Just Breathe

"Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to..."

Breaking the fourth wall of this fairytale story has become a double-edged sword lately.
This blog and Twitter have been my forum for seven years.
Both started as a place of anonymity where I could escape my reality and write, vent, wax philosophical or mindlessly ramble without feeling the need to censor myself out of fear of someone I know reading it and potentially getting offended.
Writing for me, is therapeutic. And I'll be the first to admit I've needed LOTS of therapy.
Over the years, however, I've let down my guard. Let some people in on my seekrit life as a blogger and tweeter. I allowed real life to cross over into my virtual life.
And with that has come the challenge of sometimes knowing WHO is reading, and sometimes holding back on what I want or need to say just to avoid dealing with the backlash.
And that... sucks.
Part of the healing path I have been on this past year is letting go of my need to control everything and everyone, speaking up for myself and focusing on the things which I CAN control.
I can't stop people from reading my blog. Or my tweets.
I can choose to stop writing - but that would just hurt me.
I can choose to go private and limit who is allowed to see what I have to say - but that would hurt those who look to my blog for some comfort or sense of stability or realism or whatever other reason those of you who keep coming back, come back.
Remaining public is a blessing (albeit sometimes a mixed blessing).  I benefit from the many different opinions and kinds of feedback that gets posted.  Be it positive or otherwise,  I always try to learn something from each and every comment listed.
So, I'm going to keep practicing walking the walk and talking the talk.
I'm not going to worry about who is reading, or censor what I have to say out of fear of threats to post a comment in response, or getting pissy texts and phone calls or emails criticizing what I had to say.
This blog is my personal account of the events in MY life. My emotional responses to them, rational or not. My opinions - biased or otherwise.
Take my words however you wish. Interpret them (or misinterpret) however you like.
Learn from them - or don't. It's your choice.
Just like I can't control if someone chooses to read my blog, no one can control what I write.
And if you don't like what you see, you don't have to keep reading.
As for me, I'll keep writing. No matter what.

October, In Reader's Digest Form

*blowing off the layer of dust that has accumulated on my blog*

*cough* *cough*

So, where did I leave off?

Oh, my ankle. It healed up well. Thanks for asking. After two days I was good as new.

Halloween was fantastic. Craftiness ran rampant.





(More pics on Flickr. Ya hafta be a contact to see the kids in costume otherwise you'll have to settle for anonymous random photos.)

I hosted a toddler costume party on Tuesday (8 toddlers and their Moms. I KNOW!), took Gretel to storytime/haunted house event at our local library on Wed and went trick-or-treating with the Pumpkin War neighbors. Cinderella ditched us in favor of going out with her friends. *sigh* We've lost her. ;)

The kids made out like bandits. BUT... I had to throw away ALL of the candy yesterday after eating a suspicious tasting Reese's Peanut Butter Cup! (Tasted like COUGH MEDICINE. WTF?!?!?!?)


And since we pool all the candy into one bucket, there was no way to know where it came from, if it was malicious or not. Raising kids today is scary. And that pisses me off. I had to promise Hansel that we would replace the candy with something safer. He was so sad. And *that* pissed me off more.

Hansel's had three headaches this month. Stayed home from school twice. We're contemplating taking him to a neurologist to rule out anything major and to confirm our suspicions that he's developing migraines.

Prince Charming and I celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary last weekend. Dinner and a movie. No kids. YAY!

Maleficent is up to her antics again (still) and is violating the terms of her visitation every chance she gets. Cinderella's law guardian, the appointed mediator for when such problems occur, has been MIA and very lax in her duties leaving PrinceCharming between a rock and a hard place. Court seems inevitable, but no progress has been made in that department. Where does that leave us? Helpless. Paralyzed. Forced to accept things on Maleficent's terms, waiting at the door for when she decides to come and get Cinderella (she is late every time) and never knowing when she will bring her home (again, late every time). I'm trying not to let it dominate my days, but it's so hard.

And remember when I posted about this? Yeah, well I'm beginning to think it may be more.

A Dream Is a Wish Your Heart Makes

Hi, it's Maleficent, can I speak with Cinderella?

"Awww... I'm sorry but she's in giving her brother a bath. Shall I have her call you back at home, on the cell or somewhere *else*?"

Somewhere else? Like where?

"Oh, I dunno - HELL!! - perhaps?!?"

***
(The preceding conversation is not real but rather a vibrant glorious fantastical figment of my imagination.)

Yep, we're back where we started.
He's taking her back to court.

Whoops I Did it Again!

Volunteered, that is.
This time, NO ONE WAS ASKING!!
I suckered MYSELF into baking for next week's Halloween Costume/Bake Sale at Hansel's school.
Two days. Two sales.
But instead of offering to make only *two* items, I am ponying up SIX.
THREE for EACH day.
"Oh, it won't be a problem! My recipe makes three and I'm soooo used to doubling it for the holidays it won't make a bit of a difference."
(Can you say OVER-ACHIEVER?)
And I offered to bring something to Monday's PTA meeting. The first one - of hundreds, I fear - I will attend.
(Can you say SUCK UP?)
And I offered to bake at the Fall Festival in October.
(Can you say moron?)

(Yeah, I thought so.)

Web Masters, Back to School and Wal*Mart

Dear Middle School Web "Master":

It is customary, among internet developers to always check a hyperlink AFTER it has been posted to a LIVE web site. The process of checking a link helps one to verify if the link is actually WORKING.

It's quite simple really. It involves merely CLICKING on the live link and CONFIRMING that it actually takes you to the intended destination. Someone on your staff, and I'm not saying it's you because ... really ... how could it be what with you being a web MASTER and all -- however someone in your office did NOT check the "School Supplies" link after updating your web site. So instead of taking one to a list of school supplies (you know, pencils, binders, notebooks and the like) the aforementioned link takes one to a listing of all the notices that have been MAILED HOME in the past week.

We did receive all of these notices, so thanks for checking that one over with me. Isn't it ironic (dontcha think?) that the ONE thing you folks have NOT mailed home is the ONE thing that is NOT on your web site? Yeah, I thought so too.

Oh! The nice lady at the Middle School's Guidance Office ('Cuz where else would one go if they needed help?) showed me that the supply list was, in fact, on the interweb thingy of which you are Master but it was on the school district's web site. So funny! It was there the WHOLE time and I was looking in the WRONG place. Instead of on the SCHOOL'S web site (which, BTW, is where I found the list for my Kindergartener), I should have been looking on the DISTRICT'S web site. Ain't that a kick in the head?!?!?

But really, I wanted to thank you. Thank you for getting me out of the house and visiting your school (it really is lovely). And thank you for making me drag a 5 year old and a toddler to Wal*Mart and it's spacious aisles and neat, well-organized shelves the week before school starts.

It was a BLAST. Really.

Signed,
WS

Build Me A Woman

I need a wife.
I'm a reluctant SAHM/domestic goddess.
I got the Mom part down ... mostly.
(Ok. Yeah there was that one time when PC got a last minute invite to a fancy-pants-black-tie-celebrity-red-carpet-paparazzi-gala and I spent the entire day running around trying to make it so I could also attend. Dress? Went shopping in a friends' closet and found the perfect black cocktail dress. WooHoo! Shoes? Got em! Hair & Makeup? Perfect up-do and smokey eyes compliments of teh interweb. Accessories? Another friend. Winna! I am hooked up baby! NYC here I come! Then.... hold up.
What?
Kids? What kids? CRAP!! We have kids! KIDS WHO NEED SOMEONE TO WATCH THEM!!!!!! OMMYGOD WHO IS AROUND AT 2PM TO WATCH OUR KIDS?!?!?!
Fantasy Over. Real Life steps in.
Dress: returned. Shoes: re-shelved. PC went. I stayed home. Boo. Hoo.)
Yeah, so I kinda got the Mom thing down. I did remember them, eventually.
But the domestic goddess stuff? Not so much.
Cooking? Sure. I can handle that.
As long as the victims are willing. Cinderella's been turned, but we're still working on Hansel who won't eat anything but melted cheese sandwiches, pasta or chicken nuggets.
Oh yeah, and ketchup. On any of the above.
Or by itself.
Baking? Yeah. I got it covered.
Laundry. Tolerable.
Now that I've adopted a new method whereby hampers have been BANISHED! and dirty clothes get placed in a laundry bag every night. The theory being that said laundry would then be thrown into the washer and drier that night and folded the next day.
What? I said it was a t-h-e-o-r-y.
(Geez... you and your semantics. First with the parenting and now with the clothes!)
But Cleaning? Nope. Not my forte.
I hate it.
HATE.
IT.
I'd rather give up my beloved grocery home-delivery and actually go TO the grocery store with BOTH Hansel (now 5) & Gretel (20 mos) than to clean my house.
Fuck. Today I even bought one of those automatic litter boxes just so I could not have to scoop cat crap.
My idea of cleaning the bathroom includes a monthly spray down of the mold with bleach, close the door and walk away.
Beds? Why make them when we are just going to sleep in them again tonight. Besides our bedroom door is closed to keep the cats out so I don't have to actually see our unmade bed until night time when I am too tired to give a shit and actually appreciate the added convenience of not having to fold down the sheets just to get in.
Cinderella and Hansel's room is upstairs, and is the only room upstairs so I don't have to go up there. Beds? There are beds up there?
See what I mean?
Out of sight. Out of mind.
It's an all-around win-win.
Dusting? Nah. Too many toys around to cover it up. What dust?
However...
My horoscope for today read:
Capricorn: There's just one primary thing to keep in mind today -- work hard to have fun!
Really?
Crap.
Never one to argue with the stars, off into domestic goddess Hell I go.
Crap.