Wednesday, April 30, 2008

WARNING: Dangerous Curves Ahead

There I was. 
Standing before him. 
He was talking to me. Asking me questions. Reassuring me with his own responses.
But all I could do was think, "Holy shit. I am standing in front of this man with no shirt on and the girls dangling hanging out there. And he is looking at me" 
I'm topless. And he is talking to ME and not my BOOBS.
Well of course he is, he sees them every day. It's no big deal to *him*. 
It's only a big deal to you.
(And trust me, my boobs are no BIG deal which is WHY I am there in the first place.)

Before having children my figure resembled that of a prepubescent boy.
(Well... a prepubescent boy with a bit of boo-TAY.)
Calista Flockhart? Debra Messing?
Those chicks are fecking Dolly Parton compared to me.
Hello Great American Flatlands... meet your East Coast rival. My chest.
After two pregnancies and two years (cumulative) breast feeding I now have as my Stepdad affectionately called "woman curves."
South of the Border, that is.
Hellllooooooo pear-shape!
So here I was talking to a plastic surgeon about breast augmentation.
Looking for a bit of balance to my curves.
"I don't want to look like Pamela Anderson. Or like I make my living getting up close and personal with a stainless steel pole." 
(No offense, Josie.)
An hour and a half later we left our consultation after sufficiently grilling our HIGHLY qualified surgeon with our well-researched questions.
And here I am a month later with a surgery date scheduled for early June.
I have not yet decided how much of this journey will be documented here.
Not sure how many of you will care or if I want to go into that much detail about my boobies.
(Whatever I decide there will be NO before or after pictures. Pervs.)
But what I will say is that I am excited, relieved and anxious all at the same time.
I feel empowered for taking control of something that I have been talking about for twenty years. Just one of many things that I had always wanted to do *for myself* but never gave myself permission to do.
Then I saw this quote on the blog of one of my favorite social media gurus & Twitter friends, Jeff Pulver.
I didn't want to let another twenty years go by and regret not doing it.
No Regrets. That's my new philosophy.


ALF said...

Found your site from dooce's - just wanted to say hi!

Ann said...

I have no clue how to best tell your kids about this. I know that Josie had kids about the same age as yours when she got her *twins*.

My words to you as a friend is that I am so proud of you for doing this. I spent most of my adult life doing for others, putting my needs last. I woke up at 50 and decided it was time for me..which caused more than a few ripples on the pond...

Hugs to sure to send me a twins announcement.


Anonymous said...

I got a "little improvement" for myself about 10 years and don't regret a moment. Go for it. My oldest son was 4 at the time and, after all the healing was done, he came to ask me something while I was in the tub and he noticed my new breasts and asked, "Oh! Did you get those at the store? They look new." and then went on with his original question. Gotta love him!

Maternal Mirth said...

I had my augmentation in 2005 and ... in a word - YES! I love my body! My honey loves my body!

As for talking to kids, my oldest was 8 years old and he was pretty receptive, he just said he didn't want me to end up looking "icky".

And I don't. Most people are shocked when they find out, 'they' aren't 100% real.

My favorite website was

... very helpful!

"And Now You're Mrs. Him" said...

Congrats on taking care of yourself. If the doc wants he can take some of mine and give them to you (I'll give you a discount price!)

Cheers to your new twin girls!

dana wyzard said...


Call me curious...

Wicked Stepmom said...

ALF - Hi, and welcome to my once-upon-a-time in-progress! :)

Ann - I <3 you.

MM - implantinfo has received many MANY visits from me over the past four years! I agree, that site is a wealth of information.

Anon - Sounds like something young Hansel would say to me. LOL

Mrs. Him - My gf and I have been joking about me getting her left-overs for 15+ yrs. She is getting a reduction by the same doc.

Dana - I hear ya, but my DAD reads this blog too! I just.... can't. ;)

Anonymous said...

When my daughter-in-law had her surgery, she found out her mother had it done years ago. Good luck!
-Mary Ann

LadyAR said...

We sooo get to touch them. LOL And I'll flash you again after my reduction. :-)

Wicked Stepmom said...

LadyAR -

LOL... ssh, don't say that to loudly. Teh internetz might get jealous. ;)

And you're DAMN STRAIGHT I will get to see yours too.

Lani said...

I have had a pear shaped body my entire life. Wide hips and tiny shoulders & breasts. I have wanted to get breast augmentation for years now , but for some reason I keep chickening out. I hope you post about the experience - I, for one, would love to read about it :)