, know what he looks like (Santa! Of course, he'd have to look like Santa.), where he lives, what kind of car he drives and what to do if he ever comes within 2 feet of our home. I hate that we have to worry about him, but it's better to KNOW than to NOT KNOW.
Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer, right?
We do not like leaving Cinderella alone. At all. Some mornings, it will be unavoidable. Some mornings. Not EVERY morning. Hansel's school starts at 8:25am. Cinderella's bus picks her up at 8:30. (I could drive her as well but she likes taking the bus; enjoys the time with her friends and playing the role of a middle schooler.)
I'm trying not to dismiss Maleficent concerns simply because they are coming from her. I'm trying to remain objective.
We're doing the right thing, aren't we?
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