A First...And An Unexpected Last.

Gretel started summer camp last week.

The same camp her brother has gone to for the past three summers and Cinderella for the past six.

She is the LAST of my children that will have their first ever day of camp. Another milestone ticked off the List of Firsts, never again to be repeated.

I packed her lunch and backpack Sunday night and laid it by the front door, next to her brother's.

I stood back and took in the sight of his Star Wars bag and her Tinkerbell bag and I couldn't help notice what was missing - a third backpack.

Cinderella's.

Hers would be packed by Prince Charming this year. My car would be quieter for the 30 minute drive each morning and afternoon, with one less voice singing and giggling in the back seat.

I wasn't prepared for the fact that LAST summer was the LAST time I packed Cinderella's lunch and backpack for camp.

 And I am definitely not prepared for my Little Pixie growing up so damn fast.

The Man In My Life

Mom, are you going to get married again?

"I don't know. Maybe one day. Why do you ask?"

I want you to get married so you aren't alone when Gretel and I are at Dad's.

He worries too much. He gets that from me.
He's the Man of the House now and he's taking his role very seriously.
How lucky am I.

Oh, Bother.

You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think.

~ Christopher Robin 

Cinderella's graduation from 8th grade was this past week. 
I did not attend.
It's been 5 weeks since she and Prince Charming moved out. I have not spoken with nor seen her (except in passing the few times I've picked up/drop off Hansel and Gretel from their Dad's house).
I feel I've let her down. I can't help but think even though she has not spoken with me, never gave me the Mother's Day gift her Dad took her to get (where it did go, is a mystery to me, but I do have a guess) and has not asked to come see me, that she might have searched the crowd for me that day only to be disappointed with the realization I was not there teary eyed and with camera in-hand just as I did for her sister the week before.
My guilt abounds as only a mother can inflict on herself for failing her children.
So... Christopher Robin, I feel neither brave, nor strong, nor smart right now.

***

In searching for an appropriate quote to end this post, I found the rest of the above quote:

...but the most important thing is, even if we're apart...I'll always be with you.

Yes, Cinderella. I was with you that day, even if you didn't see me. My thoughts and my heart were celebrating with you, surrounding you, bursting with pride for you. And I was teary eyed as I walked at your side as you accepted your diploma searching the crowd for your two other parents, who were there teary-eyed and with cameras in hand.

Moving Up!

Today Gretel had her very first graduation. She has completed preschool and is now ready for Kindergarten.

I still think Preschool graduations are dumb. But that didn't stop me from cheering her on as she walked in procession with her classmates and stumbled through the songs they've been rehearsing for weeks; from waving madly as she searched for us in the crowd; or from crying like a baby as I watched MY baby claim her diploma and cross a metaphorical bridge into the bright future that lays ahead of her.

I love you my little Pixie. And I couldn't be more proud.

To Answer Your Question

I stumbled across this article not too long ago and it stopped me dead in my tracks.

This has been my life for the past 10+ years and sums up the answer to the question of "What happened?!?" quite nicely.

I never thought of myself as an abused spouse, but now I think otherwise...