Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Rum, Wilted Pansies and Flooding

I got drunk last night and flooded my basement.
The former did not contribute to the latter in any way but it did keep me from a total freakout given our past experiences with flooding.
How did the former occur? Rum, mate. In the form of mojitos. Drank from my new mojito glasses and made with me spiffy new muddler.
How did the latter occur? With a sprinkler placed in the front garden to water my poor wilting pansies and apparently too close to a leaky foundation.
I was sitting on my front stoop 'neath my waving flag sipping my libation when I heard Prince Charming's frantic footsteps from inside the house followed by panicked screams out the window to STOP WATERING THE GARDEN YOU ARE FLOODING THE BASEMENT!
Did you know that drinking rum makes one swagger like Capt. Jack Sparrow? Especially when you are trying to avoid the coils of a garden hose whilst running to shut off said sprinkler...
Did you also know that a screaming toddler can bring a blog post to a screaming hault?
The End.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

How DARE I!!!

Cinderella graduated from her local D.A.R.E. program today.
She asked me, ME!!!!!! if I would put her bumpersticker on her car.
Not her Dad.
Not Maleficent.
At first I thought NOWAY. I hate bumperstickers. They're, well... sticky and a royal pain in the ass to remove which is what I would want to do when I trade in my rattly too-small-car-to-fit-our-family-of-five for a ::gasp!:: minivan.
(I'm totally gonna pimp it out BTW in keeping with my aspirations of being a total SMILF.)
But then I noticed IT. The sound of disappointment in her voice at my rejection of her accomplishment.
"Tell ya sweets, let's give Daddy first dibs and if he doesn't want to put the bumpersticker on his car, I will proudly show it off on mine."
I swear if she weren't anchored down by the seatbelt she would have shot straight to the moon and back propelled soley by sheer glee.

Always the epitomy of subtlety and patience Cinderella tackles Prince Charming as soon as he walked in the door for dinner tonight. He declined the offer, as predicted.
So there ya have it.
A bumpersticker. On my car. The first of many, I suspect.

(And I'm ok with that.)

(The only thing that could possibly top things is if Maleficent goes into orbit when she sees this. And perhaps gets slingshot into some galaxy far, far away.)

Friday, May 18, 2007

On a Happier Note

A mentor in my prior life as a dot com goddess always told me to end my communications on a positive note.
Can't think of a better way to end a week, or counteract Wednesday's shitstorm, with pictures of my children playing in the park.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Custody & Visitation: The Downward Spiral

Hindsight is 20/20.
I should have posted something about Mother's Day if for no other reason so that my first post for this week would have been about something positive instead of the tediously-frustrating-never-ending-bullshit-drama involving Maleficent and Prince Charming and the loathsome Custody. And. Visitation. Stipulation. A document that I have read more times than my own wedding vows. A document that I hate.
(The only thing that keeps me sane is knowing that Maleficent hates it more. Neener-neener!)
Prince Charming should have taken a different approach with Maleficent. Taking a consistent stand with the Rules put in place at the courthouse almost a year and a half ago. As
Sandra so brilliantly commented:
"Just like a toddler clear limits have to be set. Once she sees over time and with tons of consistency that nothing is going to bend or budge in her favor...then the BS will stop. "
(You hit the nail right on the head with that. Talk about a lightbulb moment for both P.C. and myself!)
Instead, to his credit as much as our detriment, P.C. tried giving Maleficent the benefit of the doubt. Hoping against hope that she was as committed as he was to Keeping the Peace. And making things work. So he gave in to her every request for extra time.
He's realizing he was wrong.
Maleficent continues to disregard court orders.
Continues to ask forgiveness instead of permission.
To make up her own rules, and direspect Cinderella's rights.
attempted to lay down the law last month but caved.
He's now attempting it again.
His efforts are currently being met with passive-aggressive avoidance and spitefulness.
She's refusing to answer his calls. Dictating now that all communications are to take place in email only.
(I read that little nugget this morning. Before I even had my coffee.)
Maleficent was supposed to pick up Cinderella from her after-school program yesterday.
A day not cited in the original Visitation document but that P.C. has been allowing b/c he is nice like that. It's also a day she is losing come next week when P.C. enforces the schedule as it's been layed out in the Document From Hell.
Pick up usually takes place at our home. Scheduling conflicts prevented me from being home at the designated time and I am finished being accommodating.
Maleficent does not respond well to not getting her own way and was not happy with P.C. telling her when and where she could get Cinderella. Instead of making the most of an extra day with her Daughter, she called Cinderella AT SCHOOL yesterday to tell her she woudn't be coming to pick her up.
Maleficent did not notify Prince Charming or myself of her decision.
Cinderella was effectively abandoned at afterschool program without any means of getting home yesterday.
Luckily, I was there and she found me before I left to come home.
Today is a normal visitation day. Maleficent will be coming later this afternoon to pick up Cinderella at our home. I am trying to disengage from the rage of emotions I am currently feeling in order to ensure a pleasant interaction.

I am dreading what's to come.
And struggling with trying to find a way to preserve some civility with Maleficent.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

How to Get What You REALLY Want for Mother's Day

"Hansel, tell Daddy that you want to go to a jewelry store for my Mother's Day gift and get Mommy something sparkly... with a lot of diamonds."

Mommy! You're not supposed to tell me what to get you for Mother's Day!

"But don't you want Mommy to be happy?"

But don't you want to be surprised?


His depth of character amazes me sometimes. And pisses me off a little.

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Giving Tim Burton A Run For His Money

As evidenced by Hansel's preschool journal:

"I walked on a rainbow & I fell down & I went to the ground & a worm ate me!
Then a spider came & ate my brain! The spider was a Black Widow.
And then a lizard ate my tongue & my belly & my head off & my ears & earwax.
That's it."

Monday, May 7, 2007


*pick, pick, pick*

*pinch, pinch, pinch*

*pull, pull, pull*

Lately nursing has had a high suckage factor.
And not in the way all those LLL pamphlets told me about.
It's appeal has gone downhill now that the person who is doing the sucking is a T.O.D.D.L.E.R. who has sprouted octopus arms almost overnight and who seeks to entertain herself with whatever part of MY BODY that is within arms length while nursing. This includes, but is not limited to:
- finding and picking at the tiniest of moles, or the one in between where I should have cleavage which actually may really be a third nipple;
- pulling at my hair or BETTER YET! my collar bone which creeps me out b/c bones.should.not.be.pulled.or.yanked. EVER.;
- pinching my other nip but not before she gives the whole package a gentle s-q-u-e-e-z-e and a little pat as if she thinks it's lonely which... really... it's not.

She's strong.
She's stubborn.
And just as I think I am winning the battle she throws in a foot, usually to my jaw, which distracts me enough to leave her target of choice all exposed and vulnerable.
And still. I wouldn't give up moments like these for anything...

Thursday, May 3, 2007

Does Not Play Well With Others

"They never let me kick the ball. EVER!"

(And yet, there it sits... just waiting to be kicked. Sad lonely ball)

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Custody & Visitation: Where "Keeping the Peace" Means "Giving In"

I shouldn't be surprised. But I am.
He called Her.
She told Him what he wanted to hear.
He caved.
All in the name if Keeping the Peace.
Prince Charming decided to allow Visitation to go back to what's been in practice for the past year, not what was decided in court. (For.A.Reason.)
In spite of the lack of respect he's been showed.
In spite of my warnings.
In spite of the disparaging remarks Cinderella has had to endure and the pervasive attempts at Parental Alienation.
(And WHOOBOY! did that child get an earful of her Mother's vile verbal diarrhea over the weekend!)
In spite of it all.
Maleficent won. And I do mean Maleficent because Cinderella is not benefitting from extended time with her Mother. Not in this way. Not at the expense of her moral and psychological development.
I don't call him Prince Charming for nothin'.
He's a better man than I am. I hope this doesn't come back to bite him in the ass.
But I fear it will.

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Custody & Visitation: Games People Play

Friday was Day One of the "altered" visitation schedule. Where Prince Charming invoked his parental authority and requested that Malifcent follow her visitation schedule to.the.letter from now on.
Maleficent escaped this reality by avoiding his attempts at communication during the week. Hiding behind Cinderella, voice mail and others to avoid speaking with Prince Charming thereby forcing him to leave messages. Messages that were never returned. Messages she pretended not to hear.
Maleficent Escapes reality by Avoiding Communication.
It helps her play the Role of the Victim.
Enables her to show up all our house 1/2 hour early and make angry phone calls, pacing back and forth between our front door and the curb, knocking, ringing, calling P.C. and me on our cell phones. Pretending not to know what's going on.
(My neighbor, alarmed to see her hanging around in front of our house, called to warn me.)
Hi, it's Maleficent. It's 4:15 and I'm outside your house looking for Cinderella.
Umm... I'm waiting!

I was at the dry cleaners when I heard the message on my cell phone.
My Game? I Avoid confontation by Escaping.
"I'm going to run some errands when Cinderella gets home. I'd rather spare myself, and the kids, the unpleasantness of a confrontation should Maleficent decide to show up on our doorstep early."
Ok. That's fine. Prince Charming understood my dilemma and my discomfort with having to face an irrational Maleficent. He also knew as well as I did the likelihood that my fears would be confirmed.
Reluctantly, I called her back leaving Cinderella, Hansel & Gretel in the car with the radio on so they could not hear my conversation. I wanted to be able to talk to her without the children overhearing. At home, I would have a harder time protecting them.
Oh, so that's the game. Ok. I see now. I knew there was some game going on but I wasn't sure what it was, but now I understand.
She challenges me and my knowledge of the visitation agreement. Plays dumb as to P.C.'s phone calls and messages. Pretends she is being wronged. The Victim.
I speak as politely and as friendly as I can and reassure her that I will have Cinderella home in time for her actual visitation pickup as per the agreement. Assured her that I read the papers myself to make sure I had the time correct.
Ok. Well, I'm just gonna wait HERE then.
Her tone meant to threaten. Warn me that she would be sitting outside my house like a stalker waiting for me to pull up.
(This would not be the first time.)

I pull into the driveway. Maleficent is sitting in her car. Waiting. Eyes focused downward at her dashboard.
She does not get out of her car. Makes no efforts to speak with me. I do the same.
Cinderella is anxious and demands for the keys to the house before I have the chance to put the car into Park.
She knows her mother is Angry. Doesn't want to keep her waiting.
"Babe. It's ok. You have done nothing wrong."
I try to reassure her as much as I can. Prepare her for the inevitable onslaught of verbal diarrhea she will have to bear. Disparaging remarks that Maleficent will make about her Father and me. Remarks meant to convince Cinderella that she is being Victimized and we are E.V.I.L.
"I know it makes you uncomfortable. I'm sorry for whatever will happen over the weekend. And I'm sorry if you are going to be dragged back into the middle of something."
"Just remember you did nothing wrong. There is nothing for you to apologize for. Try to ignore whatever you may hear and not let it bother you and if you need to talk to Daddy or me when you come home on Sunday we are here for you."
Cinderella barely heard me. She was preoccupied with thoughts of her Mother.
At the curb.
I let her go. Worried over what would happen to her over the weekend. What vile hateful words she would have to hear because she lacks the courage to speak up to her Mother.
Wondering if my decision to not be home was worth it. Blaming myself for what Cinderella would have to put up with over her weekend with her Mother.
Whether I was home or not, Maleficent would still be pissed with having to face reality.
The only way to avoid pissing her off is to give in. Let her do what she wants.
How does one handle these types of lose/lose situations?