Her 5th Year

Some days, she sucks the energy right out of me.
But she is also the sun that illuminates the words that I cannot find...

(Music: Natasha Bedingfield, "Unwritten")

Slaying The (Rebound) Dragon

The Magic Mirror has broken.
Well... the truth is, I broke it.
As wonderful and magical as it was to have my own special someone to love me and who wanted to take care of me every minute of every day, it was something I had to do. For me.
Stepping from one co-dependent relationship into another could not last.
(I knew this from the beginning. But I went with it and enjoyed and learned a lot in the process.)
I'm Transforming. Growing. Changing.
Learning about myself and life and love and all the stuff a soon-to-be-divorced woman needs to go through.
It sucks sometimes. And it's been in those sometimes that I've been grateful to have a special someone to lean on and support me when I needed it.
But being in a full-time committed relationship with someone else proved too difficult while trying to re-establish a relationship with myself.
How can I love another, when I am trying to love myself?
I've spent my life taking care of other people's emotions, and never learning how to take care of my own. Putting everyone else first and sacrificing my own needs to keep others happy.
Now it's my turn. I'm stepping into my own power and have slayed the rebound dragon. In the process I'm learning that this damsel doesn't need a Prince to rescue her.
She can do a pretty good job of saving herself.

“Fairy Tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.”

She's 5

A daughter is a day brightener and a heart warmer.

Her birthday fell on her Dad's weekend. So our family celebration took place the weekend after, when she and her brother were home with me.
This was our first year of splitting the birthdays based on our custody schedule.
Some parents can pull-off combined celebrations. My Mom and Dad did. I remember every birthday, Dad and Stepmom #1 coming over to Mom's house for cake and presents.
Maybe one day, their Dad and I might be able to do that.
And maybe we won't.
The one thing I've learned in my years of being a StepMom, is that what works for some, doesn't always work for others. And that's ok.
As long as I continue to see that smile that outshines the candles on her cake, I know everything is ok.

Loaded Question

Gretel: Mom can you have a baby?

Me: *stares at her blankly* (Oh crap.)

Gretel: Mom can you have a baby so I can be the Big Sister?

Me: Honey, you need a Daddy to have a baby.

Gretel: Well, Hansel can carry it, Mom and we can drive over and then he can hand it to Daddy and then Daddy can take it and carry it into his house.

Me: Oh, you're talking about when you VISIT Daddy?

Gretel: Yeah!

(Why I didn't let this conversation die RIGHT HERE is beyond me.)

Me: Well baby, what I mean is that you need both a Mommy and a Daddy to MAKE a baby.

Gretel: You MADE me?

Me: Yes.

Gretel: Daddy and you MADE me?!

Me: Yes.

Gretel: Daddy helped you to MAKE me?!?!?!

Me: Yes.

Gretel: How?

(Oh crap.)

Me: Well there's a cell in Daddy's body and a cell in Mommy's body and they need to be put together so a baby can grow in my tummy.

(Crap!. Now she's going to ask me HOW do the cells come together and get into my tummy!!!! Shut up NOW woman and stop answering this kid!! Distract her with Halloween candy or something!)

Gretel: Mom, he can help! You can text Daddy and he can come over and help you.

***

So glad I didn't put an end this conversation prematurely. I haven't laughed that HARD in a long time.

An Election Day Disclaimer

 I don't do politics.
I don't discuss it. I don't participate in it. I don't whine about it.
No, I don't vote.
Why? Because that's my right. As much as it's my right as a woman living in America TO vote; why should it not also be my right NOT to vote?
I do not buy into the guilt/shame bullshit of obligatorily checking off a box to pick someone - ANYONE - because someone tells me it's my duty.
My duty is to live my life with integrity. My own. Not yours. Or yours.
So why should I take part in placing someone - ANYONE - that I don't believe in, into office?
I did the obligatory voting thing before. I voted for the person whom I felt was the lesser of two evils. Not because I believed in him.
That went against my own integrity and I won't do that again.
I don't buy into political rah-rah speeches or empty campaign promises because of MY beliefs that they aren't the ones running the show anyway. They are merely the puppets and scapegoats. And that's my RIGHT as a female living in America to choose to believe that.
So no, I did not vote today nor do I see myself voting any time soon.
And I will not debate my choice. Nor will I whine about who DOES get elected into office.
I never have.
America is where I live. America is the land of the free. Freedom to vote, freedom to decide for whom to vote, and freedom to decide not to...