Ch-ch-changes

For several weeks I was getting the feeling something was up.
I can't explain how or why. Just something in my intuition was telling me changes were coming.
Subversive comments have been made during conversations about the kids; blaming our current shared custody agreement as being at the root of his behavioral challenges with 8 y/o Hansel.

Then I get the text...

HIM: We need to talk when you have the chance
ME: Everything ok?
HIM: Just need to talk about the kids and plans and stuff.

The next day he calls.  He suggests we consider altering our current custody arrangement.
"The back and forth mid-week between our homes is getting to the kids. I think Hansel is having the hardest time as a result." 
I remind him of the issue of late child support payments. And that while I am working hard at gaining my financial independence, and have come a LONG way in the past year, I am still not there yet and... well...  kids cost MONEY and having our kids full-time equals greater financial burden, so he better pony up ON TIME.
Then he says it:

HIM: I am trying to find work, but it's not here.
Me: Not here? As in NY?
HIM: Nope.

It's all becoming clearer.
Last week, he asked at the last minute if I could keep the kids on his days because he had a job interview.  Of course I said yes, because they are my kids and I would rather them be with me then shuffled between his sister's or parents' houses. Still, it was a strain on me financially.
Last weekend the kids were at their Dad's... but he was not there. Instead they spent the weekend going back and forth between babysitters (his Aunts and Grandparents).
ME: Where was Daddy?
HANSEL: I dunno... working I think. He didn't really tell me where he was.
!?!?!?!?!?!
This week, he's texted again... asking for me to keep the kids again on his days due to another interview.
Two weeks in a row of last minute custody changes.
Two months in a row of no child support.
We have no signed divorce agreement in place yet. We've been fairly amicable these almost 2 years (which mostly entails me accepting LESS THAN I really deserve and constant late payments) and focused on rebuilding our own lives separate and apart that it's been put on the back burner.
Recent events now have placed a giant spotlight on the missing documentation - the lack of anything in writing that would in theory guarantee some kind of monetary compensation.
I'm in quite the conundrum. I don't ever want to use my kids as pawns, or turn them away when their Dad can't be there for them. But the financial strain of suddenly having them FULL TIME without advanced warning and preparation is troubling.

An EXplanation for my Absence

I've reconciled with one Ex.
Another Ex is moving, most likely out of the state and to another part of the country.

There's much transformation and evolution afoot.
(Oh Yeah, I'm moving too. Don't know where yet. My landlord put my house up for sale in January.)

Needless to say, there's been a lot to process and work through in the castle.
It's terrifying. But all good. I promise.

Stay tuned.

A Valentine for My Ex

Today I am strong enough to face all my tomorrows, thanks to all of my yesterdays with you. 

Thank You. <3 

Her 5th Year

Some days, she sucks the energy right out of me.
But she is also the sun that illuminates the words that I cannot find...

(Music: Natasha Bedingfield, "Unwritten")

Slaying The (Rebound) Dragon

The Magic Mirror has broken.
Well... the truth is, I broke it.
As wonderful and magical as it was to have my own special someone to love me and who wanted to take care of me every minute of every day, it was something I had to do. For me.
Stepping from one co-dependent relationship into another could not last.
(I knew this from the beginning. But I went with it and enjoyed and learned a lot in the process.)
I'm Transforming. Growing. Changing.
Learning about myself and life and love and all the stuff a soon-to-be-divorced woman needs to go through.
It sucks sometimes. And it's been in those sometimes that I've been grateful to have a special someone to lean on and support me when I needed it.
But being in a full-time committed relationship with someone else proved too difficult while trying to re-establish a relationship with myself.
How can I love another, when I am trying to love myself?
I've spent my life taking care of other people's emotions, and never learning how to take care of my own. Putting everyone else first and sacrificing my own needs to keep others happy.
Now it's my turn. I'm stepping into my own power and have slayed the rebound dragon. In the process I'm learning that this damsel doesn't need a Prince to rescue her.
She can do a pretty good job of saving herself.

“Fairy Tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.”